The Narc Strikes Again

Not me this time! At least.

But I got a weird phone call last week from someone asking me if John-the-Narc had indeed been a director of my company last year. I was instantly suspicious. Some stranger calling in to ask about John could easily have been planted by John, and I want absolutely nothing to do with him, ever again!

But it turned out to be another small business owner who has had John working in his company for the past 6 months. And pretty much the same thing that happened to me, happened to him. I'm not going to put the details here on this blog because I do live in fear that John will try and stalk me again at some stage and may find his way here, and I don't want to incur even more abuse from him than I've already endured. But the short story is again one of horrible psychological abuse and battery, weaseling himself (and his ex-wife) onto the payroll, and money that goes missing. I feel so sorry for these people. Even though they only endured 6 months of what I bore for 5 years, they're still pretty cut up. And bent on revenge.

So he's back with his ex-wife. Sort of. Not living with her, but definitely sleeping with her: controlling her with sex, which we can tell from his emails. It's the typical Narc strategy, of course, heading back to old supply and using them for while as a financial base before they head off on their next conquest. Or, of course, running parallel conquests. He's going to destroy her soon too - this latest fraud of his will most likely mean she'll lose her licence to practice as a psychologist. Stupid woman. Or battered and abused woman. Like me. I can't tell. She has been telling these people that I am an evil woman, and that I am single-handedly responsible for breaking up their marriage. She's a Narc too, I think. So I have no idea whether these things spew from her because she loves making up her own stories about what a victim she is, or whether he has filled her head with lies to make him look good and me look bad. Fact is that he walked into my company exactly one month after she discovered that he was having another affair with another woman. And has been cheating on her AND me with other women too, like Debbie. Who she doesn't know about yet. But somehow she can also make it my fault. Whatever.

How do I feel about him sleeping with his wife again? Irritated. Irritated that she buckled and took him back and allowed him to get some more Narc supply from her. She's a shrink herself. And should know better. But, not my story. I'm not sad. And actually I'd rather not know anything about him any more, because the moment I hear new bits of information, which have been coming at me fast and furious this week, I just feel angry. And quite impotent. So many things he's told his new 'employers' about me which are just horrible and unnecessary and unkind lies. And so damaging to my reputation in a way that is completely unfounded. And he's told them often how he wants to take me down. Send out damaging emails that destroy me, my family, my reputation and my company. And, short of taking him on in court to fight for money I will probably never see, even if I get a court judgement against him, there isn't really an effective vehicle for me to fix this balance of 'victimness'. Except, of course, supporting these new people in their lawsuit. Which I will most definitely do. And stand on the sidelines and cheer while I watch them take him down!

I keep imagining showdowns with him, where a few of my favourite men and I show up and surround him, and threaten him. And they rough him up a bit. And hold him still so I can punch and kick him until I have my fill. And then they tell him that if ANYTHING ever happens to me or anyone in my family, or business, they will be back to finish the job, no matter how long it takes. Some of my special men have already offered to do just that for me. I've declined their offers so far...

But these revenge fantasies actually just put me in a negative and sad frame of mind - they don't really help me recover, or move away from the situation. Somehow they keep me connected and feeding into it. Or off it. Or something. I know the very best thing for me is to close down those thoughts every time I enter my head. And replace them with happier things. So I've resolved to do that as from today. No more long simulated conversations with him or his horrible ex wife. No defending myself to them, even in my imagination. Just more of an ongoing 'banishing' process where I continue to shed them and their sordid bullshit from my life!

I've lost 3kg in the past week. And my appetite is almost non existent. I have no idea whether that's because of the deep emotional upheaval that must be stirred up at a time like this, or whether it's because, at the same time, I'm falling a little bit in love with Charlie. Well, in crush, rather, for now. Both of those things could easily make the appetite disappear. And how wonderful for me that Charlie has appeared right at this time. If I was completely alone, with no happy prospects on the horizon, I might have found this New Discovery week incredibly hard to survive. But Charlie has most definitely buffered me through the week and, even if that turns out to be the sole purpose of him in my life, even that is enough.

How interesting, these things that make us resilient!

...and then just maybe, Online Dating has found me my New Lover...?

So my day picked up a lot from yesterday's miserable beginning. It's time to give Bachelor #2 a name, because it seems like he will become someone special to me. I'm going to call him Charlie.

I think Charlie must have forgotten about our Saturday morning planning conversation. He checked in with me cheerfully later in the day and didn't seem self conscious or backing off me in any way at all. So I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt (do I do that too much for people?). And we set up drinks at his place instead. Well...not really his place....actually the clubhouse on the housing estate where he lives - one of the most exclusive in Johannesburg, and the furthest from my home as humanly possible in one city!

He's a single dad. His 13 year old son lives with him, and sees mom every alternate weekend. So this was dad's weekend, so he wasn't going to be able to be out and leave his son alone. But being nearby at the clubhouse with me would be ok - he left his boy playing Playstation games at home.  And I had planned to go out dancing with a mate of mine, but decided to pop by for that drink with Charlie first. More than anything I needed to check whether our spark from last week was really a thing, and still there a week later. Before I lost even more of my heart to a fantasy that didn't exist.

And it is. It really is. He greeted me with a gentle and deep kiss on the staircase to the entrance of the clubhouse. And then we went to a table on the balcony and ordered wine. And talked and talked. And kissed and kissed. And touched each other tentatively on the arm. Leg. Face. A cautious and gentle seduction that was delicious in it's slowness. And the knowing that we were not going home to bed was making it all the more tantalizing. It was going to be just this. In this public place in his village. The beginning of a beautiful connection?

It's his birthday today. I know it was too early to buy him a gift that would be 'significant' - 1 week in from our first date. But I did want to find a light way to acknowledge this new special thing. And shopping for him is quite an intimidating thing actually - he's so wealthy - he could buy himself the very best of anything he wanted. So it had to be clever. and not expensive. And yet somehow meaningful in a light, not needy way. Scarf? No. Book? No idea what he's read, and he reads a lot. Bookmark? Hmmmmm..... No. Romantic or sexy birthday card? Yes? No. Gosh...I amused myself for a few hours trying to decide.

And then I headed into a gadget shop and found this Magnet Girl fridge keyholder thing (in the pic above). Perfect! Not expensive, and lends itself to all sorts of playful metaphors. And stays on the fridge as an ongoing reminder of those metaphors. So I wrapped it up nicely and wrote a little note - something like this:

"Dear Charlie. 

No idea what the future brings. 

But here's to delicious magnetic beginnings. 

Happy Birthday. 

Kay"

I hope he gets it properly. And puts it on his fridge.

And at the end of the evening, far too late for me to go dancing, and once I had recovered enough from the wine I drank, he walked me slowly to my car. And we kissed. And kissed. And kissed. Oh my goodness. I had forgotten how magnificent that can feel. Just kissing in a carpark in the dark. Like it would never end.

Wow. Electric and delicious.

I finally forced myself into my car and headed off home.

I want more of that.

Soon!

Have I done it again? Online fkn Dating SUCKS!!

Uuuuugh! I'm here again. Sore and fucking sad. And premenstrual. And I let my heart run away with me again and feel lost again!

Bachelor Number 2. I've been pining for him all week, working in Cape Town. And we've been in touch. Playful sexy. Fun. Looking forward to this weekend. We chatted on the phone. Made plans for coffee today and even moved out coffee with a girlfriend to make space with him. And he was suddenly 'out with his son'. No apology. No let's make another plan. Just out.

So I couldn't help myself. I went straight onto Ashley Madison and checked out when he'd last been online. Within the past hour. So while I'm really hoping there's something here for us, he's still out there hunting. Again. Just feels like Berlin all over again.

I'm second guessing myself. Do I have some weird expectation that when people say 'lets meet for coffee on Saturday', that they mean it? Am I missing a social beat about that? It's happened too many times with too many people. And every time it happens to me, it hurts like fucking hell!

I like this man SO MUCH. And have been counting the minutes till I see him again. And now, when that moment is about to come... I'm not seeing him at all. Just sitting here, alone in my house, wondering again what the fuck is wrong with me that this keeps on happening.

And I'm imagining all sorts of conversations in my head with him. All of them just redundant.

I. Feel. SO. FUCKING. SAD.

He. Just. Leaves.

I think it's a moment I'll remember for a long time. I'm standing naked in my bathroom after my morning shower in my house in Cape Town. The light is on - the only light in the room. The adjoining bedroom that has full view into the shower, is in darkness.

Berlin gets up from my bed and walks towards me in his Tshirt and sleep shorts. With his sleepy face. He says "I'm going down to my own room to wake up a bit and get ready for the day." And leaves. The first time he ever sees me naked in the light. He doesn't even blink. Or take me in. Or tell me I'm lovely. None of those things that you would expect from a man who has been sleeping next to a loving naked woman all night. He. Just. Leaves.

I look back at myself in the mirror. I'm looking the loveliest I have in years. Slim but still enough meat on my body to produce some womanly curves. Lovely breasts. Open, beautiful face. Short, funky, graying hair. Not bad for a 47-year old woman with three sons! It's not me, Trudy. It's not me. Fuck I hope it's not me.

Last night he told me he wanted to fuck me. I said no. He was drunk. And full of desire and hormones. And I did not want to do the deed and have him wake up on me full of regret and remorse. We kissed. And touched. It was sexy and delicious for a while. It happened on my balcony just as he was saying goodnight to me. I was drunk too. We hugged goodnight. Then a brief goodnight kiss. Then another deeper one. And then we were suddenly there in that place of passion where reason deserts you. And I invited him up to my room. I said he could sleep with me, but that we weren't going to have sex. That if we did decide to have sex it would be in the cold light of day with zero alcohol in our systems. But I wanted to be held. And wanted to hold. And wanted to feel the safety of loving arms around me after a day where horrible news about John-the-narc was spilling back into my life.

And it was lovey to be in his arms. My gosh. I am still so starved of that kind of touch that just having it for a while around me feels like rain in the desert. And. Of course. As everyone could have predicted, two adults in the same bed together with a serious amount of alcohol and attraction meant that it wasn't just holding. There was some sexy loving too....! And at one stage he positioned me on top of him and whispered "is it safe?" I bent down and whispered again that I wasn't going to fuck him. That could only happen if he told me he wanted to the next day.

And we settled down to sleep. He dropped off and I lay awake for hours, naked in his arms as he slept. Mulling over my thoughts about the day's shocking news (to be processed in a different blog). And when I finally got up to have my shower, well, then, the rest is history.

"Any regrets?" I asked him in the car on our way out to breakfast in the morning.

"Some" he said. "I'm sorry that happened last night. I didn't want it to. I know you did. But I didn't. So I'm regretful. You must be happy though? Its what you wanted."

"Shew" I said. "People change you know. I can't actually say whether it was still what I wanted. Why are you sorry?"

"I think it may change the relationship we have with each other. And I don't want to lose that. I don't want it to be different. I like it", he says, quietly.

"It hasn't changed for me, Berlin" I say, "we're going to be cool".

"Then I don't regret it" he answers.

And we were cool. I wondered if he may join me again in my bed last night, but he didn't. He made us supper. We talked. Drank wine. Laughed. I danced in the kitchen in my pajamas to my favourite musician, Harry Connick Junior. It was lighthearted and comfortable.

And then. He left again.

And I was sad that I wouldn't be able to sleep feeling held. But I didn't fall apart. I just went to bed and put myself to sleep.

Venturing into the Online Dating fray...

Wow. What a fun time I've had the past few days! Signing up to Ashley Madison this time brought an absolute deluge of offers! My goodness. Good for the ego, even though at least 60% of them were really disgusting dick shots and gratuitous sex booty calls. But also some really nice connections with some lovely men.

This is the profile I set up for myself online:

Preferences and encounters I am open to:

I'm in a consenting open marriage. I want a relationship with a man who will enjoy exploring this life phase with me. My dream mate is clever. Successful. Soulful. Sexy. Healthy. Strong. Kind. Funny. Solid.I have lived life and learned stuff. I value wisdom and lifelong learning. I'm a curious thinker about the human condition. I write. I read. I work out (within reason). And I work.I want soulful connection and hot sex! Sometimes at the same time! An intimate life companion without the domestic ordinary that comes with marriage and kids. A place to escape sometimes and be this other part of me. Love Scammers that trawl this site: stay the fk away from me. I know your game and I'm not interested in playing. You'll be wasting your time with me.

What really turns me on:

Strong. Sexy. Solid. Knows his own mind. Kind. Funny. Clever

What I am looking for:

reading. bush time. walking. sunday morning coffee and breakfast. I'm not really into pecker shots and online sex chats with strangers. I'd prefer actual real relationships with real people. So NO to international sex chatters please.

I've even already managed to fit in some dates! One was with a very sexually forward guy. I enjoyed lunch with him, but after a while I needed to take a step back. He was so very into impressing me with his past sexual escapades that I eventually started feeling quite tame in comparison, and that the sacred and connected picture I have of sexual connection was disappearing into a 'been there, done that' pissing context that I hadn't even entered. But also, at some level, I saw a lot of myself in him. Stories of past relationship people which sound a lot like Narcs in his journey, one that even tried to poison him with insulin! And when I looked into the mirror of this man, I saw my own neediness and desperate need for affirmation and someone to take me home and love me. I suppose I do get a bit how Mark and Berlin were a bit overwhelmed by my emotional onslaught.

Even though I told him after our date he has not stopped texting me. With his yearning to be sexual with me. And I do not have the heart to be unkind to him about that because I so know how it feels to be him. So I'm just being gentle and unrejecting with him and let our connection emerge naturally to what it could become over time. I don't know about this one - too close to home for me? For him?

Two other dates I've been on have been just fantastic. My mate is calling them 'Bachelor 1 and Bachelor 2'. Bachelor 1 is an older man - he's 60 - and sexy in a dreamy 'come to bed' kind of way. He's strong and fit. And educated. And a wonderful conversationalist. I have been to dinner once and a movie date with him already. Our second date was much better than date one, and I find myself being relaxed and animatedly cheerful with him. Definite potential there, even though he will be the oldest guy I've ever dated. He is still married, but long term living apart from his wife. They're in an open marriage and are fully aware, like hubby and me, that they are seeing other people. I like him a lot. He's the right mix of interested, thoughtful, laid back, and 'into' me that seems to make things exciting and comfortable between us all at once.

Bachelor 1's online profile:

Preferences and encounters I am open to:

Just looking for the right person to share good times.

What really turns me on:

Casual Jeans/T-shirt Type, Long Hair, Girl Next Door, Sense of Humor, Creative and Adventurous, Confidence, Discretion/Secrecy, Good Communicator, Dislikes Routine, Drug Free, Natural Breasts, Stylish/Classy, Petite Figure, Imagination, Relaxed and Easy Going, Not Possessive, Good Personal Hygiene, High Sex Drive, Disease Free, Casual/Social Drinker, Muscular/Fit Body, A Professional/Well Groomed

What I am looking for:

Travel, Fine Dining/Candle Lit Dinners, Music Lover, Theatre, Watching Sports, Romantic Walks, Wine Tasting, I Am a Social Drinker, Physical Fitness, Cottage Country, The Outdoors/Nature, Skinny Dipping, Long Drives, Strip Poker/Adult Games, Picnics, Boating, Cooking/Barbequing, Daring Rendezvous

Scuba diving is my passion. The outdoors, hiking, all of nature is my love. Want to share?

Bachelor 2 is 55. A very energetic and enthusiastic businessman who is clearly SUPER rich. Single. Just out of a long term relationship. Out to 'have some fun'. He and I really hit it off during our breakfast together. Gosh I liked him a lot. And he liked me back a lot. We spent the rest of the day texting furiously and getting to know each other better. There is a lot more smoldering chemistry between us. I think that if he and I didn't already have plans for our Saturday evening and the rest of the weekend, we may very well have found another moment to be together. I don't know whether he would be a good 'for now' relationship partner for me. Whether something would evolve from that which could be deeper? I must test for myself what that means to him.

Preferences and encounters I am open to:

Energetic business executive, just out of a long relationship, and now looking for some fun.

What really turns me on:

A Professional/Well Groomed, Casual Jeans/T-shirt Type, Tall Height, Long Hair, Sense of Humor, Confidence, Good Communicator, Stylish/Classy, Tattoos, Naughty Girl, Imagination, Relaxed and Easy Going, Good Personal Hygiene, High Sex Drive, Disease Free, Hopeless Romantic, Discretion/Secrecy, Drug Free, Natural Breasts, Petite Figure

What I am looking for:

Travel, Fine Dining/Candle Lit Dinners, Theatre, Shopping for Sexy Clothes/Lingerie, Music Lover, I Am a Social Drinker, Skinny Dipping, Motorcycles, Watching Sports, Board Games, Politics, Dancing, Cards

Golf, backgammon

And what of my heart? Well, it's interesting that both of these men are pulling my attraction, both for very different reasons. And all three of them really really seem to enjoy me, and like me back. And all of them are actively pursuing me now, which is also something I've actually never experienced at this level before. I really want to practice just enjoying this wooing phase. I mustn't rush anything. With both my Bachelors for now. Although I also want to be sure I'm being careful with both their hearts. Both feel to me to be great guys and good, solid men. My psychic friend wants Bachelor 2 for me more - she thinks #1 will 'make me cry' whereas #2 'owns his shit'. Which is an interesting insight I'll watch out for in them both. #1 is already on his 3rd marriage.

And now, just checking back into Bachelor 2's AM profile, I see he has revoked access for me to see his photos. I wonder why that is? Is he shy of me seeing them still? I did tease him about them on our date yesterday... Or has he changed his mind about me already? Or found another person he likes more?? I sent a WhatsApp message to him as soon as I saw that - I wonder how he will respond. He's on a plane right now so I guess it will be a while before I hear. Oh dear. This Online dating thing is still quite a vulnerable thing to do. Am I really up to it?

Ready to go Play Online Again

It feels completely different this time. I started a new profile on Ashley Madison yesterday, looking to find men in a similar position to me - committed to family, but seeking some sort of magic and connection. I think I've almost completely given up on Berlin becoming that person, although I did enjoy telling him that I was back on AM. He was a bit surprised. And then asked me out for wine quite insistently the next day. And has decided to join me on my next trip to Cape Town. Once again I have absolutely NO idea whether that means anything at all. But I have decided to just live with taking him at his word that we are to be nothing but friends.

So why the sudden interest in Online Dating again? I think it was reading that book I talked about yesterday. When I realized how very common this life stage is, I suddenly thought I'm wasting a lot of time feeling lonely. I know I'm doing the work, and healing myself. But I'm also hanging around, waiting for unavailable men to respond to my messages. Ask me out. Give me a little loving attention. I'm not going to spend one more day wondering whether Berlin is going to wake up and realise we're great for each other.

Ag no. Enough already.  There must be more men out there that could give me a very different experience in my life right now.

So what's different? Well. Me actually. I'm being ruthless with my 'picking'. I've had piles of invitations, and I'm just turning down 90% of them if something isn't the way I want it. And I'm not going to give away my heart in any way unless I find someone I really like. I have already started chatting to a couple of guys today. I've asked them both to send me selfies dated today so I can be sure they're not Nigerian assholes trying to reel me into another love scam. Thanks Berlin - I learned so much about protecting myself through your experience. I've already had to view my fair share of naked penises. Delete. Bad spelling. Delete. Guys from USA and Slovenia trying their luck. Delete. Guys my son's age telling me they crave mature women and telling me how sexy I am...chuckle and delete. Someone writing Arabic. Hot, but no - delete.

And the couple of guys I've started chatting to? One is splashing his wealth all over his pics and lives in the MOST exclusive housing estate in town. Narc? Single. So even though I'm not into flashy cars and lifestyles, I thought - why not give him a go. I've actually never spent time in a life where money flows like that - see how it feels! And the other one lives nearby to me. That would make life easier for meeting up. Both are self employed.

This is what my Astro chart says today:

Oh, Capricorn, we've got a fun influence happening and it hits today: Venus is wiggling her way right into the houses associated with both creativity and romance today. This may have some of us feeling a little bit more like wine and roses, a bit less like the stern and practical. This isn't a bad thing at all- but, as usual, to get the ball rolling, it's going to be up to us. Still- our initiative will not be without rewards.

Yay!! Time to play a bit.

Maybe a date for Wednesday night?

Dance me 'till the End of Love

I don't believe in it anymore. True Love. Long lasting 'til the end of time' kind of love. It's such a compelling story, and my heart wants, at some level, to embrace that as a hope and dream. But no. I don't think it's a thing. If anything, I think it's an exception to the rule - like a very small percentage of relationships that begin in a youthful 'falling in love' place and ends in getting old together happily. I have seen lots of people get old together. But happy ones? Not so much.

I started listening to Leonard Cohen. Yesterday. He's Bush Man's favourite singer, and when we got together we played a few of his songs on my cell phone YouTube. Now my YouTube thinks I'm a Leonard Cohen fan, and gives me recommendations every time I open it. So last night Bush Man checked in with me a little on WhatsApp and when we said goodnight, I sent him the Leonard Cohen version of 'Dance Me till the End of Love'. Just as a playful goodnight moment - him sleeping alone in his guest house and all.

And then I listened to it myself. And felt myself being drawn into the such compelling picture of a love that lasts a lifetime. The romantic siren song that lures you to believe it's possible. I believed it for a while, that night. And then woke up again in the morning to my real life. Knowing that it's an almost impossible dream - one that maybe a very lucky very few chance upon.

This weekend I discovered and downloaded the book "Marriage Confidential". Wow! If ever I have read a book that so thoroughly defines my  own feelings about my marriage, and those of so many people of my generation that I've talked to, then this is it!  I'm not finished it yet, but I am seeing marriage in a whole new light. People like me and my husband. Living in 'meh' marriages where that passion and inspiration is long gone, but it's not 'bad enough' for us to part. Where we define our partnership first in terms of our co-parenting responsibilities and can't really remember the actual reasons why we chose each other in the first place. Where that passion is gone, but a respect and partnership (and friendship) still lingers. Where we all look at each other, silently wondering what actually happened. She defines that all so well.

And then she talks about how people like us are starting to redefine marriage. Quietly. Confidentially , mostly. Open marriages like mine. Divorced but cohabiting and coparenting. Polyamory. Sanctioned 'stepping out'. Swinging. All new ways of addressing the loss of the dream and the 'quiet desperation' so many of us endure while trying to do our best by living in marriages that are past their sell-by date if we look purely at the Romantic Expectations we began our relationships with. She says so many modern marriages end because of the loss of this dream. And maybe they don't have to. The ones that are lasting now are the ones where quiet redefinition is taking place. Where we are allowing ourselves to have courageous conversations about what we really want out of life. About vitality. About passion. Sex. About personal growth and wrestling with life.

And I think that's possibly what my husband and I are doing. We have spent some incredibly painful years facing up to each other and feeling a sense of failure of our marriage to stand up to the standards we set it. Acknowledging it fell short. And now starting to examine how we can co create a way forward: That works for us. Our kids. Our sense of community and stability on the world.

We didn't talk it through like this at all. I want him to read this book as a way of setting a background and context for us both to realise we are not alone in this place. That millions of marriages just like ours are suffering like this. That we may well be ahead of the curve in being one of the pioneering and courageous couples who are consciously looking to shift, and yet preserve our basic lives without ripping the fabric of our family apart.

I want to have this conversation with him. For the first time in years I feel quite inspired by what we're doing, instead of feeling like it's just a way of containing the fallout after our failure as a couple.

How exciting. A new way of framing our life together. I hope I get him to read the book - could take him months. Sigh.