But my mind really doesn't want to dwell on that in any conscious way. Instead I am full of crazy emotions. All of them connected to men in some way. All of them obsessing about sex in some way. All of them, I suppose, just seeking some comfort and holding at the core of me while I wait this scary shit out.
I messaged Charlie. Just could not hold myself back.Sent him a Pinterest quote:
"At some point you have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening."And then I texted: "Just like to know what that is..."
But. Nothing. He read it. Didn't reply. Went onto Ashley Madison instead of replying. Dick! So I think I'm coining a new phrase: "I've been Charlie Harpered". Charlie Harper is the Charlie Sheen character in Two and a Half Men. Serial girl-fuck-and-leaver. That's what Charlie calls himself on Ashley Madison. Asshole - I should have really really looked that up before I lost a bit of my heart to him. What a fucking cliche!!!
Bachelor #1 has retreated. He got retrenched at the end of last month and is dealing the fallout alone. I've messaged him a couple of times, just to support him a bit, actually, but he's very clearly needing some solitary time. I have thought about messaging him and saying that I'm in a nasty space too - let's have some comfort sex together. Might still do that. Can a girl be forgiven for being a bit sluttish in her potential death sentence month??
There's another boy that I'm playing with a bit. The one I met before #1 and #2. The one who was a bit sexually forward for my fragile disposition. He's me in another costume in many ways. I recognise too much of me in him. But one of the benefits of him being my mirror, is that he remains as present as I do. No distance. No mystery. No feeling abandoned. He's right here. Full on. And If I really wanted a shag, I'd have him over in about 10 minutes! But shit. I also know I can't fuck with his heart. He is actually as fragile as I am. And I know how I felt when Berlin sent me mixed messages - 'I don't want to be with you but I do'. And I'd feel terrible if I hurt him the way I felt hurt by the Berlin situation.
Messaged Berlin and told him I need sex. He teased me and said that's contra-indicated in my medical condition. I said I have a new prescription I need to try out. He said OK. When I find the shag buddy, he'll wait for me around the corner and drive me to the ER if I stop breathing again. All very funny. And not so much either. He said why don't I consider shagging my husband. I said I'd even considered that for about 30 seconds. Then naa.
Didn't message Mark. Thankfully. Or Bush Man who can't show up - he's a two hour flight from here.
But all of this doesn't really calm the panic that's happening deep in my heart. Panic about the work and selling I'm not doing enough of because my head isn't here at work at all. And panic about this body of mine. My life. My future. My mortality. Thinking about dying by not being able to breathe. Thinking about trying to survive a lung transplant. Thinking that I'm creating a major fucking drama in my head about all of this and that I know, at some level, that I don't have this disease at all.
And not having that intimate person in whose arms I could just take some refuge. Just being held for a while so I can cry through this terrifying stuff. I'm looking for my dad again aren't I? Just needing that masculine energy to enfold and protect me for a while. Someone to hold the baby for me? With me?
This is brutal stuff people. Brutal!