Slipping Through my Fingers?

I've been working hard through this weekend. On me. Not falling apart. Not pining.  Trying to live through the weekend with joy and richness. Friend richness. Family richness. Immersing myself in the people I care about.  Trying to forget to look at my phone every 3 minutes to see if he had messaged me.

I felt like he was struggling. With me? With his wife? Didn't know.  But I did know it was bad. He wouldn't have withdrawn from me if it wasn't bad. By Sunday afternoon after hours of bonding with one of my girls, I was resigned to the fact that I may never hear from him again. And that if I did, it could be to hear him say goodbye to me.

And it felt sore. On a rational level I get his need to withdraw.  He feels like he has too much to deal. Not good timing for a relationship.  But I also know that connections like this are rare.  If it is a real connection.  If I'm not making it all up in my head and just projecting my yearning onto him and making him a placeholder for my own ancient pain...

I heard from  him late on Sunday afternoon. Apologising for being gone. Telling me his home shitstorm started raging on Friday. And saying he needed to exit from me. That I'm a good woman and he doesn't want to hurt me. That the timing is wrong for him.

And I responded one last time to him to fight for this connection. I said that making decisions like this under emotional duress was a bad idea. That I didn't want to take this as his final word on the matter. That I wanted to have this conversation face to face with him. He agreed.  Said he'd call me in the week.

And now I wait. I'm so conflicted about how to deal this. I'm trying to hold my sore heart gently. Are we going to find a way to be together that works for us both? Will I be able to be content with being with him in small doses? Will he even feel he has any space for me? Does he even still want me? Or has he already begun the work of killing his feelings for me in his heart? Is he already gone? Am I doing him a disservice by hanging on to this hope instead of releasing him to find his own way? Am I just being selfish? Or will he be better off riding this tsunami with me? Am I just diving in to rescue and repeating my old pattern? Or is this the relationship where I get to hold myself and love another in a non codependent way?

So I have no choice about what will happen next. He's not a man who I could manipulate or control even if I wanted to. He knows his own mind.  I think he'll hear me out. And consider my opinion.  And then make his own mind up. And I might have to go through yet another heartbreak in the process.

I suppose this time I'm grateful that I chose a man who is a grownup. He's not just disappearing on me like some of the other cowards I've survived this year. He's being truthful and courageous. And seeing this through with me properly.

Sigh.

Makes me not want to lose him.

He's a fucking keeper!

Is he Trudy? Really?

Have I Done it Again?

Red feels gone. One week ago this morning we were kissing goodbye in his driveway after a lovely intimate and connected night together. I left with lightness and joy in my heart. I felt that I had chosen well and that this would be a rich and lovely path we would walk together.

But our conversation in this week has been about him withdrawing. First with words. Telling me he's in too much of a crazy space for him to be with me without hurting me. Saying he can't give me what I want - that I need immersion into his life and he needs to be separate for a while.

I took that to mean we were done, and began to sadly prepare myself to leave him behind me. But when I told him that, he said he doesn't want me to go. That he wanted me around but just wasn't sure how that would look. I said I think I should be forming what I wanted out of the relationship or I would run the risk of prezelling myself into any form he required of me and becoming sad and resentful because I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship.

So he asked me what I wanted. I went back to my profile on Ashley Madison and resent him my profile description:

I'm in a consenting open marriage. I want an actual relationship with a man who will enjoy exploring this life phase with me. My dream mate is clever. Successful. Soulful. Sexy. Healthy. Strong. Kind. Funny. Solid.I have lived life and learned stuff. I value wisdom and lifelong learning. I'm a curious thinker about the human condition. I write. I read. I work out (within reason). And I run a company. And a family. I want soulful connection and hot sex! Sometimes at the same time! An intimate life companion without the domestic ordinary that comes with marriage and kids. A place to escape sometimes and be this other part of me. I'm not into just a casual one shag thing. .. Although I know you have to start somewhere. ... so if you have no intention of lingering for a while and investing in a real connected relationship. ... please don't contact me. I'm the real deal and I don't enjoy being with men who would be flighty with my heart. Love Scammers that trawl this site: stay the fk away from me. I know your game and I'm not interested in playing. You'll be wasting your time with me.
My turn ons
Strong. Sexy. Solid. Knows his own mind. Kind. Funny. Clever
I'm looking for
reading. bush time. walking. sunday morning coffee and breakfast. I'm not really into pecker shots and online sex chats with strangers. I'd prefer actual real relationships with real people. So NO to international sex chatters please.


As  I read this again I realised how very clear I had been in this description for muself. And I felt sad that he was here with me but not really responding to my need. Like I'd been clear: don't contact me if you don't really want to have a relationship like I've described? But I do know some of the answers to that: you read a whole profile once and get an impression of someone, and respond to the impression rather than the actual content. If I'm honest I don't even remember any content on Red's profile at all. Was there any?

Another possibility is that he got swept away in the moment with me, and then stepped back to ask himself what he was actually doing... and started retreating into himself when it felt too much to deal. Another possibility is that he's found someone else that's pulling his attention from me and just isn't saying so. A red flag on that is that he's just taken off the 'last seen' function on WhatsApp - something many men do when they don't want people to know they're chatting to other people at 'sexy hours' of the night.

I don't know what it is. But all I'm experienceing is a fading of our conversation. From intense and connected last Saturday, to wistful and sad on Sunday, to sexy hard-assed flirting and banter on Monday and Tuesday, factual communication on what we're each doing on Thursday and Friday, to nothing on Friday night. And nothing today. Just nothing.

And I suppose any self respecting woman would call it at this moment. A quick delete of his number, blocking of the WhatsApp, and a 'leave me alone you fucker: you don't deserve me' message. Because whatever the issue, wouldn't it have been just right and kind and gentlemanly even to just say what was happening?

But another part of me first wants the explanation and closure conversation, if that's what it is to be. Because I'm wondering why he's doing this. Are his hatches battoned down and walls up because he's trying to deal something in his own head that's happening that he hasn't told me about? Is it me? Was our intimate time together disappointing for him so he's no longer that interested in being with me? Is that why Charlie Harper disappeared too? Am I just too intense? Did I share too much of myself with him? Is my openness and vulnerability just too much for anyone to take? Am I shit at sex? Look funny? Smell funny? Just not attractive enough for him?  I don't think it's these things...but it could be, couldn't it?

Is it me? Is it him? Should I trust him to come back when he's ready to reconnect? Should I allow myself to be abandoned like this with no explanation? Should I be sending a message to him that says 'this isn't OK - I don't deserve this treatment'? Or just leave this conversation where it lies with him until he returns to pick it up? If he  returns.

And then I keep reminding myself that he's leaving his wife and family next weekend. He's moving out on a marriage that he's been in for almost 2 decades. His life is crumbling and he must be feeling terrible. And we all deal that kind of thing in different ways: I want to be there for him in this. He probably wants to deal it alone. He's being incredibly clumsy in how he's dealing me in that. But shouldn't I be cutting him some slack in this very very difficult time of his?

What do I want?

I want to see him this weekend. I want to have a conversation about all of this so I can understand what's happening and how to respond. I want him to want to help me understand. To try. And not to just discard me. And then I want us to work though what all this has been about and agree a way forward. Together. Apart. Semi together. Communication expectations. Connection expectations. Boundaries. Connection times.  I just want to know what's happeneing. I want a truthful face to face conversation.

I want to understand so I can decide whether to keep my heart open and give him the space to heal himself? Or close it up. Walk away. Nurse my sadness. Move on.

So I think I'm not going to chase this thing. I won't actually impact it positively in any way if I do. The healthiest thing for me to do is get on with my day. My weekend. My life. Spend time with my family. Bond with my girlfriends. Deliver the huge requirments I have at work. And not sit outside his cave waiting and hoping that he may emerge at some stage. He'll come. He won't come. I can't control that. And if he doesn't, then I guess I'll have to go back into nurturing this sore heart of mine.


I don't want to have to do that again. Not another heartbreak repeat. But also, I know the sore heart is about much more than Red. And holding this heart safe for me is what I need to really be doing. Holding you Trudy. Keeping you safe.

Holding on Gently

PMT day. Again I’m feeling raw and needy. I’m sitting at home alone, typing at my husband’s desk. It’s Thursday evening.

Yesterday Red told his wife he’s leaving her. That’s just hectic for him. And on this very huge day of his, he needed me to back the fuck off him so he could process all the stuff he’s going through. I tried my hardest to do that: just get on with my life and let him deal what he wanted to deal. I so wanted to be that girl that can just comfortably release her man to the space he needs.

15/07/2015, 4:58 AM - Trudy Green: Hey you. Happy morning

15/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: Morning.  Things are hectic this morning.  Will message when left the house

15/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: Good luck

15/07/2015, 8:21 AM - Trudy Green: Hey you. If you need a debrief coffee I can meet you at Mugg and Bean. Having an admin day most of today so flexible. 

15/07/2015, 8:52 AM - RED: What is a debrief coffee?  Sounds formal

15/07/2015, 8:52 AM - Trudy Green: Not formal

15/07/2015, 8:53 AM - Trudy Green: Hectic morning. .. Maybe you need to connect a bit before you hit work

15/07/2015, 8:53 AM - Trudy Green: You ok?

15/07/2015, 8:54 AM - RED: I have an 'angst' feeling all through my body.   Home, work, just trying to regroup and figure it out.  Stay with me but a might need some room to move today.

15/07/2015, 8:55 AM - Trudy Green: I'm here Red

15/07/2015, 8:56 AM - Trudy Green: And I can be there in 15.... No pressure

15/07/2015, 8:56 AM - Trudy Green: You want to call?

15/07/2015, 9:07 AM - RED: Just a little space this am

15/07/2015, 9:08 AM - Trudy Green: Sure

15/07/2015, 9:28 AM - RED: You’re too special

15/07/2015, 9:29 AM - Trudy Green: Missing you tho

15/07/2015, 9:29 AM - Trudy Green: But I'll suck it up 

I managed to leave him alone. Completely. It was so hard to do.

15/07/2015, 1:37 PM - RED: How's your admin day going

15/07/2015, 1:38 PM - Trudy Green: Oh god

15/07/2015, 1:38 PM - Trudy Green: Serious withdrawal from you

15/07/2015, 1:39 PM - Trudy Green: I'm in a coffee shop writing a proposal for a business that doesn't exist yet

15/07/2015, 1:39 PM - Trudy Green: How are you?

15/07/2015, 2:16 PM - RED: I'm getting better. Thanks for giving me the space.

15/07/2015, 2:18 PM - Trudy Green: Thanks for managing it with me so carefully

15/07/2015, 2:57 PM - RED: A bit overwhelmed at the moment with all the things happening.  Just need to step back a bit to take stock.

15/07/2015, 3:27 PM - Trudy Green: So of course my instinct is to rush in and surround you and hold you and listen to you and think things through with you... so I'm sitting on my hands because you need to do this by yourself. I do understand. And I respect the space you need. 

15/07/2015, 3:39 PM - RED: F... Ck.   Why do you say all the right things?

15/07/2015, 3:41 PM - RED: Friday is arranged.  Hope it is still OK for you.

15/07/2015, 3:41 PM - Trudy Green: Shew. That's brilliant news

15/07/2015, 3:42 PM - Trudy Green: Yes it’s ok for me

15/07/2015, 3:42 PM - RED: Cool.

15/07/2015, 3:44 PM - Trudy Green: #happydance

15/07/2015, 6:47 PM - RED: Thanks.   Had a pathetic talk with wife.  Not a talk at all, best I could do was tell her "I am planning to move out.  We will then deal with the rest later".  Her response was "oh ok".

15/07/2015, 6:47 PM - Trudy Green: Shew

15/07/2015, 6:49 PM - RED: Not proud of myself.   Also had estate agent phone today to ask me if I wanted to sell the house.  Bit of a reality fuck. I said no but gave her my details.  I will need to take this step.

15/07/2015, 6:51 PM - Trudy Green: This stuff is hard. And that makes it impossible to deliver flawlessly. It comes from a deep sore space. Clumsy in execution is to be expected.

15/07/2015, 6:51 PM - Trudy Green: Don't judge yourself harshly Red. You're dealing a lot

15/07/2015, 6:53 PM - RED: I am mindful of this

15/07/2015, 6:54 PM - Trudy Green: He learns fast

15/07/2015, 6:54 PM - RED: A lot to deal with and let go of.

15/07/2015, 6:57 PM - Trudy Green: And there's a big grieving part in that

But instead, I struggled like crazy. Crazy crazy. So much Narc abuse stuff had started pouring into me. I was convinced for a while that he was actually a lying cheat and was using this ‘space’ I was giving him to pursue another woman – that he asked me to back off so I wouldn’t be hounding him and disturbing him while he was spading someone else. Then his photo disappeared off WhatsApp and I thought that meant he had blocked me on WhatsApp – again…maybe to stop me busting in on another tryst with another woman. He hadn’t. But that took me a while to figure out.

And then I managed to soothe myself about that picture, reminding myself that this wasn’t John-the-Narc, and actually a gentle and honest man who actually liked me and wasn’t going to cheat on me. And that he was going through a really rough time and needed some space for that.

And then the next hole I fell into was that I had come on too strong for him. And that he was backing the fuck off me because I wasn’t giving him any space to breathe. That my neediness that comes out at the first hint of abandonment was going to send him running for the hills and that I had shown him too much of me. That I had made it too easy for him to access me. That my vulnerability was too overwhelming for him. All of this creating intense conversations in my head. All of this I’m determined to not let spill into his space. And then feeling lonely because I’m alone with these feelings.

I had sat on my hands for hours, just willing myself to leave him the fuck alone. And even though I was really really busy, I just couldn’t get him off my mind. Picking up the phone and checking it every few minutes in case I hadn’t heard a message come through. I was also dying to know what had gone down with him. Wanted to get in my car and rush across town and take him for coffee. Talk with him. Unpack with him. Soothe him. Rescue him from his pain. Telling myself the whole time that he’s a grown man who is wanting to deal this stuff alone for now. And that I need to respect that. And give him his space. And leave him alone. Little needy broken bird and my inner nurturing woman were both beside themselves though – just aching to go over there. I know the right thing for me to respond with to that is reassurance. Calm the broken little one. Tell her I’ll keep her safe and that everything is going to be ok. But I didn’t manage to do that very well. It felt like abandonment. It wasn’t. I know that. But it felt like it.

I guess this is part of my clumsy and slow healing process. I have progressed far enough to recognise my own triggers when they come up. To know the pain is generated inside me, and not at all by the person ‘out there’. This isn’t Red stuff. It’s mine. I get it. But I can’t really manage it yet. It’s all messy and hard and debilitating for me. It takes me out of the game for a while and my heart hurts like crazy. Projections and false thinking and pain and trauma all washing around in a cocktail of PMS hormones and I find it so difficult to find a kind and loving place for myself.

In the evening we finally began to connect again. We played a sexy WhatsApp chat game with each other (flip…he’s GOOD at that), and then moved into the logistics of our meetup on Friday night. And then I started sharing with him my yearning of having a profoundly deep sexual connection with him.

15/07/2015, 9:59 PM - RED: I would love to.   Not sure if I can at the moment.  Yesterday and today hit me hard.  Reality set in. I need to sort out my shit.   I want you around but I might not be able or capable of committing to the level you want.

15/07/2015, 10:00 PM - Trudy Green: Shew.  I really want to understand more about what happened

15/07/2015, 10:01 PM - Trudy Green: But I'm not asking for any commitment that you can't do

15/07/2015, 10:01 PM - Trudy Green: I know the year you're about to have

15/07/2015, 10:01 PM - Trudy Green: I know the risk I run is being your rebound or transition relationship

15/07/2015, 10:02 PM - Trudy Green: I'm fragile too.

15/07/2015, 10:02 PM - RED: Nothing new happened.  I just knew I had to tell my wife.   The realisation was that the dominoes would fall.   No more delaying or going back.

15/07/2015, 10:03 PM - Trudy Green: I think we will bring each other some joy and comfort in tough times

15/07/2015, 10:03 PM - Trudy Green: So a lot happened. Inside you

15/07/2015, 10:04 PM - RED: Yes, it’s good to have you around.  I might run when feeling overwhelmed or pushed into a corner.

15/07/2015, 10:04 PM - Trudy Green: I'll try not to push

15/07/2015, 10:06 PM - Trudy Green: Just be kind and honest with me please.

15/07/2015, 10:07 PM - RED: You’re happy to go down the Zambezi on a tomato box boat and take all the rapids as they come.  I will want to stop a lot and hold back.

15/07/2015, 10:09 PM - Trudy Green: If I trust the Zambezi. And the tomato box.

15/07/2015, 10:09 PM - Trudy Green: But I hear you

15/07/2015, 10:13 PM - Trudy Green: I'm serious about that honesty bit though, Red. I have been so deceived in the past few years that it has become my biggest fear. Of being gullible and trusting and being lied to. You feel like an honest man to me. Which is why I'm here. But if I'm lied to, I'll be gone.

15/07/2015, 10:13 PM - Trudy Green: I can deal anything so long as it's the truth

15/07/2015, 10:22 PM - RED: I like you a lot.  That's the truth.  Can I get in a boat and down a river at full speed and let the water take over. No. I want to stop and sit on the bank to see if I am doing the right thing.  I can't go down another river and make another mistake. You need to know this. So be aware that I could stop at a bank any time.

15/07/2015, 10:23 PM - Trudy Green: Makes sense Red

15/07/2015, 10:23 PM - Trudy Green: What would that look like for me?

15/07/2015, 10:26 PM - RED: You sensed it last night.  And gave me the space.  The challenge for you is not trying to force me back on the boat too quickly.  But you might get frustrated and give up on me.

15/07/2015, 10:27 PM - Trudy Green: Hmmm....You're right about the challenge for me

15/07/2015, 10:28 PM - Trudy Green: But if you are able to help me understand what's happening I should be able to play in the boat by myself for a while

15/07/2015, 10:29 PM - Trudy Green: I do want to be that girl who is cool with that. Your introverted stuff will always need solitary recharge time.

15/07/2015, 10:31 PM - Trudy Green: I have such an insatiable need to rush in and fix. It's a real labour of love to hold back.

15/07/2015, 10:31 PM - Trudy Green: For me I mean.  For me to hold back

15/07/2015, 10:32 PM - RED: I see that.  I appreciate it and need the help.  I though tend to push away if overwhelmed or pushed into a corner.

15/07/2015, 10:34 PM - Trudy Green: Ok. Try tell me if I push you there please

He seems like a really kind and emotionally mature and aware guy. And he’s telling me clearly and truthfully where he’s at. But even through that, I start to feel pushed away and rejected a bit. And I know he’s trying to tell me gently at some level to just move back a bit. That he is overwhelmed and needing space to sort himself out. And in my grownup space I get that. But so much of me is actually 5. And 5 year old me really doesn’t want to yield any space. Wants to rail against the gentle push away and crawl up into his lap and beg to be held and protected and cherished. And I need to hold her and protect her. And not try to give the baby away to him again. He’s probably the guy most likely to be able to hold the baby that I’ve met, but I’m trying to do it while he himself is hanging on by a thread while his life crumbles around him. I cannot push him to rescue me. Just stand near him and let us both support each other to the best of our abilities.

I tossed and turned all night, trying to distract myself from my spiraling thoughts and pain with podcasts that would take my mind into other places. But by the morning, I could feel a lot of pain and sadness creeping in around my edges. Old pain. Triggered by his need for space and distance. His healthy need to protect himself a bit with distance created my needy abandonment stuff. Sore. Hard. Natural. I forced myself to not contact him first thing in the morning. Leave him alone a bit. Give him the space to feel like he missed me enough to get in touch again.

Finally:

16/07/2015, 7:13 AM - RED: Morning you

16/07/2015, 7:14 AM - Trudy Green: Hey!

16/07/2015, 7:15 AM - RED: Hey

16/07/2015, 7:15 AM - Trudy Green: I'm struggling a bit this morn

16/07/2015, 7:16 AM - RED: Oh no.   What's up?  Sore, tired, other

16/07/2015, 7:16 AM - Trudy Green: No. Just our conversation last night

16/07/2015, 7:17 AM - Trudy Green: Hit a vulnerable button for me

16/07/2015, 7:17 AM - RED: Research shows, sky news, if you on your phone more than an hour a day,  then you are depressed.

(He’s not being an ass here: we’re just both typing simultaneously, as one does on WhatsApp sometimes. So there is a tough conversation and a playful one happening simultaneously)

16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: Now they talking about mindfulness

16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - Trudy Green: Oh. I'm only on, like, 16 hours. ...

16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: But to you.  What was the button.

16/07/2015, 7:18 AM - RED: You 16x more depressed than the average woman

16/07/2015, 7:19 AM - Trudy Green: Feeling like I've shown too much. Been too much. Like I should have been more circumspect and careful in how I've engaged with you

16/07/2015, 7:19 AM - Trudy Green: My shit

16/07/2015, 7:19 AM - Trudy Green: Triggered by your shit

16/07/2015, 7:22 AM - RED: Apologies, did not mean to hurt you.   Want to chat or do you need space

16/07/2015, 7:22 AM - Trudy Green: Of course you didn't mean to

16/07/2015, 7:22 AM - Trudy Green: You just told your truth. I'm telling you mine

16/07/2015, 7:23 AM - Trudy Green: I'd love to chat. But on Friday. When we have time. And you can hold me. And I can hold you back

16/07/2015, 7:23 AM - Trudy Green: And I really really need you to hold me.

16/07/2015, 7:24 AM - Trudy Green: And such is my demon that even telling you that feels dangerous and hard. ..

16/07/2015, 7:24 AM - RED: That would be good

16/07/2015, 7:25 AM - RED: What is your main demon?

16/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: Fear of abandonment.

16/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: That's the headline

16/07/2015, 7:26 AM - Trudy Green: What's yours?

16/07/2015, 7:28 AM - RED: Withdrawing into my self

16/07/2015, 7:28 AM - Trudy Green: Which happens because of what fear?

16/07/2015, 7:29 AM - RED: Not sure, I need to figure this out.

16/07/2015, 7:30 AM - Trudy Green: Yup. I have the words because of my year of therapy. ....

16/07/2015, 7:30 AM - Trudy Green: I'm going to shower: family dispatched. ... House to myself for a bit

16/07/2015, 7:32 AM - Trudy Green: I'm going to try and manage myself kindly and bravely with this. I'm suddenly afraid. And afraid to say I'm afraid. My heart is very afraid of being broken again. And part of me wants to run like hell.

16/07/2015, 7:32 AM - RED: Should I come over and join you

16/07/2015, 7:33 AM - Trudy Green: Would love that

16/07/2015, 7:33 AM - Trudy Green: Although I have the tiniest shower in the world. ..

16/07/2015, 7:34 AM - RED: That's the best.   Just thinking about taking you up against the wall.

And so descends the conversation into playful sexiness again.

It’s night time now. The day is past and Red is out with his daughter for dinner. I tried to call him in the day. He didn’t take my call. He was out driving alone. But didn’t feel the need to call me. I must really try to find my peace about this. I met this man less than two weeks ago. We like each other. His marriage is crashing around him. I’m just in recovery. We’re not soul mates. Yet.

I’m lonely. And sad. I miss him terribly. But I also know that this missing is not about him. Once again I have found somewhere to place that childhood yearning for my absent dad. Abandonment. Loneliness that comes from a lifetime of being lonely. Yearning that comes from dealing stuff alone always. It’s natural. I must love myself better on this one. 

A New Dance Partner?

I haven’t been writing. You may have noticed. Something in me just switched off for a while and writing was suddenly no longer part of my daily ritual. Part of that is because I’m getting more and more busily involved in the sales and expansion of the company, so writing time feels like a luxury. And part is about being a bit mute emotionally. Where I’m not in that hectic outpouring space any more, but more thoughtful. Internally focussed. But with no words.

That’s not really healthy for me though. I do know that. My writing here on this blog has been such a very important personal outlet for my pain and fear, and I really shouldn’t allow myself to lapse on it. And, as I’m writing, I also realise that I am a bit afraid about my privacy being violated here. In the process of corporatizing my company as part of the greater company, we have all had new laptops set up, inside the corporate umbrella of the big company. I have this weird feeling that every keystroke of mine can be observed by some IT dude somewhere in the world (they can get into my computer and repair it from there, so why shouldn’t they be able to track me from there?). That this laptop is no longer mine, but belongs to the company, and that I shouldn’t really be using it for personal stuff.

SO maybe that’s another problem to solve – I need my own personal writing device, so that I can be fully safe in everything I write, and that the location of this blog will never be found in any historical URL search my employers would conduct.

Right this moment I’m sitting in the middle of Madikwe Game Reserve. I’m on a weekend safari. I came here all by myself (although the owner is a friend), and have just been savouring the peace and quiet of the bush and the Game Drives out into the wilderness to see wild lions and hyenas and elephants etc. in their natural state. So good for my soul! And coffee on my mate’s lodge balcony, chatting and bonding about all sorts of things…this too has been beautiful!

And soon I will be getting into my car and driving back to Johannesburg. And there eagerly awaits a new Man..who has invited me to drinks at his home. Red, I call him. An online dating man.  He feels like a kind and good man. He’s enthusiastic about being with me, doesn’t play cat and mouse with his feelings, and seems to be the kind of man that I usually just walk past without noticing. Because he’s not my usual type – the imposing, unavailable, manipulative personality disordered men that draw me like a moth to the fire, but rather the type that seems real and open and present and caring and who I then normally dismiss without a thought.

So this time my question to myself is: can I stay the distance? Have I healed myself enough to be able to receive the care and love I think he wants to give me without running a mile because my inner fiver-year-old cannot tolerate actually receiving the love she so craves?

And I get Life

I've just realised that I've not actually told the final part of my hospital story. Which isn't very kind of me...with all of you readers out there wondering what the hell is happening with me... am  I going to live a long life or a short one?

Well, the answer is a long one, (barring the 'hit by bus' scenario). I do not have a lung disease. No Rheumatoid Lung. No 'Atypical Asthma'. Nothing ongoing, which is a great relief.

What I do have is a pair of lungs that are gradually healing from being lacerated 3 times over the past 9 months. And the laceration came from the Macrodantin drug I took to control my UTIs. All of this is unpacked in the link to this previous blog.

It seems that only 1 person in 100 000 has this sort of reaction to Macrodantin. But the reaction is severe and life-threatening says my Pulminologist. That feeling I got that I only had a few minutes left when I left my kids alone at home and drove myself to hospital was spot on. That little psychic voice that told me to google the side effects of the drug was spot on. If I hadn't done that when I did it, or found the information when I found it, I wouldn't have made it to hospital. And my kids would have woken to find me dead in my bed in the morning. The oxygen that the hospital emergency room staff gave me literally saved my life!

Apparently the Macrodantin usually solves UTIs by making a cocktail of Formaldehyde in your bladder. It's a lethal concoction that quickly kills any bacteria in the bladder and is then expelled, not being absorbed by the body. But in very rare cases, mine in particular, for some reason the body makes the Formaldehyde in the lungs instead. That is a lethal thing - the formaldehyde sears all the breathing passageways (the incredible chest pain I felt), scars them, and makes it almost impossible for the lungs to function normally to extract oxygen from the air. Only the administration of pure oxygen will keep the person alive.

I'm pissed off that I was already communicating with my doctors the first time this happened to me that I thought the drugs had something to do with my condition. But the first Pulminologist was very set on his diagnosis of 'Atypical Asthma' linked to my extreme stress at the time that he was just not prepared to investigate my concerns. So I took the pill twice more, exposing myself to a lot more scarring, another hospitalization and two more life threatening moments before it was solved.

So all of this is completely unrelated to any of the Autoimmune issues I already have. It's just extra, on top of it all, that I have had to cope with this year. I feel pissed off that this has been thrown at me over and above everything else. Like why the fuck. Really?!

And at the same time I can feel the purpose in it. The incredible life changes I have effected because of the trauma of all of this. Because I have had to stop completely and look very long and hard at myself. And become more of the woman I need to be.

And I also feel more loneliness and bereftness through it all. Because to this moment I haven't been able to snuggle up in anybody's arms and cry about what happened to me. Someone who really really cares that I very nearly died twice this year. Someone who gives a shit that I'm still coming slowly back from that edge and fighting daily to reclaim my health. Reclaim my breath. Reclaim my body.

I'm glad I'm not dying. So fucking glad.

But I'm not over all this yet. Far from it.

Back to the Lonely

I haven't been able to write for quite a while. Just not been able to sit in front of this page and find the words to tell myself my story. I told myself it's because I'm healing. And because I'm healing I don't have the compulsive need to get stuck in each and every day to unpack the myriad of things that are trawling through my brain.  Maybe it's a bit of that. And maybe it's also because I can't really get myself to tell myself the same things over and over again. Healing doesn't seem to happen in a straight line. It's more of a spiral...circling around and around, revisiting issues over and over again, albeit from a slightly different vantage point each time around again. And even though I do know this to be true, it still feels like failure to me to be at the same issue and dragging myself through it all yet again.

I'm so so sad today. I feel quite bereft. I have had a glorious week at the World Economic Forum with my new bosses learning and circulating and hunting for new potential clients. I've done well, I think. But now the 'post party' exhaustion has set in. Not to mention the PMT blues, and suddenly my emotional resilience feels spent and I'm low.

Three weeks ago I reconnected with my CEO man. Haven't heard from him at all since February and before that, our 'almost hookup' in Barcelona which didn't come to be because I wasn't ready. Meeting up with him again was thrilling. I suddenly got all of those butterfly things one is sometimes lucky enough to feel with someone and I just had the strongest sense that this was the time. That we were about to find each other on a whole other level and explore a beautiful relationship together. I let myself fall in love with him a little, I think - my shrink spotted it immediately when I was telling her about him the other day. I felt ready for him. And felt him ready for me.

So I did two quite drastic things. First, I broke it off with the Tasmanian. I could feel I wasn't being fair to him - we are sexually quite compatible but not really burning to be together. It wasn't fair for me to be in any sort of relationship with him when I was actually thinking that a relationship with the CEO may become a real possibility some time soon. He was sad, but not bereft. He had to acknowledge my point that neither of us was making much of an effort to create skin time together, which meant we were probably more friends (without benefits, mostly).

Then I had a real conversation with Mark. The CEO is one of his close friends, and I didn't want to do anything that he might feel weird about. In fact I even asked him if it was OK to tell the CEO about him if we got that close. Because it would feel dishonest if I was with the CEO and Mark at the same time and the CEO didn't know about Mark. Mark said it would be cool. He thought that me and the CEO together would actually be great and kind of gave me his blessing to go ahead.

And after those two quite uncharacteristic things for me, I felt like I'd done the grownup things I needed to do to pave the way for a slow seduction with the CEO. And I was determined to take it slow. I felt like I should leave him the space to hunt me and land me, like somehow his masculinity would need that, and that if I was too forward and aggressive, that may put him off. So I coached myself about taking things slowly, about savouring the tentative seduction and the time of not knowing, and aching to be with him. Mark and I chatted a few days later and he just dropped a hint that the CEO had said that he really liked me (hahaaaa...a bit like first grade wing man games). I was SO excited when I heard that - just confirmation that I was on the right track. At last. I let my heart open more, making more space for him to come in.

I did send him a couple of text messages over that time. And started noticing a worrying pattern. He was responding to my messages, but in an uncharacteristically reserved way. Not pushing the flirty angle or reciprocating my energy. I kept telling myself this wasn't a problem That he had been reticent before. That this wasn't completely unusual for him. That he's probably quite busy.

I have spent the week in Cape Town. and was supposed to work there on the weekend too. But suddenly my weekend work plans were cancelled and I had a free weekend in my house alone. I decided to take the bull by the horns and invite him to join me and sent him a short WhatsApp invitation.  I was super nervous to send it. I realised I was putting myself out there quite seriously, and the stakes felt quite high. But I did it anyway.

He read it within the hour. And didn't respond. Shew. I thought he must be thinking about it. Or trying to move his weekend plans around to try to make it happen. Late that night still no response from him. And nothing the next morning when I woke up. I went through the whole next day on tenterhooks, wondering what response he was going to send, with my heart sinking a little more every time I checked and rechecked my phone to see whether he had responded yet. But nothing. And nothing the next day or the day after that. My heart began to sink. Had I misread it? Had I chased him away by being too forward with my invitation? Friday was approaching and a small piece of me was wondering if he was just going to jump on a plane and arrive in Cape Town and surprise me. I was frantic on Friday afternoon when my cellphone battery started running low - what if he landed and couldn't reach me to find out where my place is?!

But of course there was no surprise arrival. There was just nothing. After a long and hard working week, I finally went home in the dark to my empty house in Hout Bay and poured myself a very long glass of wine and drank it down as fast as I could. I would have to face this pain by myself again and I just didn't want to feel it all alone like that for long. Got drunk fast and hit the sack.

Only then did it occur to me to check him out on Facebook. Crazy. I'm usually all over that side of checking out my potential dates. I found him fast. And found a very inactive Facebook page. Except for a new entry on the 25th May. He had changed his status to "In a Relationship". And Facebook adds this little heart icon after those searing words, just to rub it in a bit more. As if the words weren't enough to burn deep into my heart!

Fuck. After being single for a long time, my CEO had stepped into a relationship exactly 2 weeks ago. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. The glass of wine was not enough to numb the pain that came crashing through me in that moment. I could not believe that I had opened my very fragile heart yet again to a man not available to me. That I was going to hit yet another unrequited heartbreak wave.

There's a rule. Don't text drunk. NEVER TEXT DRUNK.

I texted.

"FK. Just saw your Facebook. You're in a relationship. I didn't know. Embarrassed. Sorry. Backing right off"

He read my message. Didn't respond. Fuck that hurt. An apology or some sort of explanation would have really been nice. I don't really know what he could have said, I suppose. I'm sure he was a bit embarrassed too - he had most definitely not told me about his relationship and had led me on a bit. Or had he? Had I just been projecting that from our previous time together? Did I make up our chemistry and attraction in my head? Did I imagine it because I wanted it to be true?

This all feels so terribly humiliating. Besides the heartache I'm also now seriously starting to doubt myself. Maybe I am actually just not the attractive and sexy woman I imagine myself to be. Maybe I actually don't have what it takes to attract the men that I think are in my league. Maybe I'm doing something that puts them off after a bit and actually all I'm good for are the Narcs and abusive assholes in this world who want me for the supply I can provide? I almost feel like asking Berlin or Mark for feedback about that, but I'm too afraid that they will tell me something I really don't want to know about myself. Something I can't change. Something that will rob me of my hope and confidence forever. What is wrong with me? Seriously. What is fucking wrong with me?

I have a meeting booked with him on Tuesday. Just the two of us. I am going to have to do something very grownup and professional to put us back on a strong business footing so we can get into the business relationship we are scoping out for ourselves. It's going to take a lot for me to 'man up' and just deal this straight. And see him while my heart is still feeling so fragile about him. Well, I managed with Berlin. I guess I'll manage again.

Fuck

I wish I didn't have to fucking manage all the time.

I so so crave being held and loved.

Still not to be. Still not time.

Treading Water

I'm back in Stellenbosch again. Flew in very briefly for a day conference and I'm now, once again, sitting in the gardens of a beautiful wine farm with a few minutes to spare and think and touch base with myself.

I have time because I got stood up for my lunch date. Well, sort of stood up. Bachelor number 2 is down here at the moment and we have had some playful back and forthing again about getting together. He's landed another job after being retrenched, and so I think seems to be more comfortable about engaging with me again. Although I'm not completely sure about that - we made a very firm date to get together today, and I even booked my flight out later in the evening to create some time to be with him and he bailed on me late yesterday afternoon anyway. Said things were just too pressured right now.  Maybe they are....?

And I get to this conference and here is Mark at the same conference - wasn't expecting to see him, and yet here he is. Nice to hang with him a bit but feeling a bit distant from him. We had a conversation a while ago where he talked of playing with other 'unavailable' women - I'm too available and the risk is a real relationship or something.....?  Agh. Fkn hate that. I'm keeping my distance and giving him space to sort out his marriage and he uses the opportunity to play with other chicks. Aaaagggghhhhhh. So stepping the hell backwards from that! My heart is too vulnerable for him. Need to keeeeep awaaaaayyy!

My Tasmanian is somehow at a distance from me too. We're in some kind of weird relationship where we have slept together twice and have some sort of understanding that we're lovers. But in that space he gets more and more distant and communicates less and less with me. His 'Acquisition Game' is clearly much better than his 'Retention Game'. He's not trying particularly hard to keep me. So I'm not trying particularly hard back. He disappears almost completely on weekends while he's with his live in partner, and I'm so not enjoying just hanging around the edges. I'm finding myself moving to seeing it as a connection of convenience, where I connect with him every now and then but am not giving myself any expectations that my heart and soul could be held in that place. Maybe I can play there a bit. Explore my sexuality in a mutually rewarding sexual space. But my heart? Nope. Not safe there. Only safe with me.

And how weird for me that is. That I'm allowing myself to be in this quite distant, yet physically intimate space with him. Because I didn't know I could do it like that. But it seems I can right now. So I am.

And Berlin and I continue to dance around each other, chatting daily on WhatsApp and just sharing the minutiae of our lives. Haven't seen him for more than a month and just living with that.

And I'm trying to just be OK with being in limbo. Trying to unlearn those not very useful patterns of getting all needy and sad around men, just aching for their masculine energy and trying to hook them in deeply to me so I can feel held. That's the stuff that made me vulnerable to Narc Mindfuckery and I'm determined to bullet proof myself against that kind of attack forever.

Sunday the 17th will be my 1 year anniversary of D-Day from John the Narc. The day I caught him cheating on me. The day my whole fking world crashed around my feet. I'm going to celebrate it by going to breakfast with the woman I caught him cheating with - Debbie. We'll both have a very private ceremony of escape from him. Only she and I will know really what that means. Sore. Still broken in places. Trying to put our lives back together.

Sigh. Longer road than I ever would have thought.