Tuesday 10 November 2015

Finding Each Other in Conversation 1

                                                        Rodin

Riverman and I are a thing. The L-word has been exchanged. Lovemaking has happened. I'm feeling so very very happy with him...and so have neglected my blogging programme.

What I haven't done, luckily, because it often happens when one falls in love, is abandon my therapy work. Somehow I am succeeding in holding this loving space, and work the sore Trudy stuff at the same time.

So much of our time is spent talking on WhatsApp. So I decided to create a few WhatsApp narrative posts to help me remember the important conversations Riverman and I have as we learn each other.

This one happened while he was away with his kids on holiday, and I was down in Cape Town with my mates. Before the last blog, More than just a Kiss on a Park Bench

30/09/2015, 10:39 PM - Riverman: So what scares you?

30/09/2015, 10:42 PM - Trudy: It changes. I'm scared of falling for you. And you running for the hills when that happens. Leaving me abandoned and in pieces. That would be an action replay on my past 3 relationships. Devastating.

30/09/2015, 10:47 PM - Riverman: I tried to type an answer. But Trudy this conversation we must have face to face. It is important.
30/09/2015, 10:48 PM - Riverman: I am not prone to running for the hills. But this is new to me.
30/09/2015, 10:48 PM - Riverman: It feels so very right and fills so much of that empty space.

30/09/2015, 10:51 PM - Trudy: Well we're probably getting a bit ahead of ourselves. ...
30/09/2015, 10:51 PM - Trudy: I do this. ... Sorry. ... Bit intense. ..

30/09/2015, 10:51 PM - Riverman: Yes.   Over planning?
30/09/2015, 10:52 PM - Riverman: Don't be sorry tho.

30/09/2015, 10:52 PM - Trudy: ok. You have to promise me something please. ..

30/09/2015, 10:52 PM - Riverman: Yes?

30/09/2015, 10:53 PM - Trudy: And I'll promise it back
30/09/2015, 10:55 PM - Trudy: However this plays out, if it has to end for any reason,  you end it well. With a conversation. An explanation. A truth. No ghosting. Disappearing. Withdrawing.

30/09/2015, 10:56 PM - Riverman: Promise. At the very beginning we discussed honesty. I promise you that.
30/09/2015, 10:57 PM - Riverman: You already know things about me that no one else does.

30/09/2015, 10:57 PM - Trudy: God. I'm so intense. Sorry.  Sorry. Too much

30/09/2015, 10:58 PM - Riverman: Trudy?
30/09/2015, 10:58 PM - Riverman: This is good. Don't apologize.
30/09/2015, 10:59 PM - Riverman: I don't see you as probably most people do... I'm lucky that way.

30/09/2015, 10:59 PM - Trudy: Meaning?

30/09/2015, 11:02 PM - Riverman: You seemed surprised that I 'saw' some of those aspects of your personality. But I am not coming into your life through work, or your existing family, or your existing friends.
30/09/2015, 11:02 PM - Riverman: I can, if you let me, embrace more of you. If you let me...

30/09/2015, 11:03 PM - Trudy: I scare people D.

30/09/2015, 11:03 PM - Riverman: 🙀
30/09/2015, 11:03 PM - Riverman: Which people?

30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: Men
30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: Not women
30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: My girlfriends adore me
30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: Are you a girl?
30/09/2015, 11:04 PM - Trudy: 😁

30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Riverman: All men are bad and to be mistrusted..
30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Riverman: 👽
30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Riverman: 👹

30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Trudy: But they're so delicious
30/09/2015, 11:05 PM - Trudy: When we met
30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Trudy: And hugged Hello
30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Trudy: Was I imagining you were nervous?

30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Riverman: Very.

30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Trudy: I felt you trembling

30/09/2015, 11:06 PM - Riverman: Hehe!

30/09/2015, 11:07 PM - Trudy: And then thought I'd got it wrong
30/09/2015, 11:07 PM - Trudy: Why nervous?

30/09/2015, 11:08 PM - Riverman: Expectation. Unknown I guess.
30/09/2015, 11:10 PM - Riverman: It surprised me too.

30/09/2015, 11:10 PM - Trudy: And what are you most afraid of?

30/09/2015, 11:11 PM - Riverman: Being chewed up and spat out by warrior dontfuckwithmewoman.

30/09/2015, 11:12 PM - Trudy: Copout. But funny.
30/09/2015, 11:12 PM - Trudy: She doesn't do that. She protects the innocent.

30/09/2015, 11:12 PM - Riverman: Seriously, not finding what I want. And finding what I want.
30/09/2015, 11:14 PM - Riverman: Your 'sadness' piece talks to existence, not living. I want to find the living.

(I had sent him a copy of my Sadness blog)

30/09/2015, 11:16 PM - Riverman: I have been in a holding pattern, and the expectation of getting beyond this is...can't find word

30/09/2015, 11:17 PM - Trudy: (I think living involves the full spectrum of emotions though.)... *Still listening. ..

30/09/2015, 11:18 PM - Riverman: Yes, it does. But it has lacked depth of feeling.
30/09/2015, 11:18 PM - Riverman: Clarify. I have lacked...
30/09/2015, 11:19 PM - Riverman: Control, getting it done.  Family. Stress. Sadness. Been there.
30/09/2015, 11:20 PM - Riverman: Important, but not everything...

30/09/2015, 11:21 PM - Trudy: How do you feel today?

30/09/2015, 11:21 PM - Riverman: The last few days have been really good.
30/09/2015, 11:22 PM - Riverman: Fun. Connected.

30/09/2015, 11:23 PM - Trudy: Good. I'm having fun too.
30/09/2015, 11:24 PM - Trudy: I think we're braver in text. It's harder when we talk to move into the braver conversations

30/09/2015, 11:26 PM - Riverman: Yes. But We'll get better. Bet if you were right next to me here the conversation would have space for braveness.

30/09/2015, 11:26 PM - Trudy: Believe me,  if I was next to you we wouldn't be talking at all! !!

30/09/2015, 11:27 PM - Riverman: Hehe!!

30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Trudy: Hey

30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Riverman: Yes?

30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Trudy: You're keeping me up!

30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Riverman: Good!
30/09/2015, 11:28 PM - Riverman: Tough.

30/09/2015, 11:29 PM - Trudy: Rheumatoid woman here! !!!💅🏻

30/09/2015, 11:29 PM - Riverman: Ok, you're dismissed.

30/09/2015, 11:29 PM - Trudy: Don't really wanna be

30/09/2015, 11:30 PM - Riverman: Understand. Sleep well. Thanks.

30/09/2015, 11:31 PM - Trudy: Like really don't wanna be

30/09/2015, 11:32 PM - Riverman: We've got days ahead. Waiting...

30/09/2015, 11:32 PM - Trudy: Don't remind me😳
30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Trudy: Thanks for holding me gently tonight.
30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Trudy: Bye sexy man!
30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Trudy: Still want you

30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Riverman: My pleasure. Wish it was for real.

30/09/2015, 11:33 PM - Trudy: More

30/09/2015, 11:34 PM - Riverman: Want you too! 😘

Next morning....

01/10/2015, 6:37 AM - Trudy: Shoooo
01/10/2015, 6:38 AM - Trudy: Seriously intense last night
01/10/2015, 6:38 AM - Trudy: That's a blush!

01/10/2015, 6:58 AM - Riverman: Morning!
01/10/2015, 7:04 AM - Riverman: How're you?

01/10/2015, 7:11 AM - Trudy: 😊
01/10/2015, 7:11 AM - Trudy: Good

01/10/2015, 7:30 AM - Riverman: So I learned some stuff about you last night

01/10/2015, 7:31 AM - Trudy: Oh dear
01/10/2015, 7:31 AM - Trudy: What did you learn

01/10/2015, 7:31 AM - Riverman: 😄

01/10/2015, 7:31 AM - Trudy: Cringing. ..
01/10/2015, 7:34 AM - Riverman: ...<suspense>.....

01/10/2015, 7:34 AM - Trudy: 😖
01/10/2015, 7:35 AM - Riverman: ....cue dramatic music.....

01/10/2015, 7:35 AM - Trudy: You killing me!

01/10/2015, 7:36 AM - Riverman: You're human!

01/10/2015, 7:37 AM - Trudy: 😝

01/10/2015, 7:37 AM - Riverman: I like that.

01/10/2015, 7:37 AM - Trudy: Nooooooooo

01/10/2015, 7:37 AM - Riverman: Ok, with complexity.  Better?

01/10/2015, 7:38 AM - Trudy: Ok
01/10/2015, 7:38 AM - Trudy: Sigh

01/10/2015, 7:39 AM - Riverman: I like that too.

01/10/2015, 7:39 AM - Trudy: Thank god

01/10/2015, 7:40 AM - Riverman: I think now, more than I thought before, that we could be..no..mean more to each other than I thought.

01/10/2015, 7:41 AM - Trudy: Shew

01/10/2015, 7:41 AM - Riverman: That is scary tho.

01/10/2015, 7:41 AM - Trudy: Yup

01/10/2015, 8:07 AM - Trudy: Riverman

01/10/2015, 8:08 AM - Riverman: Yes?

01/10/2015, 8:08 AM - Trudy: I do like you

01/10/2015, 8:08 AM - Riverman: That's good!

01/10/2015, 8:09 AM - Trudy: I think I was probably trying to scare you off last night

01/10/2015, 8:09 AM - Riverman: Should I go?
01/10/2015, 8:09 AM - Riverman: ...is it too fast, Trudy?
01/10/2015, 8:10 AM - Trudy: Probably.
01/10/2015, 8:10 AM - Trudy: But that's me
01/10/2015, 8:10 AM - Trudy: Driving emotional intensity
01/10/2015, 8:10 AM - Trudy: I try to hold myself back. .. but struggle to

01/10/2015, 8:11 AM - Riverman: Well then it is you, not so?

01/10/2015, 8:11 AM - Trudy: Yup
01/10/2015, 8:11 AM - Trudy: So if you're scared you better exit sooner rather than later. ...
01/10/2015, 8:12 AM - Trudy: PG warning. .. Things could get real

01/10/2015, 8:12 AM - Riverman: I am scared but not OF you. But BECAUSE of you. Big difference.

01/10/2015, 8:12 AM - Trudy: Tell me
01/10/2015, 8:13 AM - Trudy: What you mean by that?

01/10/2015, 8:19 AM - Riverman: Trudy, for me this decision has been years in the mix. Intellectually it is there. But to be in the mix of these - really good- things: the feelings, fun, potential... It is <can't find word> overwhelming? Consuming? In a good but scary way.
01/10/2015, 8:20 AM - Riverman: So these feelings, this potential, is what I thought and hoped about for so long. Now there you are....
01/10/2015, 8:22 AM - Riverman: I real see how difficult it is to Programme this. So the scariness is 'riding the wave' I think.

01/10/2015, 8:25 AM - Trudy: Riverman I am emerging from a very tough space. It's been a year of emerging. And I am tough and sassy on the outside and needy and fragile on the inside. I'm by no means 'sorted' yet. Some days I'm great. Some days I wobble like mad. That could be more than you bargained for

01/10/2015, 8:28 AM - Riverman: Let me make that choice. Unless you're pushing...

01/10/2015, 8:29 AM - Trudy: I need to say that because I don't want to reel you in under false pretenses. The sexy siren song that brings you into a space where you feel you've been caught up in a crazy space
01/10/2015, 8:29 AM - Trudy: I'm not pushing

01/10/2015, 8:29 AM - Riverman: Ok.
01/10/2015, 8:29 AM - Trudy: Just aware that I can be too much for people
01/10/2015, 8:30 AM - Trudy: And. Honesty moment. Terrified of being rejected for that
01/10/2015, 8:30 AM - Trudy: Again

01/10/2015, 8:31 AM - Riverman: I hear you.
01/10/2015, 8:33 AM - Riverman: My experience is less, but longer. The terror still big.
01/10/2015, 8:33 AM - Riverman: Trudy?
01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Riverman: I am looking for more than a fuck buddy. Reread my profile.

01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Trudy: I know

01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Riverman: That means this is not a sex transaction. It will be more complicated.
01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Riverman: But more rewarding.
01/10/2015, 8:35 AM - Riverman: I hope.

01/10/2015, 8:36 AM - Trudy: Me too
01/10/2015, 8:36 AM - Trudy: Shew

01/10/2015, 8:36 AM - Riverman: What I don't yet know is whether I can meet your expectations/ needs fully.
01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Riverman: We both have other lives. Yours possibly more sorted than mine.
01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Riverman: How these fit together is an experiment.
01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Riverman: It has to be.
01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Riverman: No manual for this stuff!

01/10/2015, 8:37 AM - Trudy: Yup. We must walk gently
01/10/2015, 8:38 AM - Trudy: And decide if and how we can craft it into something that fits nicely into our lives
01/10/2015, 8:38 AM - Trudy: and it does also depend on the first kiss you know. ..

01/10/2015, 8:39 AM - Riverman: Yes.
01/10/2015, 8:40 AM - Riverman: Yes. We're not there yet.  In physical terms anyway
01/10/2015, 8:42 AM - Riverman: God. Lionel Ritchie..."I've been alone with you inside my mind....
"
01/10/2015, 8:42 AM - Trudy: 😊☺

01/10/2015, 8:48 AM - Riverman: "And decide if and how we can craft it into something that fits nicely into our lives"... I like that.

01/10/2015, 8:49 AM - Trudy: Yes.

01/10/2015, 8:49 AM - Riverman: I think we can.

01/10/2015, 8:50 AM - Trudy: I'm a time touch AND words person.
01/10/2015, 8:51 AM - Trudy: I would need us to be able to create real connected time together. Doesn't need to be extremely frequent. ..I know that's impossible
01/10/2015, 8:51 AM - Trudy: But needs to be


01/10/2015, 8:52 AM - Riverman: Good. Agree. As you know the connection is what is big for me.

I like this conversation because I can see myself being brave enough to be vulnerable. Telling him my truths as we go. Slowly opening myself to him. And him responding gently. Kindly. And reassuringly. As we tentatively move towards each other. Loving!