Have I done it again? Online fkn Dating SUCKS!!

Uuuuugh! I'm here again. Sore and fucking sad. And premenstrual. And I let my heart run away with me again and feel lost again!

Bachelor Number 2. I've been pining for him all week, working in Cape Town. And we've been in touch. Playful sexy. Fun. Looking forward to this weekend. We chatted on the phone. Made plans for coffee today and even moved out coffee with a girlfriend to make space with him. And he was suddenly 'out with his son'. No apology. No let's make another plan. Just out.

So I couldn't help myself. I went straight onto Ashley Madison and checked out when he'd last been online. Within the past hour. So while I'm really hoping there's something here for us, he's still out there hunting. Again. Just feels like Berlin all over again.

I'm second guessing myself. Do I have some weird expectation that when people say 'lets meet for coffee on Saturday', that they mean it? Am I missing a social beat about that? It's happened too many times with too many people. And every time it happens to me, it hurts like fucking hell!

I like this man SO MUCH. And have been counting the minutes till I see him again. And now, when that moment is about to come... I'm not seeing him at all. Just sitting here, alone in my house, wondering again what the fuck is wrong with me that this keeps on happening.

And I'm imagining all sorts of conversations in my head with him. All of them just redundant.

I. Feel. SO. FUCKING. SAD.