WHEN NARCISSISTS CLAIM TO BE VICTIMS OF NARCISSISTS – WHO IS THE NARCISSIST?My Narcissism is palpable !! ……… every day, at least 10 times a day, I catch myself responding internally to triggers from out there somewhere. – Something somebody said, or even just how they said it. – Maybe a gesture or simply my interpretation of their body language.They all send signals which my fucked up wiring analyses as threatening, aggressive or maybe just plain frightening. – My logic switches off, and bam ….. there I am – wounded !!All reasoning, judgement and rationality takes a back seat, and “Narc boy” (picture him in a shiny jump-suit wearing his underpants on the outside), swoops in to take control !!What an arsehole ! ……..not only does he look stupid, but he acts like an idiot too. – He struts around in a sulk, shield at the ready, laser gun firing bright sparkly invectives, breaking shit and generally creating misery and grief for everyone and to everything around him.Then he’s gone !!Doesn’t hang around for the aftermath – His job is done, I am back on top …….. Neat trick !!Only two problems tho’One: If I catch myself 10 times a day, and don’t let Narc Boy out …….There are probably twice as many times every day, where I don’t catch myself. – That’s a shit load of broken stuff and a whole bunch of shattered people that I have infected !!Two: I’m actually not back on top ……. I just think I am – But that’s for a later blog !---------------------------------------------------So I talked about this with my shrink the other day, (good guy, by the way – I would highly recommend him to anyone who genuinely wants to fight back against Narc Boy and his cohorts), and the conversation drifted towards my other enemies and demons.Turns out that one of Narc Boys arch adversaries is “Covert Girl” (could be “Covert Man” – but not in my case). – There are lots of them, and they each carry a little bag of tricks that can be very dangerous.I’ve always seen my narcissism as arrogance, (that’s narcissistic in itself) but apparently I have failed to see the subtle deception of narcissism when it takes the role of a being a victim. – Thankfully most people, including other narcs, are easily fooled by this form of narcissism, so I don’t feel too bad (obviously !!)The deception is that the “covert narcissist” hides behind misfortune and victimization in order to shame you into feeling and believing that they suffer more than you do. - They will say stuff like you don’t care enough for them, or they will make you feel that you have not done enough to help them etc.Like me, a covert narcissist wants attention, control, and power over others, but they position themselves as a “poor and helpless” victim. – And I have now unpacked that they do this whilst all the while soaking up the attention and control they therefore gain over you.That seriously sucks, because (here’s a real zinger) ………….. I am in love with one of them !!My shrink made me realise that in the eyes of a covert narcissist, their situation is always right and totally justified - and because covert narcissists are incredibly adept at the game of manipulation, they will always find a way to turn the tables on you.And like a flash ………. ok, actually after floods of tears, it suddenly seeped through that I have frequently been milked for my mistakes (and as a narcissist, there are admittedly plenty), but that I have been made to feel more responsible and carry more guilt.So do the maths ….. more wounding brings more Narc Boy !!Seemingly, covert narcissists often shift gears from visible grandiosity, to acting that they are better than you because they suffer more than you, ………… and I have actually seen my covert girl take the limelight and credit for achievements and self-praise, then also get similar recognition from milking an injury or a seeming misfortune that has occurred to her.What I hate the most tho’ is that apparently covert narcissists seek souls that will believe their version of calamity whether it is real, exaggerated, or fictitious …… and what they do is claim that their calamity is different, because it’s worse for them.So now I am screwed, because covert narcissism is just as selfish and manipulating as any other form of narcissism, but the moment a CN sees that you don’t fully cooperate and act with concern for them, they eliminate you from their list of “loving” folks, even if only temporarily …………… and that’s hard as hell for me because, don’t forget, I adore this woman !!Covert Narcissists convincingly play the part of the “martyr” as an ultimate way of controlling others, especially their spouses (that would be me !!), and they typically say such things as “how can someone raise their voice to a person who is hurting so much” - Also, CN’s take much longer to heal or sometimes never heal, but go further downhill in their health.The bummer is that covert narcissists also move back and forth in this role depending on how well it is working for them. - In effect they can be screaming ugly epithets at you one moment and then convincingly asking you to show them that they have been emotionally hurt by you, the next …………….. and apparently this is particularly the case when they are under a lot of pressure.Whether it is real or not (and lets just be frank here, it probably is, if you are a narcissist like me), they are nevertheless “playing up” the victimized good girl who has been emotionally harmed by you.So I’ve been told not to be surprised at the lengths the covert narcissist will go to, to convince others that I am more of the villain than I actually am. - They will tell family members, close friends or their shrink how badly you have treated them, and about your monstrous cruelties, your insensitivity and lack of empathy as well as your emotional coldness. - That’s how powerful their method acting can be.So now what do I do ?? ………….. I’m in love with a CN !! ……….. I adore this good woman, great lover and ultimate martyr.There’s only one thing I can doI have to hold on to the truth behind my own disposition and to not deny my shortcomings or the debilitating effect my narcissism can bring into being - but to not be swayed. – I know I am entitled to lead my own life and be free of my covert narcissistic lover.But the truth is, I just don’t want to.
Aaaah. Sweet. He loves me even though I'm a Narcissist. I should be so grateful.
This is so typical of a Narcissist: they pathologise their partners and undermine the core of them in the process. The ultimate projection. I just couldn't let it lie there: I sent this reply and copied both his shrink and mine. If they are going to concoct diagnoses for me, maybe they should at least speak to the psychologist who has been treating me for over a year, don't you think?
You and *your shrink* are wrong about this. I have explained to you, many times, what my own psychological wounding is. I understand it, and am working with it deeply. And if you are to get any healing at all, you should stop lying to yourself and him about it. *Your shrink* is welcome to call my psychologist, *shrink name* about this to verify it for himself, and maybe get a better insight into the very REAL abuse I have suffered at your hands. She has been treating me for a year, and if this was my diagnosis, both she, and I, would know it by now. One of the key Narcissistic traits is pathologising his partner. You are doing that to me now and even that’s abusive because you are skewing the truth and leaving me feeling unheard and minimised.
Actually, I'll find it really hard to live with it. I guess I just want him to acknowledge what he's actually done, and find a way to heal himself, and me. But I guess I will have to accept that it's not to be.
It's so like my parents, when I broke my ankle when I was 7 years old, telling me it was just a sprain. They let me walk on that broken ankle for weeks, and never took me to the doc to have it checked. When I broke it again, the second time, the Xray revealed the first break. Even then, they didn't really acknowledge the pain that I suffered as a result of their neglect. They just said "Trudy always makes such a fuss about things, we didn't take her complaining seriously."
Wow, the patterns play out so painfully. It makes me cry.
He just responded:
I was told that this is exactly how you would respond.“ ………at first, she will only dislike what you say – But the more correct you start sounding, the more she will dislike you”.
Yeah. You got that part right. But for very different reasons.
Whatever John. You are, like you so often say, making it easier to leave you.