Saturday, 17 October 2015
More than just a Kiss on a Park Bench
I bought a book at little bookstore on the corner (Essays in Love by Alain de Botton) and have had a beautiful couple of hours here by myself. Having a delicious meal, some flourless chocolate cake and a magnificent coffee.
I'm happy. So so happy.
Because in about 21 hours time, Riverman lands in this same town as me, and we are going to have the most beautiful night together. I know it.
How can I be so very sure., having not yet sampled the 'delights of the human flesh' with him before? Well, mostly, I just know. And also, because when he kissed me on the park bench on our first, 'kissing date', I could feel that our's is going to be that beautiful, sensual, soulful lovemaking that I know is possible, but had to begun to despair at finding.
When we kissed, we really kissed. Kissing in all it's flavours: I'm happy to meet you again kissing; I want to taste you more kissing; you bring out the tenderness in me kissing, the barely restrained edge of I want to ravish you kissing, I will kiss you again now because I can't get enough of you kissing, and, my personal favourite, the I want to climb onto your lap, wrap myself completely around you, and lose myself in you kissing...that kissing when even fully clothed, you feel like you're defenceless, vulnerable, sexy and naked. Just two souls, breathing each other in and experiencing the nearness of each other for the very first time. The warmth of the morning sun. The wind that blew too much. The coffee that tasted just magical because it was drunk in that space of heightened awareness and strong sexual desire..where everything is just more vivid. And the smiling. Couldn't stop smiling. And the looking. Into his blue blue eyes. Losing myself.
This man and I have spent hours and hours talking and texting. Sharing our stories. Hearing each others thoughts. Defining ourselves to one another with words that are not actually enough to hold what's happening to us.
I think I already love him. I think he may already love me too. We have not said so, because we're adults. In the middle of our lives. And know that saying those things would make us seem naive. Presumptuous. I don't know...that something like that is too premature. That this is not the time to say. Even though both of us are absolutely awestruck that we have found each other.
But life is real. And complicated. His wife lands today. And he will be confronted with the reality of a situation that he needs to hold and honour. Even though his intimate life with her is many years in the past, she will not deal the idea of an open marriage easily. He needs to feel who she is when she returns now, and then decide how he will manage the way forward with her. He may tell her about me, he may not. He may bring her to the point where she can contemplate a relationship where he has his emotional and intimacy needs met outside his home, or he may decide that it is kinder to protect her from the truth. Not my marriage. Not mine to control in any way. Somehow, this feels ok to me. He will do his best by her, and he will love me. In fact he will love us both - just in very different ways.
And no - even though I can feel these very delicous feelings of new love, and lust, and deep, soulful attraction to this man - I'm not changing my position on the fact that I want this precious time with him to exist outside of my current life. Even though my husband and children already know he exists, I still want to be able to find him in escape places. Coffee on a park bench. Hotel rooms on business trips, stolen magical moments rather than mundane domesticity. I think it will keep this space alive and magical for us for a long time. So we can both experience this side of ourselves that is sexy, playful, adventurous and capable of incredible soulful connection and sensual exploration.
I now know, for sure, how very rarely in ones' life one comes across a connection as wonderful as this. I have no idea what life will throw at us, or whether this is a short season or a love that will last away the decades. And yet, I have decided, I will hold nothing back with this person. I will see him. And let myself be seen. And love him wholeheartedly with my body and my heart and my mind. And when it ends...because, I already I know that these things do that eventually, I will take the pain of it ending with the joy that it is creating in my life.
It's already worth it.