Monday, 8 December 2014
I've spent a lot of time on my weekend re-reading the Lisaescott.com website about narcissist recovery. I am struck again by the cognitive dissonance experienced by so many people who reach out there for healing and support - so many of them are in their first few weeks after their big discard and are wandering about, bewildered, still not realising what's happened to them. They are stuck in the Truman Show and can't really comprehend that evil has been visited on them and that it was all a big con. They're asking questions like "Should I call him at work because he hasn't changed THAT number?", and, "I really want to unblock him on Facebook or stalk him - I know his password". They think that there is still a chance - he will CHANGE, and see how much he NEEDS her, and come BACK, forsaking all others. He may very well come back - but only for some more supply if the currently supply he's using proves insufficient for a while - like she won't put up with his emotional abuse, or asks him too many questions about his missing Viagra pills.
Most of them, like me, belong to the percentage of the population who cannot believe that people can be inherently bad. We're a group of humans who insist on seeing the best in people and believe in nurturing and supporting people to become their best selves. Because we ourselves do not posses that piece that can be utterly evil and selfish, we cannot comprehend that others are capable of such willful acts of evil, and deny the evidence we see in front of us no matter what. This makes us perfect narc fodder because we just simply don't see the con coming. We're good people. We believe there can be peace and harmony in the world. We can't really comprehend that the evil people in the world keep cocking it up. We see people like Hitler and other despots as completely mad, which they are. But those evil people aren't just 'Out there' in Afghanistan or Syria or the DRC. They're right here. Living among us. Disguising themselves as good(ish) people so they can fit into society and bend the gentle people to their will.
My shrink gave me the unequivocal stare this last session and said to me: "You think everyone has good in them? You're wrong Trudy. They don't. There are good people. But there are also really bad people. And so long as you continue to believe that John has some good in him, he still has the power to hurt you. You need to know he is bad. Evil. He will attack you until you are a shell of yourself. Defend yourself against him. Nothing was real. He conned you." I get it. It would be Emotionally Naive of me to continue this belief in the face of such overwhelming evidence.
And I know she's right. The further out I get from this thing, the more I can see the little inconsistencies, lies, cover ups. I see the very real evidence of the 1.5 million gone from my bank account. I see him in court lying about the money I owe him, saying he took a lower salary because we were lovers, and that I would have settled with him later. Saying that I fired him only because I had a 'Broken Heart'. Trying to portray me as a lovesick weak woman who is unable to unblur the lines between professional and personal decisions. Lying and blustering so that people will miss the truth - he robbed me blind for over 4 years. And I caught him. And he cannot believe that he should face the consequences of that. Better still to try and up the scam and win more money from me.
That's evil. That's trying to avoid any consequences from your own actions. A person with goodness in them would stand up and acknowledge the truth, but an evil man tries to cover his tracks and create even more harm in the process.
I have to use this as my mantra for a while. I'm vetting boys on Tinder now - looking for the liars and the narcs. Sifting out anyone who comes on too strong, too fast. Who tells me what a witch their ex-wife is; who suddenly goes AWOL in the middle of a chat and has really shit excuses for where they went. I simply unmatch and move on. I might be overcautious about this at the moment, but I still think it's good practice. Steeling my heart. Bulletproofing my emotions. Making sure I'm dealing with honest, good men before I make any forward steps with them Many predators lurk there, looking for vulnerable kind women to milk. I never ever ever want to be in a relationship with a man like John again. He is evil. There are evil people in the world. I know it now. I will be more careful.
But I will never lose my sense of hope that the good people will grow and do well in the world - I'll retain a healthy dose of idealism to get me through the rest of my life, I hope.
So I'll go for the 'Bad' pic from Pinterest: don't want anyone getting the wrong message!