Saturday, 17 October 2015
I bought a book at little bookstore on the corner (Essays in Love by Alain de Botton) and have had a beautiful couple of hours here by myself. Having a delicious meal, some flourless chocolate cake and a magnificent coffee.
I'm happy. So so happy.
Because in about 21 hours time, Riverman lands in this same town as me, and we are going to have the most beautiful night together. I know it.
How can I be so very sure., having not yet sampled the 'delights of the human flesh' with him before? Well, mostly, I just know. And also, because when he kissed me on the park bench on our first, 'kissing date', I could feel that our's is going to be that beautiful, sensual, soulful lovemaking that I know is possible, but had to begun to despair at finding.
When we kissed, we really kissed. Kissing in all it's flavours: I'm happy to meet you again kissing; I want to taste you more kissing; you bring out the tenderness in me kissing, the barely restrained edge of I want to ravish you kissing, I will kiss you again now because I can't get enough of you kissing, and, my personal favourite, the I want to climb onto your lap, wrap myself completely around you, and lose myself in you kissing...that kissing when even fully clothed, you feel like you're defenceless, vulnerable, sexy and naked. Just two souls, breathing each other in and experiencing the nearness of each other for the very first time. The warmth of the morning sun. The wind that blew too much. The coffee that tasted just magical because it was drunk in that space of heightened awareness and strong sexual desire..where everything is just more vivid. And the smiling. Couldn't stop smiling. And the looking. Into his blue blue eyes. Losing myself.
This man and I have spent hours and hours talking and texting. Sharing our stories. Hearing each others thoughts. Defining ourselves to one another with words that are not actually enough to hold what's happening to us.
I think I already love him. I think he may already love me too. We have not said so, because we're adults. In the middle of our lives. And know that saying those things would make us seem naive. Presumptuous. I don't know...that something like that is too premature. That this is not the time to say. Even though both of us are absolutely awestruck that we have found each other.
But life is real. And complicated. His wife lands today. And he will be confronted with the reality of a situation that he needs to hold and honour. Even though his intimate life with her is many years in the past, she will not deal the idea of an open marriage easily. He needs to feel who she is when she returns now, and then decide how he will manage the way forward with her. He may tell her about me, he may not. He may bring her to the point where she can contemplate a relationship where he has his emotional and intimacy needs met outside his home, or he may decide that it is kinder to protect her from the truth. Not my marriage. Not mine to control in any way. Somehow, this feels ok to me. He will do his best by her, and he will love me. In fact he will love us both - just in very different ways.
And no - even though I can feel these very delicous feelings of new love, and lust, and deep, soulful attraction to this man - I'm not changing my position on the fact that I want this precious time with him to exist outside of my current life. Even though my husband and children already know he exists, I still want to be able to find him in escape places. Coffee on a park bench. Hotel rooms on business trips, stolen magical moments rather than mundane domesticity. I think it will keep this space alive and magical for us for a long time. So we can both experience this side of ourselves that is sexy, playful, adventurous and capable of incredible soulful connection and sensual exploration.
I now know, for sure, how very rarely in ones' life one comes across a connection as wonderful as this. I have no idea what life will throw at us, or whether this is a short season or a love that will last away the decades. And yet, I have decided, I will hold nothing back with this person. I will see him. And let myself be seen. And love him wholeheartedly with my body and my heart and my mind. And when it ends...because, I already I know that these things do that eventually, I will take the pain of it ending with the joy that it is creating in my life.
It's already worth it.
Tuesday, 6 October 2015
He's here. This elusive 'Man' that I've been seeking. The one I thought I'd found with each of the misses that I've had over the past 18 months or so as I've waded through the layers and layers of work that I needed to do before I would even recognise him.
He's been on Ashley Madison for a few years. I've glossed over his picture lots of times, never clicking on it because it broke my rules - was a picture of a guy's torso. No head. In a T-shirt. Nice build. But My Rules said that he wasn't bringing himself to this space properly so I would not invest. Eliminate from my process because, like the dick shots and the international sex chatters, I assumed all sorts of things about him that weren't true.
But then, for whatever reason, I did click on him. And his challenge to me was: 'Don't be that girl who sits and waits for invitations to pour into your inbox...if you like my profile, contact me, and let's see if it's worth investing'..or something.
So he is Riverman from my previous blog. We slowly and tentatively picked up our conversation over the weekend and have spent the most glorious week getting to know each other, albeit via cyberspace. He headed out to take his kids on holiday and has been in a Utopianesque space of being able to focus on just his kids. And me. And a little work here and there. And post my 'Tender' days, I've been giving myself the slack to just catch my breath a bit before I hit the road running with serious hard work again.
And so we've both had the headspace to just be with each other. And it has been just so very lovely! The metaphor of the Ashley Madison picture being off my radar would have been true to this man in real life if I'd met him there first. I have not been ready to see a man like this until now.
He's strong. Emotionally solid. Not swaggering or roguish like the men I am usually drawn to. He is passionate. Honest. Takes emotional risks and puts himself out there like I do. Before I do. He embraces my emotional oversharing, and is interested in what I have to tell. My stories. My challenges. My struggle. It's not boring or overwhelming for him...just intriguing. I feel seen. And I feel allowed to be me. I am not holding back on my emotional overshares that I'm famous for. I'm letting him just see me. It's safe enough. He's not judging me. Or trying to close me down. Or running like crazy from my disclosures. I've met someone who actually really gives a shit about this stuff of mine. And tolerates my darkness. Because he is already conversant with his own.
We have spent hours talking and texting...telling each other our stories...confessing our secrets...sharing our passions...having the most connecting, sexy, inspiring cybersex I could ever imagine.
Each day has brought new levels of exposure, vulnerability, trust, connection...and my heart feels so very full of joy at this connection. New Relationship Energy abounds and it feels heady and rich and beautiful.
And in his presence I am feeling beautiful. I'm taking selfies when he asks (and sometimes when he doesn't). And framing myself in a way in those pictures that even I am seeing a beauty in myself that I haven't seen before. There's one. We both call it 'Boudoir Babe'. I took it in my bed one morning - naked, but with the sheets just beautifuly draped around me. I'm looking wistfully up at the camera. It captures a mood and a space that I would have loved to be in...and I am. Because she is me. He's deleted all the other, much more revealing and sexy shots I've sent him, for safety's sake. But, he said today, he can't bring himself to delete Boudoir Babe.
I've shared with him some of my earlier blogs on my challenges with feeling beautiful. How it was sad and lost with Hubby, How John the Narc helped me find the goddess, but then his whole premise turned out to be a lie. How I've struggled to keep her in me through all these months of brutal trial and error with all the other men I've spent time with. And he has simply responded with enthusiastic passion, heartfelt affirmation, and raw desire to my photos, sexiness, and playful teasing.
So I'm happy. In fact. I'm going to say this. Today I am the happiest I have felt since I started writing this blog! How interesting that I am able to be here, after being in deep sadness just a short 2 weeks ago!
I'm not ignoring reality on this. God knows, I am a veteran of rugs being pulled out under me, abandonment, ghosting, and bitter disappointment. There's a huge risk that Riverman walks away from me. He has to go back home and figure out how to work this with his family. His situation isn't explicit. His wife may be too depressed and emotionally unable to tolerate the truth. He may need to hide this situation from her forever. Will he be able to? Will his guilt outweigh his joy? Unknowns. Uncontrollables. If that happens, I think I will be more heartbroken than I have been at any time in the past 18months.
But I'm going to take the chance. Because I've used up my Sadness allocation for a bit. It's time for some joyful connection. Passionate sex. Soulful being.
For however long this season lasts.