Victory Lap!

I. Got. Laid.

Really! At Last!

And it was lovely! No strings attached. Warm and affirming. Free and happy. Open and comforting. I actually didn't know I had it in me - to be able to be in that physically intimate space with someone and NOT connect into a deep and complicated space.

I met a clever Environmental Scientist on a conference I was leading this week. We met at breakfast as we were in the same bed and breakfast joint. He offered me a lift to the conference venue and we ended up sitting next to each other during the sessions. At some stage in the afternoon, our arms brushed. And some sort of chemistry started cooking. Another 'innocuous' brush here and there, and that chemistry escalated. Like there was a magnet between us. Then more intentional touching, still, of course, invisible from the rest of the conference delegates.

By dinner he was sitting up close next to me (in a booth where all of us were squashed and up close, granted, but not all of us were surreptitiously touching fingers and thighs under the table). We drank and talked and laughed with our conference colleagues, and played tentative sexy touch games under the table. It was playful and light. Nothing heavy at all.

I suddenly realised I had had far too much wine for my own good, said goodnight to everyone, and headed home with a friend of mine. On the way home I saw lights in the rear view mirror (was a very remote venue, so unlikely to see that at that time), and wondered if it was him. Thought about whether I wanted it to be him. Decided that I was happy if it was him, and would let the evening unfold the way it took itself. By the time I had let myself into my room, there was a knock at the door. I opened the door and he stepped in and kissed me. Then he said "I thought you may need someone to put you to bed". I smiled. And closed the door behind him.

And we made love. Again - not the mind blowing soulful sex that comes from deep connection, but rather 'good enough' sex. We had hardly shared 10 sentences with each other directly  since we'd met - all conversation had happened in group contexts, but we still found a comfort and rhythm with each other that surprised me. It was like all the terms of our engagement had been communicated in touch and nuance, and no words were necessary - no discomfort felt. And it was just so incredibly lovely to touch and be touched after all these months of touch free desert. I just didn't want to stop touching him and kissing him in his neck, and back, and face and running my hands all over his broad hairy chest. Feeling this man under my hands with all his hardness and solidness and masculinity was just like a dream.

We lay together for a few hours in the too-narrow 3/4 bed, and he eventually left me to sleep away the last few hours before morning.

He came to me again the following night. Earlier this time. Less alcohol in both our systems. Both of us almost falling over with tiredness after a full day's work on only a few hours sleep from the previous night. We got into my bed, naked, and just held each other for a while. He played me some Leonard Cohen music that he loved on youtube on my phone, and we talked a bit, just holding each other, until we fell asleep.  And then, once we had rested, we woke up in the early hours and made love again. Slower this time. Better. Warmer. No rush. Just nice.

And then it was time for him to leave my bed as the daylight started creeping in. He kissed me.

We spent the rest of that day working in the conference space, and when the conference ended I had to leave very fast - I had 4 hours of driving to get to the airport through very remote rural country, so couldn't dally about. I collected all my luggage about me, and rushed to say goodbye. He looked at me with his lovely blue eyes and I said "I have to go now. Goodbye" And smiled.

"Goodbye" he said, with a matching smile.

And that was all.

No numbers exchanged. No 'I'll call you'. No 'let's do this again sometime'. Nothing. And that was as it should be. It felt right.

To just walk away with a secret smile.

The Beginning of a Conversation

I spent half an hour here in Madrid chatting to my new CEO today. He owns the company that has just bought mine, so, in a sense, he now owns me! And he's my new boss.

I like him. He's thoughtful and understated, and not obviously arrogant. He dealt with me respectfully with focus and engagement. I wanted him to get a strong and confident sense of me that reassured him he has made a good decision, and to open a collaborative relationship between us that will work for many years to come. These initial conversations can make or break things long term I think.

We were strong and candid with each other, neither of us pretending we had this all figured out, and agreed to walk cautiously for a year together so we can learn a lot from each other. He is an expert in globalising a business. I am an expert in delivering our services at scale in emerging markets at very low cost. Together we could plant seeds that would make a strong impact on learning across the world. So long as we are not tempted to run fast and do damage to things in the process.

Besides continuing to run my business, I will take on the role of Head of Leadership practice for Africa and Middle East, and be a Senior Director of the organisation. So the expectation for me to learn and lead well are big. And although a lot is new to me in this business, I also feel that there are people who will become my allies over time and will support me to achieve stuff over the years.

Its very creative, considering all the new possibilities that exist because of all the changes that have happened to me over the past few months. And, if I'm honest, a bit intimidating. The possibilities are endless. Am I up to it? Will my body hold out? Is my brain going to run this fast?

Let's see.

But for now...time to try to walk gently with myself - I have about 20 hours of travelling ahead of me now as I head towards home. And I need to sleep and sleep and sleep.

See that Girl

Oh my goodness! We had such a brilliant dancing time last night at our conference! I'm usually a complete fader when it comes to such things - I know I'm going to pay for last night's dancing in an unhappy body today, but I don't care. It was lovely!

My new company has a tradition of announcing the new Global Partner promotions at this conference. It was inspiring to watch some very clever and high performing people be acknowledged and promoted with such warm and inspiring high praise from their leaders. The people here seem to really love working here, and have a huge amount of fondness and affection for one another. I like it, on first impressions.

And then at about 12.30 am, the band started. The music just begged my body to start moving, as did my feet which had been aching with standing still listening to all the speeches for over an hour. Wow. Brilliant song after brilliant song. Dancing happy people everywhere around me. I danced and danced and danced.

And I chatted and danced with some lovely sexy boys. One from Brazil who was very inspired by my presentation yesterday about the work I'm doing in South Africa, and thinking about how we can help him set up something similar in Brazil!! But besides by getting really excited about being able to export my  work like that, I was also melting at how fkn HOT he is! No, Pink Book, I didn't make any moves on him! He's hot. And Married. And one of my new colleagues, So off limits. But lovely to enjoy the chemistry and connection at the same time!

And my body just so enjoyed the freedom of the dancing. I haven't done that in years. Just out there, dancing. No longer as self conscious as I would have been as a younger woman. Dancing with happy abandon. Feeling the music. Feeling the endorphins cursing through me. Laughing with myself. Laughing with the people I was dancing with. Enjoying watching the youngsters around me dance and play.

It's morning  now. I'm typing in bed with a cup of coffee to slowly emerge and try to give my body some peace. Last night was good for me.

I remember as a child growing up in the 70's, my favourite pop song was the ABBA hit 'Dancing Queen'. I imagined that, when I was 17 like the girl in the song, then I would be out there at clubs, living it up, the dancing queen of the song. All grown up and sophisticated. Instead, at 47, I really did feel like that. Not for anyone else, but for me, just for a while, I was my own dancing queen.

And it rocked!!

Pinch Me

A year ago today I was in Zanzibar. I took my whole team away for the holiday of a lifetime to reward them for an incredible year and create a unified team to tackle 2014 challenges. We thought we had a charmed year ahead of us. Our sales pipeline was full and we were going to produce our best results ever. I was deeply in love with John-the Narc and he was there with me, leading our team and setting us up for success. Once the team conference was over, John and I stayed on a few extra days alone to have some chill time alone together. It was beautiful, sensuous, loving and connected time. We walked and talked on beautiful beaches, made love and slept and read in beautiful island bungalows and connected and loved in that time. I thought I was in heaven. A beautiful start to a beautiful year.

And now, 1 year later, I'm alone in my hotel room in Madrid. I'm at my first conference of the company that has bought my company from me. I'm meeting all my new colleagues and bosses who are going to be part of my new life. John has gone. He lied, stole from, and betrayed me. I fired him and cleared him out of my life. I'm walking an average of 14km a day at the moment, and I'm feeling healthier and stronger than I have in years because I have been SO focused on healing myself and rehabilitating this body of mine. I'm on chemo, and eating a gluten free diet. My company is slowly recovering from the devastating blows that hit it this year, and my soul is slowly but surely moving into a better place.

And in my heart I feel everything. Still the deep sadness for the loss of my love, John, who didn't really exist as I believed him to be, but gone anyway. I'm still lonely. I am surrounded by clever, energetic, sexy men. And I feel even more the pain of living my life with very little touch. I'm feeling the lack of being held, loved. Intimate and beautiful connection. Sex. Any man who shows me the briefest bit of attention becomes, for a moment, a beacon of hope for me. And then I remember that these are my colleagues now, and that makes them off bounds. I'm not going to have another work relationship. Ever.

And even that is a shift in me. I see the feelings start to warm up in me, and I am able to tell myself to 'Step Away From That Colleague'..a level of self management that my poor damaged soul hasn't really been able to achieve in the past.

So here sits Trudy. On the brink of a completely new phase in her life. Still sad. Lonely. Wistful. But also excited. Creative. Blooming with ideation on the possibilities of my new job. Brimming with learning about what it means to be part of a global business. Glowing in the accolades I'm getting from my new colleagues about the work I have achieved in my company. Watching the culture and politics around me warily to see how the game is played in this company to make sure I position myself well.

John is my past. This is my future.

So much in 1 year

I can't really believe it!

Pinch me!

Barcelona Alone

It sounded like a lovely idea at the time. Before my work conference in Madrid, spend a few days with my mate in Dubai and then off to Barcelona for a few solo days wandering the streets and just enjoying my Shirley Valentine moment. Because traveling alone should be something all self actualized women my age should be able to pull off. No problem.

Well I can pull it off. I can navigate the metro, catch a bus, read a map, find wifi hotspots and carry my 20kg of luggage up 4 flights of stairs with just a little huffing and puffing. Easy peasy. And the Guide Book my dad bought me for Barcelona is getting me around quite nicely thank you very much. And I'm capable of finding myself gluten free food to eat for every meal. And I just swipe my credit card for every purchase, and wince every time because it is so very expensive to travel abroad as a South African with our exchange rate so very high to the Euro.

But I didn't really get how very lonely I would feel. How all my sadness would keep welling up inside me at unexpected moments. How much in my own head I would be with nobody to talk to. I'm seeing beautiful things. Experiencing new sounds and smells and sights of Barcelona. But when I want to point it out...there's nobody there to share it with.

Once I imagined John and I seeing these far flung places together. He was very well traveled, and kept telling me he wanted to show me so many beautiful places across the world. We talked often about Barcelona - his son was here last year working on a cruise ship, coming ashore often to experience the place. I don't just feel alone here, I feel bereft. Like he should be here next to me, to turn to and point. To help me carry my luggage up those 4 stories. To decide with me what we should see today. To make love with me during siesta time.

So I feel my aloneness more acutely because I feel like I'm missing a piece of me. And as soon as I remember who I'm missing, that old sadness wells up again. And again.

There are a pile of 'Shoulds' sitting on my shoulder. I should remember what a fuckwit he is and eliminate any thoughts of him from my head. I should hook up with some local community people here and immerse myself in people to distract myself. I should just 'be' in the moment and feel whatever comes up and let that be part of my Barcelona experience. I should have invited someone to be here with me. But the Shoulds are not helpful because they actually just give me something to beat myself up about. And I promised myself I would let off the shoulds anyway.

Berlin has been keeping me company online. He knows Barcelona and travels a lot so he has been supportive. Although I do feel a bit of a tension happening between us. He talks to me for a while; I get hooked into that and lean in, getting more intense and a bit needy; he pulls back and creates some distance, afraid, I think , that I'll become too emotionally attached to him. Maybe he's right - that could happen I guess, particularly when I'm feeling sad and wistful like this.

Chatted a bit to my CEO boy too - he's in France and was thinking of joining me for a few days. But somehow I felt like that may rush an intimate relationship between us that I'm not sure I want or am ready for yet, so when he asked for my address in Barcelona so he could come through, I just kind of didn't give it to him. He got the message and reversed a bit, saying he'll catch up with me in Joburg again, and that he'd really really like to see me.

I walked the Gaudi buildings of Barcelona today. It's a holiday and so the streets were pretty empty. I found myself singing to myself most of the day as I walked. Sad songs. Songs of love and loss. That old Carpenters song "Goodbye to Love" keeps playing through my head. (Click here to remind yourself - such a beautiful singer Carol Carpenter was)

"Goodbye To Love"

I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love
has passed me by
And all I know of love
is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it.

So I've made my mind up I must live
my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to love.

There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories

And I'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for something I could live for.

All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my
only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can.

What lies in the future
is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune
as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that
I've been wrong
But for now this is my song.

And it's goodbye to love

I'll say goodbye to love.

Shew. Good thing I'm going to Madrid tomorrow to be with people again - this is wrist slitting stuff!

Trudy, did you just try give the Baby Away again?

Ugh. Flip. I'm just feeling so sore right now. Just took a serious sucker punch to the stomach which I really should have seen coming.

Berlin.

I met up with him a couple of days ago between my family holiday and heading up here to Dubai. We had a happy and comfortable afternoon connecting, drinking wine and just enjoying each other's company. I like him. He's clever and interesting and warm. We were at it for 3 hours and reluctantly finished up when the restaurant had cleared away ALL the tables.

Near the end of the conversation I got into a little bit of a sore place when I said something about my ex-narc John. Too much wine and a big cocktail of PMT hormones and suddenly I was fighting back tears. I just felt the John stuff in a sore and vulnerable place and showed that vulnerability to Berlin. He was kind and gentle to me.

When we left we hugged goodbye. Wow. Just being held by him for a few seconds nearly broke the whole dam wall of tears - I can't remember when I was last held like that. Just for a few fleeting seconds I felt home. He's big. And surrounding. And strong. I suddenly felt all my vulnerable energy pouring out of my soul. I caught myself and pulled it back. In time, I thought. I stepped back from him and we were suddenly looking into each other's eyes. He has the most beautiful blue eyes that a girl could get lost in, and maybe I did lose myself for a bit. He said he felt sadness in me. Was there anything I wanted to say to him? There wasn't. I knew my sadness was about John. Not Berlin. I told him we had a long time ahead of us for any conversations that needed having, and that I was not sad about him.

We parted and headed off in different directions. I messaged him a bit later.

30 Dec 2014 9:15 PM - Trudy North: Thanks for that.
30 Dec 2014 9:15 PM - Trudy North: Sorry I got a bit emo on you there. ...
30 Dec 2014 9:16 PM - Trudy North: That was a very cozy safe feeling goodbye hug. Needed that. 

30 Dec 2014 9:26 PM - Berlin: Trudy I don't want to make you sad! 

30 Dec 2014 9:27 PM - Trudy North: You didn't
30 Dec 2014 9:27 PM - Trudy North: Really
30 Dec 2014 9:27 PM - Trudy North: I AM sad
30 Dec 2014 9:28 PM - Trudy North: I'm recovering from a hectic space. ..
30 Dec 2014 9:28 PM - Trudy North: And I sometimes still don't have my shit together.
30 Dec 2014 9:29 PM - Trudy North: Just talking about it and being in a gentle space with you just brought up some of the tough feelings. But not you. Really really not you 

30 Dec 2014 9:46 PM - Berlin: Good. You OK There? Got karate kid around? 

30 Dec 2014 9:51 PM - Trudy North: I'm fine. Mom in law here too 

30 Dec 2014 10:35 PM - Berlin: Good. Can she also do karate? 

30 Dec 2014 10:45 PM - Trudy North: Hahaaaa no. But she's scary with her knitting needles!

I got ready for bed. Still holding that really sad feeling, all connected to PMT, I found the next day, but sad all the same. I was surprised but also pleased at the sadness - I was able, at last to read through some of my earlier blogs and cry quietly to myself in my bed - I haven't been able to do that for a long time. But I was also feeling uncontained and lonely. And somehow, Berlin had struck a chord with me - I had felt held and safe and heard, and I didn't want it to end. Suddenly I needed my friend to stand by me in my sore place. But I think he was still convinced that I was sad because of him. Was I? I don't think so.

30 Dec 2014 11:15 PM - Trudy North: Hey where are you?  Talk to me.....

But he wasn't there. I carried on reading some of my tougher blogs to myself. And I was just getting deeper and deeper into a place where I needed to be heard. Feel seen. I feel like so much of this journey has been inside me, shared only with my shrink, and you, my Pink Book. And suddenly I wanted someone to stand with me in the fire, just for a while, and hold me while I shed my tears. Not a lover. Not an intimate person. Just someone who I could trust with these truths who would hold me and not judge me.

30 Dec 2014 11:27 PM - Trudy North: So I'm trying to find you a couple of my blogs to try explain a bit about where I'm at. Please read the ones I send you. ..It feels important to me that you do.  I'm not really sure why. None of them are about you, so don't worry. ...
30 Dec 2014 11:28 PM - Trudy North: It's like i need you to understand a bit more about where I've come from and that emo stuff i couldn't bottle up today. ..
30 Dec 2014 11:30 PM - Trudy North: I'm coming out of a very emotionally abusive relationship with a very cruel narcissist. I think your dad may have been one too, by the way. .. so see if you recognise anything that may be useful for you. ...

And I sent him 5 blogs. 5 Blogs that I thought would help him understand my sadness now. Give him some idea of the road I've walked. I wanted him to hear me. Empathise with me. Stand with me and maybe contain and hold me a bit.

These are the blogs I sent:

Emotionally Naive

It's not a normal breakup when there's a Narcissist in the Room

You Underestimate Narcissist pathology, Trudy

Interpreting Dreams

Allowing me to Grieve

30 Dec 2014 11:49 PM - Trudy North: ok. I've bombarded you enough. Sorry if it's too much for you. 

30 Dec 2014 11:51 PM - Berlin: Trudy? 

30 Dec 2014 11:51 PM - Trudy North: Yup 

30 Dec 2014 11:52 PM - Berlin: You're torturing yourself 

30 Dec 2014 11:52 PM - Trudy North: Maybe.
30 Dec 2014 11:52 PM - Trudy North: I'm off all the pills that kept me quite numb for months 

30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Berlin: You will never understand these people
30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Berlin: I won't either 

30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Trudy North: I'm starting to feel again and it hurts like
30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Trudy North: Like i don't have a word for 

30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Berlin: It's important to know that they are there
30 Dec 2014 11:54 PM - Berlin: And to warn others like you warned me 

30 Dec 2014 11:54 PM - Trudy North: Did you read my bits i sent? 

30 Dec 2014 11:54 PM - Berlin: And saved me from a lot of pain!
30 Dec 2014 11:55 PM - Berlin: But it's also important to accept that it's a vicious world out there
30 Dec 2014 11:55 PM - Berlin: But also a kind world
30 Dec 2014 11:55 PM - Berlin: With kind loving people
30 Dec 2014 11:56 PM - Berlin: You are one of them
30 Dec 2014 11:56 PM - Berlin: That made you a target first 

30 Dec 2014 11:56 PM - Trudy North: :( 

30 Dec 2014 11:56 PM - Berlin: Now you can help others like me and I will too
30 Dec 2014 11:57 PM - Berlin: You're a great person Trudy!!! 

30 Dec 2014 11:57 PM - Trudy North: Tx Berlin 

30 Dec 2014 11:57 PM - Berlin: I consider myself lucky to know you!!! 

30 Dec 2014 11:58 PM - Trudy North: Hahaaaa... Let's see what you're saying in a year's time. .
30 Dec 2014 11:59 PM - Berlin: The same thing. Truth is truth. Might be pissed off with you here or there and vice versa but we're still on the same wavelength
30 Dec 2014 11:59 PM - Berlin: And you saved me
30 Dec 2014 11:59 PM - Berlin: After I hurt you
31 Dec 2014 12:00 AM - Berlin: I won't forget that!!!!! 

31 Dec 2014 12:01 AM - Trudy North: I'm going to breathe and say nothing because i don't have words right now. ... 

And that's the truth - I'm crying. And crying. I don't quite know why but the tears are flowing after months of desert. I can't find words

31 Dec 2014 12:03 AM - Berlin: Breathe... We're not in a slam poetry contest or whatever they call those things... 

31 Dec 2014 12:04 AM - Trudy North: Please read. It's important to me. 

31 Dec 2014 12:06 AM - Berlin: I'll do that Trudy! 

31 Dec 2014 12:07 AM - Trudy North: Thank you Berlin. 

31 Dec 2014 12:10 AM - Berlin: They say all sorts of weird things about Germans but one of those rumors is true. If we do something, we make sure we do it properly! It's in our DNA. Applies to friendships too by the way  

31 Dec 2014 12:11 AM - Trudy North: I'm glad. I could do with some of that. Friendship stuff.  

31 Dec 2014 1:00 AM - Berlin: I know you need more Trudy...

Whaaaaaaat? What does he mean? from him? From anyone? What is he thinking??? Is it true? Do I need more from him? Is that what this is? Me reaching out, asking him to 'read me' because I need him to 'get' me? Maybe to love me?

31 Dec 2014 1:01 AM - Trudy North: Actually I need to be more for me.
31 Dec 2014 1:01 AM - Trudy North: I just haven't completely figured that out yet

And then follows two days of conversation about everything but this. I leave South Africa and head for Dubai. He chats to me and keeps me company on the trip over WhatsApp. He suggests places to see, things to do. I do them and send him pics. But nothing about my blogs. And my period starts and I realise why I felt so very sad and undone for a while. Not that the feelings weren't there, but more that they were spilling out of me so easily during that time.

And for days I'm too afraid to ask what he thought of my blogs. I want him to tell me. Say something that will let me know he gets it. He sees me. But nothing.

So this afternoon, I finally plucked up the courage to ask:

1 Jan 5:28 PM - Trudy North: Hey Berlin. Did you read those blog extracts I sent you?

1 Jan 5:35 PM - Berlin: You sent me so much Trudy and our WhatsApp conversation is endless! Haven't managed to go back far enough to find them yet. Would be easier if you could send me links via email...

1 Jan 5:39 PM - Trudy North: Ok. Will do.

He hadn't read them. He hadn't read them. He was not curious or caring enough to make good on his promise to me that he would. Was I not clear enough about how much I needed him to read me? To see me? I asked and asked. I pushed the point. He didn't want to. Just that. If he did want to, he would have.

And this is where my heart breaks. Fkn again. Because I believed him when he said he would do this for me. I thought he was interested enough in me as a human being to care about this if it was that important to me. But not. He didn't get it. Didn't want to get it. Reading those blogs together would have taken maximum about 20 minutes at most. And I know I would have done that for him if he'd asked me to.

And I just suddenly felt terribly alone again. Alone and abandoned and sad. Again without anybody in the world who would give a fuck about how very sore all of this is for me. Who would just hold me safe and pat my head for a while. So I can feel safer. Better. Calmer. A little more loved.

But I also know I did it again. Like I was saying in my blog "Don't try give the Baby Away". I tried to give the baby away to Berlin to hold. I know I must not do that. I clearly haven't learned how to exist without trying to palm her off on people instead of just holding her myself in her pain. Shushing her gently until she calms down and nods off. Feeling safer because I have done the holding.

So I'll have to get back to that then. Backing off Berlin again for a bit. It's just too close and too sore, and I seem to get into having unrealistic expectations, or rather unmatched expectations of what our friendship would be. 

So I'm sore and I'm reluctantly picking up that baby who has been howling on the pavement for 3 days. She's mine to hold. 

Not Berlin's. Not Berlin's.

Resolutions for 2015

This is a big day for me. It's the very last day that I own my own company - a company that I have built and grown for almost 19 years!

So while everyone else is looking at today being the last day of what has been a tough year for many, I'm looking at the end of an era.

And I'm writing here from the airport lounge waiting to catch a flight that will take me to Dubai to meet up with one of my precious mates for a few days before I head up to Spain and meet all my new bosses at their world conference.

So, on my very last day, I'm alone, embarking on a new journey and into a new life. I'll be celebrating the new year in the air with all my other fellow travelers and flight staff.

So I do think that 2014 is going to go down in the history of Trudy Green as the Watershed Year. I have made such momentous changes for myself and faced down the biggest dragons of my life.

1. My company went into the biggest freefall in 19 years and looked like it was going to crash. I thought I was going to lose everything I'd worked for and go bankrupt.
2. I sold my company - the one I grew up in and has been intimately interwoven with the story of my life, and my family's life for almost two decades
3. My health took the biggest beating ever with my collapse and hospitalisation. I'm finishing this year with two new confirmed chronic autoimmune diseases: Rheumatoid Arthritis and Atypical asthma on top of the Hashimotos I had diagnosed in 2013
4. I discovered the most cruel deception from my lover, a narcissist, who cheated on me and stole huge amounts of money from me. 
5. I've been working in therapy for the whole year on healing my soul from the scars of old and new Narcissistic abuse

There are more things that 2014 brought but these were the headlines. The trauma I have lived through this year has felt incredibly severe. And recovery has been slow and is still very much in process. My response is to try for a 2015 that has the following in it:

1. Create a life that works better for me and my Tribe  

2. Write more

3. Laugh more

4. More time with my precious people

5. Be there more. For me.

Be gentle Trudy.