Finding Each Other in Conversation 1

                                                        Rodin

Riverman and I are a thing. The L-word has been exchanged. Lovemaking has happened. I'm feeling so very very happy with him...and so have neglected my blogging programme.

What I haven't done, luckily, because it often happens when one falls in love, is abandon my therapy work. Somehow I am succeeding in holding this loving space, and work the sore Trudy stuff at the same time.

So much of our time is spent talking on WhatsApp. So I decided to create a few WhatsApp narrative posts to help me remember the important conversations Riverman and I have as we learn each other.

This one happened while he was away with his kids on holiday, and I was down in Cape Town with my mates. Before the last blog, More than just a Kiss on a Park Bench

30/09/2015, 10:39 PM - Riverman: So what scares you?

30/09/2015, 10:42 PM - Trudy: It changes. I'm scared of falling for you. And you running for the hills when that happens. Leaving me abandoned and in pieces. That would be an action replay on my past 3 relationships. Devastating.

30/09/2015, 10:47 PM - Riverman: I tried to type an answer. But Trudy this conversation we must have face to face. It is important.

30/09/2015, 10:48 PM - Riverman: I am not prone to running for the hills. But this is new to me.

30/09/2015, 10:48 PM - Riverman: It feels so very right and fills so much of that empty space.

30/09/2015, 10:51 PM - Trudy: Well we're probably getting a bit ahead of ourselves. ...

30/09/2015, 10:51 PM - Trudy: I do this. ... Sorry. ... Bit intense. ..

30/09/2015, 10:51 PM - Riverman: Yes.   Over planning?

30/09/2015, 10:52 PM - Riverman: Don't be sorry tho.

30/09/2015, 10:52 PM - Trudy: ok. You have to promise me something please. ..

30/09/2015, 10:52 PM - Riverman: Yes?

30/09/2015, 10:53 PM - Trudy: And I'll promise it back

30/09/2015, 10:55 PM - Trudy: However this plays out, if it has to end for any reason,  you end it well. With a conversation. An explanation. A truth. No ghosting. Disappearing. Withdrawing.

30/09/2015, 10:56 PM - Riverman: Promise. At the very beginning we discussed honesty. I promise you that.

30/09/2015, 10:57 PM - Riverman: You already know things about me that no one else does.

30/09/2015, 10:57 PM - Trudy: God. I'm so intense. Sorry.  Sorry. Too much

30/09/2015, 10:58 PM - Riverman: Trudy?

30/09/2015, 10:58 PM - Riverman: This is good. Don't apologize.

30/09/2015, 10:59 PM - Riverman: I don't see you as probably most people do... I'm lucky that way.

30/09/2015, 10:59 PM - Trudy: Meaning?

30/09/2015, 11:02 PM - Riverman: You seemed surprised that I 'saw' some of those aspects of your personality. But I am not coming into your life through work, or your existing family, or your existing friends.

30/09/2015, 11:02 PM - Riverman: I can, if you let me, embrace more of you. If you let me...

30/09/2015, 11:03 PM - Trudy: I scare people D.

30/09/2015, 11:03 PM - Riverman: 🙀

30/09/2015, 11:03 PM - Riverman: Which people?

30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: Men

30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: Not women

30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: My girlfriends adore me

30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: Are you a girl?

30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: 😁

30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Riverman: All men are bad and to be mistrusted..

30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Riverman: 👽

30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Riverman: 👹

30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Trudy: But they're so delicious

30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Trudy: When we met

30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Trudy: And hugged Hello

30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Trudy: Was I imagining you were nervous?

30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Riverman: Very.

30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Trudy: I felt you trembling

30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Riverman: Hehe!

30/09/2015, 11:07 PM - Trudy: And then thought I'd got it wrong

30/09/2015, 11:07 PM - Trudy: Why nervous?

30/09/2015, 11:08 PM - Riverman: Expectation. Unknown I guess.

30/09/2015, 11:10 PM - Riverman: It surprised me too.

30/09/2015, 11:10 PM - Trudy: And what are you most afraid of?

30/09/2015, 11:11 PM - Riverman: Being chewed up and spat out by warrior dontfuckwithmewoman.

30/09/2015, 11:12 PM - Trudy: Copout. But funny.

30/09/2015, 11:12 PM - Trudy: She doesn't do that. She protects the innocent.

30/09/2015, 11:12 PM - Riverman: Seriously, not finding what I want. And finding what I want.

30/09/2015, 11:14 PM - Riverman: Your 'sadness' piece talks to existence, not living. I want to find the living.

(I had sent him a copy of my Sadness blog)

30/09/2015, 11:16 PM - Riverman: I have been in a holding pattern, and the expectation of getting beyond this is...can't find word

30/09/2015, 11:17 PM - Trudy: (I think living involves the full spectrum of emotions though.)... *Still listening. ..

30/09/2015, 11:18 PM - Riverman: Yes, it does. But it has lacked depth of feeling.

30/09/2015, 11:18 PM - Riverman: Clarify. I have lacked...

30/09/2015, 11:19 PM - Riverman: Control, getting it done.  Family. Stress. Sadness. Been there.

30/09/2015, 11:20 PM - Riverman: Important, but not everything...

30/09/2015, 11:21 PM - Trudy: How do you feel today?

30/09/2015, 11:21 PM - Riverman: The last few days have been really good.

30/09/2015, 11:22 PM - Riverman: Fun. Connected.

30/09/2015, 11:23 PM - Trudy: Good. I'm having fun too.

30/09/2015, 11:24 PM - Trudy: I think we're braver in text. It's harder when we talk to move into the braver conversations

30/09/2015, 11:26 PM - Riverman: Yes. But We'll get better. Bet if you were right next to me here the conversation would have space for braveness.

30/09/2015, 11:26 PM - Trudy: Believe me,  if I was next to you we wouldn't be talking at all! !!

30/09/2015, 11:27 PM - Riverman: Hehe!!

30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Trudy: Hey

30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Riverman: Yes?

30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Trudy: You're keeping me up!

30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Riverman: Good!

30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Riverman: Tough.

30/09/2015, 11:29 PM - Trudy: Rheumatoid woman here! !!!💅🏻

30/09/2015, 11:29 PM - Riverman: Ok, you're dismissed.

30/09/2015, 11:29 PM - Trudy: Don't really wanna be

30/09/2015, 11:30 PM - Riverman: Understand. Sleep well. Thanks.

30/09/2015, 11:31 PM - Trudy: Like really don't wanna be

30/09/2015, 11:32 PM - Riverman: We've got days ahead. Waiting...

30/09/2015, 11:32 PM - Trudy: Don't remind me😳

30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Trudy: Thanks for holding me gently tonight.

30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Trudy: Bye sexy man!

30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Trudy: Still want you

30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Riverman: My pleasure. Wish it was for real.

30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Trudy: More

30/09/2015, 11:34 PM - Riverman: Want you too! 😘

Next morning....

01/10/2015, 6:37 AM - Trudy: Shoooo

01/10/2015, 6:38 AM - Trudy: Seriously intense last night☺

01/10/2015, 6:38 AM - Trudy: That's a blush!

01/10/2015, 6:58 AM - Riverman: Morning!

01/10/2015, 7:04 AM - Riverman: How're you?

01/10/2015, 7:11 AM - Trudy: 😊

01/10/2015, 7:11 AM - Trudy: Good

01/10/2015, 7:30 AM - Riverman: So I learned some stuff about you last night

01/10/2015, 7:31 AM - Trudy: Oh dear

01/10/2015, 7:31 AM - Trudy: What did you learn

01/10/2015, 7:31 AM - Riverman: 😄

01/10/2015, 7:31 AM - Trudy: Cringing. ..

01/10/2015, 7:34 AM - Riverman: ...<suspense>.....

01/10/2015, 7:34 AM - Trudy: 😖

01/10/2015, 7:35 AM - Riverman: ....cue dramatic music.....

01/10/2015, 7:35 AM - Trudy: You killing me!

01/10/2015, 7:36 AM - Riverman: You're human!

01/10/2015, 7:37 AM - Trudy: 😝

01/10/2015, 7:37 AM - Riverman: I like that.

01/10/2015, 7:37 AM - Trudy: Nooooooooo

01/10/2015, 7:37 AM - Riverman: Ok, with complexity.  Better?

01/10/2015, 7:38 AM - Trudy: Ok

01/10/2015, 7:38 AM - Trudy: Sigh

01/10/2015, 7:39 AM - Riverman: I like that too.

01/10/2015, 7:39 AM - Trudy: Thank god

01/10/2015, 7:40 AM - Riverman: I think now, more than I thought before, that we could be..no..mean more to each other than I thought.

01/10/2015, 7:41 AM - Trudy: Shew

01/10/2015, 7:41 AM - Riverman: That is scary tho.

01/10/2015, 7:41 AM - Trudy: Yup

01/10/2015, 8:07 AM - Trudy: Riverman

01/10/2015, 8:08 AM - Riverman: Yes?

01/10/2015, 8:08 AM - Trudy: I do like you

01/10/2015, 8:08 AM - Riverman: That's good!

01/10/2015, 8:09 AM - Trudy: I think I was probably trying to scare you off last night

01/10/2015, 8:09 AM - Riverman: Should I go?

01/10/2015, 8:09 AM - Riverman: ...is it too fast, Trudy?

01/10/2015, 8:10 AM - Trudy: Probably.

01/10/2015, 8:10 AM - Trudy: But that's me

01/10/2015, 8:10 AM - Trudy: Driving emotional intensity

01/10/2015, 8:10 AM - Trudy: I try to hold myself back. .. but struggle to

01/10/2015, 8:11 AM - Riverman: Well then it is you, not so?

01/10/2015, 8:11 AM - Trudy: Yup

01/10/2015, 8:11 AM - Trudy: So if you're scared you better exit sooner rather than later. ...

01/10/2015, 8:12 AM - Trudy: PG warning. .. Things could get real

01/10/2015, 8:12 AM - Riverman: I am scared but not OF you. But BECAUSE of you. Big difference.

01/10/2015, 8:12 AM - Trudy: Tell me

01/10/2015, 8:13 AM - Trudy: What you mean by that?

01/10/2015, 8:19 AM - Riverman: Trudy, for me this decision has been years in the mix. Intellectually it is there. But to be in the mix of these - really good- things: the feelings, fun, potential... It is <can't find word> overwhelming? Consuming? In a good but scary way.

01/10/2015, 8:20 AM - Riverman: So these feelings, this potential, is what I thought and hoped about for so long. Now there you are....

01/10/2015, 8:22 AM - Riverman: I real see how difficult it is to Programme this. So the scariness is 'riding the wave' I think.

01/10/2015, 8:25 AM - Trudy: Riverman I am emerging from a very tough space. It's been a year of emerging. And I am tough and sassy on the outside and needy and fragile on the inside. I'm by no means 'sorted' yet. Some days I'm great. Some days I wobble like mad. That could be more than you bargained for

01/10/2015, 8:28 AM - Riverman: Let me make that choice. Unless you're pushing...

01/10/2015, 8:29 AM - Trudy: I need to say that because I don't want to reel you in under false pretenses. The sexy siren song that brings you into a space where you feel you've been caught up in a crazy space

01/10/2015, 8:29 AM - Trudy: I'm not pushing

01/10/2015, 8:29 AM - Riverman: Ok.

01/10/2015, 8:29 AM - Trudy: Just aware that I can be too much for people

01/10/2015, 8:30 AM - Trudy: And. Honesty moment. Terrified of being rejected for that

01/10/2015, 8:30 AM - Trudy: Again

01/10/2015, 8:31 AM - Riverman: I hear you.

01/10/2015, 8:33 AM - Riverman: My experience is less, but longer. The terror still big.

01/10/2015, 8:33 AM - Riverman: Trudy?

01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Riverman: I am looking for more than a fuck buddy. Reread my profile.

01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Trudy: I know

01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Riverman: That means this is not a sex transaction. It will be more complicated.

01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Riverman: But more rewarding.

01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Riverman: I hope.

01/10/2015, 8:36 AM - Trudy: Me too

01/10/2015, 8:36 AM - Trudy: Shew

01/10/2015, 8:36 AM - Riverman: What I don't yet know is whether I can meet your expectations/ needs fully.

01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Riverman: We both have other lives. Yours possibly more sorted than mine.

01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Riverman: How these fit together is an experiment.

01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Riverman: It has to be.

01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Riverman: No manual for this stuff!

01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Trudy: Yup. We must walk gently

01/10/2015, 8:38 AM - Trudy: And decide if and how we can craft it into something that fits nicely into our lives

01/10/2015, 8:38 AM - Trudy: and it does also depend on the first kiss you know. ..

01/10/2015, 8:39 AM - Riverman: Yes.

01/10/2015, 8:40 AM - Riverman: Yes. We're not there yet.  In physical terms anyway

01/10/2015, 8:42 AM - Riverman: God. Lionel Ritchie..."I've been alone with you inside my mind....

"

01/10/2015, 8:42 AM - Trudy: 😊☺

01/10/2015, 8:48 AM - Riverman: "And decide if and how we can craft it into something that fits nicely into our lives"... I like that.

01/10/2015, 8:49 AM - Trudy: Yes.

01/10/2015, 8:49 AM - Riverman: I think we can.

01/10/2015, 8:50 AM - Trudy: I'm a time touch AND words person.

01/10/2015, 8:51 AM - Trudy: I would need us to be able to create real connected time together. Doesn't need to be extremely frequent. ..I know that's impossible

01/10/2015, 8:51 AM - Trudy: But needs to be

01/10/2015, 8:52 AM - Riverman: Good. Agree. As you know the connection is what is big for me.

I like this conversation because I can see myself being brave enough to be vulnerable. Telling him my truths as we go. Slowly opening myself to him. And him responding gently. Kindly. And reassuringly. As we tentatively move towards each other. Loving!

More than just a Kiss on a Park Bench

I'm having an idyllic afternoon. I'm in Kalk Bay, a really pretty seaside town. It's the most beautiful Saturday afternoon and I'm sitting at an outdoor table at a little restaurant overlooking the sea, which is an impossibly beautiful bluegreen, and gazing out at the mountains in the far distance.

I bought a book at little bookstore on the corner (Essays in Love by Alain de Botton) and have had a beautiful couple of hours here by myself. Having a delicious meal, some flourless chocolate cake and a magnificent coffee.

I'm happy. So so happy.

Because in about 21 hours time, Riverman lands in this same town as me, and we are going to have the most beautiful night together. I know it.

How can I be so very sure., having not yet sampled the 'delights of the human flesh' with him before? Well, mostly, I just know. And also, because when he kissed me on the park bench on our first, 'kissing date', I could feel that our's is going to be that beautiful, sensual, soulful lovemaking that I know is possible, but had to begun to despair at finding.

When we kissed, we really kissed. Kissing in all it's flavours: I'm happy to meet you again kissing; I want to taste you more kissing; you bring out the tenderness in me kissing, the barely restrained edge of I want to ravish you kissing, I will kiss you again now because I can't get enough of you kissing, and, my personal favourite, the I want to climb onto your lap, wrap myself completely around you, and lose myself in you kissing...that kissing when even fully clothed, you feel like you're defenceless, vulnerable, sexy and naked. Just two souls, breathing each other in and experiencing the nearness of each other for the very first time. The warmth of the morning sun. The wind that blew too much. The coffee that tasted just magical because it was drunk in that space of heightened awareness and strong sexual desire..where everything is just more vivid. And the smiling. Couldn't stop smiling. And the looking. Into his blue blue eyes. Losing myself.

This man and I have spent hours and hours talking and texting. Sharing our stories. Hearing each others thoughts. Defining ourselves to one another with words that are not actually enough to hold what's happening to us.

I think I already love him. I think he may already love me too. We have not said so, because we're adults. In the middle of our lives. And know that saying those things would make us seem naive. Presumptuous. I don't know...that something like that is too premature. That this is not the time to say. Even though both of us are absolutely awestruck that we have found each other.

But life is real. And complicated. His wife lands today. And he will be confronted with the reality of a situation that he needs to hold and honour. Even though his intimate life with her is many years in the past, she will not deal the idea of an open marriage easily. He needs to feel who she is when she returns now, and then decide how he will manage the way forward with her. He may tell her about me, he may not. He may bring her to the point where she can contemplate a relationship where he has his emotional and intimacy needs met outside his home, or he may decide that it is kinder to protect her from the truth. Not my marriage. Not mine to control in any way. Somehow, this feels ok to me. He will do his best by her, and he will love me. In fact he will love us both - just in very different ways.

And no - even though I can feel these very delicous feelings of new love, and lust, and deep, soulful attraction to this man - I'm not changing my position on the fact that I want this precious time with him to exist outside of my current life. Even though my husband and children already know he exists, I still want to be able to find him in escape places. Coffee on a park bench. Hotel rooms on business trips, stolen magical moments rather than mundane domesticity. I think it will keep this space alive and magical for us for a long time. So we can both experience this side of ourselves that is sexy, playful, adventurous and capable of incredible soulful connection and sensual exploration.

I now know, for sure, how very rarely in ones' life one comes across a connection as wonderful as this. I have no idea what life will throw at us, or whether this is a short season or a love that will last away the decades. And yet, I have decided, I will hold nothing back with this person. I will see him. And let myself be seen. And love him wholeheartedly with my body and my heart and my mind. And when it ends...because, I already I know that these things do that eventually, I will take the pain of it ending with the joy that it is creating in my life.

It's already worth it.

Oh there you are!

Just like that.

He's here. This elusive 'Man' that I've been seeking. The one I thought I'd found with each of the misses that I've had over the past 18 months or so as I've waded through the layers and layers of work that I needed to do  before I would even recognise him.

He's been on Ashley Madison for a few years. I've glossed over his picture lots of times, never clicking on it because it broke my rules - was a picture of a guy's torso. No head. In a T-shirt. Nice build. But My Rules said that he wasn't bringing himself to this space properly so I would not invest. Eliminate from my process because, like the dick shots and the international sex chatters, I assumed all sorts of things about him that weren't true.

But then, for whatever reason, I did click on him. And his challenge to me was: 'Don't be that girl who sits and waits for invitations to pour into your inbox...if you like my profile, contact me, and let's see if it's worth investing'..or something.

So he is Riverman from my previous blog. We slowly and tentatively picked up our conversation over the weekend and have spent the most glorious week getting to know each other, albeit via cyberspace. He headed out to take his kids on holiday and has been in a Utopianesque space of being able to focus on just his kids. And me. And a little work here and there. And post my 'Tender' days, I've been giving myself the slack to just catch my breath a bit before I hit the road running with serious hard work again.  

And so we've both had the headspace to just be with each other. And it has been just so very lovely! The metaphor of the Ashley Madison picture being off my radar would have been true to this man in real life if I'd met him there first. I have not been ready to see a man like this until now.

He's strong. Emotionally solid. Not swaggering or roguish like the men I am usually drawn to. He is passionate. Honest. Takes emotional risks and puts himself out there like I do. Before I do. He embraces my emotional oversharing, and is interested in what I have to tell. My stories. My challenges. My struggle. It's not boring or overwhelming for him...just intriguing. I feel seen. And I feel allowed to be me. I am not holding back on my emotional overshares that I'm famous for. I'm letting him just see me. It's safe enough. He's not judging me. Or trying to close me down. Or running like crazy from my disclosures. I've met someone who actually really gives a shit about this stuff of mine. And tolerates my darkness. Because he is already conversant with his own.

We have spent hours talking and texting...telling each other our stories...confessing our secrets...sharing our passions...having the most connecting, sexy, inspiring cybersex I could ever imagine.

Each day has brought new levels of exposure, vulnerability, trust, connection...and my heart feels so very full of joy at this connection. New Relationship Energy abounds and it feels heady and rich and beautiful.

And in his presence I am feeling beautiful. I'm taking selfies when he asks (and sometimes when he doesn't). And framing myself in a way in those pictures that even I am seeing a beauty in myself that I haven't seen before. There's one. We both call it 'Boudoir Babe'. I took it in my bed one morning - naked, but with  the sheets just beautifuly draped around me. I'm looking wistfully up at the camera. It captures a mood and a space that I would have loved to be in...and I am. Because she is me. He's deleted all the other, much more revealing and sexy shots I've sent him, for safety's sake. But, he said today, he can't bring himself to delete Boudoir Babe.

I've shared with him some of my earlier blogs on my challenges with feeling beautiful. How it was sad and lost with Hubby, How John the Narc helped me find the goddess, but then his whole premise turned out to be a lie. How I've struggled to keep her in me through all these months of brutal trial and error with all the other men I've spent time with. And he has simply responded with enthusiastic passion, heartfelt affirmation, and raw desire to my photos, sexiness, and playful teasing.

So I'm happy. In fact. I'm going to say this. Today I am the happiest I have felt since I started writing this blog! How interesting that I am able to be here, after being in deep sadness just a short 2 weeks ago!

I'm not ignoring reality on this. God knows, I am a veteran of rugs being pulled out under me, abandonment, ghosting, and bitter disappointment. There's a huge risk that Riverman walks away from me. He has to go back home and figure out how to work this with his family. His situation isn't explicit. His wife may be too depressed and emotionally unable to tolerate the truth. He may need to hide this situation from her forever. Will he be able to? Will his guilt outweigh his joy?  Unknowns. Uncontrollables. If that happens, I think I will be more heartbroken than I have been at any time in the past 18months.

But I'm going to take the chance. Because I've used up my Sadness allocation for a bit. It's time for some joyful connection. Passionate sex. Soulful being.

For however long this season lasts.

Cortisone and some Emotional Asprin hits the spot

By Saturday morning I was done. Finished. Sadder than I could bear. My hands were swollen and sore. And my feet. And my heart was in the same place. I was halfway through my Tender with a weekend of work looming ahead of me. And Red had ignored my messages for a full week. Even my husband headed off cycling with his girlfriend without even saying goodbye. Or making me some fruit salad for breakfast...even when he knows I can't cut fruit for myself in the morning because of my rheumatiod flare.

I suddenly hit 'intervention mode'. Showered.  Took my pills. Got my fingers moving again. Cut that darn fruit and had my breakfast and coffee. Then walked up to the pharmacy to collect my new cortisone meds. I thought I might walk from there to my favourite coffee shop 2km away.. but by the time I got to the pharmacy I realised that I was being too ambitious for a post chemo Saturday morning and just stopped right there at the coffee shop next door to write some more of my Tender proposal.

And then I just decided. I'm tired of being this sad, sore girl. Took my new cortisone. And opened up my Ashley Madison profile on my phone. Time for some emotional Asprin too!

'Nooo' all my friends want to yell at this point. 'Step away from the Ashley Madison!!' But I didn't. I walked in there quietly, touched up my profile, and went live.

And this time I decided to do something different. I just usually put up my profile and wait for the deluge of male offers. But post the hack, I was wondering whether, in fact, there were any men still out there. So I started browsing the profiles, looking to see if anyone actually caught my fancy.

Found one. Shot him a quick message...and then realised I had a message in my inbox. From him. He had been typing to me at the same time as I was..interesting timing, I thought.

Almost at the same time I saw another profile I normally would have ignored. Looked like another nice guy. Messaged him too. And after a couple of back and forthing, and a pile of pecker shots that started arriving from other men across the world, I decided to call it a day and exited. I think I had spent a total of about 20 minutes online.

So now suddenly, there are two men. They kept me company through the hard weekend and into this week.  They're both very different men, and I find myself liking them for very different reasons.

I met 'Riverman' for coffee on Monday morning. We're both going to be in different towns for the next two weeks and I needed to be sure we had some sort of connection in real life to justify two weeks of online chatting. I've done this too many times before and suddenly I'm jaded. Don't want to get caught up in some whirlwind online imagination connection only to find that in real life nothing is there at all!

He arrived nervous. Not that he said so, but I felt his body trembling when we hugged hello. And his mouth was dry. It was quite endearing really. Not suave and in control, but rather a little vulnerable and real. This feels important to him.

We had a lovely hour. Interesting conversation. Silences didn't feel awkward. Just nice. A bit of lingering eye contact which felt promising. There is scope for sexy. He can stay.

Then there's The Foreigner. He's in South Africa for a few years' appointment. Has a family in his country, older, and is looking for a connected lover in South Africa. Haven't met him face to face yet - that will happen on Saturday I think. But we met on the phone this morning. I'd have to get used to his accent I think. Not always easy to hear and understand everything he says. He's older, bolder than Riverman. I like him too. But I do have a little bit of a warning feeling about him. Is he for real? Narcish? I felt a bit spooked by yesterday's astrology prediction warning Capricorns to beware of people with hidden agendas. He scares me a little.

So both men are staying in touch enthusiastically. Like Red did. I don't want to play them against each other, or even chat with them both simultaneously. It feels out of integrity, and I wouldn't really want them to be doing that to me. But I suppose it's early days for choosing a path. Maybe neither of them end up being the 'Lover Material' I need. I have no idea really.

I don't want another 'Red' scenario. Someone pursuing me relentlessly and then backing off me once my heart is hooked in. I just can't take another premature heartbreak. I can feel myself backing off when both Riverman and The Foreigner try to get into closer into emotional risky talk. I know I'm afraid to go there now.

I was saying to shrink that I don't know whether I've learned enough to be able to walk carefully through this unscathed. But it does take the fun out of this part a bit. I'm becoming guarded, jaded, cautious in my interactions. That protects me I suppose. But it's not very romantic. She said she was reminded of a saying that says in order to write great Poetry, you have to stay well away from Philosophy and Psychology!

So can I stay in the play with this a bit? Just 'be' in it with these men and enjoy the seduction process? I'm so aware that I don't want to hurt either of them, but, as my shrink was reminding me, they're grown men and are responsible for their own hearts. My job is to protect myself.

OK then. I'll try that. Play. Be in it. Have some fun with these boys. And see where it takes us!

Oh....and the cortisone? Worked like a charm! Monday morning, after 2 days on it, I woke up with almost perfect hands. No paws. Very little pain. It was so exciting!!  I whatsapped ALL my mates the good news.

Unfortunately my good fortune only lasted a day. This morning the paws were back! But I have been SUPER stressed with work over the past few days, so hopefully over the next couple of days, while I chill with my best friend in Cape Town, my body will calm down enough for the meds to kick in properly and I can find a better space.

Can't wait!

The Risk Exchange

Really interesting article I read in PsychologyToday.com last night. I've been thinking about it all day. For people like me who actually couldn't spot a functional human being if he was the only person standing in the Namib desert, I thought this may help me notice some Red Flags in the early stages of a relationship. It's about how people deal 'risk' with each other. Check it out at https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healing-and-growing/201509/start-new-relationship-the-right-way.

So I realise that I am owning too much of the risk early in a potential relationship. I put myself out there, and when my men don't reciprocate with equal disclosure I feel terrible. Vulnerable. Exposed. Heartsore. And then blame myself. And then tell myself to dial it back a bit. Or a lot. And if he gives me something vulnerable, I hold it. Cherish it. Reciprocate carefully so he doesn't ever feel that horrible exposed and vulnerable feeling I have a lot. I protect him from that. Because I know how dreadful it feels. Maybe I risk too much too early? Yes, I'm sure I risk too much too early. I need to be more careful about that.

And I suppose that people who risk too much scare those who risk too little. But there I go again, owning all of the responsibility. And actually I think I should be asking the question - 'What ASSHOLE would let me hang out to dry like that?!' And the answer is, of course, the Assholes that I keep choosing, keep being drawn to.

And if hanging me out to dry by leaving me to carry all the emotional risk is a criterion for Asshole, then I guess I've chosen a whole pile of them in the past year. Stellenbosch Banker? Yes. Mark? Yes. Berlin? Yes. Bush man? Not really - he was pretty clear. Tasmanian? Yes and no. Charlie Harper? FUCK YES. The CEO? Another FUCK YES.

And Red? Yes. Finally yes. Yes I am prepared to say that Red has to go under the Asshole column. I don't want him under that column. I want the Red that I met at first: the full on, enthusiastic, open, passionate man who swept me off my feet even in my reluctance, and won my heart! But that's not the Red I have now. The Red I have now is Asshole Red. The Red who will, like the others, let me carry the emotional risk and leave me vulnerable, heartbroken, grieving and sad. And will ask me to keep in touch, and when I do, just let me blow out there in the wind.

I sent him this. My open-hearted truth in all its glory. Vulnerable. Raw. Honest.

22/09/2015, 6:54 PM - Trudy: So how does it work?  How does one be 'half' in something?

No answer.

Next morning:

23/09/2015, 7:52 AM - Trudy: I'm trying to imagine how that might feel. And all I can come up with is 'mediocre'. Because when you're holding yourself back to protect your heart in a situation like that surely your life experience is muted. Greyed out.

23/09/2015, 7:53 AM - Trudy: Bland.

23/09/2015, 7:54 AM - Trudy: Like looking at a table of magnificent food and choosing just the leek soup because there may be an unpleasant taste in one of the dishes hitherto unexplored.

23/09/2015, 7:57 AM - Trudy: There are so many things I've held back on in my life. Mostly physical risk things that my hubby and kids do and I'm too afraid. They relish those moments. I hold their cokes and jerseys. Muted and grey. Because I'm afraid.

23/09/2015, 7:59 AM - Trudy: Weird.  I'm terrified of physical risk. And I hold myself back from that. But emotional risk. ... Not so much. There I want to be wholehearted. Open and free. Rich and beautiful.

23/09/2015, 8:01 AM - Trudy: The risk is huge. Heartbreak. Sadness.  Loss. Grief. I've felt them all deeply before. I'll feel them again I'm sure.

23/09/2015, 8:03 AM - Trudy: But I want that magnificence that comes from loving wholeheartedly. Being safe enough to let go and relish the sheer joy,  however fleeting,  that comes with that.

He read it.

Didn't respond.

Still hasn't.

Asshole.

We met. But what is Closure Anyway?

Finally. After 66 days. We sat opposite each other in a coffee shop to have the conversation I really wanted. The conversation Red should have initiated in the first place as part of the 'right thing to do' if you're stepping away from an intimate relationship, and instead of a 120 character WhatsApp message.

It was nice to see him again. We were very quickly able to relax into the conversations we're good at having - light, comfortable...the catchup on what's been going down for the past few months. He's moved out. Divorce lawyer conflicts escalating. Nasty relations between him and ex-wife. Settling into bachelor life. Spending real time with kids. Reconnecting with old pals who weren't compatible with his ex-wife. Sometimes he's peaceful. Sometimes he's lonely. He's not regretting leaving. He's stressed about the future.

And me? I'm working hard. I'm lonely. I spent some time chasing new AMboys but they weren't Red. So stopped. The Tasmanian and Bush Man popped up for a play but I turned them both down because it's not time for me to do that. Because my heart is too heavy.

We talked business strategy. Work challenges. Child challenges.

And then, my conversation: I wanted him to know what I was really wanting. Because I thought he may have backed off because he imagined me wanting more of him than he is prepared to give. So I told him - I want a Lover Relationship. An escape from my real life. Fleeting, stolen moments. Sexual monogamy (for emotional safety and STD protection). Not meeting each other's families. Not demanding more time than we can both spare. Connection. Sex. Stolen time. Weekends away sometimes. Overnights sometimes. But no lifetime commitments. A time where 'now' is what counts. Until it doesn't work for one of us. And then we exit. In truth.

I think is what I wish I had communicated. I did manage to convey some of it. But this is real raw hard truth for me. So execution is messy and clumsy. I guess the gist of it came across. I did manage to tell him that I know I am inclined to prezel myself into whatever shape my man would want of me. And that I need to practice not doing that, starting with him.

He responded the same. He doesn't know what he wants. Doesn't want to make a commitment now. Thought he wanted an affair and then decided to leave his wife anyway. So what does he want? Fuck buddy? Friend with Benefits? Long term relationship? He doesn't know. Doesn't want to be unfair to me by stringing me along until he makes up his mind. Is afraid that if he finally makes up his mind in two months' time that he actually wants a Lover Relationship with me that I'll be long gone by then. Knows it's not fair to ask me to wait.

Then he asked me to stick around. Stay in touch. At that moment I had to hold back my tears. I said I didn't know how to be half-in something. He said he did know that.

And then he was gone. Rushing off to fetch his child from a school function. And I sat for a while. And then left too..

I have sent him WhatsApp messages since then, staying in touch. Like he asked. Vulnerable messages. Just saying my truth. He read them and didn't respond. At all.

What. The FUCK.

It's a Heartache

I'm in the Madikwe again. My mate with a Game Lodge had a free bed for the weekend so I just got in my car! It's a beautiful Eco Lodge with no game fences, so the big five are free to wander through the camp at any time. This morning we're holed up in the lounge because we've just seen a huge male lion in the camp looking for water. I'm pinching myself that I can actually just do that - get in my car and watch this magnificent creature in the African Bush!  Magical!

I'm still carrying my bruised heart around with me, trying hard to hold it gently and work through the sadness of Red's exit. I'm having conversations in my head wth him, cross with him for leaving. Cross he let me open to him, and then closed himself so very finally to me. By WhatsApp. Really! I keep imagining how I would respond if he came back to me at some stage. Do I rebuke him because, fuck! Who does that to someone?? Or do I give him a chance to win me back because I do understand actually why he closed down and disappeared to focus on ending his marriage, moving out and dealing his kids.

As I got to Madikwe yesterday, my car radio was playing that old Bonnie Tyler song, ' It's a Heartache'. Shew. I can't imagine how many times I've sung along to that song and not really taken in their lesson:

'It aint wise to need someone, as much as I've depended on.....You'

I think I keep on making the mistake of assuming that everyone feels the intense stuff I do. And not really understanding how they can easily walk away after feeling what I feel. But I think what I feel does have a lot to do with my own wounding. The co-dependant, needy, clingy stuff that is awakened in me at the slightest hint of connection is not what everybody goes through. The addiction stuff that rears up at the first taste of 'Sugar' is something that people like me suffer. For us, walking away like that would be almost impossible. Instead, we hang around, craving any crumb that may fall from the table, hoping that soon there will be more.

And the opposite of this clingy needy addiction is 'cutoff'. A complete closedown of all communication because it is a final desperate attempt at self protection. We assume that because you leave, you don't want us at all, because we're somehow undesireable. And that hurts like hell. Even if it's completely untrue!

So I keep fantasising about the message I'll send Red on 1 September, 1 month after our last WhatsApp conversation. It says something like "1 month no contact? I guess that means you really are the guy who dumped me by WhatsApp! Wow."

And because I'm so very fked up about how these things usually go, I have no idea whether this is a really good idea or a really bad one. I think I'm hoping it shames him into contacting me again and setting up a coffee for that deeper conversation; lets him know that I'm still up for something, even though it's rather negative. Or maybe a more positive contact is better: 'Hey you! How's the whole Bachelor Life treating you?' And that feels less needy and more tough. But doesn't it hide all this really sore process I'm going through, waiting for him to make good on his promise? Aren't I just hiding this emo part of me so he'll like me more and come back?

You see? Lots and lots of co-dependent stuff still oozing through me...I can't shake the thoughts that I am the reason he left, even though he was so very explicit that he needed to do this thing alone! I keep believing that I just wasn't good enough for him, and haven't done enough to 'Earn' his love.  This is the core stuff that I still need to heal more in myself, before I can truly engage with someone in relationship again.

If I don't, I'm going to be Narc Bait. And we all know how that ends...

My Heart is a Ghost Town

So I stopped waiting. Red missed his deadline. I got on the plane and flew to Cape Town.  And I've heard nothing from him at all.

So here I am, trying to do this sore heart recovery thing again and move on. Already I am able to get through hours of not even thinking about him, and his face is slowly but surely slipping from my mind.  Yesterday I landed and already had an Ashley Madison date set up for myself. A companiable walk on the beach and then a happy coffee on the beachfront was a lovely way to begin my Cape Town working few days. The AM boy is a lovely man, and we enjoyed each others' company a lot. But no chemistry at all for me. He was very complimentary about me - was so very pleasantly surprised that I was who I said I was. Told me how beautiful I am, and what a classy lady he perceives me to be. Was good salve for my soul - just to be reminded that I could be considered a good catch by some. He's not really my 'type' I don't think, but I really enjoyed my time with him.

Spent the evening contentedly alone, on my couch, watching TV. And then started today with yet another Cape Town based Ashley Madison coffee date. Ugh. What a contrast. A younger guy. Who bored me from about the 3rd word that came out of his mouth. I was so wishing I could politely get him to leave so I could rather use the time to get some emails done...

And that's when the sadness came at me again. I know I'm about to start another period, so I'm thinking that the hormones are probably to blame for my sad state of mind, but wow - suddenly I'm just sad sad sad.

I'm working with Mark today, and even that isn't enough to clear these cloudy heavy feelings I have. That song, 'My Heart is a Ghost Town' keeps playing through my head. It means something different to me than the original songwriter intended, though. I feel like the ghosts of all the men I've loved keep appearing in front of me. And when they do, I don't feel recovered from my pain at their loss. It's like it's fresh again. Each one, as he appears, makes me feel that wounding again. The sadness of their abandonment. The searing pain of rejection. I rehave my conversations with them in my head - telling them my side of the conversation, explaining to them that they were wrong to go - that I'm perfect for them...they just didn't stay around long enough to realise it.

Red's ghost is freshest: I tell that ghost that I'm not looking for heavy immersion and commitment. That I just want him to be my lover. In a light and connected way. That both of us have families, companies to run, and that I don't expect to be able to see him too much. That he doesn't need to be afraid of my neediness. That I won't be too heavy for him. That I would be a good companion for him while he goes through all of this tough breakup stuff with his wife. That he and I can find some joy together. But the ghost doesn't respond. Doesn't hear me. Doesn't turn to me with his arms open and welcome me into his space. I tell him I'm out here dating again because I want to scare him into coming back to me, not taking me for granted. I want him to be afraid that he is losing me so he will fight for me. I tell him that I'm sad because these two men are not him. That I found what I was wanting in him, and I don't want to start looking afresh. But the ghost looks right through me. Doesn't see me. Has forgotten me already.

I read an astrology chart for myself yesterday. It said I need to remember that all my emotional sadness is about my emotional addiction, not about actual realtionships that are past. I think that is the most spot on assessment I've ever heard. I think it is that. Each of these ghosts are simply embodying this addiction of mine. The pain of being alone always. The sadness and yearning I had for a narcissistic mother and absent father that permeated every waking day of my childhood, now recreated in these ghosts of men past. The danger for me is when I try to deal with that addiction with the actual men themselves rather than their ghosts.

And today, with my heart heavy and sad, and my hormones creating a weight in me, I am more at risk for sending that heartfelt plea and emotional overshare that seems to be what sends them all running for the hills. Today is the day that I must practice just not doing that. Holding myself in all my sadness and not trying to hand over this pain for somebody else to hold. Berlin has told me it's too scary and too much. Mark has told me it's too much. The normal men in the world, the non-narcs, are giving me the feedback that it's just too much.

So the conversations with the ghosts will have to do. Because the live men are gone. The addiction is howling. My heart is sad. And I wander this ghost town alone.

Slipping Through my Fingers?

I've been working hard through this weekend. On me. Not falling apart. Not pining.  Trying to live through the weekend with joy and richness. Friend richness. Family richness. Immersing myself in the people I care about.  Trying to forget to look at my phone every 3 minutes to see if he had messaged me.

I felt like he was struggling. With me? With his wife? Didn't know.  But I did know it was bad. He wouldn't have withdrawn from me if it wasn't bad. By Sunday afternoon after hours of bonding with one of my girls, I was resigned to the fact that I may never hear from him again. And that if I did, it could be to hear him say goodbye to me.

And it felt sore. On a rational level I get his need to withdraw.  He feels like he has too much to deal. Not good timing for a relationship.  But I also know that connections like this are rare.  If it is a real connection.  If I'm not making it all up in my head and just projecting my yearning onto him and making him a placeholder for my own ancient pain...

I heard from  him late on Sunday afternoon. Apologising for being gone. Telling me his home shitstorm started raging on Friday. And saying he needed to exit from me. That I'm a good woman and he doesn't want to hurt me. That the timing is wrong for him.

And I responded one last time to him to fight for this connection. I said that making decisions like this under emotional duress was a bad idea. That I didn't want to take this as his final word on the matter. That I wanted to have this conversation face to face with him. He agreed.  Said he'd call me in the week.

And now I wait. I'm so conflicted about how to deal this. I'm trying to hold my sore heart gently. Are we going to find a way to be together that works for us both? Will I be able to be content with being with him in small doses? Will he even feel he has any space for me? Does he even still want me? Or has he already begun the work of killing his feelings for me in his heart? Is he already gone? Am I doing him a disservice by hanging on to this hope instead of releasing him to find his own way? Am I just being selfish? Or will he be better off riding this tsunami with me? Am I just diving in to rescue and repeating my old pattern? Or is this the relationship where I get to hold myself and love another in a non codependent way?

So I have no choice about what will happen next. He's not a man who I could manipulate or control even if I wanted to. He knows his own mind.  I think he'll hear me out. And consider my opinion.  And then make his own mind up. And I might have to go through yet another heartbreak in the process.

I suppose this time I'm grateful that I chose a man who is a grownup. He's not just disappearing on me like some of the other cowards I've survived this year. He's being truthful and courageous. And seeing this through with me properly.

Sigh.

Makes me not want to lose him.

He's a fucking keeper!

Is he Trudy? Really?

Have I Done it Again?

Red feels gone. One week ago this morning we were kissing goodbye in his driveway after a lovely intimate and connected night together. I left with lightness and joy in my heart. I felt that I had chosen well and that this would be a rich and lovely path we would walk together.

But our conversation in this week has been about him withdrawing. First with words. Telling me he's in too much of a crazy space for him to be with me without hurting me. Saying he can't give me what I want - that I need immersion into his life and he needs to be separate for a while.

I took that to mean we were done, and began to sadly prepare myself to leave him behind me. But when I told him that, he said he doesn't want me to go. That he wanted me around but just wasn't sure how that would look. I said I think I should be forming what I wanted out of the relationship or I would run the risk of prezelling myself into any form he required of me and becoming sad and resentful because I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship.

So he asked me what I wanted. I went back to my profile on Ashley Madison and resent him my profile description:

I'm in a consenting open marriage. I want an actual relationship with a man who will enjoy exploring this life phase with me. My dream mate is clever. Successful. Soulful. Sexy. Healthy. Strong. Kind. Funny. Solid.I have lived life and learned stuff. I value wisdom and lifelong learning. I'm a curious thinker about the human condition. I write. I read. I work out (within reason). And I run a company. And a family. I want soulful connection and hot sex! Sometimes at the same time! An intimate life companion without the domestic ordinary that comes with marriage and kids. A place to escape sometimes and be this other part of me. I'm not into just a casual one shag thing. .. Although I know you have to start somewhere. ... so if you have no intention of lingering for a while and investing in a real connected relationship. ... please don't contact me. I'm the real deal and I don't enjoy being with men who would be flighty with my heart. Love Scammers that trawl this site: stay the fk away from me. I know your game and I'm not interested in playing. You'll be wasting your time with me.
My turn ons
Strong. Sexy. Solid. Knows his own mind. Kind. Funny. Clever
I'm looking for
reading. bush time. walking. sunday morning coffee and breakfast. I'm not really into pecker shots and online sex chats with strangers. I'd prefer actual real relationships with real people. So NO to international sex chatters please.


As  I read this again I realised how very clear I had been in this description for muself. And I felt sad that he was here with me but not really responding to my need. Like I'd been clear: don't contact me if you don't really want to have a relationship like I've described? But I do know some of the answers to that: you read a whole profile once and get an impression of someone, and respond to the impression rather than the actual content. If I'm honest I don't even remember any content on Red's profile at all. Was there any?

Another possibility is that he got swept away in the moment with me, and then stepped back to ask himself what he was actually doing... and started retreating into himself when it felt too much to deal. Another possibility is that he's found someone else that's pulling his attention from me and just isn't saying so. A red flag on that is that he's just taken off the 'last seen' function on WhatsApp - something many men do when they don't want people to know they're chatting to other people at 'sexy hours' of the night.

I don't know what it is. But all I'm experienceing is a fading of our conversation. From intense and connected last Saturday, to wistful and sad on Sunday, to sexy hard-assed flirting and banter on Monday and Tuesday, factual communication on what we're each doing on Thursday and Friday, to nothing on Friday night. And nothing today. Just nothing.

And I suppose any self respecting woman would call it at this moment. A quick delete of his number, blocking of the WhatsApp, and a 'leave me alone you fucker: you don't deserve me' message. Because whatever the issue, wouldn't it have been just right and kind and gentlemanly even to just say what was happening?

But another part of me first wants the explanation and closure conversation, if that's what it is to be. Because I'm wondering why he's doing this. Are his hatches battoned down and walls up because he's trying to deal something in his own head that's happening that he hasn't told me about? Is it me? Was our intimate time together disappointing for him so he's no longer that interested in being with me? Is that why Charlie Harper disappeared too? Am I just too intense? Did I share too much of myself with him? Is my openness and vulnerability just too much for anyone to take? Am I shit at sex? Look funny? Smell funny? Just not attractive enough for him?  I don't think it's these things...but it could be, couldn't it?

Is it me? Is it him? Should I trust him to come back when he's ready to reconnect? Should I allow myself to be abandoned like this with no explanation? Should I be sending a message to him that says 'this isn't OK - I don't deserve this treatment'? Or just leave this conversation where it lies with him until he returns to pick it up? If he  returns.

And then I keep reminding myself that he's leaving his wife and family next weekend. He's moving out on a marriage that he's been in for almost 2 decades. His life is crumbling and he must be feeling terrible. And we all deal that kind of thing in different ways: I want to be there for him in this. He probably wants to deal it alone. He's being incredibly clumsy in how he's dealing me in that. But shouldn't I be cutting him some slack in this very very difficult time of his?

What do I want?

I want to see him this weekend. I want to have a conversation about all of this so I can understand what's happening and how to respond. I want him to want to help me understand. To try. And not to just discard me. And then I want us to work though what all this has been about and agree a way forward. Together. Apart. Semi together. Communication expectations. Connection expectations. Boundaries. Connection times.  I just want to know what's happeneing. I want a truthful face to face conversation.

I want to understand so I can decide whether to keep my heart open and give him the space to heal himself? Or close it up. Walk away. Nurse my sadness. Move on.

So I think I'm not going to chase this thing. I won't actually impact it positively in any way if I do. The healthiest thing for me to do is get on with my day. My weekend. My life. Spend time with my family. Bond with my girlfriends. Deliver the huge requirments I have at work. And not sit outside his cave waiting and hoping that he may emerge at some stage. He'll come. He won't come. I can't control that. And if he doesn't, then I guess I'll have to go back into nurturing this sore heart of mine.


I don't want to have to do that again. Not another heartbreak repeat. But also, I know the sore heart is about much more than Red. And holding this heart safe for me is what I need to really be doing. Holding you Trudy. Keeping you safe.

Holding on Gently

PMT day. Again I’m feeling raw and needy. I’m sitting at home alone, typing at my husband’s desk. It’s Thursday evening.

Yesterday Red told his wife he’s leaving her. That’s just hectic for him. And on this very huge day of his, he needed me to back the fuck off him so he could process all the stuff he’s going through. I tried my hardest to do that: just get on with my life and let him deal what he wanted to deal. I so wanted to be that girl that can just comfortably release her man to the space he needs.

15/07/2015, 4:58 AM - Trudy Green: Hey you. Happy morning

15/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: Morning.  Things are hectic this morning.  Will message when left the house

15/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: Good luck

15/07/2015, 8:21 AM - Trudy Green: Hey you. If you need a debrief coffee I can meet you at Mugg and Bean. Having an admin day most of today so flexible. 

15/07/2015, 8:52 AM - RED: What is a debrief coffee?  Sounds formal

15/07/2015, 8:52 AM - Trudy Green: Not formal

15/07/2015, 8:53 AM - Trudy Green: Hectic morning. .. Maybe you need to connect a bit before you hit work

15/07/2015, 8:53 AM - Trudy Green: You ok?

15/07/2015, 8:54 AM - RED: I have an 'angst' feeling all through my body.   Home, work, just trying to regroup and figure it out.  Stay with me but a might need some room to move today.

15/07/2015, 8:55 AM - Trudy Green: I'm here Red

15/07/2015, 8:56 AM - Trudy Green: And I can be there in 15.... No pressure

15/07/2015, 8:56 AM - Trudy Green: You want to call?

15/07/2015, 9:07 AM - RED: Just a little space this am

15/07/2015, 9:08 AM - Trudy Green: Sure

15/07/2015, 9:28 AM - RED: You’re too special

15/07/2015, 9:29 AM - Trudy Green: Missing you tho

15/07/2015, 9:29 AM - Trudy Green: But I'll suck it up 

I managed to leave him alone. Completely. It was so hard to do.

15/07/2015, 1:37 PM - RED: How's your admin day going

15/07/2015, 1:38 PM - Trudy Green: Oh god

15/07/2015, 1:38 PM - Trudy Green: Serious withdrawal from you

15/07/2015, 1:39 PM - Trudy Green: I'm in a coffee shop writing a proposal for a business that doesn't exist yet

15/07/2015, 1:39 PM - Trudy Green: How are you?

15/07/2015, 2:16 PM - RED: I'm getting better. Thanks for giving me the space.

15/07/2015, 2:18 PM - Trudy Green: Thanks for managing it with me so carefully

15/07/2015, 2:57 PM - RED: A bit overwhelmed at the moment with all the things happening.  Just need to step back a bit to take stock.

15/07/2015, 3:27 PM - Trudy Green: So of course my instinct is to rush in and surround you and hold you and listen to you and think things through with you... so I'm sitting on my hands because you need to do this by yourself. I do understand. And I respect the space you need. 

15/07/2015, 3:39 PM - RED: F... Ck.   Why do you say all the right things?

15/07/2015, 3:41 PM - RED: Friday is arranged.  Hope it is still OK for you.

15/07/2015, 3:41 PM - Trudy Green: Shew. That's brilliant news

15/07/2015, 3:42 PM - Trudy Green: Yes it’s ok for me

15/07/2015, 3:42 PM - RED: Cool.

15/07/2015, 3:44 PM - Trudy Green: #happydance

15/07/2015, 6:47 PM - RED: Thanks.   Had a pathetic talk with wife.  Not a talk at all, best I could do was tell her "I am planning to move out.  We will then deal with the rest later".  Her response was "oh ok".

15/07/2015, 6:47 PM - Trudy Green: Shew

15/07/2015, 6:49 PM - RED: Not proud of myself.   Also had estate agent phone today to ask me if I wanted to sell the house.  Bit of a reality fuck. I said no but gave her my details.  I will need to take this step.

15/07/2015, 6:51 PM - Trudy Green: This stuff is hard. And that makes it impossible to deliver flawlessly. It comes from a deep sore space. Clumsy in execution is to be expected.

15/07/2015, 6:51 PM - Trudy Green: Don't judge yourself harshly Red. You're dealing a lot

15/07/2015, 6:53 PM - RED: I am mindful of this

15/07/2015, 6:54 PM - Trudy Green: He learns fast

15/07/2015, 6:54 PM - RED: A lot to deal with and let go of.

15/07/2015, 6:57 PM - Trudy Green: And there's a big grieving part in that

But instead, I struggled like crazy. Crazy crazy. So much Narc abuse stuff had started pouring into me. I was convinced for a while that he was actually a lying cheat and was using this ‘space’ I was giving him to pursue another woman – that he asked me to back off so I wouldn’t be hounding him and disturbing him while he was spading someone else. Then his photo disappeared off WhatsApp and I thought that meant he had blocked me on WhatsApp – again…maybe to stop me busting in on another tryst with another woman. He hadn’t. But that took me a while to figure out.

And then I managed to soothe myself about that picture, reminding myself that this wasn’t John-the-Narc, and actually a gentle and honest man who actually liked me and wasn’t going to cheat on me. And that he was going through a really rough time and needed some space for that.

And then the next hole I fell into was that I had come on too strong for him. And that he was backing the fuck off me because I wasn’t giving him any space to breathe. That my neediness that comes out at the first hint of abandonment was going to send him running for the hills and that I had shown him too much of me. That I had made it too easy for him to access me. That my vulnerability was too overwhelming for him. All of this creating intense conversations in my head. All of this I’m determined to not let spill into his space. And then feeling lonely because I’m alone with these feelings.

I had sat on my hands for hours, just willing myself to leave him the fuck alone. And even though I was really really busy, I just couldn’t get him off my mind. Picking up the phone and checking it every few minutes in case I hadn’t heard a message come through. I was also dying to know what had gone down with him. Wanted to get in my car and rush across town and take him for coffee. Talk with him. Unpack with him. Soothe him. Rescue him from his pain. Telling myself the whole time that he’s a grown man who is wanting to deal this stuff alone for now. And that I need to respect that. And give him his space. And leave him alone. Little needy broken bird and my inner nurturing woman were both beside themselves though – just aching to go over there. I know the right thing for me to respond with to that is reassurance. Calm the broken little one. Tell her I’ll keep her safe and that everything is going to be ok. But I didn’t manage to do that very well. It felt like abandonment. It wasn’t. I know that. But it felt like it.

I guess this is part of my clumsy and slow healing process. I have progressed far enough to recognise my own triggers when they come up. To know the pain is generated inside me, and not at all by the person ‘out there’. This isn’t Red stuff. It’s mine. I get it. But I can’t really manage it yet. It’s all messy and hard and debilitating for me. It takes me out of the game for a while and my heart hurts like crazy. Projections and false thinking and pain and trauma all washing around in a cocktail of PMS hormones and I find it so difficult to find a kind and loving place for myself.

In the evening we finally began to connect again. We played a sexy WhatsApp chat game with each other (flip…he’s GOOD at that), and then moved into the logistics of our meetup on Friday night. And then I started sharing with him my yearning of having a profoundly deep sexual connection with him.

15/07/2015, 9:59 PM - RED: I would love to.   Not sure if I can at the moment.  Yesterday and today hit me hard.  Reality set in. I need to sort out my shit.   I want you around but I might not be able or capable of committing to the level you want.

15/07/2015, 10:00 PM - Trudy Green: Shew.  I really want to understand more about what happened

15/07/2015, 10:01 PM - Trudy Green: But I'm not asking for any commitment that you can't do

15/07/2015, 10:01 PM - Trudy Green: I know the year you're about to have

15/07/2015, 10:01 PM - Trudy Green: I know the risk I run is being your rebound or transition relationship

15/07/2015, 10:02 PM - Trudy Green: I'm fragile too.

15/07/2015, 10:02 PM - RED: Nothing new happened.  I just knew I had to tell my wife.   The realisation was that the dominoes would fall.   No more delaying or going back.

15/07/2015, 10:03 PM - Trudy Green: I think we will bring each other some joy and comfort in tough times

15/07/2015, 10:03 PM - Trudy Green: So a lot happened. Inside you

15/07/2015, 10:04 PM - RED: Yes, it’s good to have you around.  I might run when feeling overwhelmed or pushed into a corner.

15/07/2015, 10:04 PM - Trudy Green: I'll try not to push

15/07/2015, 10:06 PM - Trudy Green: Just be kind and honest with me please.

15/07/2015, 10:07 PM - RED: You’re happy to go down the Zambezi on a tomato box boat and take all the rapids as they come.  I will want to stop a lot and hold back.

15/07/2015, 10:09 PM - Trudy Green: If I trust the Zambezi. And the tomato box.

15/07/2015, 10:09 PM - Trudy Green: But I hear you

15/07/2015, 10:13 PM - Trudy Green: I'm serious about that honesty bit though, Red. I have been so deceived in the past few years that it has become my biggest fear. Of being gullible and trusting and being lied to. You feel like an honest man to me. Which is why I'm here. But if I'm lied to, I'll be gone.

15/07/2015, 10:13 PM - Trudy Green: I can deal anything so long as it's the truth

15/07/2015, 10:22 PM - RED: I like you a lot.  That's the truth.  Can I get in a boat and down a river at full speed and let the water take over. No. I want to stop and sit on the bank to see if I am doing the right thing.  I can't go down another river and make another mistake. You need to know this. So be aware that I could stop at a bank any time.

15/07/2015, 10:23 PM - Trudy Green: Makes sense Red

15/07/2015, 10:23 PM - Trudy Green: What would that look like for me?

15/07/2015, 10:26 PM - RED: You sensed it last night.  And gave me the space.  The challenge for you is not trying to force me back on the boat too quickly.  But you might get frustrated and give up on me.

15/07/2015, 10:27 PM - Trudy Green: Hmmm....You're right about the challenge for me

15/07/2015, 10:28 PM - Trudy Green: But if you are able to help me understand what's happening I should be able to play in the boat by myself for a while

15/07/2015, 10:29 PM - Trudy Green: I do want to be that girl who is cool with that. Your introverted stuff will always need solitary recharge time.

15/07/2015, 10:31 PM - Trudy Green: I have such an insatiable need to rush in and fix. It's a real labour of love to hold back.

15/07/2015, 10:31 PM - Trudy Green: For me I mean.  For me to hold back

15/07/2015, 10:32 PM - RED: I see that.  I appreciate it and need the help.  I though tend to push away if overwhelmed or pushed into a corner.

15/07/2015, 10:34 PM - Trudy Green: Ok. Try tell me if I push you there please

He seems like a really kind and emotionally mature and aware guy. And he’s telling me clearly and truthfully where he’s at. But even through that, I start to feel pushed away and rejected a bit. And I know he’s trying to tell me gently at some level to just move back a bit. That he is overwhelmed and needing space to sort himself out. And in my grownup space I get that. But so much of me is actually 5. And 5 year old me really doesn’t want to yield any space. Wants to rail against the gentle push away and crawl up into his lap and beg to be held and protected and cherished. And I need to hold her and protect her. And not try to give the baby away to him again. He’s probably the guy most likely to be able to hold the baby that I’ve met, but I’m trying to do it while he himself is hanging on by a thread while his life crumbles around him. I cannot push him to rescue me. Just stand near him and let us both support each other to the best of our abilities.

I tossed and turned all night, trying to distract myself from my spiraling thoughts and pain with podcasts that would take my mind into other places. But by the morning, I could feel a lot of pain and sadness creeping in around my edges. Old pain. Triggered by his need for space and distance. His healthy need to protect himself a bit with distance created my needy abandonment stuff. Sore. Hard. Natural. I forced myself to not contact him first thing in the morning. Leave him alone a bit. Give him the space to feel like he missed me enough to get in touch again.

Finally:

16/07/2015, 7:13 AM - RED: Morning you

16/07/2015, 7:14 AM - Trudy Green: Hey!

16/07/2015, 7:15 AM - RED: Hey

16/07/2015, 7:15 AM - Trudy Green: I'm struggling a bit this morn

16/07/2015, 7:16 AM - RED: Oh no.   What's up?  Sore, tired, other

16/07/2015, 7:16 AM - Trudy Green: No. Just our conversation last night

16/07/2015, 7:17 AM - Trudy Green: Hit a vulnerable button for me

16/07/2015, 7:17 AM - RED: Research shows, sky news, if you on your phone more than an hour a day,  then you are depressed.

(He’s not being an ass here: we’re just both typing simultaneously, as one does on WhatsApp sometimes. So there is a tough conversation and a playful one happening simultaneously)

16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: Now they talking about mindfulness

16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - Trudy Green: Oh. I'm only on, like, 16 hours. ...

16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: But to you.  What was the button.

16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: You 16x more depressed than the average woman

16/07/2015, 7:19 AM - Trudy Green: Feeling like I've shown too much. Been too much. Like I should have been more circumspect and careful in how I've engaged with you

16/07/2015, 7:19 AM - Trudy Green: My shit

16/07/2015, 7:19 AM - Trudy Green: Triggered by your shit

16/07/2015, 7:22 AM - RED: Apologies, did not mean to hurt you.   Want to chat or do you need space

16/07/2015, 7:22 AM - Trudy Green: Of course you didn't mean to

16/07/2015, 7:22 AM - Trudy Green: You just told your truth. I'm telling you mine

16/07/2015, 7:23 AM - Trudy Green: I'd love to chat. But on Friday. When we have time. And you can hold me. And I can hold you back

16/07/2015, 7:23 AM - Trudy Green: And I really really need you to hold me.

16/07/2015, 7:24 AM - Trudy Green: And such is my demon that even telling you that feels dangerous and hard. ..

16/07/2015, 7:24 AM - RED: That would be good

16/07/2015, 7:25 AM - RED: What is your main demon?

16/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: Fear of abandonment.

16/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: That's the headline

16/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: What's yours?

16/07/2015, 7:28 AM - RED: Withdrawing into my self

16/07/2015, 7:28 AM - Trudy Green: Which happens because of what fear?

16/07/2015, 7:29 AM - RED: Not sure, I need to figure this out.

16/07/2015, 7:30 AM - Trudy Green: Yup. I have the words because of my year of therapy. ....

16/07/2015, 7:30 AM - Trudy Green: I'm going to shower: family dispatched. ... House to myself for a bit

16/07/2015, 7:32 AM - Trudy Green: I'm going to try and manage myself kindly and bravely with this. I'm suddenly afraid. And afraid to say I'm afraid. My heart is very afraid of being broken again. And part of me wants to run like hell.

16/07/2015, 7:32 AM - RED: Should I come over and join you

16/07/2015, 7:33 AM - Trudy Green: Would love that

16/07/2015, 7:33 AM - Trudy Green: Although I have the tiniest shower in the world. ..

16/07/2015, 7:34 AM - RED: That's the best.   Just thinking about taking you up against the wall.

And so descends the conversation into playful sexiness again.

It’s night time now. The day is past and Red is out with his daughter for dinner. I tried to call him in the day. He didn’t take my call. He was out driving alone. But didn’t feel the need to call me. I must really try to find my peace about this. I met this man less than two weeks ago. We like each other. His marriage is crashing around him. I’m just in recovery. We’re not soul mates. Yet.

I’m lonely. And sad. I miss him terribly. But I also know that this missing is not about him. Once again I have found somewhere to place that childhood yearning for my absent dad. Abandonment. Loneliness that comes from a lifetime of being lonely. Yearning that comes from dealing stuff alone always. It’s natural. I must love myself better on this one. 

A New Dance Partner?

I haven’t been writing. You may have noticed. Something in me just switched off for a while and writing was suddenly no longer part of my daily ritual. Part of that is because I’m getting more and more busily involved in the sales and expansion of the company, so writing time feels like a luxury. And part is about being a bit mute emotionally. Where I’m not in that hectic outpouring space any more, but more thoughtful. Internally focussed. But with no words.

That’s not really healthy for me though. I do know that. My writing here on this blog has been such a very important personal outlet for my pain and fear, and I really shouldn’t allow myself to lapse on it. And, as I’m writing, I also realise that I am a bit afraid about my privacy being violated here. In the process of corporatizing my company as part of the greater company, we have all had new laptops set up, inside the corporate umbrella of the big company. I have this weird feeling that every keystroke of mine can be observed by some IT dude somewhere in the world (they can get into my computer and repair it from there, so why shouldn’t they be able to track me from there?). That this laptop is no longer mine, but belongs to the company, and that I shouldn’t really be using it for personal stuff.

SO maybe that’s another problem to solve – I need my own personal writing device, so that I can be fully safe in everything I write, and that the location of this blog will never be found in any historical URL search my employers would conduct.

Right this moment I’m sitting in the middle of Madikwe Game Reserve. I’m on a weekend safari. I came here all by myself (although the owner is a friend), and have just been savouring the peace and quiet of the bush and the Game Drives out into the wilderness to see wild lions and hyenas and elephants etc. in their natural state. So good for my soul! And coffee on my mate’s lodge balcony, chatting and bonding about all sorts of things…this too has been beautiful!

And soon I will be getting into my car and driving back to Johannesburg. And there eagerly awaits a new Man..who has invited me to drinks at his home. Red, I call him. An online dating man.  He feels like a kind and good man. He’s enthusiastic about being with me, doesn’t play cat and mouse with his feelings, and seems to be the kind of man that I usually just walk past without noticing. Because he’s not my usual type – the imposing, unavailable, manipulative personality disordered men that draw me like a moth to the fire, but rather the type that seems real and open and present and caring and who I then normally dismiss without a thought.

So this time my question to myself is: can I stay the distance? Have I healed myself enough to be able to receive the care and love I think he wants to give me without running a mile because my inner fiver-year-old cannot tolerate actually receiving the love she so craves?