And that makes Nine (and a half?)

Free Spirit - Original Acrylic Painting 11x14 by Cherith Toillion: Pinterest

That would be Nine men I've slept with. In my life. Number Nine last night - the Tasmanian. And it was lovely. I had 'first time sex' with a man and it was like '10th time sex'. Felt like we were already comfortable lovers. What a relief. My instincts about the Tasmanian were spot on. We are very sexually compatible. The half bit would be Berlin - if we're counting near misses.

We had drinks. I had too much wine. And suddenly shagging him in the back of his minivan seemed like a wonderful idea!  Tacky? Maybe. Delicious? Most definitely. And it wasn't anything about the gymnastics of sex. Nor the performance of it. But more the connection of it. We both relaxed against each other, and were happy and lighthearted. And then when he put himself inside me I just felt all of him and it was beautiful. A rich, moving and connected orgasm that rocked me and took me onto another plain for a little while. Delicious!

I talked him through my objections to 'exclusivity'. I don't want to be alone so much and he won't be able to be present enough with me for me to be ok. And, of course, I shouldn't be trying to fill up all my empty bits with any man. But I have also spent too many weekends and nights as lonely as hell. And I don't feel up to being in another relationship that recreates that for me. I've just started the healing process of being free after almost a year of recovering from the fuckedupness of the Narcery I endured for 5 years. Of feeling desired and wanted. Of unleashing my own sexuality on the world. Confining it again so soon? I think that's not a good idea for me right now.

And when I told him gently I think he really got that. I asked him if he wanted me to 'map out my landscape' for him properly so he could understand what men are around me and how the relationships work. He said he didn't know if he wanted that - that he thought it may hurt him too much to know. And I thought I wouldn't want to know when he was being intimate with his partner - for the same reason. I told him I would answer any questions and tell him what ever he wanted to know. But that I wouldn't force that info on him. And that we could change the rules of disclosure whenever we wanted. It's a new way of being for both of us - I want to manage it as gently and respectfully as I can.

Am I becoming a bit of a 'slattern' in the face of this recovery period? Maybe I am. And a lot of people might judge me for this behaviour. But I'm actually quite proud of myself. I'm playing naughtily for the first time in my life and it feels terrific!! I was the ultimate obedient daughter, golden child. I needed to fit into my Narc mother's ideal of how to behave. I was the oldest. I was responsible and compliant. And the policer of the rules for all of us siblings. And up until recently I was just not a girl who plays easily - if I took my family to Disneyland, I would be the one holding the snacks and jerseys while the rest of the family goes on all the rides. I have always held back and been reluctant to actually participate in the life of my loved ones, and even my own.

So one of my girlfriends was admonishing me a bit today to be careful with my heart. To protect myself better. To be careful with my body. And even though she's right, I also want to be risky. And frisky. And playful. And sexy. And out out out there just having a shitload of fun for a bit.

And in the middle of that, I bumped into an ex-pupil of mine from when I was a teacher more than 20 years ago. There was some serious chemistry with this boy then, not acted upon. And today he was suddenly standing in front of me, sexy as all hell. And I had my own naughty thoughts about how brilliant it would be to consummate that chemistry now - all these years later. Chill everyone - I'm not acting on it as yet. It's just nice to entertain the thought. Because I'm free to do so.

And next month I'll find out whether I have a long life ahead or a short one. And I'll think then about how that plays out for me. But for now I'm just going to be free.

Really really free.