Wednesday, 29 July 2015

The Expert Waiter

No. Not the kind of waiter you would expect to find in a restaurant.

But rather a person who waits. My shrink was pointing out to me yesterday that this seems to be one of my own personal brand of expert skills. Learned and shaped through a lifetime of waiting. Waiting for my mom. Waiting for my dad. Waiting for my alcoholic ex-husband to come home after long nights of drinking and debauchery. Waiting for my current husband to finish off all of his other priorities and find some time for me. Waiting for my ex-lover Narc to come back to me after every blow up fight where he would disappear to 'regroup', (now to be understood as going off to fuck other women).

Waiting is probably most about waiting for my dad to emerge from his cave. His artist's studio where he would paint for hours at a time, cleverly escaping my mom's bullying in there. It was a no-go area for us kids. He wanted to paint alone. And we were never allowed to see his magnificent oil paintings until they were finished. That often took months.  I used to sneak into that studio when he wasn't around. And dip one of his paintbrushes into the paint, and dot a few colours onto each and every painting. Don't know why I did that. He never said anything if he actually noticed. But I would look at those paintings in their prohibited unfinished state and long for my dad.

This longing, waiting feeling is such an old familiar one. I didn't realise that not everyone feels it. It seems to be a creation of my own particular circumstance. To love seems to be 'to long' for me. I am unable to remove the object of my longing from my mind and heart so I can wholeheartedly focus on my other commitments. Instead I carry it like a heavy stone that sits between my heart and my throat all the time. And it feels like a barrel of unshed tears just travelling inside me.

So here I am, waiting again. For Red. Shrink says she doesn't want to see me waiting again for anyone. That the danger in my waiting is the red flag that I'm going there again - once again attracted into a dynamic that is so destructive for me. Where my needs and desires need to be put on hold while the man I desire gets the time and space to do whatever he thinks he needs to make his life work.

I know that a lot of this waiting phase is of my own making. I could have just taken Red's first assertion that he needs to be alone to deal his separation and letting me go on WhatsApp as the final word. I didn't. I fought for the connection. I asked for a conversation, even if it's just going to be a conversation of closure. So I have managed myself into this painful and old, familiar place while I wait it out. Familiar, sore, dangerous place for me.

Shrink says I have always fought for the connection. Always had to sit patiently while the person I need love from does their own thing, oblivious to the internal pain I experience while I wait.. She wants me to stop fighting. To be able to find it in myself to walk away if the other person does not see fit to fight.

So I'm going to practice that with Red. While I wait I'm playing with my other AM boys, connecting with girlfriends, setting up things that will soothe and nurture me. Berlin has asked me out for drinks on Friday night. And instead of me making it tentative in case Red wants to see me then, I've just said ├Łes'. And another AM guy is coming to Joburg today and I may meet him for drinks. And yet another wants to see me when I get to Cape Town on Sunday. I'm just going to say 'Yes' to them all. See them. Enjoy connecting with them. Not cheat on Red in any way with them, and be clear with them that I'm not ready to go 'further' with them. But leave my options open. Red has until Sunday to do something properly to fight for us. He needs to call like he promised. He needs to try and see me.

If he doesn't, I'm walking away.

Because I need to get bad at waiting.

Monday, 27 July 2015

Slipping Through my Fingers?

I've been working hard through this weekend. On me. Not falling apart. Not pining.  Trying to live through the weekend with joy and richness. Friend richness. Family richness. Immersing myself in the people I care about.  Trying to forget to look at my phone every 3 minutes to see if he had messaged me.

I felt like he was struggling. With me? With his wife? Didn't know.  But I did know it was bad. He wouldn't have withdrawn from me if it wasn't bad. By Sunday afternoon after hours of bonding with one of my girls, I was resigned to the fact that I may never hear from him again. And that if I did, it could be to hear him say goodbye to me.

And it felt sore. On a rational level I get his need to withdraw.  He feels like he has too much to deal. Not good timing for a relationship.  But I also know that connections like this are rare.  If it is a real connection.  If I'm not making it all up in my head and just projecting my yearning onto him and making him a placeholder for my own ancient pain...

I heard from  him late on Sunday afternoon. Apologising for being gone. Telling me his home shitstorm started raging on Friday. And saying he needed to exit from me. That I'm a good woman and he doesn't want to hurt me. That the timing is wrong for him.

And I responded one last time to him to fight for this connection. I said that making decisions like this under emotional duress was a bad idea. That I didn't want to take this as his final word on the matter. That I wanted to have this conversation face to face with him. He agreed.  Said he'd call me in the week.

And now I wait. I'm so conflicted about how to deal this. I'm trying to hold my sore heart gently. Are we going to find a way to be together that works for us both? Will I be able to be content with being with him in small doses? Will he even feel he has any space for me? Does he even still want me? Or has he already begun the work of killing his feelings for me in his heart? Is he already gone? Am I doing him a disservice by hanging on to this hope instead of releasing him to find his own way? Am I just being selfish? Or will he be better off riding this tsunami with me? Am I just diving in to rescue and repeating my old pattern? Or is this the relationship where I get to hold myself and love another in a non codependent way?

So I have no choice about what will happen next. He's not a man who I could manipulate or control even if I wanted to. He knows his own mind.  I think he'll hear me out. And consider my opinion.  And then make his own mind up. And I might have to go through yet another heartbreak in the process.

I suppose this time I'm grateful that I chose a man who is a grownup. He's not just disappearing on me like some of the other cowards I've survived this year. He's being truthful and courageous. And seeing this through with me properly.


Makes me not want to lose him.

He's a fucking keeper!

Is he Trudy? Really?

Saturday, 25 July 2015

Have I Done it Again?

Red feels gone. One week ago this morning we were kissing goodbye in his driveway after a lovely intimate and connected night together. I left with lightness and joy in my heart. I felt that I had chosen well and that this would be a rich and lovely path we would walk together.

But our conversation in this week has been about him withdrawing. First with words. Telling me he's in too much of a crazy space for him to be with me without hurting me. Saying he can't give me what I want - that I need immersion into his life and he needs to be separate for a while.

I took that to mean we were done, and began to sadly prepare myself to leave him behind me. But when I told him that, he said he doesn't want me to go. That he wanted me around but just wasn't sure how that would look. I said I think I should be forming what I wanted out of the relationship or I would run the risk of prezelling myself into any form he required of me and becoming sad and resentful because I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship.

So he asked me what I wanted. I went back to my profile on Ashley Madison and resent him my profile description:

I'm in a consenting open marriage. I want an actual relationship with a man who will enjoy exploring this life phase with me. My dream mate is clever. Successful. Soulful. Sexy. Healthy. Strong. Kind. Funny. Solid.I have lived life and learned stuff. I value wisdom and lifelong learning. I'm a curious thinker about the human condition. I write. I read. I work out (within reason). And I run a company. And a family. I want soulful connection and hot sex! Sometimes at the same time! An intimate life companion without the domestic ordinary that comes with marriage and kids. A place to escape sometimes and be this other part of me. I'm not into just a casual one shag thing. .. Although I know you have to start somewhere. ... so if you have no intention of lingering for a while and investing in a real connected relationship. ... please don't contact me. I'm the real deal and I don't enjoy being with men who would be flighty with my heart. Love Scammers that trawl this site: stay the fk away from me. I know your game and I'm not interested in playing. You'll be wasting your time with me.
My turn ons
Strong. Sexy. Solid. Knows his own mind. Kind. Funny. Clever
I'm looking for
reading. bush time. walking. sunday morning coffee and breakfast. I'm not really into pecker shots and online sex chats with strangers. I'd prefer actual real relationships with real people. So NO to international sex chatters please.

As  I read this again I realised how very clear I had been in this description for muself. And I felt sad that he was here with me but not really responding to my need. Like I'd been clear: don't contact me if you don't really want to have a relationship like I've described? But I do know some of the answers to that: you read a whole profile once and get an impression of someone, and respond to the impression rather than the actual content. If I'm honest I don't even remember any content on Red's profile at all. Was there any?

Another possibility is that he got swept away in the moment with me, and then stepped back to ask himself what he was actually doing... and started retreating into himself when it felt too much to deal. Another possibility is that he's found someone else that's pulling his attention from me and just isn't saying so. A red flag on that is that he's just taken off the 'last seen' function on WhatsApp - something many men do when they don't want people to know they're chatting to other people at 'sexy hours' of the night.

I don't know what it is. But all I'm experienceing is a fading of our conversation. From intense and connected last Saturday, to wistful and sad on Sunday, to sexy hard-assed flirting and banter on Monday and Tuesday, factual communication on what we're each doing on Thursday and Friday, to nothing on Friday night. And nothing today. Just nothing.

And I suppose any self respecting woman would call it at this moment. A quick delete of his number, blocking of the WhatsApp, and a 'leave me alone you fucker: you don't deserve me' message. Because whatever the issue, wouldn't it have been just right and kind and gentlemanly even to just say what was happening?

But another part of me first wants the explanation and closure conversation, if that's what it is to be. Because I'm wondering why he's doing this. Are his hatches battoned down and walls up because he's trying to deal something in his own head that's happening that he hasn't told me about? Is it me? Was our intimate time together disappointing for him so he's no longer that interested in being with me? Is that why Charlie Harper disappeared too? Am I just too intense? Did I share too much of myself with him? Is my openness and vulnerability just too much for anyone to take? Am I shit at sex? Look funny? Smell funny? Just not attractive enough for him?  I don't think it's these things...but it could be, couldn't it?

Is it me? Is it him? Should I trust him to come back when he's ready to reconnect? Should I allow myself to be abandoned like this with no explanation? Should I be sending a message to him that says 'this isn't OK - I don't deserve this treatment'? Or just leave this conversation where it lies with him until he returns to pick it up? If he  returns.

And then I keep reminding myself that he's leaving his wife and family next weekend. He's moving out on a marriage that he's been in for almost 2 decades. His life is crumbling and he must be feeling terrible. And we all deal that kind of thing in different ways: I want to be there for him in this. He probably wants to deal it alone. He's being incredibly clumsy in how he's dealing me in that. But shouldn't I be cutting him some slack in this very very difficult time of his?

What do I want?

I want to see him this weekend. I want to have a conversation about all of this so I can understand what's happening and how to respond. I want him to want to help me understand. To try. And not to just discard me. And then I want us to work though what all this has been about and agree a way forward. Together. Apart. Semi together. Communication expectations. Connection expectations. Boundaries. Connection times.  I just want to know what's happeneing. I want a truthful face to face conversation.

I want to understand so I can decide whether to keep my heart open and give him the space to heal himself? Or close it up. Walk away. Nurse my sadness. Move on.

So I think I'm not going to chase this thing. I won't actually impact it positively in any way if I do. The healthiest thing for me to do is get on with my day. My weekend. My life. Spend time with my family. Bond with my girlfriends. Deliver the huge requirments I have at work. And not sit outside his cave waiting and hoping that he may emerge at some stage. He'll come. He won't come. I can't control that. And if he doesn't, then I guess I'll have to go back into nurturing this sore heart of mine.

I don't want to have to do that again. Not another heartbreak repeat. But also, I know the sore heart is about much more than Red. And holding this heart safe for me is what I need to really be doing. Holding you Trudy. Keeping you safe.

Friday, 17 July 2015

Holding on Gently

PMT day. Again I’m feeling raw and needy. I’m sitting at home alone, typing at my husband’s desk. It’s Thursday evening.

Yesterday Red told his wife he’s leaving her. That’s just hectic for him. And on this very huge day of his, he needed me to back the fuck off him so he could process all the stuff he’s going through. I tried my hardest to do that: just get on with my life and let him deal what he wanted to deal. I so wanted to be that girl that can just comfortably release her man to the space he needs.

15/07/2015, 4:58 AM - Trudy Green: Hey you. Happy morning
15/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: Morning.  Things are hectic this morning.  Will message when left the house
15/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: Good luck
15/07/2015, 8:21 AM - Trudy Green: Hey you. If you need a debrief coffee I can meet you at Mugg and Bean. Having an admin day most of today so flexible. 
15/07/2015, 8:52 AM - RED: What is a debrief coffee?  Sounds formal
15/07/2015, 8:52 AM - Trudy Green: Not formal
15/07/2015, 8:53 AM - Trudy Green: Hectic morning. .. Maybe you need to connect a bit before you hit work
15/07/2015, 8:53 AM - Trudy Green: You ok?
15/07/2015, 8:54 AM - RED: I have an 'angst' feeling all through my body.   Home, work, just trying to regroup and figure it out.  Stay with me but a might need some room to move today.
15/07/2015, 8:55 AM - Trudy Green: I'm here Red
15/07/2015, 8:56 AM - Trudy Green: And I can be there in 15.... No pressure
15/07/2015, 8:56 AM - Trudy Green: You want to call?
15/07/2015, 9:07 AM - RED: Just a little space this am
15/07/2015, 9:08 AM - Trudy Green: Sure
15/07/2015, 9:28 AM - RED: You’re too special
15/07/2015, 9:29 AM - Trudy Green: Missing you tho
15/07/2015, 9:29 AM - Trudy Green: But I'll suck it up 

I managed to leave him alone. Completely. It was so hard to do.

15/07/2015, 1:37 PM - RED: How's your admin day going
15/07/2015, 1:38 PM - Trudy Green: Oh god
15/07/2015, 1:38 PM - Trudy Green: Serious withdrawal from you
15/07/2015, 1:39 PM - Trudy Green: I'm in a coffee shop writing a proposal for a business that doesn't exist yet
15/07/2015, 1:39 PM - Trudy Green: How are you?
15/07/2015, 2:16 PM - RED: I'm getting better. Thanks for giving me the space.
15/07/2015, 2:18 PM - Trudy Green: Thanks for managing it with me so carefully
15/07/2015, 2:57 PM - RED: A bit overwhelmed at the moment with all the things happening.  Just need to step back a bit to take stock.
15/07/2015, 3:27 PM - Trudy Green: So of course my instinct is to rush in and surround you and hold you and listen to you and think things through with you... so I'm sitting on my hands because you need to do this by yourself. I do understand. And I respect the space you need. 
15/07/2015, 3:39 PM - RED: F... Ck.   Why do you say all the right things?
15/07/2015, 3:41 PM - RED: Friday is arranged.  Hope it is still OK for you.
15/07/2015, 3:41 PM - Trudy Green: Shew. That's brilliant news
15/07/2015, 3:42 PM - Trudy Green: Yes it’s ok for me
15/07/2015, 3:42 PM - RED: Cool.
15/07/2015, 3:44 PM - Trudy Green: #happydance

15/07/2015, 6:47 PM - RED: Thanks.   Had a pathetic talk with wife.  Not a talk at all, best I could do was tell her "I am planning to move out.  We will then deal with the rest later".  Her response was "oh ok".
15/07/2015, 6:47 PM - Trudy Green: Shew
15/07/2015, 6:49 PM - RED: Not proud of myself.   Also had estate agent phone today to ask me if I wanted to sell the house.  Bit of a reality fuck. I said no but gave her my details.  I will need to take this step.
15/07/2015, 6:51 PM - Trudy Green: This stuff is hard. And that makes it impossible to deliver flawlessly. It comes from a deep sore space. Clumsy in execution is to be expected.
15/07/2015, 6:51 PM - Trudy Green: Don't judge yourself harshly Red. You're dealing a lot
15/07/2015, 6:53 PM - RED: I am mindful of this
15/07/2015, 6:54 PM - Trudy Green: He learns fast
15/07/2015, 6:54 PM - RED: A lot to deal with and let go of.
15/07/2015, 6:57 PM - Trudy Green: And there's a big grieving part in that

But instead, I struggled like crazy. Crazy crazy. So much Narc abuse stuff had started pouring into me. I was convinced for a while that he was actually a lying cheat and was using this ‘space’ I was giving him to pursue another woman – that he asked me to back off so I wouldn’t be hounding him and disturbing him while he was spading someone else. Then his photo disappeared off WhatsApp and I thought that meant he had blocked me on WhatsApp – again…maybe to stop me busting in on another tryst with another woman. He hadn’t. But that took me a while to figure out.

And then I managed to soothe myself about that picture, reminding myself that this wasn’t John-the-Narc, and actually a gentle and honest man who actually liked me and wasn’t going to cheat on me. And that he was going through a really rough time and needed some space for that.

And then the next hole I fell into was that I had come on too strong for him. And that he was backing the fuck off me because I wasn’t giving him any space to breathe. That my neediness that comes out at the first hint of abandonment was going to send him running for the hills and that I had shown him too much of me. That I had made it too easy for him to access me. That my vulnerability was too overwhelming for him. All of this creating intense conversations in my head. All of this I’m determined to not let spill into his space. And then feeling lonely because I’m alone with these feelings.

I had sat on my hands for hours, just willing myself to leave him the fuck alone. And even though I was really really busy, I just couldn’t get him off my mind. Picking up the phone and checking it every few minutes in case I hadn’t heard a message come through. I was also dying to know what had gone down with him. Wanted to get in my car and rush across town and take him for coffee. Talk with him. Unpack with him. Soothe him. Rescue him from his pain. Telling myself the whole time that he’s a grown man who is wanting to deal this stuff alone for now. And that I need to respect that. And give him his space. And leave him alone. Little needy broken bird and my inner nurturing woman were both beside themselves though – just aching to go over there. I know the right thing for me to respond with to that is reassurance. Calm the broken little one. Tell her I’ll keep her safe and that everything is going to be ok. But I didn’t manage to do that very well. It felt like abandonment. It wasn’t. I know that. But it felt like it.

I guess this is part of my clumsy and slow healing process. I have progressed far enough to recognise my own triggers when they come up. To know the pain is generated inside me, and not at all by the person ‘out there’. This isn’t Red stuff. It’s mine. I get it. But I can’t really manage it yet. It’s all messy and hard and debilitating for me. It takes me out of the game for a while and my heart hurts like crazy. Projections and false thinking and pain and trauma all washing around in a cocktail of PMS hormones and I find it so difficult to find a kind and loving place for myself.

In the evening we finally began to connect again. We played a sexy WhatsApp chat game with each other (flip…he’s GOOD at that), and then moved into the logistics of our meetup on Friday night. And then I started sharing with him my yearning of having a profoundly deep sexual connection with him.

15/07/2015, 9:59 PM - RED: I would love to.   Not sure if I can at the moment.  Yesterday and today hit me hard.  Reality set in. I need to sort out my shit.   I want you around but I might not be able or capable of committing to the level you want.
15/07/2015, 10:00 PM - Trudy Green: Shew.  I really want to understand more about what happened
15/07/2015, 10:01 PM - Trudy Green: But I'm not asking for any commitment that you can't do
15/07/2015, 10:01 PM - Trudy Green: I know the year you're about to have
15/07/2015, 10:01 PM - Trudy Green: I know the risk I run is being your rebound or transition relationship
15/07/2015, 10:02 PM - Trudy Green: I'm fragile too.
15/07/2015, 10:02 PM - RED: Nothing new happened.  I just knew I had to tell my wife.   The realisation was that the dominoes would fall.   No more delaying or going back.
15/07/2015, 10:03 PM - Trudy Green: I think we will bring each other some joy and comfort in tough times
15/07/2015, 10:03 PM - Trudy Green: So a lot happened. Inside you
15/07/2015, 10:04 PM - RED: Yes, it’s good to have you around.  I might run when feeling overwhelmed or pushed into a corner.
15/07/2015, 10:04 PM - Trudy Green: I'll try not to push
15/07/2015, 10:06 PM - Trudy Green: Just be kind and honest with me please.
15/07/2015, 10:07 PM - RED: You’re happy to go down the Zambezi on a tomato box boat and take all the rapids as they come.  I will want to stop a lot and hold back.
15/07/2015, 10:09 PM - Trudy Green: If I trust the Zambezi. And the tomato box.
15/07/2015, 10:09 PM - Trudy Green: But I hear you
15/07/2015, 10:13 PM - Trudy Green: I'm serious about that honesty bit though, Red. I have been so deceived in the past few years that it has become my biggest fear. Of being gullible and trusting and being lied to. You feel like an honest man to me. Which is why I'm here. But if I'm lied to, I'll be gone.
15/07/2015, 10:13 PM - Trudy Green: I can deal anything so long as it's the truth
15/07/2015, 10:22 PM - RED: I like you a lot.  That's the truth.  Can I get in a boat and down a river at full speed and let the water take over. No. I want to stop and sit on the bank to see if I am doing the right thing.  I can't go down another river and make another mistake. You need to know this. So be aware that I could stop at a bank any time.
15/07/2015, 10:23 PM - Trudy Green: Makes sense Red
15/07/2015, 10:23 PM - Trudy Green: What would that look like for me?
15/07/2015, 10:26 PM - RED: You sensed it last night.  And gave me the space.  The challenge for you is not trying to force me back on the boat too quickly.  But you might get frustrated and give up on me.
15/07/2015, 10:27 PM - Trudy Green: Hmmm....You're right about the challenge for me
15/07/2015, 10:28 PM - Trudy Green: But if you are able to help me understand what's happening I should be able to play in the boat by myself for a while
15/07/2015, 10:29 PM - Trudy Green: I do want to be that girl who is cool with that. Your introverted stuff will always need solitary recharge time.
15/07/2015, 10:31 PM - Trudy Green: I have such an insatiable need to rush in and fix. It's a real labour of love to hold back.
15/07/2015, 10:31 PM - Trudy Green: For me I mean.  For me to hold back
15/07/2015, 10:32 PM - RED: I see that.  I appreciate it and need the help.  I though tend to push away if overwhelmed or pushed into a corner.
15/07/2015, 10:34 PM - Trudy Green: Ok. Try tell me if I push you there please

He seems like a really kind and emotionally mature and aware guy. And he’s telling me clearly and truthfully where he’s at. But even through that, I start to feel pushed away and rejected a bit. And I know he’s trying to tell me gently at some level to just move back a bit. That he is overwhelmed and needing space to sort himself out. And in my grownup space I get that. But so much of me is actually 5. And 5 year old me really doesn’t want to yield any space. Wants to rail against the gentle push away and crawl up into his lap and beg to be held and protected and cherished. And I need to hold her and protect her. And not try to give the baby away to him again. He’s probably the guy most likely to be able to hold the baby that I’ve met, but I’m trying to do it while he himself is hanging on by a thread while his life crumbles around him. I cannot push him to rescue me. Just stand near him and let us both support each other to the best of our abilities.

I tossed and turned all night, trying to distract myself from my spiraling thoughts and pain with podcasts that would take my mind into other places. But by the morning, I could feel a lot of pain and sadness creeping in around my edges. Old pain. Triggered by his need for space and distance. His healthy need to protect himself a bit with distance created my needy abandonment stuff. Sore. Hard. Natural. I forced myself to not contact him first thing in the morning. Leave him alone a bit. Give him the space to feel like he missed me enough to get in touch again.


16/07/2015, 7:13 AM - RED: Morning you
16/07/2015, 7:14 AM - Trudy Green: Hey!
16/07/2015, 7:15 AM - RED: Hey
16/07/2015, 7:15 AM - Trudy Green: I'm struggling a bit this morn
16/07/2015, 7:16 AM - RED: Oh no.   What's up?  Sore, tired, other
16/07/2015, 7:16 AM - Trudy Green: No. Just our conversation last night
16/07/2015, 7:17 AM - Trudy Green: Hit a vulnerable button for me
16/07/2015, 7:17 AM - RED: Research shows, sky news, if you on your phone more than an hour a day,  then you are depressed.

(He’s not being an ass here: we’re just both typing simultaneously, as one does on WhatsApp sometimes. So there is a tough conversation and a playful one happening simultaneously)

16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: Now they talking about mindfulness
16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - Trudy Green: Oh. I'm only on, like, 16 hours. ...
16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: But to you.  What was the button.
16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: You 16x more depressed than the average woman
16/07/2015, 7:19 AM - Trudy Green: Feeling like I've shown too much. Been too much. Like I should have been more circumspect and careful in how I've engaged with you
16/07/2015, 7:19 AM - Trudy Green: My shit
16/07/2015, 7:19 AM - Trudy Green: Triggered by your shit
16/07/2015, 7:22 AM - RED: Apologies, did not mean to hurt you.   Want to chat or do you need space
16/07/2015, 7:22 AM - Trudy Green: Of course you didn't mean to
16/07/2015, 7:22 AM - Trudy Green: You just told your truth. I'm telling you mine
16/07/2015, 7:23 AM - Trudy Green: I'd love to chat. But on Friday. When we have time. And you can hold me. And I can hold you back
16/07/2015, 7:23 AM - Trudy Green: And I really really need you to hold me.
16/07/2015, 7:24 AM - Trudy Green: And such is my demon that even telling you that feels dangerous and hard. ..
16/07/2015, 7:24 AM - RED: That would be good
16/07/2015, 7:25 AM - RED: What is your main demon?
16/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: Fear of abandonment.
16/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: That's the headline
16/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: What's yours?
16/07/2015, 7:28 AM - RED: Withdrawing into my self
16/07/2015, 7:28 AM - Trudy Green: Which happens because of what fear?
16/07/2015, 7:29 AM - RED: Not sure, I need to figure this out.
16/07/2015, 7:30 AM - Trudy Green: Yup. I have the words because of my year of therapy. ....
16/07/2015, 7:30 AM - Trudy Green: I'm going to shower: family dispatched. ... House to myself for a bit
16/07/2015, 7:32 AM - Trudy Green: I'm going to try and manage myself kindly and bravely with this. I'm suddenly afraid. And afraid to say I'm afraid. My heart is very afraid of being broken again. And part of me wants to run like hell.
16/07/2015, 7:32 AM - RED: Should I come over and join you
16/07/2015, 7:33 AM - Trudy Green: Would love that
16/07/2015, 7:33 AM - Trudy Green: Although I have the tiniest shower in the world. ..
16/07/2015, 7:34 AM - RED: That's the best.   Just thinking about taking you up against the wall.

And so descends the conversation into playful sexiness again.
It’s night time now. The day is past and Red is out with his daughter for dinner. I tried to call him in the day. He didn’t take my call. He was out driving alone. But didn’t feel the need to call me. I must really try to find my peace about this. I met this man less than two weeks ago. We like each other. His marriage is crashing around him. I’m just in recovery. We’re not soul mates. Yet.

I’m lonely. And sad. I miss him terribly. But I also know that this missing is not about him. Once again I have found somewhere to place that childhood yearning for my absent dad. Abandonment. Loneliness that comes from a lifetime of being lonely. Yearning that comes from dealing stuff alone always. It’s natural. I must love myself better on this one. 

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

A New Dance Partner?

I haven’t been writing. You may have noticed. Something in me just switched off for a while and writing was suddenly no longer part of my daily ritual. Part of that is because I’m getting more and more busily involved in the sales and expansion of the company, so writing time feels like a luxury. And part is about being a bit mute emotionally. Where I’m not in that hectic outpouring space any more, but more thoughtful. Internally focussed. But with no words.

That’s not really healthy for me though. I do know that. My writing here on this blog has been such a very important personal outlet for my pain and fear, and I really shouldn’t allow myself to lapse on it. And, as I’m writing, I also realise that I am a bit afraid about my privacy being violated here. In the process of corporatizing my company as part of the greater company, we have all had new laptops set up, inside the corporate umbrella of the big company. I have this weird feeling that every keystroke of mine can be observed by some IT dude somewhere in the world (they can get into my computer and repair it from there, so why shouldn’t they be able to track me from there?). That this laptop is no longer mine, but belongs to the company, and that I shouldn’t really be using it for personal stuff.
SO maybe that’s another problem to solve – I need my own personal writing device, so that I can be fully safe in everything I write, and that the location of this blog will never be found in any historical URL search my employers would conduct.

Right this moment I’m sitting in the middle of Madikwe Game Reserve. I’m on a weekend safari. I came here all by myself (although the owner is a friend), and have just been savouring the peace and quiet of the bush and the Game Drives out into the wilderness to see wild lions and hyenas and elephants etc. in their natural state. So good for my soul! And coffee on my mate’s lodge balcony, chatting and bonding about all sorts of things…this too has been beautiful!

And soon I will be getting into my car and driving back to Johannesburg. And there eagerly awaits a new Man..who has invited me to drinks at his home. Red, I call him. An online dating man.  He feels like a kind and good man. He’s enthusiastic about being with me, doesn’t play cat and mouse with his feelings, and seems to be the kind of man that I usually just walk past without noticing. Because he’s not my usual type – the imposing, unavailable, manipulative personality disordered men that draw me like a moth to the fire, but rather the type that seems real and open and present and caring and who I then normally dismiss without a thought.

So this time my question to myself is: can I stay the distance? Have I healed myself enough to be able to receive the care and love I think he wants to give me without running a mile because my inner fiver-year-old cannot tolerate actually receiving the love she so craves?