Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Coming on too Strong? Again?

So after this morning's blog, I did call Charlie. Didn't get him, but left a voice message for him. He called back a while later and we had a happy chat, trying to find a time where we could meet up for a bit - today or tomorrow. And we left it at a 'I'll call you' agreement - he would call me when he was done with his work and we'd try to make a plan. So I spent the rest of the morning prancing around happy as a lark. Delighted that we would meet up some time today.

Except we didn't. I got a WhatsApp from him breezily saying he was heading home. And off he went. I was so disappointed. I can't reconcile this way of being to real relationship stuff. How is it that people don't do what they say they'll do. Or don't fix it if they do get into a place where they can't do what they say, why not tell me that things have changed? This has happened to me with Berlin. And John. And Mark. And Bush Man. And Stellenbosch Banker. Am I choosing badly? Is it a guy thing? Is it a Narc thing? Is it a 'everyone-but-me' thing? Flip I don't know. But every time it happens it HURTS me. Hard. Like I'm prepared to do a shitload of heavy lifting and they're just not. Unless they're in the mood or something. And they're sure as hell not going to let me into their process to soothe me about feeling neglected and abandoned or anything.

So I did it. I sent him a vulnerable WhatsApp conversation. Which I now regret sending. But it's done. Sigh. Here it is:

1 Apr 1:26 PM - Charlie: On my way home  
1 Apr 1:48 PM - Trudy: Oh. So we're not going to try see each other today?
1 Apr 1:50 PM - Trudy: Am I trying harder than you are to create something here?
1 Apr 2:05 PM - Trudy: My lunch just finished.
1 Apr 2:12 PM - Trudy: Shew.  I'm just going to say it. I like you. A lot. I want to invest time and energy into exploring the potential of a relationship with you.

And I know it's early and all that. But I do keep second guessing myself about whether you're in that same place as me.

If you're not, it's really cool. No pressure. But I'd like to know if you're not.

I see myself sharing a lot more of myself on this chat than you. And I see you sharing less of yourself now than you did when we first met.
1 Apr 2:13 PM - Trudy: And in the absence of conversations and time together I'm struggling to figure where it's at.
1 Apr 2:15 PM - Trudy: And you send me lovely emoticons when you connect with me,  but even those are so open to interpretation that I'm afraid I'll read too much into this communication
1 Apr 2:17 PM - Trudy: So Charlie, be kind to me please. If you're out there playing the field or moving on I'd just like to know. And if you're also wanting to invest here to see if something will come of it, then tell me too
1 Apr 2:18 PM - Trudy: I love passionately and wholeheartedly. It's who i am. But I do need some sense of safety in order to go there.
1 Apr 2:19 PM - Trudy: And now my 4 o clock just cancelled. I have the whole afternoon opened up.
1 Apr 2:23 PM - Trudy: Oh. This is also my PMT week. .. so I do know I'm more vulnerable than usual. But this is what's coming up for me so. ...
1 Apr 2:54 PM - Trudy: And I'm painfully aware that I use my words a lot more than you do so now I'm afraid I'm putting you in a painfully awkward place. Aaaaggggghhhhhh..... I'm intense, ok. I just am! 

He read it. And didn't respond. Fuck. I think I just tried to hand over the baby again. And I think he may just have walked away from that.

So I sent it to Berlin and said 'this is what I did'. His response was gentle: "maybe it's a little early for that, Trudy". "He feels pressured now. You have to do something to lighten it up a bit".

Hmh. Not bad advice actually, I thought.

So I sent a lighter bit:
1 Apr 4:06 PM - Trudy: So I just for crapped on by one of my mates for sending this to you
1 Apr 4:07 PM - Trudy: He says I should have my phone locked away and each finger handcuffed during PMT week.

1 Apr 4:09 PM - Trudy: Alternatively he suggests you confiscate my phone and tie me up. .. which could be more fun!

And he hasn't read this. Yet.

I want to tell myself that if he is going to be a significant person in my life, then he'll have to live with and put up with this heavy and intense part of me. But showing it too soon may be a mistake. I will be terribly sad if this chases him away completely. But I guess that if it does, I should be glad I know sooner rather than later, when I've entirely lost my heart to him.

And my heart it in a very very wobbly place now. I'm struggling to find my grown up feet about this. My heart wants this man. And I have been in so many fucked  up, pathological relationships that I have no idea if what I'm feeling is normal. Or too intense. Or what?!!  I just really really don't know.

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