Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Interpreting Dreams

I was at Therapy yesterday afternoon. And my shrink and I were working through that very vivid dream I had last Wednesday. She sees it all as part of me trying to process the loss and attack that I'm dealing with John-the-Narc.

The lover in my bed represents John. The beautiful side of John that he showed me - loving, holding, precious skintime that fed my soul. The transient, but powerful safety that I felt being held in his arms. My child is suddenly in my bed and I use my body to shield the child from John, my lover. That is so significant in itself - my naked body has been the scene of so much history for me - abuse, wretchedness, health, growth, passion and love. And yet this is what I use to shield my child. My real child. My own inner child. Both need protection from my lover, even though he is being gentle and loving with me in our bed.

When he has to leave because I have to look after my child, he leaves a beautiful message for me on my sheet - an intimate place, a message lovingly crafted. Beautiful words that John used to use when he talked to me, or sent me messages. Notes that would warm my heart and feed my soul.

But the messages and words and intent are completely transient. When I try to read and access them, I find them gone - dissolved in the cleansing - lost forever and just not permanent or reliable in any way.

They are replaced by John-the-Narc madman who is attacking my house. It's full of strangers. In his legal attack he's threatening to expose our relationship and his actions are already bringing strangers into what was our own, quite secret and sacred world. He defiles it all by dragging lawyers and colleagues into our personal place, and tell lies about it and just breaks everything that felt good and wholesome and precious about it.

All of this threatens my family - what if my children get to hear about this sordid stuff? How will it damage their sense of safety and even morality in this world? How would I cope financially if he manages to lie enough to convince a judge to rule against me?

I run from this place that used to be my home to seek help - which is a good thing - I'm usually fighting to solve and control these things on my own. But my subconscious doesn't give me the satisfactory peace that would come from finding the help and saving the children from this very broken and destructive house. Instead I awaken with all the questions to ponder, the feelings to feel, and a battle ahead of me to fight.

This dream just spells out the heaven and hell that exists in loving a Narcissist. They are capable of exhibiting the most loving, connected, focused and deep love (who knows how much of it is real though), and also of the most destructive and despicable evil acts. And because they seduce us with their 'siren song', we are so deeply hooked and in love by the time the destructive one arrives, that it leaves us naked and vulnerable, unable to even defend ourselves. Unable to intuit the next evil blow and where it will come from. The beautiful relationship, like the message of love and farewell on the sheet, is just so transient, it's gone before you even get a chance to understand it.

My shrink asked me whether I am still in that place where I am tempted to call him, in my saddest hours, and ask him for some time. I'm lonely and sad. He's lonely and sad. But no. I no longer am tempted to reach out to him. Where before his abuse and cruelty were tempered with love and soul connection and skintime, now there is just duplicity, lies, attack and destructive behaviour. I love him still. I miss him deep in my soul. But I will never reach out to him again. I'm done with him forever.

We go to court on Friday for the first round. I will prepare for it today. The child inside me is feeling lost and bewildered and attacked. I only hope that my inner adults will be with me on Friday to stand up to this Narcissist bastard who wants to steal my life from me.

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