Posts
Riverman and I are a thing. The L-word has been exchanged. Lovemaking has happened. I'm feeling so very very happy with him...and so have neglected my blogging programme.
What I haven't done, luckily, because it often happens when one falls in love, is abandon my therapy work. Somehow I am succeeding in holding this loving space, and work the sore Trudy stuff at the same time.
So much of our time is spent talking on WhatsApp. So I decided to create a few WhatsApp narrative posts to help me remember the important conversations Riverman and I have as we learn each other.
This one happened while he was away with his kids on holiday, and I was down in Cape Town with my mates. Before the last blog, More than just a Kiss on a Park Bench
30/09/2015, 10:39 PM - Riverman: So what scares you?
30/09/2015, 10:42 PM - Trudy: It changes. I'm scared of
falling for you. And you running for the hills when that happens. Leaving me
abandoned and in pieces. That would be an action replay on my past 3
relationships. Devastating.
30/09/2015, 10:47 PM - Riverman: I tried to type an answer.
But Trudy this conversation we must have face to face. It is important.
30/09/2015, 10:48 PM - Riverman: I am not prone to running
for the hills. But this is new to me.
30/09/2015, 10:48 PM - Riverman: It feels so very right and
fills so much of that empty space.
30/09/2015, 10:51 PM - Trudy: Well we're probably getting a
bit ahead of ourselves. ...
30/09/2015, 10:51 PM - Trudy: I do this. ... Sorry. ... Bit
intense. ..
30/09/2015, 10:51 PM - Riverman: Yes. Over planning?
30/09/2015, 10:52 PM - Riverman: Don't be sorry tho.
30/09/2015, 10:52 PM - Trudy: ok. You have to promise me
something please. ..
30/09/2015, 10:52 PM - Riverman: Yes?
30/09/2015, 10:53 PM - Trudy: And I'll promise it back
30/09/2015, 10:55 PM - Trudy: However this plays out, if it
has to end for any reason, you end it
well. With a conversation. An explanation. A truth. No ghosting. Disappearing.
Withdrawing.
30/09/2015, 10:56 PM - Riverman: Promise. At the very
beginning we discussed honesty. I promise you that.
30/09/2015, 10:57 PM - Riverman: You already know things
about me that no one else does.
30/09/2015, 10:57 PM - Trudy: God. I'm so intense.
Sorry. Sorry. Too much
30/09/2015, 10:58 PM - Riverman: Trudy?
30/09/2015, 10:58 PM - Riverman: This is good. Don't
apologize.
30/09/2015, 10:59 PM - Riverman: I don't see you as probably
most people do... I'm lucky that way.
30/09/2015, 10:59 PM - Trudy: Meaning?
30/09/2015, 11:02 PM - Riverman: You seemed surprised that I
'saw' some of those aspects of your personality. But I am not coming into your
life through work, or your existing family, or your existing friends.
30/09/2015, 11:02 PM - Riverman: I can, if you let me,
embrace more of you. If you let me...
30/09/2015, 11:03 PM - Trudy: I scare people D.
30/09/2015, 11:03 PM - Riverman: 🙀
30/09/2015, 11:03 PM - Riverman: Which people?
30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: Men
30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: Not women
30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: My girlfriends adore me
30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: Are you a girl?
30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: 😁
30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Riverman: All men are bad and to be
mistrusted..
30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Riverman: 👽
30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Riverman: 👹
30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Trudy: But they're so delicious
30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Trudy: When we met
30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Trudy: And hugged Hello
30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Trudy: Was I imagining you were
nervous?
30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Riverman: Very.
30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Trudy: I felt you trembling
30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Riverman: Hehe!
30/09/2015, 11:07 PM - Trudy: And then thought I'd got it
wrong
30/09/2015, 11:07 PM - Trudy: Why nervous?
30/09/2015, 11:08 PM - Riverman: Expectation. Unknown I
guess.
30/09/2015, 11:10 PM - Riverman: It surprised me too.
30/09/2015, 11:10 PM - Trudy: And what are you most afraid
of?
30/09/2015, 11:11 PM - Riverman: Being chewed up and spat
out by warrior dontfuckwithmewoman.
30/09/2015, 11:12 PM - Trudy: Copout. But funny.
30/09/2015, 11:12 PM - Trudy: She doesn't do that. She
protects the innocent.
30/09/2015, 11:12 PM - Riverman: Seriously, not finding what
I want. And finding what I want.
30/09/2015, 11:14 PM - Riverman: Your 'sadness' piece talks
to existence, not living. I want to find the living.
(I had sent him a copy of my Sadness blog)
(I had sent him a copy of my Sadness blog)
30/09/2015, 11:16 PM - Riverman: I have been in a holding
pattern, and the expectation of getting beyond this is...can't find word
30/09/2015, 11:17 PM - Trudy: (I think living involves the
full spectrum of emotions though.)... *Still listening. ..
30/09/2015, 11:18 PM - Riverman: Yes, it does. But it has
lacked depth of feeling.
30/09/2015, 11:18 PM - Riverman: Clarify. I have lacked...
30/09/2015, 11:19 PM - Riverman: Control, getting it
done. Family. Stress. Sadness. Been
there.
30/09/2015, 11:20 PM - Riverman: Important, but not
everything...
30/09/2015, 11:21 PM - Trudy: How do you feel today?
30/09/2015, 11:21 PM - Riverman: The last few days have been
really good.
30/09/2015, 11:22 PM - Riverman: Fun. Connected.
30/09/2015, 11:23 PM - Trudy: Good. I'm having fun too.
30/09/2015, 11:24 PM - Trudy: I think we're braver in text.
It's harder when we talk to move into the braver conversations
30/09/2015, 11:26 PM - Riverman: Yes. But We'll get better.
Bet if you were right next to me here the conversation would have space for
braveness.
30/09/2015, 11:26 PM - Trudy: Believe me, if I was next to you we wouldn't be talking
at all! !!
30/09/2015, 11:27 PM - Riverman: Hehe!!
30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Trudy: Hey
30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Riverman: Yes?
30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Trudy: You're keeping me up!
30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Riverman: Good!
30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Riverman: Tough.
30/09/2015, 11:29 PM - Trudy: Rheumatoid woman here! !!!💅🏻
30/09/2015, 11:29 PM - Riverman: Ok, you're dismissed.
30/09/2015, 11:29 PM - Trudy: Don't really wanna be
30/09/2015, 11:30 PM - Riverman: Understand. Sleep well.
Thanks.
30/09/2015, 11:31 PM - Trudy: Like really don't wanna be
30/09/2015, 11:32 PM - Riverman: We've got days ahead.
Waiting...
30/09/2015, 11:32 PM - Trudy: Don't remind me😳
30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Trudy: Thanks for holding me gently
tonight.
30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Trudy: Bye sexy man!
30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Trudy: Still want you
30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Riverman: My pleasure. Wish it was
for real.
30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Trudy: More
30/09/2015, 11:34 PM - Riverman: Want you too! 😘
Next morning....
01/10/2015, 6:37 AM - Trudy: Shoooo
01/10/2015, 6:38 AM - Trudy: Seriously intense last night☺
01/10/2015, 6:38 AM - Trudy: That's a blush!
01/10/2015, 6:58 AM - Riverman: Morning!
01/10/2015, 7:04 AM - Riverman: How're you?
01/10/2015, 7:11 AM - Trudy: 😊
01/10/2015, 7:11 AM - Trudy: Good
01/10/2015, 7:30 AM - Riverman: So I learned some stuff
about you last night
01/10/2015, 7:31 AM - Trudy: Oh dear
01/10/2015, 7:31 AM - Trudy: What did you learn
01/10/2015, 7:31 AM - Riverman: 😄
01/10/2015, 7:31 AM - Trudy: Cringing. ..
01/10/2015, 7:34 AM - Riverman: ...<suspense>.....
01/10/2015, 7:34 AM - Trudy: 😖
01/10/2015, 7:35 AM - Riverman: ....cue dramatic music.....
01/10/2015, 7:35 AM - Trudy: You killing me!
01/10/2015, 7:36 AM - Riverman: You're human!
01/10/2015, 7:37 AM - Trudy: 😝
01/10/2015, 7:37 AM - Riverman: I like that.
01/10/2015, 7:37 AM - Trudy: Nooooooooo
01/10/2015, 7:37 AM - Riverman: Ok, with complexity. Better?
01/10/2015, 7:38 AM - Trudy: Ok
01/10/2015, 7:38 AM - Trudy: Sigh
01/10/2015, 7:39 AM - Riverman: I like that too.
01/10/2015, 7:39 AM - Trudy: Thank god
01/10/2015, 7:40 AM - Riverman: I think now, more than I
thought before, that we could be..no..mean more to each other than I thought.
01/10/2015, 7:41 AM - Trudy: Shew
01/10/2015, 7:41 AM - Riverman: That is scary tho.
01/10/2015, 7:41 AM - Trudy: Yup
01/10/2015, 8:07 AM - Trudy: Riverman
01/10/2015, 8:08 AM - Riverman: Yes?
01/10/2015, 8:08 AM - Trudy: I do like you
01/10/2015, 8:08 AM - Riverman: That's good!
01/10/2015, 8:09 AM - Trudy: I think I was probably trying
to scare you off last night
01/10/2015, 8:09 AM - Riverman: Should I go?
01/10/2015, 8:09 AM - Riverman: ...is it too fast, Trudy?
01/10/2015, 8:10 AM - Trudy: Probably.
01/10/2015, 8:10 AM - Trudy: But that's me
01/10/2015, 8:10 AM - Trudy: Driving emotional intensity
01/10/2015, 8:10 AM - Trudy: I try to hold myself back. ..
but struggle to
01/10/2015, 8:11 AM - Riverman: Well then it is you, not so?
01/10/2015, 8:11 AM - Trudy: Yup
01/10/2015, 8:11 AM - Trudy: So if you're scared you better
exit sooner rather than later. ...
01/10/2015, 8:12 AM - Trudy: PG warning. .. Things could get
real
01/10/2015, 8:12 AM - Riverman: I am scared but not OF you.
But BECAUSE of you. Big difference.
01/10/2015, 8:12 AM - Trudy: Tell me
01/10/2015, 8:13 AM - Trudy: What you mean by that?
01/10/2015, 8:19 AM - Riverman: Trudy, for me this decision
has been years in the mix. Intellectually it is there. But to be in the mix of
these - really good- things: the feelings, fun, potential... It is <can't
find word> overwhelming? Consuming? In a good but scary way.
01/10/2015, 8:20 AM - Riverman: So these feelings, this
potential, is what I thought and hoped about for so long. Now there you are....
01/10/2015, 8:22 AM - Riverman: I real see how difficult it
is to Programme this. So the scariness is 'riding the wave' I think.
01/10/2015, 8:25 AM - Trudy: Riverman I am emerging from a
very tough space. It's been a year of emerging. And I am tough and sassy on the
outside and needy and fragile on the inside. I'm by no means 'sorted' yet. Some
days I'm great. Some days I wobble like mad. That could be more than you
bargained for
01/10/2015, 8:28 AM - Riverman: Let me make that choice.
Unless you're pushing...
01/10/2015, 8:29 AM - Trudy: I need to say that because I
don't want to reel you in under false pretenses. The sexy siren song that
brings you into a space where you feel you've been caught up in a crazy space
01/10/2015, 8:29 AM - Trudy: I'm not pushing
01/10/2015, 8:29 AM - Riverman: Ok.
01/10/2015, 8:29 AM - Trudy: Just aware that I can be too
much for people
01/10/2015, 8:30 AM - Trudy: And. Honesty moment. Terrified
of being rejected for that
01/10/2015, 8:30 AM - Trudy: Again
01/10/2015, 8:31 AM - Riverman: I hear you.
01/10/2015, 8:33 AM - Riverman: My experience is less, but
longer. The terror still big.
01/10/2015, 8:33 AM - Riverman: Trudy?
01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Riverman: I am looking for more than a
fuck buddy. Reread my profile.
01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Trudy: I know
01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Riverman: That means this is not a sex
transaction. It will be more complicated.
01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Riverman: But more rewarding.
01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Riverman: I hope.
01/10/2015, 8:36 AM - Trudy: Me too
01/10/2015, 8:36 AM - Trudy: Shew
01/10/2015, 8:36 AM - Riverman: What I don't yet know is
whether I can meet your expectations/ needs fully.
01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Riverman: We both have other lives. Yours
possibly more sorted than mine.
01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Riverman: How these fit together is an
experiment.
01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Riverman: It has to be.
01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Riverman: No manual for this stuff!
01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Trudy: Yup. We must walk gently
01/10/2015, 8:38 AM - Trudy: And decide if and how we can
craft it into something that fits nicely into our lives
01/10/2015, 8:38 AM - Trudy: and it does also depend on the
first kiss you know. ..
01/10/2015, 8:39 AM - Riverman: Yes.
01/10/2015, 8:40 AM - Riverman: Yes. We're not there
yet. In physical terms anyway
01/10/2015, 8:42 AM - Riverman: God. Lionel
Ritchie..."I've been alone with you inside my mind....
"
01/10/2015, 8:42 AM - Trudy: 😊☺
01/10/2015, 8:48 AM - Riverman: "And decide if and how
we can craft it into something that fits nicely into our lives"... I like
that.
01/10/2015, 8:49 AM - Trudy: Yes.
01/10/2015, 8:49 AM - Riverman: I think we can.
01/10/2015, 8:50 AM - Trudy: I'm a time touch AND words
person.
01/10/2015, 8:51 AM - Trudy: I would need us to be able to
create real connected time together. Doesn't need to be extremely frequent. ..I
know that's impossible
01/10/2015, 8:51 AM - Trudy: But needs to be
01/10/2015, 8:52 AM - Riverman: Good. Agree. As you know the
connection is what is big for me.
I like this conversation because I can see myself being brave enough to be vulnerable. Telling him my truths as we go. Slowly opening myself to him. And him responding gently. Kindly. And reassuringly. As we tentatively move towards each other. Loving!
