Thursday, 2 April 2015
I'm so very relieved.
I didn't hear from him all day yesterday and I was beside myself believing that I was too needy and that he had decided I was too much for him. And spent the whole evening telling myself that we were done and that I needed to let go of him now and deal the sadness and move on. I nearly even reactivated my Ashley Madison profile. But when I went online and looked at the lists of men in my inbox, I just felt tired and sad. So didn't.
And went out with a girlfriend for dinner. Which was the very best thing to do. Staying at home and agonising about him would have been a horrid way to spend the night.
So just as I got home after dinner I got a message from him, laughing at the joke Berlin gave me, and said 'He's probably right'. With a big smiley face. And then he just gently reassured me that, actually, he fancies me 'rotten' and is finding it hard to manage his life comfortably with his teenage son, and wishes he could be with me more.
And this morning he asked me directly if I still want to be with him. I said 'Yes. Still!'
And so we're back. And I'm feeling so much happier, somehow knowing that he's there, wanting to be with me.
One of the things my mate and I were talking about is that we both probably set very high standards for communication. We're both communicators by profession - she's a writer, and I teach people communication skills and sell, and, well, here I am writing as well. So we are both actually highly skilled communicators because that's our profession. And I know it feels weird for me when people don't communicate with me with the same effectiveness that I bring to my own communication. And maybe that's where the problem lies. Just because I am here, ready with a hundred thoughts all neatly framed into words and concepts, doesn't mean that every person I meet can respond in kind. And maybe I need to look more deeply into how people are behaving with me. How they're bringing themselves to the party in ways that are different from me.
I suppose it's part of the Love Languages concept. We express ourselves in different ways, and need input in different ways. I think it's time I started seeing Charlie for who he is and figuring out how he operates in this world. I'm so going to love that journey of figuring him out. Learning about someone. Being discovered myself. Working with a man who will be honest and open with me, rather than malignant and deceitful and manipulative.
I feel the breath of fresh air. And it's lovely!