Tuesday, 30 September 2014

A Brief Reprieve in the Narcissist/Supply dance

John and I met for our conversation about how much I think he owes my company.  I have literally been postponing this for months because I have been so afraid of the battle that I've been sure will ensue.

But instead of the battle, he came in a gentle and kind way.  Said he would not fight about anything and actually just wanted to hear my side of things so that he could then go away and think it through and try to 'attack' my logic independently. And then come back to me on his thoughts.

So I took him through my thoughts.  And he listened. And asked for copies.

I have no idea if this was a ploy to get my guard down.  But I was relieved at the end of it.

Then he started asking me to come back to him.  He misses me. I miss him. "Come back. Fix me. Heal me. Put me in a cage and make sure I don't ever do that to you again".

I have spent months and months reading everything on how to survive exiting this narcissistic dance. Everything I've read says to beware this type of engagement - he will woo me back, and once I'm in his power again, he'll do even more damage than he has already done.  I don't think he even intends to do that. Right now, he is completely genuine about wanting me back.  But I know he will not be able to sustain it.  I know that if I go back it will be the end of me.  I will lose myself.  I will be exchanging short term joy of reunion with the loss of long term joy.  There are many relationships that do survive infidelity - I know - I've read about them. But this isn't just infidelity.  This is a Narcissistic dance.  It's not the same thing at all.

I must remember that I must flee now while I have the energy to do it,even thought I yearn so very much to be held by him again.  Run even though I crave his arms and gentle whispers in my neck. Escape now while my body still craves his touch.

Have I said that this is tough?  Still tough!

After the meeting he sent me this email. Ugh.  Now what??

I am writing this before we meet today ………… and I have promised myself that I will hit send, no matter what transpires in our conversation.


We fell in love with one another, and we are both horribly hurt and responding from an emotional place.

We both know that I am very bad at being able to keep our business and personal life separate, because we both experience rejection intensely, and I react emotionally. - I take full responsibility for my role in our relationship and I want to ask if we can we acknowledge that things have been hard between us in the business because we got involved in a personal relationship that has clouded our business judgement. I am aware that my destroying our personal relationship has really broken you and I am sorry that you have been so hurt – I truly do understand that that has been hideously painful for you. 

If we think about our business relationship, we have always been very volatile with one another and therefore probably should not have become involved in a personal relationship too. Having said that however, I believe that I have brought great value to your company during the past 4 1/2 years and would like to have had the space to do all that I wanted to do. That has been difficult with you, because you have struggled to let go of the reins and really give me the space to do what I was employed to do. 

As you are aware I would love to have bought the business because of my absolute belief in it’s potential – I know that I can add value to your company and would still love to continue in the company in some way. Could we speak about this impassionately? 

If that is not possible, could we try to resolve our differences professionally and with thought and understanding towards one another. I have been absolutely committed to this business since I started here, to the extent that it has impacted my own life in hugely significant ways. Your company has always had 100% of my attention and I believe that I have always acted in the best interests of the company, with the vision of taking it to financial security and the success that the business should have. If you are adamant that there is no longer any place for me, then I would like to ask that you consider a reasonable and fair termination deal – as has always been the way of your company.



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