Monday, 27 July 2015

Slipping Through my Fingers?

I've been working hard through this weekend. On me. Not falling apart. Not pining.  Trying to live through the weekend with joy and richness. Friend richness. Family richness. Immersing myself in the people I care about.  Trying to forget to look at my phone every 3 minutes to see if he had messaged me.

I felt like he was struggling. With me? With his wife? Didn't know.  But I did know it was bad. He wouldn't have withdrawn from me if it wasn't bad. By Sunday afternoon after hours of bonding with one of my girls, I was resigned to the fact that I may never hear from him again. And that if I did, it could be to hear him say goodbye to me.

And it felt sore. On a rational level I get his need to withdraw.  He feels like he has too much to deal. Not good timing for a relationship.  But I also know that connections like this are rare.  If it is a real connection.  If I'm not making it all up in my head and just projecting my yearning onto him and making him a placeholder for my own ancient pain...

I heard from  him late on Sunday afternoon. Apologising for being gone. Telling me his home shitstorm started raging on Friday. And saying he needed to exit from me. That I'm a good woman and he doesn't want to hurt me. That the timing is wrong for him.

And I responded one last time to him to fight for this connection. I said that making decisions like this under emotional duress was a bad idea. That I didn't want to take this as his final word on the matter. That I wanted to have this conversation face to face with him. He agreed.  Said he'd call me in the week.

And now I wait. I'm so conflicted about how to deal this. I'm trying to hold my sore heart gently. Are we going to find a way to be together that works for us both? Will I be able to be content with being with him in small doses? Will he even feel he has any space for me? Does he even still want me? Or has he already begun the work of killing his feelings for me in his heart? Is he already gone? Am I doing him a disservice by hanging on to this hope instead of releasing him to find his own way? Am I just being selfish? Or will he be better off riding this tsunami with me? Am I just diving in to rescue and repeating my old pattern? Or is this the relationship where I get to hold myself and love another in a non codependent way?

So I have no choice about what will happen next. He's not a man who I could manipulate or control even if I wanted to. He knows his own mind.  I think he'll hear me out. And consider my opinion.  And then make his own mind up. And I might have to go through yet another heartbreak in the process.

I suppose this time I'm grateful that I chose a man who is a grownup. He's not just disappearing on me like some of the other cowards I've survived this year. He's being truthful and courageous. And seeing this through with me properly.


Makes me not want to lose him.

He's a fucking keeper!

Is he Trudy? Really?

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