Wednesday, 15 July 2015

A New Dance Partner?

I haven’t been writing. You may have noticed. Something in me just switched off for a while and writing was suddenly no longer part of my daily ritual. Part of that is because I’m getting more and more busily involved in the sales and expansion of the company, so writing time feels like a luxury. And part is about being a bit mute emotionally. Where I’m not in that hectic outpouring space any more, but more thoughtful. Internally focussed. But with no words.

That’s not really healthy for me though. I do know that. My writing here on this blog has been such a very important personal outlet for my pain and fear, and I really shouldn’t allow myself to lapse on it. And, as I’m writing, I also realise that I am a bit afraid about my privacy being violated here. In the process of corporatizing my company as part of the greater company, we have all had new laptops set up, inside the corporate umbrella of the big company. I have this weird feeling that every keystroke of mine can be observed by some IT dude somewhere in the world (they can get into my computer and repair it from there, so why shouldn’t they be able to track me from there?). That this laptop is no longer mine, but belongs to the company, and that I shouldn’t really be using it for personal stuff.
SO maybe that’s another problem to solve – I need my own personal writing device, so that I can be fully safe in everything I write, and that the location of this blog will never be found in any historical URL search my employers would conduct.

Right this moment I’m sitting in the middle of Madikwe Game Reserve. I’m on a weekend safari. I came here all by myself (although the owner is a friend), and have just been savouring the peace and quiet of the bush and the Game Drives out into the wilderness to see wild lions and hyenas and elephants etc. in their natural state. So good for my soul! And coffee on my mate’s lodge balcony, chatting and bonding about all sorts of things…this too has been beautiful!

And soon I will be getting into my car and driving back to Johannesburg. And there eagerly awaits a new Man..who has invited me to drinks at his home. Red, I call him. An online dating man.  He feels like a kind and good man. He’s enthusiastic about being with me, doesn’t play cat and mouse with his feelings, and seems to be the kind of man that I usually just walk past without noticing. Because he’s not my usual type – the imposing, unavailable, manipulative personality disordered men that draw me like a moth to the fire, but rather the type that seems real and open and present and caring and who I then normally dismiss without a thought.

So this time my question to myself is: can I stay the distance? Have I healed myself enough to be able to receive the care and love I think he wants to give me without running a mile because my inner fiver-year-old cannot tolerate actually receiving the love she so craves?

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