Tuesday, 6 October 2015
Oh there you are!
He's here. This elusive 'Man' that I've been seeking. The one I thought I'd found with each of the misses that I've had over the past 18 months or so as I've waded through the layers and layers of work that I needed to do before I would even recognise him.
He's been on Ashley Madison for a few years. I've glossed over his picture lots of times, never clicking on it because it broke my rules - was a picture of a guy's torso. No head. In a T-shirt. Nice build. But My Rules said that he wasn't bringing himself to this space properly so I would not invest. Eliminate from my process because, like the dick shots and the international sex chatters, I assumed all sorts of things about him that weren't true.
But then, for whatever reason, I did click on him. And his challenge to me was: 'Don't be that girl who sits and waits for invitations to pour into your inbox...if you like my profile, contact me, and let's see if it's worth investing'..or something.
So he is Riverman from my previous blog. We slowly and tentatively picked up our conversation over the weekend and have spent the most glorious week getting to know each other, albeit via cyberspace. He headed out to take his kids on holiday and has been in a Utopianesque space of being able to focus on just his kids. And me. And a little work here and there. And post my 'Tender' days, I've been giving myself the slack to just catch my breath a bit before I hit the road running with serious hard work again.
And so we've both had the headspace to just be with each other. And it has been just so very lovely! The metaphor of the Ashley Madison picture being off my radar would have been true to this man in real life if I'd met him there first. I have not been ready to see a man like this until now.
He's strong. Emotionally solid. Not swaggering or roguish like the men I am usually drawn to. He is passionate. Honest. Takes emotional risks and puts himself out there like I do. Before I do. He embraces my emotional oversharing, and is interested in what I have to tell. My stories. My challenges. My struggle. It's not boring or overwhelming for him...just intriguing. I feel seen. And I feel allowed to be me. I am not holding back on my emotional overshares that I'm famous for. I'm letting him just see me. It's safe enough. He's not judging me. Or trying to close me down. Or running like crazy from my disclosures. I've met someone who actually really gives a shit about this stuff of mine. And tolerates my darkness. Because he is already conversant with his own.
We have spent hours talking and texting...telling each other our stories...confessing our secrets...sharing our passions...having the most connecting, sexy, inspiring cybersex I could ever imagine.
Each day has brought new levels of exposure, vulnerability, trust, connection...and my heart feels so very full of joy at this connection. New Relationship Energy abounds and it feels heady and rich and beautiful.
And in his presence I am feeling beautiful. I'm taking selfies when he asks (and sometimes when he doesn't). And framing myself in a way in those pictures that even I am seeing a beauty in myself that I haven't seen before. There's one. We both call it 'Boudoir Babe'. I took it in my bed one morning - naked, but with the sheets just beautifuly draped around me. I'm looking wistfully up at the camera. It captures a mood and a space that I would have loved to be in...and I am. Because she is me. He's deleted all the other, much more revealing and sexy shots I've sent him, for safety's sake. But, he said today, he can't bring himself to delete Boudoir Babe.
I've shared with him some of my earlier blogs on my challenges with feeling beautiful. How it was sad and lost with Hubby, How John the Narc helped me find the goddess, but then his whole premise turned out to be a lie. How I've struggled to keep her in me through all these months of brutal trial and error with all the other men I've spent time with. And he has simply responded with enthusiastic passion, heartfelt affirmation, and raw desire to my photos, sexiness, and playful teasing.
So I'm happy. In fact. I'm going to say this. Today I am the happiest I have felt since I started writing this blog! How interesting that I am able to be here, after being in deep sadness just a short 2 weeks ago!
I'm not ignoring reality on this. God knows, I am a veteran of rugs being pulled out under me, abandonment, ghosting, and bitter disappointment. There's a huge risk that Riverman walks away from me. He has to go back home and figure out how to work this with his family. His situation isn't explicit. His wife may be too depressed and emotionally unable to tolerate the truth. He may need to hide this situation from her forever. Will he be able to? Will his guilt outweigh his joy? Unknowns. Uncontrollables. If that happens, I think I will be more heartbroken than I have been at any time in the past 18months.
But I'm going to take the chance. Because I've used up my Sadness allocation for a bit. It's time for some joyful connection. Passionate sex. Soulful being.
For however long this season lasts.