Tuesday, 11 August 2015

It's a Heartache

I'm in the Madikwe again. My mate with a Game Lodge had a free bed for the weekend so I just got in my car! It's a beautiful Eco Lodge with no game fences, so the big five are free to wander through the camp at any time. This morning we're holed up in the lounge because we've just seen a huge male lion in the camp looking for water. I'm pinching myself that I can actually just do that - get in my car and watch this magnificent creature in the African Bush!  Magical!

I'm still carrying my bruised heart around with me, trying hard to hold it gently and work through the sadness of Red's exit. I'm having conversations in my head wth him, cross with him for leaving. Cross he let me open to him, and then closed himself so very finally to me. By WhatsApp. Really! I keep imagining how I would respond if he came back to me at some stage. Do I rebuke him because, fuck! Who does that to someone?? Or do I give him a chance to win me back because I do understand actually why he closed down and disappeared to focus on ending his marriage, moving out and dealing his kids.

As I got to Madikwe yesterday, my car radio was playing that old Bonnie Tyler song, ' It's a Heartache'. Shew. I can't imagine how many times I've sung along to that song and not really taken in their lesson:

'It aint wise to need someone, as much as I've depended on.....You'

I think I keep on making the mistake of assuming that everyone feels the intense stuff I do. And not really understanding how they can easily walk away after feeling what I feel. But I think what I feel does have a lot to do with my own wounding. The co-dependant, needy, clingy stuff that is awakened in me at the slightest hint of connection is not what everybody goes through. The addiction stuff that rears up at the first taste of 'Sugar' is something that people like me suffer. For us, walking away like that would be almost impossible. Instead, we hang around, craving any crumb that may fall from the table, hoping that soon there will be more.

And the opposite of this clingy needy addiction is 'cutoff'. A complete closedown of all communication because it is a final desperate attempt at self protection. We assume that because you leave, you don't want us at all, because we're somehow undesireable. And that hurts like hell. Even if it's completely untrue!

So I keep fantasising about the message I'll send Red on 1 September, 1 month after our last WhatsApp conversation. It says something like "1 month no contact? I guess that means you really are the guy who dumped me by WhatsApp! Wow."

And because I'm so very fked up about how these things usually go, I have no idea whether this is a really good idea or a really bad one. I think I'm hoping it shames him into contacting me again and setting up a coffee for that deeper conversation; lets him know that I'm still up for something, even though it's rather negative. Or maybe a more positive contact is better: 'Hey you! How's the whole Bachelor Life treating you?' And that feels less needy and more tough. But doesn't it hide all this really sore process I'm going through, waiting for him to make good on his promise? Aren't I just hiding this emo part of me so he'll like me more and come back?

You see? Lots and lots of co-dependent stuff still oozing through me...I can't shake the thoughts that I am the reason he left, even though he was so very explicit that he needed to do this thing alone! I keep believing that I just wasn't good enough for him, and haven't done enough to 'Earn' his love.  This is the core stuff that I still need to heal more in myself, before I can truly engage with someone in relationship again.

If I don't, I'm going to be Narc Bait. And we all know how that ends...

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