Saturday, 25 July 2015

Have I Done it Again?

Red feels gone. One week ago this morning we were kissing goodbye in his driveway after a lovely intimate and connected night together. I left with lightness and joy in my heart. I felt that I had chosen well and that this would be a rich and lovely path we would walk together.

But our conversation in this week has been about him withdrawing. First with words. Telling me he's in too much of a crazy space for him to be with me without hurting me. Saying he can't give me what I want - that I need immersion into his life and he needs to be separate for a while.

I took that to mean we were done, and began to sadly prepare myself to leave him behind me. But when I told him that, he said he doesn't want me to go. That he wanted me around but just wasn't sure how that would look. I said I think I should be forming what I wanted out of the relationship or I would run the risk of prezelling myself into any form he required of me and becoming sad and resentful because I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship.

So he asked me what I wanted. I went back to my profile on Ashley Madison and resent him my profile description:

I'm in a consenting open marriage. I want an actual relationship with a man who will enjoy exploring this life phase with me. My dream mate is clever. Successful. Soulful. Sexy. Healthy. Strong. Kind. Funny. Solid.I have lived life and learned stuff. I value wisdom and lifelong learning. I'm a curious thinker about the human condition. I write. I read. I work out (within reason). And I run a company. And a family. I want soulful connection and hot sex! Sometimes at the same time! An intimate life companion without the domestic ordinary that comes with marriage and kids. A place to escape sometimes and be this other part of me. I'm not into just a casual one shag thing. .. Although I know you have to start somewhere. ... so if you have no intention of lingering for a while and investing in a real connected relationship. ... please don't contact me. I'm the real deal and I don't enjoy being with men who would be flighty with my heart. Love Scammers that trawl this site: stay the fk away from me. I know your game and I'm not interested in playing. You'll be wasting your time with me.
My turn ons
Strong. Sexy. Solid. Knows his own mind. Kind. Funny. Clever
I'm looking for
reading. bush time. walking. sunday morning coffee and breakfast. I'm not really into pecker shots and online sex chats with strangers. I'd prefer actual real relationships with real people. So NO to international sex chatters please.

As  I read this again I realised how very clear I had been in this description for muself. And I felt sad that he was here with me but not really responding to my need. Like I'd been clear: don't contact me if you don't really want to have a relationship like I've described? But I do know some of the answers to that: you read a whole profile once and get an impression of someone, and respond to the impression rather than the actual content. If I'm honest I don't even remember any content on Red's profile at all. Was there any?

Another possibility is that he got swept away in the moment with me, and then stepped back to ask himself what he was actually doing... and started retreating into himself when it felt too much to deal. Another possibility is that he's found someone else that's pulling his attention from me and just isn't saying so. A red flag on that is that he's just taken off the 'last seen' function on WhatsApp - something many men do when they don't want people to know they're chatting to other people at 'sexy hours' of the night.

I don't know what it is. But all I'm experienceing is a fading of our conversation. From intense and connected last Saturday, to wistful and sad on Sunday, to sexy hard-assed flirting and banter on Monday and Tuesday, factual communication on what we're each doing on Thursday and Friday, to nothing on Friday night. And nothing today. Just nothing.

And I suppose any self respecting woman would call it at this moment. A quick delete of his number, blocking of the WhatsApp, and a 'leave me alone you fucker: you don't deserve me' message. Because whatever the issue, wouldn't it have been just right and kind and gentlemanly even to just say what was happening?

But another part of me first wants the explanation and closure conversation, if that's what it is to be. Because I'm wondering why he's doing this. Are his hatches battoned down and walls up because he's trying to deal something in his own head that's happening that he hasn't told me about? Is it me? Was our intimate time together disappointing for him so he's no longer that interested in being with me? Is that why Charlie Harper disappeared too? Am I just too intense? Did I share too much of myself with him? Is my openness and vulnerability just too much for anyone to take? Am I shit at sex? Look funny? Smell funny? Just not attractive enough for him?  I don't think it's these things...but it could be, couldn't it?

Is it me? Is it him? Should I trust him to come back when he's ready to reconnect? Should I allow myself to be abandoned like this with no explanation? Should I be sending a message to him that says 'this isn't OK - I don't deserve this treatment'? Or just leave this conversation where it lies with him until he returns to pick it up? If he  returns.

And then I keep reminding myself that he's leaving his wife and family next weekend. He's moving out on a marriage that he's been in for almost 2 decades. His life is crumbling and he must be feeling terrible. And we all deal that kind of thing in different ways: I want to be there for him in this. He probably wants to deal it alone. He's being incredibly clumsy in how he's dealing me in that. But shouldn't I be cutting him some slack in this very very difficult time of his?

What do I want?

I want to see him this weekend. I want to have a conversation about all of this so I can understand what's happening and how to respond. I want him to want to help me understand. To try. And not to just discard me. And then I want us to work though what all this has been about and agree a way forward. Together. Apart. Semi together. Communication expectations. Connection expectations. Boundaries. Connection times.  I just want to know what's happeneing. I want a truthful face to face conversation.

I want to understand so I can decide whether to keep my heart open and give him the space to heal himself? Or close it up. Walk away. Nurse my sadness. Move on.

So I think I'm not going to chase this thing. I won't actually impact it positively in any way if I do. The healthiest thing for me to do is get on with my day. My weekend. My life. Spend time with my family. Bond with my girlfriends. Deliver the huge requirments I have at work. And not sit outside his cave waiting and hoping that he may emerge at some stage. He'll come. He won't come. I can't control that. And if he doesn't, then I guess I'll have to go back into nurturing this sore heart of mine.

I don't want to have to do that again. Not another heartbreak repeat. But also, I know the sore heart is about much more than Red. And holding this heart safe for me is what I need to really be doing. Holding you Trudy. Keeping you safe.

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