Wednesday, 26 November 2014

You Underestimate Narcissist Pathology, Trudy

Shrink session yesterday. I was talking through my thoughts from my blog "The Conversation in my head I wish I could have" from a few days ago. I so want to find a place where John-the-Narc and I can find a peaceful resolution that honours our history and soothes some of the pain.

But my shrink was unequivocal. She says I continue to underestimate the Narcissist pathology and that the only option for me is to stay away, and not engage. I have ignored her guidance in the past at horrific peril. Clearly my instincts are completely off on this still. I think it's time I shut up and did what I am told by her. She's been dead right about everything else that has transpired.

He sent me an arrogant and pompous email yesterday, demanding all sorts of closure actions from me to be done 'Urgently'. Things like deleting him from our website and stationery and closing him out of the bank. Things he knew I would have mostly done already anyhow. Then a demand for a contract for a piece of work that we had planned to collaborate one. Shew. Seriously??!! Will the arrogance of this man know any bounds? He is taking me to court to claim money he is not owed. He lies and cheats and steals money from my company. And then he unashamedly demands a contract 'if the deal is still on the table'??! Like it's obvious that we will continue to do business together even though he is swindling me in court as we speak??

And then there's my pathology which is drawn in by that - I want to facilitate his success. I don't want to see him fail. And so I am drawn to find a solution. Enable him to get back on his feet. Supply him the services he needs to be able to do that. And my shrink says that's the very thing he's relying to keep me engaged and hooked to him. He knows my buttons, and will continue to push them until they are no longer available to him. She says 'just say No'. 'Don't explain. Don't Facilitate. Don't soften the blow or leave the door open. Just No.'

And 'No' is the hardest thing in the world for me. Blocking someone's opportunity because of my own selfish reasons is so counter-intuitive for me it actually hurts me to even think about it - so deep is my wounding about it. No matter what this man wants to wreak on me, I continue to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe the best of him. Somehow I think he will find his honourable self.

But as my shrink quite brutally pointed out to me yesterday: my belief in his honour is misplaced - while I was believing his seductive siren song, and being mesmerized by his Truman Show production, he was fucking other women, lying to me, stealing money from my business, damaging my reputation with my colleagues and not showing one bit of honour at all. She says to release that expectation. It will not come. Stay away from him and defend myself with every resource I have against his legal onslaught. He will give no quarter. But will look for any weakness in me he can exploit, and then milk me for more supply. More money. More power.

So this is the first time I'm going to do what I'm told. Even though it still feels wrong for me. I clearly continue to be unaware of how much danger I'm in, even though I nearly died just 3 months ago from his horrific emotional battery and abuse. So I will obey. And not engage. And not facilitate. And not support. And just calm that terrified and old little voice inside me that wants to save, no matter the consequence.

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