Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Just Kiss a New Boy

Not really the solution at the moment, I know. The masculine energy I'm craving is about old child wounds, and giving in to that yearning probably isn't the most healthy psychological response to it. More healthily I should be looking at holding myself. Tuning into my woman network. Immersing myself in purpose-driven work projects. But I kissed a boy instead. Gave Charlie the right amount of 'response time' on my last ever message to him, and then adopted the 'you snooze, you lose' policy and moved right on.

So New Boy needs a name. I think I'll call him The Tasmanian, mostly because he is a high energy, high emotion, high intensity guy who seems to do everything on fast forward. He's in a long term relationship. And always has a 'significant other' on the side. He expects his significant other to be exclusive with him, and hasn't been challenged by that double standard. Until now, of course. Because I did. At drinks last night. And when I challenged him he shifted from the Tasmanian energy into something completely different. Worried and sad a bit, I think.  Because he feels like exclusivity is non negotiable anyway. But he wants to be with me. So now what?

As I responded to him, I could start finding my truth about it. I'm not in any way in love with him. Yet. I could fall in love with him. And if I did, maybe I would only want to be with him exclusively. But at the moment, that's not the case - although I do like him a lot. And I suspect that we would have awesome sex together, although that is yet to be tested. I kissed him. On two dates so far. And kissing him was lovely, although I was aware of holding myself back quite strictly both times from an emotional connection perspective, and I am worried that this could influence the sexual connection we may have if I decide we'll go there. Like it did with Bush Man.

But my real reluctance is about two issues, I realise. One: I'm actually really enjoying having the freedom to play the field if I want. Even though I'm not really doing that anywhere as much as it sounds, just not being tied to anyone in particular is a freeing feeling. The downside of that, of course, is the horrible loneliness and rejection I keep facing when things don't go the way I want them to. The Charlie Harper moments that cut away at me in brutal ways. Having someone consistent that shows up as my lover as often as possible is what I think I was looking for. Maybe the fact that I was considering this with Charlie, but not really comfortable with it with the Tasmanian is indication enough that I shouldn't go there with him?  Although I did sleep with Charlie. And that opening and intimacy does change things in one's mind about how to do this.

Issue Two caught me by surprise, though. I only realised it when I started telling The Tasmanian that this was my problem with exclusivity. Mark. Seriously. Mark. Mark and I had a lovely phone conversation the other day, and when I asked him about how his family and marriage fixup project was going, his response was intriguing. He said that he had managed to make home a lot more peaceful (due to a lot of the talks I was having with him about how I was trying to do the same thing), but that his actual relationship with his wife hasn't improved the way he'd hoped. And that he was considering having the 'Should we separate or not?" conversation with her in the next few months. I suddenly realised that if I went exclusive with Tasmanian, then the Mark relationship wouldn't be able to resume. And I'd hate that. Because I know I love Mark really deeply, and am actually just holding a space for him if ever he becomes free enough to be with me.

And I don't actually know whether he would still want to be with me in that way. I know there would probably be no permanent and regular thing, even if he did. We'd probably only find very irregular moments to be together on business trips etc, because of how very busy he is. And I don't think I would be able to be ok with such infrequent hookup times, even though  would really really enjoy the time we would create together anyway. So even if he left his wife. And if he wanted to be in a relationship with me, I think it would be a part time thing. Non exclusive.

So I said that to Tasmanian. And it made him think. No answers or decisions... it's too early for that anyway... but something to think soberly about.

I think I am going to sleep with him. A few times. And then figure out whether this is something I would like to put my heart and soul into or not. And keep incredibly honest with him about the fact that this is what I'm doing. That we both need to decide what this thing might be. And not allow him to pressure me into making commitments that aren't going to be right for me. Because that would just be settling. And I shouldn't do that. Not at this stage in my life.

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