The Risk Exchange

Really interesting article I read in PsychologyToday.com last night. I've been thinking about it all day. For people like me who actually couldn't spot a functional human being if he was the only person standing in the Namib desert, I thought this may help me notice some Red Flags in the early stages of a relationship. It's about how people deal 'risk' with each other. Check it out at https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healing-and-growing/201509/start-new-relationship-the-right-way.

So I realise that I am owning too much of the risk early in a potential relationship. I put myself out there, and when my men don't reciprocate with equal disclosure I feel terrible. Vulnerable. Exposed. Heartsore. And then blame myself. And then tell myself to dial it back a bit. Or a lot. And if he gives me something vulnerable, I hold it. Cherish it. Reciprocate carefully so he doesn't ever feel that horrible exposed and vulnerable feeling I have a lot. I protect him from that. Because I know how dreadful it feels. Maybe I risk too much too early? Yes, I'm sure I risk too much too early. I need to be more careful about that.

And I suppose that people who risk too much scare those who risk too little. But there I go again, owning all of the responsibility. And actually I think I should be asking the question - 'What ASSHOLE would let me hang out to dry like that?!' And the answer is, of course, the Assholes that I keep choosing, keep being drawn to.

And if hanging me out to dry by leaving me to carry all the emotional risk is a criterion for Asshole, then I guess I've chosen a whole pile of them in the past year. Stellenbosch Banker? Yes. Mark? Yes. Berlin? Yes. Bush man? Not really - he was pretty clear. Tasmanian? Yes and no. Charlie Harper? FUCK YES. The CEO? Another FUCK YES.

And Red? Yes. Finally yes. Yes I am prepared to say that Red has to go under the Asshole column. I don't want him under that column. I want the Red that I met at first: the full on, enthusiastic, open, passionate man who swept me off my feet even in my reluctance, and won my heart! But that's not the Red I have now. The Red I have now is Asshole Red. The Red who will, like the others, let me carry the emotional risk and leave me vulnerable, heartbroken, grieving and sad. And will ask me to keep in touch, and when I do, just let me blow out there in the wind.

I sent him this. My open-hearted truth in all its glory. Vulnerable. Raw. Honest.

22/09/2015, 6:54 PM - Trudy: So how does it work?  How does one be 'half' in something?

No answer.

Next morning:

23/09/2015, 7:52 AM - Trudy: I'm trying to imagine how that might feel. And all I can come up with is 'mediocre'. Because when you're holding yourself back to protect your heart in a situation like that surely your life experience is muted. Greyed out.

23/09/2015, 7:53 AM - Trudy: Bland.

23/09/2015, 7:54 AM - Trudy: Like looking at a table of magnificent food and choosing just the leek soup because there may be an unpleasant taste in one of the dishes hitherto unexplored.

23/09/2015, 7:57 AM - Trudy: There are so many things I've held back on in my life. Mostly physical risk things that my hubby and kids do and I'm too afraid. They relish those moments. I hold their cokes and jerseys. Muted and grey. Because I'm afraid.

23/09/2015, 7:59 AM - Trudy: Weird.  I'm terrified of physical risk. And I hold myself back from that. But emotional risk. ... Not so much. There I want to be wholehearted. Open and free. Rich and beautiful.

23/09/2015, 8:01 AM - Trudy: The risk is huge. Heartbreak. Sadness.  Loss. Grief. I've felt them all deeply before. I'll feel them again I'm sure.

23/09/2015, 8:03 AM - Trudy: But I want that magnificence that comes from loving wholeheartedly. Being safe enough to let go and relish the sheer joy,  however fleeting,  that comes with that.

He read it.

Didn't respond.

Still hasn't.

Asshole.

Finding my Sadness

First rains of the Southern Hemisphere spring arrived yesterday. It's cold and miserable outside and I've spent the morning in my pj's reading articles online. I eventually drifted onto my blog and started taking myself through some of my pieces from a year ago.

Wow. I was a very sore girl then. Struggling with the cognitive dissonace of emerging from that horrible ground zero moment of just losing everything, including myself. I'm still sore, but the pain has shifted. I guess I understand the loss more now. I have learned that the loss was not John-the-narc. Or the life I had before him. The loss is actually the illusion I had of my life.

I have lost the picture I created for myself about the perfect world. The life I painted for myself in my own head that denied so much of my reality. I know that I spent many years running ahead of my deep sadness and loneliness. And masked it for myself in all sorts of ways. I believed loneliness was for losers. And they have only themselves to blame. So I created noise noise noise to eliminate the voices in my soul that wanted to draw my attention to that pain. Running. Doing. Marrying. Building. Mothering. Performing. Worrying. Learning. Growing. Shagging new men. Loving. Being unloved in return. Getting sick. Healing. Years and years of busyiness. More and more work and loads to carry.

All masking this deep sad lonely girl sitting at the core of me. Mute. Alone. Lost.

And so now the sadness I feel is her's. The sad, lonely girl at my core. I have put down enough things to be able to let her grief come through. There is less noise at my centre. And I feel her pain. Of course, I want to keep on running from it. It's horrible, this lonely sadness. And my lifetime-honed skill at escaping this pain keeps begging me to run again. And I do, often. In little fits and starts. Until I remember again that running won't really help me. That this pain at the core of me needs feeling. Moving through. Holding, until it's felt it's fill.

I still have not cried. I know there are a lifetime of tears sitting inside me still. Unshed. Waiting. I don't know what for.  I think of that Disney movie again when I think of those tears. Inside Outside. Where Joy draws a circle on the floor and instructs Sadness to stay in that circle. I think I have done that to my sadness. She can stay, so long as she stays in the circle. Joy is terrified of what may transpire if Sadness oversteps her circle. The chaos! The devastation. Joy can't abide that. She would prefer to keep things light and 'together' forever. Of course that doesn't happen, because life isn't like that, is it? Sadness must out.

And life gets richer when Sadness is part of the range of healthy emotions we allow ourselves to experience. If we allow it. I think I know this intellectually, but I'm having a really hard time letting Sadness be. Still, I try to contain and hold her, and not allow her to spill out and contaminate my world. And I have also become wise enough over time to know that I can't force this thing. That this barrel of unshed tears that is still travelling between my heart and my throat will unleash itself in it's own time. And I need to just be patient with myself and trust that I will find my way there when it's time.

A dear friend of mine had her sadness overcome her last week. She booked herself into a psychaitric hospital. I'm standing close to her and loving her well as best I can. She's on anti depressants and giving herself the time and the space she needs to recover and heal this space. I can't help feeling a bit envious of her: she seems to be able to access this stuff inside her a lot more readily than me. She has such great instincts about it all. She is getting well, slowly. I take so much longer to learn these lessons. And I have no anti depressants.

Feels like going through major surgery. Without an anaesthetic.

The Hidden Online Profile

I'm in Amsterdam. Came in yesterday afternoon and saw my client in Arnheim today. Landed a deal! That was worth the trip!!

But I was afraid of coming here. Afraid of once again wandering through the streets of a beautiful old city and feeling lonely again. Like Barcelona. Barcelona was beautiful and lonely. I ached there by myself and promised myself I wouldn't travel alone again. And then I did. Now, for example.

And for the past two weeks, while I have been planning this business trip, I've felt the fear sitting on my chest. And in my stomach. Fear of what? I don't really know. But the loneliness is the most likely answer.

And so here I am. Not lonely. Go figure! Just actually finding a good mix between work engagements, chatting to mates on Facebook and WhatsApp, and wandering the streets and waterways of Amsterdam. And sampling copius amounts of food. Delicious new things. And watching the people.

I've also been watching the people online. Seeing the debate rage about the Ashley Madison Hack. Reading through the sanctimonious judging assholes as they take pleasure in the pain and fear that the exposed are experiencing. And the cheating assholes responding to their jeering. And other cheating assholes denying ever having done anything on Ashley Madison except talk to fake profiles and netbots. Finding someone who actually admits to meeting people: actual real live relationships that may or not involve sex...none of those things happend. It's almost as hard to find anyone in South Africa who once voted for the Apartheid government in the bad old days!

I am clearly one of the very rare people out of 33 million who met up with live actual men, if the stories are to be believed. Not one of the men that I met and actually had sex with had wives, although the Tasmanian was in a committed long term relationship. And Red was on the way out of his. And Berlin was in a similarish open 'don't ask don't tell' situation, (not that Berlin and  I had 'The actual sex' mind you...). Some that I met and decided to not have sex with were married. It felt weird. I'm glad I didn't go there. And glad I pulled out of the Tasmanian situation as fast as I did - I couldn't really abide the lack of integrity that comes from consciously lying to one's spouse.  So my AM men are watching the 'exposure' with interest, rather than panic. We all would prefer this not spilling into our professional public domain, but aren't concerned our relationships will be affected. There's that part where I really don't want my kids to be exposed to this, and I hope that won't happen. I used a fake name and email address.

So shrink set me some homework, which I'm about to start: I need to write out my 'hidden' online dating profile. I'm sitting in a pub in Amsterdam having dinner by myself, and so now is as good a time as any, I suppose.

I haven't deleted my AM profile yet. I suspect that AM is a bit of a Ghost Town at the moment. But I haven't been back there since Red. I'm not completely sure it's over with Red, and I'm also trying now to not fling myself into yet another tough relationship. If he's not to be, I want to try to give myself some time out to recover more before I re-engage.

So my online profile reads like this:

I'm in a consenting open marriage. I want a relationship with a man who will enjoy exploring this life phase with me. My dream mate is clever. Successful. Soulful. Sexy. Healthy. Strong. Kind. Funny. Solid.I have lived life and learned stuff. I value wisdom and lifelong learning. I'm a curious thinker about the human condition. I write. I read. I work out (within reason). And I work.I want soulful connection and hot sex! Sometimes at the same time! An intimate life companion without the domestic ordinary that comes with marriage and kids. A place to escape sometimes and be this other part of me. Love Scammers that trawl this site: stay the fk away from me. I know your game and I'm not interested in playing. You'll be wasting your time with me.

It's all true. Not one lie or fake word here. But there is a lot of stuff missing of course - the stuff I wouldn't put in the shop window.

Would it read more like this?

I'm 48 and fucked up. Piles of baggage. Tough childhood stuff shaped me and tough adult stuff drove the message home. I will seduce and entice you with my sexy siren song, and flip on you the minute you show me any interest. I'm not hard to get. I'm far too fucking easy, and give my heart away to undeserving assholes who don't know what a gift it is. I love wholeheartedly, intensely, overwhelmingly. If left unchecked I can smother you with whatever I think you need. I'll think for you, love for you, anticipate your every need, and overcompensate for your shortcomings. I'll let you get away with anything because I'm afraid you'll leave. I'll be dileriously happy with whatever crumbs of love and affection you'll leave me. If you don't match my connection enthusiasm with texts and calls and meetups, if you take hours to read my texts, and even longer to respond, I'll panic and imagine you gone, and turn into a clingy wretch, and pursue you relentlessly, seeking approval and reassurance from you. But I'll forgive you anything you do - I'll protect you from the pain you cause me, and carry it all inside my fragmented and fragile heart. And if you need to leave me, I'll wait for you: days, weeks, months. Take all the space you need. Take everything you need: I'll put my needs on hold for you for as long as you need me to. Love me. I beg you. Love me.

Also all true.

I don't want it to be true for me any more.

Is it just my Placeholder?

No sooner had I posted my previous blog when I found a message from Red on my phone. After 2 weeks of no contact, he sent me an article with advice on things to drink for my Rheumatoid Arthritis. Which I think was probably his way of telling me he's not completely gone yet. I was so very pleased to hear from him...it calmed my very sore soul for a couple of days. And since then we've had a light chat going, about him moving out. About anything. With days between comments. And nothing about meeting and talking.

And I have carried this very very deep pain in me through all these weeks. The abandonment pain. The yearning. The waiting. My Rheumatoid has been flaring for weeks. Inflammation all over my body. I've upped my chemo meds, and my anti inflammatories. But still I'm waking up every morning now with swollen hands and feet. I know that at some deep level this is my body responding to my pain. That this very very deep and sore old pain is rearing up into my hands and feet and reminding me, all the time, how very very sore I am. Sore in my heart. Sore in my body.

He's moved out. And is coming to terms with what this new life is to be. He hasn't told me very much about it at all. I so want to see deeper into his life, and walk this time with him.

But I don't think it's going to be. I think actually I have no idea whether I am pining for Red, or if he's just yet another placeholder for my nameless yearning.  I'm tired. So very deeply tired of this cycle that I'm on. Hunt a boy. Meet him. See possibility and hope. Find a connection. Or not. Deepen the connection. Open my heart. Begin to hope and celebrate the beginning of joy in my heart. And then he leaves. And I'm left yearning. Aching. Waiting. Sad sad sad. Its just a cycle of one placeholder after another.

I no longer have the naive belief that there is 'the one' out there waiting for me. I don't believe in happily ever after. I think all relationships eventually fail or fade. I can't see a future that is a very long term one. All I want to do is be with someone who will hold me. Love me. Even if that doesn't last forever. And how long is forever anyway? I nearly died twice this past year. That could really happen. Any day. I want to be loved and held now.

Because I'm tired tired tired of being so very fucking lonely every fucking day.

So I came out of my therapy session with my shrink today and messaged Red:

We were going to meet up. So I wouldn't have to be the girl who got dumped on WhatsApp.  You said your demon was about escaping into yourself. Mine is about abandonment. I guess both of our demons are úp' right now.  I'm sad. Fucking sad. Thought you should know. Because I have not done anything until now to let you know that. 

It may well be our last piece of communication. I have no idea.

But I do know I just can't fucking do this any more.

 

It's a Heartache

I'm in the Madikwe again. My mate with a Game Lodge had a free bed for the weekend so I just got in my car! It's a beautiful Eco Lodge with no game fences, so the big five are free to wander through the camp at any time. This morning we're holed up in the lounge because we've just seen a huge male lion in the camp looking for water. I'm pinching myself that I can actually just do that - get in my car and watch this magnificent creature in the African Bush!  Magical!

I'm still carrying my bruised heart around with me, trying hard to hold it gently and work through the sadness of Red's exit. I'm having conversations in my head wth him, cross with him for leaving. Cross he let me open to him, and then closed himself so very finally to me. By WhatsApp. Really! I keep imagining how I would respond if he came back to me at some stage. Do I rebuke him because, fuck! Who does that to someone?? Or do I give him a chance to win me back because I do understand actually why he closed down and disappeared to focus on ending his marriage, moving out and dealing his kids.

As I got to Madikwe yesterday, my car radio was playing that old Bonnie Tyler song, ' It's a Heartache'. Shew. I can't imagine how many times I've sung along to that song and not really taken in their lesson:

'It aint wise to need someone, as much as I've depended on.....You'

I think I keep on making the mistake of assuming that everyone feels the intense stuff I do. And not really understanding how they can easily walk away after feeling what I feel. But I think what I feel does have a lot to do with my own wounding. The co-dependant, needy, clingy stuff that is awakened in me at the slightest hint of connection is not what everybody goes through. The addiction stuff that rears up at the first taste of 'Sugar' is something that people like me suffer. For us, walking away like that would be almost impossible. Instead, we hang around, craving any crumb that may fall from the table, hoping that soon there will be more.

And the opposite of this clingy needy addiction is 'cutoff'. A complete closedown of all communication because it is a final desperate attempt at self protection. We assume that because you leave, you don't want us at all, because we're somehow undesireable. And that hurts like hell. Even if it's completely untrue!

So I keep fantasising about the message I'll send Red on 1 September, 1 month after our last WhatsApp conversation. It says something like "1 month no contact? I guess that means you really are the guy who dumped me by WhatsApp! Wow."

And because I'm so very fked up about how these things usually go, I have no idea whether this is a really good idea or a really bad one. I think I'm hoping it shames him into contacting me again and setting up a coffee for that deeper conversation; lets him know that I'm still up for something, even though it's rather negative. Or maybe a more positive contact is better: 'Hey you! How's the whole Bachelor Life treating you?' And that feels less needy and more tough. But doesn't it hide all this really sore process I'm going through, waiting for him to make good on his promise? Aren't I just hiding this emo part of me so he'll like me more and come back?

You see? Lots and lots of co-dependent stuff still oozing through me...I can't shake the thoughts that I am the reason he left, even though he was so very explicit that he needed to do this thing alone! I keep believing that I just wasn't good enough for him, and haven't done enough to 'Earn' his love.  This is the core stuff that I still need to heal more in myself, before I can truly engage with someone in relationship again.

If I don't, I'm going to be Narc Bait. And we all know how that ends...

My Heart is a Ghost Town

So I stopped waiting. Red missed his deadline. I got on the plane and flew to Cape Town.  And I've heard nothing from him at all.

So here I am, trying to do this sore heart recovery thing again and move on. Already I am able to get through hours of not even thinking about him, and his face is slowly but surely slipping from my mind.  Yesterday I landed and already had an Ashley Madison date set up for myself. A companiable walk on the beach and then a happy coffee on the beachfront was a lovely way to begin my Cape Town working few days. The AM boy is a lovely man, and we enjoyed each others' company a lot. But no chemistry at all for me. He was very complimentary about me - was so very pleasantly surprised that I was who I said I was. Told me how beautiful I am, and what a classy lady he perceives me to be. Was good salve for my soul - just to be reminded that I could be considered a good catch by some. He's not really my 'type' I don't think, but I really enjoyed my time with him.

Spent the evening contentedly alone, on my couch, watching TV. And then started today with yet another Cape Town based Ashley Madison coffee date. Ugh. What a contrast. A younger guy. Who bored me from about the 3rd word that came out of his mouth. I was so wishing I could politely get him to leave so I could rather use the time to get some emails done...

And that's when the sadness came at me again. I know I'm about to start another period, so I'm thinking that the hormones are probably to blame for my sad state of mind, but wow - suddenly I'm just sad sad sad.

I'm working with Mark today, and even that isn't enough to clear these cloudy heavy feelings I have. That song, 'My Heart is a Ghost Town' keeps playing through my head. It means something different to me than the original songwriter intended, though. I feel like the ghosts of all the men I've loved keep appearing in front of me. And when they do, I don't feel recovered from my pain at their loss. It's like it's fresh again. Each one, as he appears, makes me feel that wounding again. The sadness of their abandonment. The searing pain of rejection. I rehave my conversations with them in my head - telling them my side of the conversation, explaining to them that they were wrong to go - that I'm perfect for them...they just didn't stay around long enough to realise it.

Red's ghost is freshest: I tell that ghost that I'm not looking for heavy immersion and commitment. That I just want him to be my lover. In a light and connected way. That both of us have families, companies to run, and that I don't expect to be able to see him too much. That he doesn't need to be afraid of my neediness. That I won't be too heavy for him. That I would be a good companion for him while he goes through all of this tough breakup stuff with his wife. That he and I can find some joy together. But the ghost doesn't respond. Doesn't hear me. Doesn't turn to me with his arms open and welcome me into his space. I tell him I'm out here dating again because I want to scare him into coming back to me, not taking me for granted. I want him to be afraid that he is losing me so he will fight for me. I tell him that I'm sad because these two men are not him. That I found what I was wanting in him, and I don't want to start looking afresh. But the ghost looks right through me. Doesn't see me. Has forgotten me already.

I read an astrology chart for myself yesterday. It said I need to remember that all my emotional sadness is about my emotional addiction, not about actual realtionships that are past. I think that is the most spot on assessment I've ever heard. I think it is that. Each of these ghosts are simply embodying this addiction of mine. The pain of being alone always. The sadness and yearning I had for a narcissistic mother and absent father that permeated every waking day of my childhood, now recreated in these ghosts of men past. The danger for me is when I try to deal with that addiction with the actual men themselves rather than their ghosts.

And today, with my heart heavy and sad, and my hormones creating a weight in me, I am more at risk for sending that heartfelt plea and emotional overshare that seems to be what sends them all running for the hills. Today is the day that I must practice just not doing that. Holding myself in all my sadness and not trying to hand over this pain for somebody else to hold. Berlin has told me it's too scary and too much. Mark has told me it's too much. The normal men in the world, the non-narcs, are giving me the feedback that it's just too much.

So the conversations with the ghosts will have to do. Because the live men are gone. The addiction is howling. My heart is sad. And I wander this ghost town alone.

The Expert Waiter

No. Not the kind of waiter you would expect to find in a restaurant.

But rather a person who waits. My shrink was pointing out to me yesterday that this seems to be one of my own personal brand of expert skills. Learned and shaped through a lifetime of waiting. Waiting for my mom. Waiting for my dad. Waiting for my alcoholic ex-husband to come home after long nights of drinking and debauchery. Waiting for my current husband to finish off all of his other priorities and find some time for me. Waiting for my ex-lover Narc to come back to me after every blow up fight where he would disappear to 'regroup', (now to be understood as going off to fuck other women).

Waiting is probably most about waiting for my dad to emerge from his cave. His artist's studio where he would paint for hours at a time, cleverly escaping my mom's bullying in there. It was a no-go area for us kids. He wanted to paint alone. And we were never allowed to see his magnificent oil paintings until they were finished. That often took months.  I used to sneak into that studio when he wasn't around. And dip one of his paintbrushes into the paint, and dot a few colours onto each and every painting. Don't know why I did that. He never said anything if he actually noticed. But I would look at those paintings in their prohibited unfinished state and long for my dad.

This longing, waiting feeling is such an old familiar one. I didn't realise that not everyone feels it. It seems to be a creation of my own particular circumstance. To love seems to be 'to long' for me. I am unable to remove the object of my longing from my mind and heart so I can wholeheartedly focus on my other commitments. Instead I carry it like a heavy stone that sits between my heart and my throat all the time. And it feels like a barrel of unshed tears just travelling inside me.

So here I am, waiting again. For Red. Shrink says she doesn't want to see me waiting again for anyone. That the danger in my waiting is the red flag that I'm going there again - once again attracted into a dynamic that is so destructive for me. Where my needs and desires need to be put on hold while the man I desire gets the time and space to do whatever he thinks he needs to make his life work.

I know that a lot of this waiting phase is of my own making. I could have just taken Red's first assertion that he needs to be alone to deal his separation and letting me go on WhatsApp as the final word. I didn't. I fought for the connection. I asked for a conversation, even if it's just going to be a conversation of closure. So I have managed myself into this painful and old, familiar place while I wait it out. Familiar, sore, dangerous place for me.

Shrink says I have always fought for the connection. Always had to sit patiently while the person I need love from does their own thing, oblivious to the internal pain I experience while I wait.. She wants me to stop fighting. To be able to find it in myself to walk away if the other person does not see fit to fight.

So I'm going to practice that with Red. While I wait I'm playing with my other AM boys, connecting with girlfriends, setting up things that will soothe and nurture me. Berlin has asked me out for drinks on Friday night. And instead of me making it tentative in case Red wants to see me then, I've just said Ýes'. And another AM guy is coming to Joburg today and I may meet him for drinks. And yet another wants to see me when I get to Cape Town on Sunday. I'm just going to say 'Yes' to them all. See them. Enjoy connecting with them. Not cheat on Red in any way with them, and be clear with them that I'm not ready to go 'further' with them. But leave my options open. Red has until Sunday to do something properly to fight for us. He needs to call like he promised. He needs to try and see me.

If he doesn't, I'm walking away.

Because I need to get bad at waiting.

Slipping Through my Fingers?

I've been working hard through this weekend. On me. Not falling apart. Not pining.  Trying to live through the weekend with joy and richness. Friend richness. Family richness. Immersing myself in the people I care about.  Trying to forget to look at my phone every 3 minutes to see if he had messaged me.

I felt like he was struggling. With me? With his wife? Didn't know.  But I did know it was bad. He wouldn't have withdrawn from me if it wasn't bad. By Sunday afternoon after hours of bonding with one of my girls, I was resigned to the fact that I may never hear from him again. And that if I did, it could be to hear him say goodbye to me.

And it felt sore. On a rational level I get his need to withdraw.  He feels like he has too much to deal. Not good timing for a relationship.  But I also know that connections like this are rare.  If it is a real connection.  If I'm not making it all up in my head and just projecting my yearning onto him and making him a placeholder for my own ancient pain...

I heard from  him late on Sunday afternoon. Apologising for being gone. Telling me his home shitstorm started raging on Friday. And saying he needed to exit from me. That I'm a good woman and he doesn't want to hurt me. That the timing is wrong for him.

And I responded one last time to him to fight for this connection. I said that making decisions like this under emotional duress was a bad idea. That I didn't want to take this as his final word on the matter. That I wanted to have this conversation face to face with him. He agreed.  Said he'd call me in the week.

And now I wait. I'm so conflicted about how to deal this. I'm trying to hold my sore heart gently. Are we going to find a way to be together that works for us both? Will I be able to be content with being with him in small doses? Will he even feel he has any space for me? Does he even still want me? Or has he already begun the work of killing his feelings for me in his heart? Is he already gone? Am I doing him a disservice by hanging on to this hope instead of releasing him to find his own way? Am I just being selfish? Or will he be better off riding this tsunami with me? Am I just diving in to rescue and repeating my old pattern? Or is this the relationship where I get to hold myself and love another in a non codependent way?

So I have no choice about what will happen next. He's not a man who I could manipulate or control even if I wanted to. He knows his own mind.  I think he'll hear me out. And consider my opinion.  And then make his own mind up. And I might have to go through yet another heartbreak in the process.

I suppose this time I'm grateful that I chose a man who is a grownup. He's not just disappearing on me like some of the other cowards I've survived this year. He's being truthful and courageous. And seeing this through with me properly.

Sigh.

Makes me not want to lose him.

He's a fucking keeper!

Is he Trudy? Really?

Have I Done it Again?

Red feels gone. One week ago this morning we were kissing goodbye in his driveway after a lovely intimate and connected night together. I left with lightness and joy in my heart. I felt that I had chosen well and that this would be a rich and lovely path we would walk together.

But our conversation in this week has been about him withdrawing. First with words. Telling me he's in too much of a crazy space for him to be with me without hurting me. Saying he can't give me what I want - that I need immersion into his life and he needs to be separate for a while.

I took that to mean we were done, and began to sadly prepare myself to leave him behind me. But when I told him that, he said he doesn't want me to go. That he wanted me around but just wasn't sure how that would look. I said I think I should be forming what I wanted out of the relationship or I would run the risk of prezelling myself into any form he required of me and becoming sad and resentful because I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship.

So he asked me what I wanted. I went back to my profile on Ashley Madison and resent him my profile description:

I'm in a consenting open marriage. I want an actual relationship with a man who will enjoy exploring this life phase with me. My dream mate is clever. Successful. Soulful. Sexy. Healthy. Strong. Kind. Funny. Solid.I have lived life and learned stuff. I value wisdom and lifelong learning. I'm a curious thinker about the human condition. I write. I read. I work out (within reason). And I run a company. And a family. I want soulful connection and hot sex! Sometimes at the same time! An intimate life companion without the domestic ordinary that comes with marriage and kids. A place to escape sometimes and be this other part of me. I'm not into just a casual one shag thing. .. Although I know you have to start somewhere. ... so if you have no intention of lingering for a while and investing in a real connected relationship. ... please don't contact me. I'm the real deal and I don't enjoy being with men who would be flighty with my heart. Love Scammers that trawl this site: stay the fk away from me. I know your game and I'm not interested in playing. You'll be wasting your time with me.
My turn ons
Strong. Sexy. Solid. Knows his own mind. Kind. Funny. Clever
I'm looking for
reading. bush time. walking. sunday morning coffee and breakfast. I'm not really into pecker shots and online sex chats with strangers. I'd prefer actual real relationships with real people. So NO to international sex chatters please.


As  I read this again I realised how very clear I had been in this description for muself. And I felt sad that he was here with me but not really responding to my need. Like I'd been clear: don't contact me if you don't really want to have a relationship like I've described? But I do know some of the answers to that: you read a whole profile once and get an impression of someone, and respond to the impression rather than the actual content. If I'm honest I don't even remember any content on Red's profile at all. Was there any?

Another possibility is that he got swept away in the moment with me, and then stepped back to ask himself what he was actually doing... and started retreating into himself when it felt too much to deal. Another possibility is that he's found someone else that's pulling his attention from me and just isn't saying so. A red flag on that is that he's just taken off the 'last seen' function on WhatsApp - something many men do when they don't want people to know they're chatting to other people at 'sexy hours' of the night.

I don't know what it is. But all I'm experienceing is a fading of our conversation. From intense and connected last Saturday, to wistful and sad on Sunday, to sexy hard-assed flirting and banter on Monday and Tuesday, factual communication on what we're each doing on Thursday and Friday, to nothing on Friday night. And nothing today. Just nothing.

And I suppose any self respecting woman would call it at this moment. A quick delete of his number, blocking of the WhatsApp, and a 'leave me alone you fucker: you don't deserve me' message. Because whatever the issue, wouldn't it have been just right and kind and gentlemanly even to just say what was happening?

But another part of me first wants the explanation and closure conversation, if that's what it is to be. Because I'm wondering why he's doing this. Are his hatches battoned down and walls up because he's trying to deal something in his own head that's happening that he hasn't told me about? Is it me? Was our intimate time together disappointing for him so he's no longer that interested in being with me? Is that why Charlie Harper disappeared too? Am I just too intense? Did I share too much of myself with him? Is my openness and vulnerability just too much for anyone to take? Am I shit at sex? Look funny? Smell funny? Just not attractive enough for him?  I don't think it's these things...but it could be, couldn't it?

Is it me? Is it him? Should I trust him to come back when he's ready to reconnect? Should I allow myself to be abandoned like this with no explanation? Should I be sending a message to him that says 'this isn't OK - I don't deserve this treatment'? Or just leave this conversation where it lies with him until he returns to pick it up? If he  returns.

And then I keep reminding myself that he's leaving his wife and family next weekend. He's moving out on a marriage that he's been in for almost 2 decades. His life is crumbling and he must be feeling terrible. And we all deal that kind of thing in different ways: I want to be there for him in this. He probably wants to deal it alone. He's being incredibly clumsy in how he's dealing me in that. But shouldn't I be cutting him some slack in this very very difficult time of his?

What do I want?

I want to see him this weekend. I want to have a conversation about all of this so I can understand what's happening and how to respond. I want him to want to help me understand. To try. And not to just discard me. And then I want us to work though what all this has been about and agree a way forward. Together. Apart. Semi together. Communication expectations. Connection expectations. Boundaries. Connection times.  I just want to know what's happeneing. I want a truthful face to face conversation.

I want to understand so I can decide whether to keep my heart open and give him the space to heal himself? Or close it up. Walk away. Nurse my sadness. Move on.

So I think I'm not going to chase this thing. I won't actually impact it positively in any way if I do. The healthiest thing for me to do is get on with my day. My weekend. My life. Spend time with my family. Bond with my girlfriends. Deliver the huge requirments I have at work. And not sit outside his cave waiting and hoping that he may emerge at some stage. He'll come. He won't come. I can't control that. And if he doesn't, then I guess I'll have to go back into nurturing this sore heart of mine.


I don't want to have to do that again. Not another heartbreak repeat. But also, I know the sore heart is about much more than Red. And holding this heart safe for me is what I need to really be doing. Holding you Trudy. Keeping you safe.

Holding on Gently

PMT day. Again I’m feeling raw and needy. I’m sitting at home alone, typing at my husband’s desk. It’s Thursday evening.

Yesterday Red told his wife he’s leaving her. That’s just hectic for him. And on this very huge day of his, he needed me to back the fuck off him so he could process all the stuff he’s going through. I tried my hardest to do that: just get on with my life and let him deal what he wanted to deal. I so wanted to be that girl that can just comfortably release her man to the space he needs.

15/07/2015, 4:58 AM - Trudy Green: Hey you. Happy morning

15/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: Morning.  Things are hectic this morning.  Will message when left the house

15/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: Good luck

15/07/2015, 8:21 AM - Trudy Green: Hey you. If you need a debrief coffee I can meet you at Mugg and Bean. Having an admin day most of today so flexible. 

15/07/2015, 8:52 AM - RED: What is a debrief coffee?  Sounds formal

15/07/2015, 8:52 AM - Trudy Green: Not formal

15/07/2015, 8:53 AM - Trudy Green: Hectic morning. .. Maybe you need to connect a bit before you hit work

15/07/2015, 8:53 AM - Trudy Green: You ok?

15/07/2015, 8:54 AM - RED: I have an 'angst' feeling all through my body.   Home, work, just trying to regroup and figure it out.  Stay with me but a might need some room to move today.

15/07/2015, 8:55 AM - Trudy Green: I'm here Red

15/07/2015, 8:56 AM - Trudy Green: And I can be there in 15.... No pressure

15/07/2015, 8:56 AM - Trudy Green: You want to call?

15/07/2015, 9:07 AM - RED: Just a little space this am

15/07/2015, 9:08 AM - Trudy Green: Sure

15/07/2015, 9:28 AM - RED: You’re too special

15/07/2015, 9:29 AM - Trudy Green: Missing you tho

15/07/2015, 9:29 AM - Trudy Green: But I'll suck it up 

I managed to leave him alone. Completely. It was so hard to do.

15/07/2015, 1:37 PM - RED: How's your admin day going

15/07/2015, 1:38 PM - Trudy Green: Oh god

15/07/2015, 1:38 PM - Trudy Green: Serious withdrawal from you

15/07/2015, 1:39 PM - Trudy Green: I'm in a coffee shop writing a proposal for a business that doesn't exist yet

15/07/2015, 1:39 PM - Trudy Green: How are you?

15/07/2015, 2:16 PM - RED: I'm getting better. Thanks for giving me the space.

15/07/2015, 2:18 PM - Trudy Green: Thanks for managing it with me so carefully

15/07/2015, 2:57 PM - RED: A bit overwhelmed at the moment with all the things happening.  Just need to step back a bit to take stock.

15/07/2015, 3:27 PM - Trudy Green: So of course my instinct is to rush in and surround you and hold you and listen to you and think things through with you... so I'm sitting on my hands because you need to do this by yourself. I do understand. And I respect the space you need. 

15/07/2015, 3:39 PM - RED: F... Ck.   Why do you say all the right things?

15/07/2015, 3:41 PM - RED: Friday is arranged.  Hope it is still OK for you.

15/07/2015, 3:41 PM - Trudy Green: Shew. That's brilliant news

15/07/2015, 3:42 PM - Trudy Green: Yes it’s ok for me

15/07/2015, 3:42 PM - RED: Cool.

15/07/2015, 3:44 PM - Trudy Green: #happydance

15/07/2015, 6:47 PM - RED: Thanks.   Had a pathetic talk with wife.  Not a talk at all, best I could do was tell her "I am planning to move out.  We will then deal with the rest later".  Her response was "oh ok".

15/07/2015, 6:47 PM - Trudy Green: Shew

15/07/2015, 6:49 PM - RED: Not proud of myself.   Also had estate agent phone today to ask me if I wanted to sell the house.  Bit of a reality fuck. I said no but gave her my details.  I will need to take this step.

15/07/2015, 6:51 PM - Trudy Green: This stuff is hard. And that makes it impossible to deliver flawlessly. It comes from a deep sore space. Clumsy in execution is to be expected.

15/07/2015, 6:51 PM - Trudy Green: Don't judge yourself harshly Red. You're dealing a lot

15/07/2015, 6:53 PM - RED: I am mindful of this

15/07/2015, 6:54 PM - Trudy Green: He learns fast

15/07/2015, 6:54 PM - RED: A lot to deal with and let go of.

15/07/2015, 6:57 PM - Trudy Green: And there's a big grieving part in that

But instead, I struggled like crazy. Crazy crazy. So much Narc abuse stuff had started pouring into me. I was convinced for a while that he was actually a lying cheat and was using this ‘space’ I was giving him to pursue another woman – that he asked me to back off so I wouldn’t be hounding him and disturbing him while he was spading someone else. Then his photo disappeared off WhatsApp and I thought that meant he had blocked me on WhatsApp – again…maybe to stop me busting in on another tryst with another woman. He hadn’t. But that took me a while to figure out.

And then I managed to soothe myself about that picture, reminding myself that this wasn’t John-the-Narc, and actually a gentle and honest man who actually liked me and wasn’t going to cheat on me. And that he was going through a really rough time and needed some space for that.

And then the next hole I fell into was that I had come on too strong for him. And that he was backing the fuck off me because I wasn’t giving him any space to breathe. That my neediness that comes out at the first hint of abandonment was going to send him running for the hills and that I had shown him too much of me. That I had made it too easy for him to access me. That my vulnerability was too overwhelming for him. All of this creating intense conversations in my head. All of this I’m determined to not let spill into his space. And then feeling lonely because I’m alone with these feelings.

I had sat on my hands for hours, just willing myself to leave him the fuck alone. And even though I was really really busy, I just couldn’t get him off my mind. Picking up the phone and checking it every few minutes in case I hadn’t heard a message come through. I was also dying to know what had gone down with him. Wanted to get in my car and rush across town and take him for coffee. Talk with him. Unpack with him. Soothe him. Rescue him from his pain. Telling myself the whole time that he’s a grown man who is wanting to deal this stuff alone for now. And that I need to respect that. And give him his space. And leave him alone. Little needy broken bird and my inner nurturing woman were both beside themselves though – just aching to go over there. I know the right thing for me to respond with to that is reassurance. Calm the broken little one. Tell her I’ll keep her safe and that everything is going to be ok. But I didn’t manage to do that very well. It felt like abandonment. It wasn’t. I know that. But it felt like it.

I guess this is part of my clumsy and slow healing process. I have progressed far enough to recognise my own triggers when they come up. To know the pain is generated inside me, and not at all by the person ‘out there’. This isn’t Red stuff. It’s mine. I get it. But I can’t really manage it yet. It’s all messy and hard and debilitating for me. It takes me out of the game for a while and my heart hurts like crazy. Projections and false thinking and pain and trauma all washing around in a cocktail of PMS hormones and I find it so difficult to find a kind and loving place for myself.

In the evening we finally began to connect again. We played a sexy WhatsApp chat game with each other (flip…he’s GOOD at that), and then moved into the logistics of our meetup on Friday night. And then I started sharing with him my yearning of having a profoundly deep sexual connection with him.

15/07/2015, 9:59 PM - RED: I would love to.   Not sure if I can at the moment.  Yesterday and today hit me hard.  Reality set in. I need to sort out my shit.   I want you around but I might not be able or capable of committing to the level you want.

15/07/2015, 10:00 PM - Trudy Green: Shew.  I really want to understand more about what happened

15/07/2015, 10:01 PM - Trudy Green: But I'm not asking for any commitment that you can't do

15/07/2015, 10:01 PM - Trudy Green: I know the year you're about to have

15/07/2015, 10:01 PM - Trudy Green: I know the risk I run is being your rebound or transition relationship

15/07/2015, 10:02 PM - Trudy Green: I'm fragile too.

15/07/2015, 10:02 PM - RED: Nothing new happened.  I just knew I had to tell my wife.   The realisation was that the dominoes would fall.   No more delaying or going back.

15/07/2015, 10:03 PM - Trudy Green: I think we will bring each other some joy and comfort in tough times

15/07/2015, 10:03 PM - Trudy Green: So a lot happened. Inside you

15/07/2015, 10:04 PM - RED: Yes, it’s good to have you around.  I might run when feeling overwhelmed or pushed into a corner.

15/07/2015, 10:04 PM - Trudy Green: I'll try not to push

15/07/2015, 10:06 PM - Trudy Green: Just be kind and honest with me please.

15/07/2015, 10:07 PM - RED: You’re happy to go down the Zambezi on a tomato box boat and take all the rapids as they come.  I will want to stop a lot and hold back.

15/07/2015, 10:09 PM - Trudy Green: If I trust the Zambezi. And the tomato box.

15/07/2015, 10:09 PM - Trudy Green: But I hear you

15/07/2015, 10:13 PM - Trudy Green: I'm serious about that honesty bit though, Red. I have been so deceived in the past few years that it has become my biggest fear. Of being gullible and trusting and being lied to. You feel like an honest man to me. Which is why I'm here. But if I'm lied to, I'll be gone.

15/07/2015, 10:13 PM - Trudy Green: I can deal anything so long as it's the truth

15/07/2015, 10:22 PM - RED: I like you a lot.  That's the truth.  Can I get in a boat and down a river at full speed and let the water take over. No. I want to stop and sit on the bank to see if I am doing the right thing.  I can't go down another river and make another mistake. You need to know this. So be aware that I could stop at a bank any time.

15/07/2015, 10:23 PM - Trudy Green: Makes sense Red

15/07/2015, 10:23 PM - Trudy Green: What would that look like for me?

15/07/2015, 10:26 PM - RED: You sensed it last night.  And gave me the space.  The challenge for you is not trying to force me back on the boat too quickly.  But you might get frustrated and give up on me.

15/07/2015, 10:27 PM - Trudy Green: Hmmm....You're right about the challenge for me

15/07/2015, 10:28 PM - Trudy Green: But if you are able to help me understand what's happening I should be able to play in the boat by myself for a while

15/07/2015, 10:29 PM - Trudy Green: I do want to be that girl who is cool with that. Your introverted stuff will always need solitary recharge time.

15/07/2015, 10:31 PM - Trudy Green: I have such an insatiable need to rush in and fix. It's a real labour of love to hold back.

15/07/2015, 10:31 PM - Trudy Green: For me I mean.  For me to hold back

15/07/2015, 10:32 PM - RED: I see that.  I appreciate it and need the help.  I though tend to push away if overwhelmed or pushed into a corner.

15/07/2015, 10:34 PM - Trudy Green: Ok. Try tell me if I push you there please

He seems like a really kind and emotionally mature and aware guy. And he’s telling me clearly and truthfully where he’s at. But even through that, I start to feel pushed away and rejected a bit. And I know he’s trying to tell me gently at some level to just move back a bit. That he is overwhelmed and needing space to sort himself out. And in my grownup space I get that. But so much of me is actually 5. And 5 year old me really doesn’t want to yield any space. Wants to rail against the gentle push away and crawl up into his lap and beg to be held and protected and cherished. And I need to hold her and protect her. And not try to give the baby away to him again. He’s probably the guy most likely to be able to hold the baby that I’ve met, but I’m trying to do it while he himself is hanging on by a thread while his life crumbles around him. I cannot push him to rescue me. Just stand near him and let us both support each other to the best of our abilities.

I tossed and turned all night, trying to distract myself from my spiraling thoughts and pain with podcasts that would take my mind into other places. But by the morning, I could feel a lot of pain and sadness creeping in around my edges. Old pain. Triggered by his need for space and distance. His healthy need to protect himself a bit with distance created my needy abandonment stuff. Sore. Hard. Natural. I forced myself to not contact him first thing in the morning. Leave him alone a bit. Give him the space to feel like he missed me enough to get in touch again.

Finally:

16/07/2015, 7:13 AM - RED: Morning you

16/07/2015, 7:14 AM - Trudy Green: Hey!

16/07/2015, 7:15 AM - RED: Hey

16/07/2015, 7:15 AM - Trudy Green: I'm struggling a bit this morn

16/07/2015, 7:16 AM - RED: Oh no.   What's up?  Sore, tired, other

16/07/2015, 7:16 AM - Trudy Green: No. Just our conversation last night

16/07/2015, 7:17 AM - Trudy Green: Hit a vulnerable button for me

16/07/2015, 7:17 AM - RED: Research shows, sky news, if you on your phone more than an hour a day,  then you are depressed.

(He’s not being an ass here: we’re just both typing simultaneously, as one does on WhatsApp sometimes. So there is a tough conversation and a playful one happening simultaneously)

16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: Now they talking about mindfulness

16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - Trudy Green: Oh. I'm only on, like, 16 hours. ...

16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: But to you.  What was the button.

16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: You 16x more depressed than the average woman

16/07/2015, 7:19 AM - Trudy Green: Feeling like I've shown too much. Been too much. Like I should have been more circumspect and careful in how I've engaged with you

16/07/2015, 7:19 AM - Trudy Green: My shit

16/07/2015, 7:19 AM - Trudy Green: Triggered by your shit

16/07/2015, 7:22 AM - RED: Apologies, did not mean to hurt you.   Want to chat or do you need space

16/07/2015, 7:22 AM - Trudy Green: Of course you didn't mean to

16/07/2015, 7:22 AM - Trudy Green: You just told your truth. I'm telling you mine

16/07/2015, 7:23 AM - Trudy Green: I'd love to chat. But on Friday. When we have time. And you can hold me. And I can hold you back

16/07/2015, 7:23 AM - Trudy Green: And I really really need you to hold me.

16/07/2015, 7:24 AM - Trudy Green: And such is my demon that even telling you that feels dangerous and hard. ..

16/07/2015, 7:24 AM - RED: That would be good

16/07/2015, 7:25 AM - RED: What is your main demon?

16/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: Fear of abandonment.

16/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: That's the headline

16/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: What's yours?

16/07/2015, 7:28 AM - RED: Withdrawing into my self

16/07/2015, 7:28 AM - Trudy Green: Which happens because of what fear?

16/07/2015, 7:29 AM - RED: Not sure, I need to figure this out.

16/07/2015, 7:30 AM - Trudy Green: Yup. I have the words because of my year of therapy. ....

16/07/2015, 7:30 AM - Trudy Green: I'm going to shower: family dispatched. ... House to myself for a bit

16/07/2015, 7:32 AM - Trudy Green: I'm going to try and manage myself kindly and bravely with this. I'm suddenly afraid. And afraid to say I'm afraid. My heart is very afraid of being broken again. And part of me wants to run like hell.

16/07/2015, 7:32 AM - RED: Should I come over and join you

16/07/2015, 7:33 AM - Trudy Green: Would love that

16/07/2015, 7:33 AM - Trudy Green: Although I have the tiniest shower in the world. ..

16/07/2015, 7:34 AM - RED: That's the best.   Just thinking about taking you up against the wall.

And so descends the conversation into playful sexiness again.

It’s night time now. The day is past and Red is out with his daughter for dinner. I tried to call him in the day. He didn’t take my call. He was out driving alone. But didn’t feel the need to call me. I must really try to find my peace about this. I met this man less than two weeks ago. We like each other. His marriage is crashing around him. I’m just in recovery. We’re not soul mates. Yet.

I’m lonely. And sad. I miss him terribly. But I also know that this missing is not about him. Once again I have found somewhere to place that childhood yearning for my absent dad. Abandonment. Loneliness that comes from a lifetime of being lonely. Yearning that comes from dealing stuff alone always. It’s natural. I must love myself better on this one. 

Back to the Lonely

I haven't been able to write for quite a while. Just not been able to sit in front of this page and find the words to tell myself my story. I told myself it's because I'm healing. And because I'm healing I don't have the compulsive need to get stuck in each and every day to unpack the myriad of things that are trawling through my brain.  Maybe it's a bit of that. And maybe it's also because I can't really get myself to tell myself the same things over and over again. Healing doesn't seem to happen in a straight line. It's more of a spiral...circling around and around, revisiting issues over and over again, albeit from a slightly different vantage point each time around again. And even though I do know this to be true, it still feels like failure to me to be at the same issue and dragging myself through it all yet again.

I'm so so sad today. I feel quite bereft. I have had a glorious week at the World Economic Forum with my new bosses learning and circulating and hunting for new potential clients. I've done well, I think. But now the 'post party' exhaustion has set in. Not to mention the PMT blues, and suddenly my emotional resilience feels spent and I'm low.

Three weeks ago I reconnected with my CEO man. Haven't heard from him at all since February and before that, our 'almost hookup' in Barcelona which didn't come to be because I wasn't ready. Meeting up with him again was thrilling. I suddenly got all of those butterfly things one is sometimes lucky enough to feel with someone and I just had the strongest sense that this was the time. That we were about to find each other on a whole other level and explore a beautiful relationship together. I let myself fall in love with him a little, I think - my shrink spotted it immediately when I was telling her about him the other day. I felt ready for him. And felt him ready for me.

So I did two quite drastic things. First, I broke it off with the Tasmanian. I could feel I wasn't being fair to him - we are sexually quite compatible but not really burning to be together. It wasn't fair for me to be in any sort of relationship with him when I was actually thinking that a relationship with the CEO may become a real possibility some time soon. He was sad, but not bereft. He had to acknowledge my point that neither of us was making much of an effort to create skin time together, which meant we were probably more friends (without benefits, mostly).

Then I had a real conversation with Mark. The CEO is one of his close friends, and I didn't want to do anything that he might feel weird about. In fact I even asked him if it was OK to tell the CEO about him if we got that close. Because it would feel dishonest if I was with the CEO and Mark at the same time and the CEO didn't know about Mark. Mark said it would be cool. He thought that me and the CEO together would actually be great and kind of gave me his blessing to go ahead.

And after those two quite uncharacteristic things for me, I felt like I'd done the grownup things I needed to do to pave the way for a slow seduction with the CEO. And I was determined to take it slow. I felt like I should leave him the space to hunt me and land me, like somehow his masculinity would need that, and that if I was too forward and aggressive, that may put him off. So I coached myself about taking things slowly, about savouring the tentative seduction and the time of not knowing, and aching to be with him. Mark and I chatted a few days later and he just dropped a hint that the CEO had said that he really liked me (hahaaaa...a bit like first grade wing man games). I was SO excited when I heard that - just confirmation that I was on the right track. At last. I let my heart open more, making more space for him to come in.

I did send him a couple of text messages over that time. And started noticing a worrying pattern. He was responding to my messages, but in an uncharacteristically reserved way. Not pushing the flirty angle or reciprocating my energy. I kept telling myself this wasn't a problem That he had been reticent before. That this wasn't completely unusual for him. That he's probably quite busy.

I have spent the week in Cape Town. and was supposed to work there on the weekend too. But suddenly my weekend work plans were cancelled and I had a free weekend in my house alone. I decided to take the bull by the horns and invite him to join me and sent him a short WhatsApp invitation.  I was super nervous to send it. I realised I was putting myself out there quite seriously, and the stakes felt quite high. But I did it anyway.

He read it within the hour. And didn't respond. Shew. I thought he must be thinking about it. Or trying to move his weekend plans around to try to make it happen. Late that night still no response from him. And nothing the next morning when I woke up. I went through the whole next day on tenterhooks, wondering what response he was going to send, with my heart sinking a little more every time I checked and rechecked my phone to see whether he had responded yet. But nothing. And nothing the next day or the day after that. My heart began to sink. Had I misread it? Had I chased him away by being too forward with my invitation? Friday was approaching and a small piece of me was wondering if he was just going to jump on a plane and arrive in Cape Town and surprise me. I was frantic on Friday afternoon when my cellphone battery started running low - what if he landed and couldn't reach me to find out where my place is?!

But of course there was no surprise arrival. There was just nothing. After a long and hard working week, I finally went home in the dark to my empty house in Hout Bay and poured myself a very long glass of wine and drank it down as fast as I could. I would have to face this pain by myself again and I just didn't want to feel it all alone like that for long. Got drunk fast and hit the sack.

Only then did it occur to me to check him out on Facebook. Crazy. I'm usually all over that side of checking out my potential dates. I found him fast. And found a very inactive Facebook page. Except for a new entry on the 25th May. He had changed his status to "In a Relationship". And Facebook adds this little heart icon after those searing words, just to rub it in a bit more. As if the words weren't enough to burn deep into my heart!

Fuck. After being single for a long time, my CEO had stepped into a relationship exactly 2 weeks ago. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. The glass of wine was not enough to numb the pain that came crashing through me in that moment. I could not believe that I had opened my very fragile heart yet again to a man not available to me. That I was going to hit yet another unrequited heartbreak wave.

There's a rule. Don't text drunk. NEVER TEXT DRUNK.

I texted.

"FK. Just saw your Facebook. You're in a relationship. I didn't know. Embarrassed. Sorry. Backing right off"

He read my message. Didn't respond. Fuck that hurt. An apology or some sort of explanation would have really been nice. I don't really know what he could have said, I suppose. I'm sure he was a bit embarrassed too - he had most definitely not told me about his relationship and had led me on a bit. Or had he? Had I just been projecting that from our previous time together? Did I make up our chemistry and attraction in my head? Did I imagine it because I wanted it to be true?

This all feels so terribly humiliating. Besides the heartache I'm also now seriously starting to doubt myself. Maybe I am actually just not the attractive and sexy woman I imagine myself to be. Maybe I actually don't have what it takes to attract the men that I think are in my league. Maybe I'm doing something that puts them off after a bit and actually all I'm good for are the Narcs and abusive assholes in this world who want me for the supply I can provide? I almost feel like asking Berlin or Mark for feedback about that, but I'm too afraid that they will tell me something I really don't want to know about myself. Something I can't change. Something that will rob me of my hope and confidence forever. What is wrong with me? Seriously. What is fucking wrong with me?

I have a meeting booked with him on Tuesday. Just the two of us. I am going to have to do something very grownup and professional to put us back on a strong business footing so we can get into the business relationship we are scoping out for ourselves. It's going to take a lot for me to 'man up' and just deal this straight. And see him while my heart is still feeling so fragile about him. Well, I managed with Berlin. I guess I'll manage again.

Fuck

I wish I didn't have to fucking manage all the time.

I so so crave being held and loved.

Still not to be. Still not time.

Treading Water

I'm back in Stellenbosch again. Flew in very briefly for a day conference and I'm now, once again, sitting in the gardens of a beautiful wine farm with a few minutes to spare and think and touch base with myself.

I have time because I got stood up for my lunch date. Well, sort of stood up. Bachelor number 2 is down here at the moment and we have had some playful back and forthing again about getting together. He's landed another job after being retrenched, and so I think seems to be more comfortable about engaging with me again. Although I'm not completely sure about that - we made a very firm date to get together today, and I even booked my flight out later in the evening to create some time to be with him and he bailed on me late yesterday afternoon anyway. Said things were just too pressured right now.  Maybe they are....?

And I get to this conference and here is Mark at the same conference - wasn't expecting to see him, and yet here he is. Nice to hang with him a bit but feeling a bit distant from him. We had a conversation a while ago where he talked of playing with other 'unavailable' women - I'm too available and the risk is a real relationship or something.....?  Agh. Fkn hate that. I'm keeping my distance and giving him space to sort out his marriage and he uses the opportunity to play with other chicks. Aaaagggghhhhhh. So stepping the hell backwards from that! My heart is too vulnerable for him. Need to keeeeep awaaaaayyy!

My Tasmanian is somehow at a distance from me too. We're in some kind of weird relationship where we have slept together twice and have some sort of understanding that we're lovers. But in that space he gets more and more distant and communicates less and less with me. His 'Acquisition Game' is clearly much better than his 'Retention Game'. He's not trying particularly hard to keep me. So I'm not trying particularly hard back. He disappears almost completely on weekends while he's with his live in partner, and I'm so not enjoying just hanging around the edges. I'm finding myself moving to seeing it as a connection of convenience, where I connect with him every now and then but am not giving myself any expectations that my heart and soul could be held in that place. Maybe I can play there a bit. Explore my sexuality in a mutually rewarding sexual space. But my heart? Nope. Not safe there. Only safe with me.

And how weird for me that is. That I'm allowing myself to be in this quite distant, yet physically intimate space with him. Because I didn't know I could do it like that. But it seems I can right now. So I am.

And Berlin and I continue to dance around each other, chatting daily on WhatsApp and just sharing the minutiae of our lives. Haven't seen him for more than a month and just living with that.

And I'm trying to just be OK with being in limbo. Trying to unlearn those not very useful patterns of getting all needy and sad around men, just aching for their masculine energy and trying to hook them in deeply to me so I can feel held. That's the stuff that made me vulnerable to Narc Mindfuckery and I'm determined to bullet proof myself against that kind of attack forever.

Sunday the 17th will be my 1 year anniversary of D-Day from John the Narc. The day I caught him cheating on me. The day my whole fking world crashed around my feet. I'm going to celebrate it by going to breakfast with the woman I caught him cheating with - Debbie. We'll both have a very private ceremony of escape from him. Only she and I will know really what that means. Sore. Still broken in places. Trying to put our lives back together.

Sigh. Longer road than I ever would have thought.

And that makes Nine (and a half?)

Free Spirit - Original Acrylic Painting 11x14 by Cherith Toillion: Pinterest

That would be Nine men I've slept with. In my life. Number Nine last night - the Tasmanian. And it was lovely. I had 'first time sex' with a man and it was like '10th time sex'. Felt like we were already comfortable lovers. What a relief. My instincts about the Tasmanian were spot on. We are very sexually compatible. The half bit would be Berlin - if we're counting near misses.

We had drinks. I had too much wine. And suddenly shagging him in the back of his minivan seemed like a wonderful idea!  Tacky? Maybe. Delicious? Most definitely. And it wasn't anything about the gymnastics of sex. Nor the performance of it. But more the connection of it. We both relaxed against each other, and were happy and lighthearted. And then when he put himself inside me I just felt all of him and it was beautiful. A rich, moving and connected orgasm that rocked me and took me onto another plain for a little while. Delicious!

I talked him through my objections to 'exclusivity'. I don't want to be alone so much and he won't be able to be present enough with me for me to be ok. And, of course, I shouldn't be trying to fill up all my empty bits with any man. But I have also spent too many weekends and nights as lonely as hell. And I don't feel up to being in another relationship that recreates that for me. I've just started the healing process of being free after almost a year of recovering from the fuckedupness of the Narcery I endured for 5 years. Of feeling desired and wanted. Of unleashing my own sexuality on the world. Confining it again so soon? I think that's not a good idea for me right now.

And when I told him gently I think he really got that. I asked him if he wanted me to 'map out my landscape' for him properly so he could understand what men are around me and how the relationships work. He said he didn't know if he wanted that - that he thought it may hurt him too much to know. And I thought I wouldn't want to know when he was being intimate with his partner - for the same reason. I told him I would answer any questions and tell him what ever he wanted to know. But that I wouldn't force that info on him. And that we could change the rules of disclosure whenever we wanted. It's a new way of being for both of us - I want to manage it as gently and respectfully as I can.

Am I becoming a bit of a 'slattern' in the face of this recovery period? Maybe I am. And a lot of people might judge me for this behaviour. But I'm actually quite proud of myself. I'm playing naughtily for the first time in my life and it feels terrific!! I was the ultimate obedient daughter, golden child. I needed to fit into my Narc mother's ideal of how to behave. I was the oldest. I was responsible and compliant. And the policer of the rules for all of us siblings. And up until recently I was just not a girl who plays easily - if I took my family to Disneyland, I would be the one holding the snacks and jerseys while the rest of the family goes on all the rides. I have always held back and been reluctant to actually participate in the life of my loved ones, and even my own.

So one of my girlfriends was admonishing me a bit today to be careful with my heart. To protect myself better. To be careful with my body. And even though she's right, I also want to be risky. And frisky. And playful. And sexy. And out out out there just having a shitload of fun for a bit.

And in the middle of that, I bumped into an ex-pupil of mine from when I was a teacher more than 20 years ago. There was some serious chemistry with this boy then, not acted upon. And today he was suddenly standing in front of me, sexy as all hell. And I had my own naughty thoughts about how brilliant it would be to consummate that chemistry now - all these years later. Chill everyone - I'm not acting on it as yet. It's just nice to entertain the thought. Because I'm free to do so.

And next month I'll find out whether I have a long life ahead or a short one. And I'll think then about how that plays out for me. But for now I'm just going to be free.

Really really free.

In pursuit of sex. Or love? And is pursuit the right thing anyway?

I had a beautiful weekend. With one of my Cape Town girlfriends. We stayed together in my house and got drunk together on wine. And laughed our heads off. And told each other our truths about where our lives are at. Although we've been mates for over 20 years, we're actually so much closer now, since my big crash, than ever before. Because I'm no longer scared to let my precious people in to my innermost thoughts. I am no longer hiding in my own shadows, ashamed of the real woman who lives there. It's a wonderfully freeing thing. And so very rich to be able to just talk and be, and know that you are loved.

And throughout the weekend I have also been engaged with my various lovers or prospective lovers. Or ex lovers. And by engaged I mean connecting with some. and mulling about others. Bush Man popped into my messenger system with a delicious naked selfie after months of silence. Asking if I still remember him. And feeling frisky, clearly, and asking me for some new naked pics because he's lost his old ones. I laughed. and complied. Because it was fun to feel desired and playful with him. and because, if truth be told, I was feeling needy and lonely - my Tasmanian had disappeared on me, and my old abandonment issues began to bubble to the surface. Playing with Bush Man for a few hours helped soothe that. And, true to form, Bush man was soon gone as quickly as he arrived. I know this is who he is. I miss him, but I know this is all I'll have of him and so I have peace with that - he told me it would be like this, and he's true to his word.

And I even sent a tame pic to Charlie Harper in my drunken state. He responded (!!) by calling me 'My Angel'. Really?  And said the pic was 'Stunning'. But nothing else. I was surprised he responded at all. But I'm not going to rise to the chasing bait now. If he wants me, he's going to have to come and try and get me. And depending on how hard he tries, I will consider my options and feelings then.

And the Tasmanian and I have been in contact a lot. A sexy, seductive engagement - far away from each other but still finding a way to be intimate. This pre-sex playing is great fun! He was also away from home, working in another town, and I only really had access to him late at night. But he was around a whole lot of drinking buddies and so, on a couple of evenings, just really disappeared on me, not really explaining his absence to me at the time. I really felt those abandonment things coming back at me thick and fast. All those wounds, old and new, can take a situation and twist it into the most horrible scenarios. He's drunk and shagging another chick. He's irritated with me and doesn't want to talk to me. He's over me already and now I'm just making a fool of myself by keeping in touch. I shouldn't have sent him that sexy pic because he'll  show his mates, or even worse, the chick he's shagging, and laugh at me. Or something. Uggh. Horrible horrible stuff.  MY stuff though. Not his.

So I tried to handle it in the most emotionally intelligent way possible. I told him I wasn't OK. That his absence hurt me. He got angry and grumpy and sarcastic a bit - so clearly I was making him feel blamed. He kept trying to push me to move on - didn't really feel happy with the discomfort of my sadness. And in the face of that I just kept on trying to explain that I wasn't blaming him. That I just do have these abandonment issues, and if he would be kind enough to manage my expectations about when he would be able to contact me, and when he couldn't, then I would manage my own feelings much more easily. I think he got it. And did try to do that more regularly after that, which I do appreciate. It's so nice when my man has compassion for how something makes me feel and does something to fix that.

We talked some more about his exclusivity need - where he needs me to be exclusive, although he won't be. I said 'No' again, and he's trying to push the issue, playfully telling me to inform the other 'dancers' that my dance card is full. But I'm still not biting. I'm not going to commit to that. At least not now. I'm free. I'm open. I'm learning new things with new people. and I still have no idea what the sex is going to be like between us. I'd love to know. Soon. Because I'm really craving that connected and beautiful sex that I haven't had for a long long time. Well, maybe a glimpse of it with Charlie, but very short lived!

I mulled about Bachelor number 1. And I sometimes think I should call him up and propose a casual sexual relationship. We're geographically incompatible. But maybe the sex would be lovely? Did I miss a trick there by moving on from him so fast to focus on Charlie Harper? And I pined a bit for Mark. Sent him some WhatsApps that he read but didn't respond to. Sigh.

So all of this flying about in my head. I feel an anxiety and an urgency about getting it settled. And maybe that's because of the backdrop of the pending doc appointment - am I fine or am I dying - maybe I don't have a lot of time left before my illness makes me no longer sexually desirable to anybody and I lose my chance at the sexual connection I'm craving forever. Or maybe it's my daddy issues screaming out loud and strong - hold me. Save me. Surround me. Make me feel safe. Protect me. Anybody. Please!!

So just letting it all be here, around me, without judgement. This is a tough road I'm walking. And I'm carrying many things that I'm trying to work through. I guess I still need to allow myself to misstep every now and then. Send that ill -advised message. Reveal too much of myself sometimes. Not respond in the perfect way.

Just be my own best friend on this road,

And get laid soon.

Showing up as Authentic Me

What a weird space I'm in right now. This limbo month of not really knowing what my health prognosis is for the future is a bit of a mindfuck. I'm living every single connection I have with people in a very raw and real way. It's exhausting!

This past weekend was full of lovely connections. I spent Saturday morning with a longtime mate who I began a friendship with in the working space. But over the past year we have settled into a much more intimate and connected relationship, talking in a very real way about our lives. I think the shift was me, no longer pretending I'm living the dream in my very sorted life, but rather showing up with my authentic, less than perfect, thoughtful and raw space, and just telling the truth about what I'm living. Which gives her the courage to respond in kind. And the result is so very satisfying for us both. Two women. Walking a brave journey. Sharing it in the moment for a bit. My whole body felt exhausted after that...I had to go and lie down for a few hours!

And then on to an afternoon with another dear mate. More connecting. More realness. More lovely. And then to an evening engagement party for another of my mates. And there was my whole tribe. And I took Berlin as my 'friend-without-benefits' date. Because I missed him and wanted to spend some time with him. And also, a little bit, to gently shock my friends, if I must confess. Show up with another man, not my husband, just to jolt them all into the reality of who I am now. This (scarlet?) woman who is out there, seeing other men, living her new reality of this open marriage.

Berlin was great company. Our 'near miss' intimate moment from a few weeks ago has resulted in a warm affectionate space for us, and it was just cozy and comfortable to be with him. Sitting close together, legs touching, but not having any intention of moving that along to something else. His arm loosely behind me on the couch. Nice. Comfortable. Easy.

By Sunday morning I was seriously finished, and spent most of the morning in bed, not even getting up for my cast-in-stone breakfast date with myself at Tasha's. I only dragged myself to the shower in the afternoon when it was time for me to have coffee with yet another girlfriend. Which was also real and lovely. Rich, nurturing girltime.

I didn't spend any time with my Tasmanian. Which I would have really struggled with, I think, had I not had such a really busy social schedule. On the one hand, of course, that's the key. Live a rich and full life of my own creation so I'm not pining away, lonely at home, waiting for Prince Charming to ride up and rescue my sorry ass from myself. On the other, it made me think very seriously about his desire to create an 'exclusive' relationship with me. Where he gets my undivided attention, and that of his live-in partner. And I get his divided attention, when he can find secret time for me. I want to be able to head off on weekends away with my lover. Connect when I need the connection. Invite him to be my partner at engagement parties. But this wouldn't be like that. I like this man, and would enjoy an intimate relationship with him. But going exclusive with him? Not sure I'm up for paying the lonely price for that. Not yet anyway. Maybe I'd feel differently if I fell madly in love with him. But at the moment we're just playful and connected. But not in love.

And then there's the issue of Charlie Harper. Who has not showed up again in any form. And I'm still nursing some sore heart and bruised ego about that. And grilling myself about being too needy and scaring him away. And imagining various 'you bastard' conversations I may have with him if I should ever bump into him again. But also, I need to look into the mirror and see myself about that again too. If he didn't see 'me' enough to want to be with me, then we should not be together. I mustn't try to be different from who I am to make myself more attractive to him, which is my temptation. If he can't enjoy sexy me, and manage needy me, then he shouldn't be allowed to come anywhere near me.

Tasmanian seems to be able to like me even though I have showed him sexy me and needy me. Bush Man too. And Berlin. Once he got over himself. And, I'm thinking, the more I have the courage to show up as completely myself, which some people will like, and some wont, I'll be sifting through the piles of people who should be with me, and those who shouldn't. Because, really, who wants to be with people who don't like the real me? Where I would need to twist myself like a pretzel before I'm accepted. Fuck that! I get the real concept of this, all of a sudden, but I am still working though it at an emotional level, I must confess. But I will keep at it.

I'm an interesting woman. Aware of her own shit. Loving. Good. Sexy. Playful. Real. Clever. I can create great happiness and joy with men who have the courage and balls to be with me in all my flavours. And who take the time to know me and enjoy me. Being that woman should be my goal. And filter out all the shit Charlie Harper types who don't have the courage or the depth to be able to enjoy a woman like me.

Hear me roar!