Wednesday, 1 April 2015

The Place in Between

It's Wednesday. I saw Charlie on Saturday night. It's been almost four days and I find myself feeling like a pining teenager, Waiting for the phone to ring, Filling all the spaces between WhatsApp contacts with stories in my head about what I think he's doing. Most of those things involve imagining him with other girls. New Ashley Madison contacts that he's out with, meeting, charming, kissing. He's a wealthy man. A great catch. I can imagine that there are girls around him often, chasing him often.

I don't want to be one of those girls. I want to be the one he wants. Who wants him, not for any money he may be able to throw around, but just for him. I like him too much! And all my inner voices are screaming at me to be careful here. DON'T EXPECT too much. Don't allow your heart to disappear into the rabbit hole. You don't know yet whether he really likes you. I know I walked away from our lovely Saturday night drinks with a lightness and happiness in my heart. and when we were together I was absolutely sure we were in a mutual and happy place. That both of us wanted to pursue.

But now, four days out, I'm not getting a good feeling any more. His connecting with me has slowed to a trickle of a couple messages a day with many hours in between of nothing. I initiated a potential date for last night with him yesterday morning. Asked him to come with me to a play I want to see. He just responded lightly: "No, can't tonight, :)" No reason. No 'Let's do it tomorrow rather'. Just "Can't". I walked through the whole day with a sad foreboding in my heart about it.

And then I bought the tickets anyway. And then started connecting in with all my mates to find someone to go with me. I just couldn't face yet another night alone in my house with my family all away. I must have contacted about 15 mates - not one of them had the space to go with me. And I started seeing myself going alone, until I thought about my big son. I asked him. He said yes. And so we went out together, which was lovely. And I got through another night.

Sometime during the play I got a message from him saying he was just back home after an evening out at hockey with his son. Oh. Gosh. Sigh of relief. Was nice to know that he wasn't out choosing some other social event instead of being with me. Our kids must come first. But I'm still so worried about his reduced connection with me. I responded to his message playfully with a pic of me and my son out on our 'Date'. He didn't even read it last night. Nor this morning. and I've had no "Gooooood Moooooorning boooooootiful' from him like I have been getting ever day since we met.

So I'm suddenly in the desert again. After the intense and delicious connection of Saturday I'm just craving more of it. I want him so much. I want to love and to be loved. I want a relationship. I want someone to wake up in the morning thinking about me. I want this. And I have no idea whether this is going to be.

It's Easter weekend starting in two days. I don't know whether my family will come home from Mozambique or head to my husband's mate's place for a few day of motorbiking there. And so I'm trying to decide how to play it. In my fantasy, Charlie calls me and says he has the whole weekend free and could we be together? And then I head over to his place, or we fly to Cape Town, or drive to the bush and spend all that time living and loving and getting to know each other. And I feel idyllic blissful happiness. Or he says 'we'll hook up sometime this weekend' and I sit around waiting for him to do something, and we get a couple of measly squeezed-in hours some time. And I feel miserable. Or I just give up and head down to Howick to watch my kids break themselves on their bikes and spend happy time with them. Or maybe they come home instead and then I spend the weekend pining, but at least with my family, and not alone like now.

So I'm in this place in between. I don't know what it's in between. It starts with a beautiful, connected moment, moves into this nowhere place, and could either end with another happy connection. Or a slow and excruciating drifting away, with me once more wondering what could have been if the connection could have been explored.

I want to call him. Should I call him?

Fuck I don't know.

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