Thursday, 30 October 2014

Don't try give the Baby away

Was at therapy on Tuesday. And somehow thinking about how I am dealing with all the men that are orbiting my life at the moment.  (Besides John-the-Narc who is currently in full on take-no-prisoners attack mode - threatening to sue me instead of asking how he can possibly work out with me how he can pay me back.....)

Shrink was helping me think about how I engage with those men. She talked about various archetypes we carry inside us, and about how I need to be thinking about how the 'young man' operates inside me. It's not a gender thing, but rather an attitude thing.

What I am feeling right now is a desperate need to be held and comforted. And that's a normal thing to feel. It's the hurt little child just aching to be held. But, as she pointed out, none of the boys that are around  me at the moment will ever be able to step up and hold the child. They're just aren't that type. And I am fooling myself and them a bit because I am flirtatiously playful with them - initiating contact and being the young man - slightly sexually aggressive and going out there to fetch what I want. But the minute any of them respond to me, what actually comes to the fore is the sexy girl, who is, in fact, still very close to the needy child. In effect, if they respond to me, what I'm trying to do is to get them to hold the baby.

So it's a trick I'm playing with them and myself. Entice them with my siren song, and then hand over the baby for them to hold.

No. No. No. Can't do that. I cannot give any of these guys the baby. They don't know how to hold the baby. I need to hold the baby. Nurture her. Reassure her. Help her be OK in the world. Protect her. They could actually cause her even more harm than she has already suffered if I even let them near her.

It doesn't mean I can't play with these boys. Even shag them if I really have the inclination and things look great. But if I do, I need to be very very mindful that I keep myself in 'young man' space. Understand that I'm going there for fun, connection, recreation, playfulness. But not because I'm seeking care and holding. That will not come now. That's the way to protect my heart for now - is to stay in the mode of young man and sexy girl. But be very very clear with  myself that I'm not letting them get near the baby. And clear with myself that I will not give the baby away.

Shrink also suggests that if I do decide to get intimate with someone, that I have my own exit points planned. Early breakfast with a girlfriend, or even going back to my room or another bed. Just something where I symbolically do the leaving and I don;t let myself be the one who is left.

I like those concepts. I'm going to mull them for a while.

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