Monday, 19 January 2015

Is this PMT or am I not keeping my Shit together again?

As of yesterday I'm no longer in that happy, post-coital bliss space where nobody can touch me. I'm actually feeling a bit lost and lonely again. I'm trying to tell myself to hold on a few days - I'm naturally exhausted after a full month on the road and 3 different countries, new job, and lack of sleep. I should be forgiving myself for not being in the most buoyant of moods. But things are under my skin anyway, and I'm just PISSED OFF!

I've moved back home with my husband and children. I see my motorbike helmet and jacket are nowhere to be found. Which means my husband has left them at girlfriend's house. Without fucking asking me. After I told him before it pisses me off! I have met a lot of men who have bikes. One of them will ask me for a ride soon. Then I'll want my stuff and I'll get it back smelling like HER! And even though I like her, its NOT the POINT. It's MY shit. And I WANT it! It's BAD ENOUGH he comes home reeking of her.

And I think the least my conference shag, Bush Man, could do, is find me on Facebook and send me a thankyou for a delicious couple of days... suddenly the silence is deafening! And even though I don't mind whether I see him again or not, just some sort of little connect would be the gentlemanly thing to do, right?

And then there's Berlin. I'm so fucking conflicted about Berlin I could scream! He's in. He's out. Hot. Cold. I know he told me he feels no 'butterflies' with me. I suppose in his mind we're now mates, and that's it. And somewhere in my mind I'm still nursing that little hope that there is more to us, and that he'll see that soon. So this 'hope' part is completely in my head. I know that. And because of that I expect all sorts of stuff from him that isn't forthcoming. And then I just get pissed at him. I want more from him. He's right. I do. And I can't figure whether that's because I'm lonely, or because I'm sure he's real relationship potential for me. All those feelings just sit in the same spot and I'm not filtering them well. For now, I think, I am just backing off on the text message relationship we have where he sends me one message and I respond with 10! He's busy too. But I don't believe busy is a good enough reason to not connect. Like my little 'he's just not that into you' collection of sayings on Pinterest remind me, if he wanted to be a part of my life, he would work his ass off to make that happen! 

So I'm pissed off. Back at the office for the first time in over a month. Starting the day with a speeding fine that's come in for John-the-Narc off the car that he's driving that is STILL IN MY NAME!

Ugh. I really hope a lot of this is PMT. Because I would hate to have to face the fact that THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE!


  1. i know
    i feel what you feel in different war

    1. Yes. I hope you have healed a bit from then?