I'm so Fucking Lonely

I don’t really know what triggered it. Obviously all this emotional stuff with Berlin is hurting me. When I suddenly realise that I really feel a lot for him and he really just doesn’t for me – I guess that’s a big rejection and abandonment moment for me. So maybe that’s it. I don’t deal rejection and abandonment well. I had a beautiful dream about me and this boy in my secret heart, and now it’s ruined. And spread all over the pavement like a broken egg. And I’m so fucking sad about that. Because I’ve been alone for too long now. And I thought I had found someone who would love me. But I’m wrong about that. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I just got home to find my teenager didn’t go to school today. Because he was too tired from the survival camp he went on this weekend. And I crapped on him from a dizzy height because I thought he should have gone to school. And he slammed himself into his room. And he’s in such a fragile space right now that I am now miserable I crapped on him.

And then I went to my room and stared at the ceiling for a while. And I could feel myself starting to crumble. So I went into my son’s room and lay with him for a while. I couldn’t stop my own tears from falling and I just cried quietly into his pillow, although he didn’t know I was crying. And I realised that I am so fucking lonely. I need to be held by someone. Now. Today.

But there is nobody. I asked Berlin if he would see me. He blew me off – too much work. "Trudy Please.."begins his 'I'm too busy for you' message. Mark is buried in a business rescue project he’s busy with – no help there. My best mate in town has just started a new job and just can’t juggle that and single motherhood right now – she just doesn’t have time. And my CEO’s dad is dying, and he needs him much more than I do. And if anything HE needs ME. But he’s not reaching out either. And my Stellenbosch Banker? Well I can’t see myself reaching out to him to say I’m drowning – we don’t know each other well enough yet. And my Cape Town best mates? Both buried in work and not really even up to replying to my messages. And I don’t want WhatsApp conversations right now. I need a REAL PERSON who gives a shit about me to just HOLD me for a bit.

And I’ve suddenly realised that it’s been more than a month since I had a real live conversation with ANYBODY like that. I’ve been all over the world and I’ve been out there doing my thing. And being a businesswoman. And being a mom. And being a fearless traveller. And facilitating workshops. And even shagging a strange boy. But I’ve been all in my head about all of it. Stuck having conversations with myself, and abbreviated WhatsApp relationships with everyone I care about.

I NEED MY FRIENDS. And nobody is out there. And I feel so fucking lonely I could jump off a building right now.

I’m so fucking sad.

And all the stuff that I’ve learned about reaching out to my friends I JUST CAN’T DO RIGHT NOW.

I HATE how this feels inside me. My kids need me and I have NOTHING for them.

I have nothing for me.

Poor Trudy.

Poor sad, lonely Trudy.

OK. Not Completely Goodbye

So Berlin responded to my WhatsApps yesterday. And we had this conversation:

25 Jan 5:18 PM - Berlin: The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Especially after all you've been through. But obviously I'm doing just that. Again. So I'll just shut up now.

25 Jan 6:30 PM - Trudy: I know. I know. I am sore. But it's me. I know that. This isn't your's.  It's mine.

25 Jan 6:33 PM - Trudy: I'm clearly still a lot more fked up than I realise. Humiliating. 😞

26 Jan 5:48 AM - Trudy: But don't stress. I'll take a few weeks out to get myself into a safer place. And I'll be back when I know I can be friends with you without complicating it like this.

26 Jan 5:48 AM - Trudy: Until then. .. I'll see you at meetings etc I guess.

26 Jan 5:49 AM - Trudy: Sorry Berlin.

26 Jan 8:59 AM - Berlin: No Trudy. I'd miss you if you disappear for weeks. You've become a very important and close friend and you know things about me that nobody else knows! And I'd miss those smarty pants comments about poisoning my body a.s.o... I'd love to have a glass of wine with you (although I usually have three when you have one...) But if you have difficulties to just be good friends... Can't you just switch that one feeling off so we can be buddies?

Ugh. I wish it was that simple. Already I'm reading this and thinking - Wine? YES! He'll get tipsy and realize he's actually in love with me and kiss me, and it will all be OK. How fucked up am I really???  Really really? Geez. So I can't say yes under those false pretenses. I need to be truthful. With him. With myself. And the truth is, I don't know if it's possible. I want it to be, so I can see him more. But that doesn't solve anything for my heart. I'll just keep hoping he'll change his mind, won't I?

26 Jan 11:29 AM - Trudy: Honestly?  I have no idea.

26 Jan 11:31 AM - Trudy: I have such a strong sense of you and me being together that when you say that's not happening I feel genuinely confused.

26 Jan 11:33 AM - Trudy: So I don't even know what to switch off about that.

26 Jan 11:35 AM - Trudy: And when you say we'll go out for wine I just get excited that we'll be together and you'll realise what I already know to be true.

26 Jan 11:35 AM - Trudy: And I don't know how to switch that off either

26 Jan 11:39 AM - Trudy: I didn't really buy your butterflies story.  Because I've said to myself that nobody can be sure until they've connected properly whether there is something between them. And you decided before you met me and I was headed into my darkest night ever. So how would you know? You fell in love with a phantom woman who designed every conversation to make that happen worth you. You didn't know for sure

26 Jan 11:39 AM - Trudy: And turn that back on me: I've met you twice in my entire life. So what makes me so fkn sure?

26 Jan 11:40 AM - Trudy: And the answer is: I just don't know.

26 Jan 11:41 AM - Trudy: And all of this is driving me crazy in my head. And my heart is so sore

26 Jan 11:41 AM - Trudy: And I have no idea how much of that is just pure projection and magical thinking on my part.

26 Jan 11:43 AM - Trudy: I need to see my shrink to help me unjumble all of this

26 Jan 11:43 AM - Trudy: Sigh

26 Jan 11:47 AM - Trudy: Sorry this is so intense.  I feel embarrassed about revealing this to you. But I need to be honest at the same time. Aaaggghhhh

I have no idea what happens next. He read some of my response. But hasn't replied for a few hours. He's thinking about it. Or too busy. Or something.

Goodbye Berlin

Ow ow owwww.... VERY sore heart. I completely misread it with Berlin and now we're done. And I'm feeling so sad. And not a little bit humiliated also.

Berlin and I have been talking on WhatsApp. Every day. Keeping in touch with each other. After his whole 'online love scam' story we've gotten pretty close, and have walked next to each other through all our daily events. Just a nice virtual comfortable companionship. Remember that during the whole love scam unraveling, we had a pretty straight talk about what had happened all those months ago and that he wasn't really feeling it with me. And we settled on 'friends'.

So what made me think we could be more than friends? They way I felt, I guess. I thought he'd get past his infatuation with the scam girl, and that he and I would find our happy place together again. And that we would get closer and closer until we got together, like we'd wanted to all those months ago.  And another part of me thought that was probably never going to happen so tried to keep me 'in play' with my other boys - the CEO, the Banker, the Fund manager, and the Bush Man fling from last week.

But the romantic in me won over the cynic about a week ago when Berlin gave me a 'kiss' over WhatsApp:

21 Jan 9:10 PM - Trudy: How's your bath?

21 Jan 9:20 PM - Berlin: Not entered yet... but now now... Eyelids dropping...

21 Jan 9:20 PM - Trudy: Mine too

21 Jan 9:20 PM - Trudy: Meds kicking in

21 Jan 9:20 PM - Berlin:: Can I give you a good night kiss?

21 Jan 9:21 PM - Trudy: That would be just lovely.  Yes☺

21 Jan 9:22 PM - Berlin: Gentle one with a hug!

21 Jan 9:22 PM - Berlin: 😘(kiss pic)

21 Jan 9:22 PM - Trudy: 😘Nice

21 Jan 9:22 PM - Trudy: Night Berlin

21 Jan 9:23 PM - Berlin: Night Trudy😉

Wow. My  heart just melted. "He's coming back," I thought.

But after this moment, he started pulling away again. Not responding to my messages for hours, if at all. Clearly active on Facebook messenger, but not with me. Who then? I tried not to think about it. And forced myself to stop torturing myself with seeing his phone activity with other people - probably work or something, I told myself.

And we were set to meet up this weekend. It's been a month since we saw each other before I went overseas. And as I got back, so he was away, working and family time things. So this was The Weekend. We were going out for wine together. I have been counting the sleeps. And feeling such a sense of excited anticipation - just knowing at some level that this is the moment that our relationship will move to Another Level. Maybe he'll kiss me in real life. Maybe we'll just talk and touch and connect with each other at a deeper level. But I was just so sure this would be it.

Then Friday he was too busy. And suddenly on Saturday he was attending a braai. And finally, today, I wasn't getting much out of him about committing to a time. My head kept telling me to let it go. To leave it to him to make a time. To not chase him about it. But my heart was so very eager to see him. And, heart wins against head most times. So I messaged him.

25 Jan 12:03 PM - Trudy: {Photo of my online bank error message]

25 Jan 12:03 PM - Trudy: And suddenly my tax work grinds to an unexpected halt due to unforeseen circumstances

25 Jan 12:03 PM - Trudy: When is wine???? 

25 Jan 12:18 PM - Berlin: Ah, so you're also with those gangsters... Right now I'm lying by the pool and feeling veeeery lazy... 

25 Jan 12:19 PM - Trudy: You're not allowed to be too lazy to see me! 

25 Jan 12:41 PM - Berlin: Aaah.... let's see... 

25 Jan 1:15 PM - Berlin: Don't be grumpy with me... Just a lazy bone on a sunny Sunday... Maybe I'll wake up a little later... 

Ouch! Ouch ouch! WTF??  I'm in this huge excited anticipation space, and he might think about seeing me if he wakes up later? I suddenly felt so very discarded and disrespected. What happened to our plan? Wasn't he as excited as me to be together? Ugh. "He's just not that into you" suddenly started ringing in my ears. Ugh. No. Really???

I was tempted to just swallow the sore stuff and wait for him to wake up. And ask me out. But I knew that would be a bad move. I had a similar thing early on with John-the-Narc where I just swallowed my pain when he dropped me for a date at the last minute, and look where it got me!

So I decided to go for the brutally honest (albeit humiliating) approach. I told him how I was feeling:

25 Jan 1:32 PM - Trudy: Shew Berlin. I don't like how this makes me feel.  We're obviously in different places. I've really been looking forward to being with you a lot. And I think you're half hearted about it.

 And I'm confused. You 'kissed' me goodnight a few days ago. And then started pulling away from me again ever since.

 And it's ok that you're in a different place to me. I'm not blaming you.  I'm just saying that I don't think I'm capable of being in a yoyo place with you.

 I guess I do want more from this relationship than you do. And if that's the case then I need to take 10 steps back. Because it makes me too vulnerable with you. I keep feeling like we're on the edge of something delicious,  only to feel pushed away again. Ugh. It's like being 16 again. I just can't. It's too sore.

Wow. Hard to brave like this. Much easier to be breezy and pretend it really doesn't matter to me one way or the other. But it does. And if he can't handle that, then I guess it's better that I know about it sooner rather than later.

I got the sooner.

25 Jan 2:09 PM - Berlin: Trudy I'm baffled now... I thought we've been there already and we spoke about everything and cleared things... Now it seems we're back to square one... I'm honestly puzzled! Thought we were friends! Last week you tell me about how you got laid the way good friends that share secrets talk to each other and now this? 😳 All I said was that I'm relaxing a bit by the pool and after a seriously hectic week I don't see anything wrong with that on a Sunday afternoon... I'm sorry if you had any great expectations! Didn't realize what was happening in your mind after we spoke openly about everything quite a few weeks ago. Maybe it's better if I withdraw. It's probably better not to do business with each other under these circumstances too.

OK. That's it then. I was smoking my socks about him.  SO SO SORE! I guess I just have to spend a while getting over that now then. Ouch.

I sent my final response to him:

25 Jan 2:13 PM - Trudy: I'm a confused girl.

25 Jan 2:14 PM - Trudy: And it's not your fault.

25 Jan 2:14 PM - Trudy: I'm really saying it is just too hard for me. I know you were clear with me

25 Jan 2:15 PM - Trudy: I just also felt like i was getting mixed signals from you. But easily misinterpreted by me

25 Jan 2:15 PM - Trudy: Please don't be angry

25 Jan 2:16 PM - Trudy: And no need to withdraw from business space

25 Jan 2:19 PM - Trudy: I'm sore.  And sad.  And lonely. And far too susceptible to anyone who gets too close. I guess you really got under my skin all those months ago and I didn't ever really manage to shake that little hope that we would somehow find a place to be together.

25 Jan 2:19 PM - Trudy: Not your fault

25 Jan 2:19 PM - Trudy: Not your problem

25 Jan 2:19 PM - Trudy: My bad.

25 Jan 2:31 PM - Trudy: And of course there's nothing wrong with needing to collapse in a Sunday afternoon after such a hectic week.

It just made me realise how much we are in different places. I've been counting sleeps until I see you again and I would have moved heaven and earth to make sure that happened this weekend. And you were in much more of a 'ja whatever. .. I'm tired. Maybe we see each other,  maybe we don't'.

It was a shock to me. But made me wake up about the lalaland I'm living in.

So now I'm just nursing my poor heart again. I must be honest with myself - a part of me has loved him since we first found each other all those months ago. And I never lost my hope that we would be together at some stage. Like I was saying the other day - I think I believed I could 'Earn' my way into receiving love from him in return. Even now, in the face of very clear evidence to the contrary, I still think a part of me doesn't want to believe his response. But I must. I really must. I need to work through this very sore place now, and feel it all. And move on, putting my energy into people who do see a chance for me. Who want to be with me. As much as I want to be with them. And to stop chasing after rainbows.

I'm a good person. I deserve to be loved. And wanted. And cared for.

Don't I?

Coming back from the Edge

I have just come out of my monthly Management Meeting. We were looking at the final recon for our horribly hard 2014 year - the year in which, after 18 years of business, we thought we would be closing down.

In preparing the final graphs for the presentation I suddenly had a real look at the picture that was emerging: when we were at our lowest point we were making a loss of almost 4 million! That felt like an impossible place to return from! John the Narc was telling me that there was absolutely no hope and that closing or selling was my only option. But the company was so worthless, in his opinion, that anybody would be crazy to buy it. And that he was offering to buy it from me only because he loved me so much and this was the way he could 'do the right thing' by me and save me.

Holy crap! I bought so much of that! I felt like such a failure, and I lost all my hope and fighting spirit. And my body just crumbled underneath me and I succumbed. I had nothing left in me to take it forward. I was so grateful when the new international company came in and offered to buy me because it felt like a complete lifeline - and that this was the only way I was going to save myself and my family and the employees and suppliers of my company. Somehow, even in my collapsed and broken state, my survivor voice was screaming at me to NOT sell to John. That I would be condemning myself and my team to endless pain if I did.  Thank heaven I chose the international company.

AND. Thank heavens it's taken them so long to move and actually officially buy my company. Because what happened while I've been waiting for the final transaction to come to be, is that we rescued ourselves! We pulled this crippled and broken company back from the edge just as I was doing the same for my poor heart and body and soul. We have a recovery curve on our profit/loss line that starts at a 4 million loss and ends, in December, at a loss that's less than 1 million! We recovered 3 million in just over 4 months!! And a 1 million loss is a much easier place for us to come back from! So even if, for some reason, the international guys suddenly left the table, we would still be able to survive, and then thrive, on our own.

And so I'm walking into this new international partnership with an intact business. My head held high. And the personal satisfaction of having walked next to this turnaround. I know I can't take full credit for it - I was off for a lot of that part of last year. I know my execs had to step up and deliver while I was recuperating. And even when I finally came back to work - I was more of a figurehead than an engaged and performing party. But I set up this team. I took the very hard decisions about cutting costs, retrenching people, and firing John-the-Narc. The results are playing out for themselves. And just by taking John on, facing him in court, and gearing up for the next round which I'm sure will come soon, I'm warrior woman - fighting to protect myself. My Team. My Family. And my Legacy.

On Earning Love

The phrase just jumped out at me. I was reading a blog on the Lisaescott.com website yesterday afternoon and I saw the line and realised it was for me. I totally believe, at some fundamental level, that love is something earned, not something just given. And. Holy fuck. I have just spent 47 years believing this and never actually realised that before. Although I only believe it when it comes to me - I believe that I have to earn love. I give it away freely. But I believe I have to work to earn it. Like I can only receive love in exchange for something.

I guess it's what they call a FOO issue - a Family Of Origin problem. My Narcissistic mother would have taught me somehow that love is handed out under certain conditions and those criteria need meeting before 'love' is given. Or something.

I'm trying to think through how that relates to how hard I seem to be working to win the love of the various boys I'm chatting to. I've thought about that part before - I'm thinking so hard about how they need me to be for them, that I don't often ask myself whether I actually want them to be with me. Whether they are, in fact, making me feel the way I want to feel. I think I may very well be chasing that elusive and conditional love thing and constantly trying to figure out what that might be.

Which is why my Bush Man experience came as such as surprise to me the other day. He just wanted me. I didn't do anything to try to 'reel him in' He was there. And he just really enjoyed me for who I was in that moment. He wasn't gushy and effusive. Or swaggery. I DIDN'T WORK HARD. He came to me. I loved it.

Is that the recipe?

I read SUCH an interesting article via Facebook the other day - the New York Times - To Fall in Love with Anyone Do This. Wow! Read the full article, AND the links to the questions. Simply put, scientists have been able to make people fall in love in a laboratory (some even GOT MARRIED), by simply putting them through a series of 36 questions they ask and answer for each other. The questions are designed to deepen intimacy and reveal vulnerable thoughts and feelings. Then at the end of the questions the couple is to stare deeply into each others' eyes for 4 minutes. That's it. Questions plus staring!

I am a person who wades into those intimate conversations quickly and fearlessly with everyone. I have been very successful in Sales over the years because I quickly build a connected rapport with the people I meet. I know they feel I 'get them' really fast. I think it's my superpower. But now that I come to think of it, a lot of it is about me raising the intimacy bar fast - I ask them similar questions about themselves. I respond with intimate revelations of my own. We soon connect in a way that makes us feel like partners on a journey rather than supplier and client. And many people in my team follow a similar course - we create intimacy with our clients.

So I'm good at that. But it can have a dysfunctional layer too. In 'dating' contexts, I'm out there, sharing myself freely. Opening myself up to whoever I'm with. This makes me Narc fodder. They LOVE being with people like me - who work our asses off for the scraps of love we're handed in return. Very little makes us happy - we have to earn it after all!

Couple that with the fact that I somehow feel the need to 'earn' the love I'm going to hopefully get, and I'm a complete maniacal love giving machine. I guess I could be coming on much too strong for many people's tastes. I've definitely seen Berlin, Mark and Stellenbosch Boy back off when I suddenly get too open - they are unable to naturally respond with reciprocal intimacy. I find that quite hurtful actually... I put myself out there, in a vulnerable way, and experience a pulling away, a rejection, in return. I feel a bit lost after one of those - I try to rationalise that it was me - I was too much. I need to tone myself down a bit. I need to be less of me. But that's crap, isn't it. I mean, really, surely I should be allowed to just be me and loved for that. Those who can't should really move on, or I should move on.

Sigh

I should move on. But I don't. I'm still hoping one of them will step in and love me, I guess. Which is probably a magical thinking fantasy that isn't going to happen.

So then? Be open to possibilities for now, I guess.

And keep holding myself safe through it all.

Open Marriage and Looming Shadows

Suddenly home felt like a different place last night. Just the two little boys were home with my husband and me, and we settled in the lounge to eat dinner together. There's still no TV as Husband hasn't had the time to reconnect the satellite dish and all, so just chatting to each other over supper is an easy thing to do suddenly.

And the boys took us into deep and thoughtful conversations. They were analyzing how their relationship with their big brother is changing now that he's permanently back from University - how he was the sparkly hero to them, but now they're realising he's actually just human, and not always a nice person either, like anyone. My youngest was thinking through how he might approach my oldest about the way he sometimes laughs at him in a way that makes him feel humiliated, and also how he sometimes guilts him into stuff. Ag, the content of the conversation is less important than the spirit of it, though: my little family, sitting together and connecting in a safe and loving place. Both parents involved and supporting the conversation like a well practiced team, enjoying together watching our kids grow.

It was suddenly the moment where I could see that my hope of this Open Marriage - living together and raising our family as a team - suddenly seemed like it might work. Months of bitterness and anger and pure fucking misery behind us. And suddenly, peace. Co-creation.Collaboration. Kindness. Love.

Then we moved to the diningroom table to cover schoolbooks together. Cutting plastic. Stocking up on sticky tape strips. Chatting and laughing together. More comfortable and happy family space. After the boys left us and headed for bed, Husband and I finished off the last of the schoolbooks alone together. Then we got into a gentle conversation - he was asking me about the boys I'm meeting, whether there's anyone serious on the horizon. I told him not really. Told him about Berlin. My Bush Man fling of last week. A couple of the others I'm chatting to but not really going anywhere with. We talked of the marriages that many of these men of mine are in. Respectful and supportive, like ours, but no longer sexual, like ours. So many of them haven't had intimate sex with their wives for years. But, not like ours, nobody is talking about it. They're living in secrets.

Then hubby mentioned to me he'd seen the specialist he was sent to last year earlier yesterday. The results from his liver function tests are not good. He has more tests today, and a CAT scan on Friday. We both went quiet. His dad died of pancreatic cancer at the early age of 54. Hubby is 48. We've already walked a horrible road of potential terminal illness with him in 2009.

So now we wait. Till Friday. To see if there's another tough chapter looming for us.

Is this PMT or am I not keeping my Shit together again?

As of yesterday I'm no longer in that happy, post-coital bliss space where nobody can touch me. I'm actually feeling a bit lost and lonely again. I'm trying to tell myself to hold on a few days - I'm naturally exhausted after a full month on the road and 3 different countries, new job, and lack of sleep. I should be forgiving myself for not being in the most buoyant of moods. But things are under my skin anyway, and I'm just PISSED OFF!

I've moved back home with my husband and children. I see my motorbike helmet and jacket are nowhere to be found. Which means my husband has left them at girlfriend's house. Without fucking asking me. After I told him before it pisses me off! I have met a lot of men who have bikes. One of them will ask me for a ride soon. Then I'll want my stuff and I'll get it back smelling like HER! And even though I like her, its NOT the POINT. It's MY shit. And I WANT it! It's BAD ENOUGH he comes home reeking of her.

And I think the least my conference shag, Bush Man, could do, is find me on Facebook and send me a thankyou for a delicious couple of days... suddenly the silence is deafening! And even though I don't mind whether I see him again or not, just some sort of little connect would be the gentlemanly thing to do, right?

And then there's Berlin. I'm so fucking conflicted about Berlin I could scream! He's in. He's out. Hot. Cold. I know he told me he feels no 'butterflies' with me. I suppose in his mind we're now mates, and that's it. And somewhere in my mind I'm still nursing that little hope that there is more to us, and that he'll see that soon. So this 'hope' part is completely in my head. I know that. And because of that I expect all sorts of stuff from him that isn't forthcoming. And then I just get pissed at him. I want more from him. He's right. I do. And I can't figure whether that's because I'm lonely, or because I'm sure he's real relationship potential for me. All those feelings just sit in the same spot and I'm not filtering them well. For now, I think, I am just backing off on the text message relationship we have where he sends me one message and I respond with 10! He's busy too. But I don't believe busy is a good enough reason to not connect. Like my little 'he's just not that into you' collection of sayings on Pinterest remind me, if he wanted to be a part of my life, he would work his ass off to make that happen! 

So I'm pissed off. Back at the office for the first time in over a month. Starting the day with a speeding fine that's come in for John-the-Narc off the car that he's driving that is STILL IN MY NAME!

Ugh. I really hope a lot of this is PMT. Because I would hate to have to face the fact that THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE!