Friday, 26 September 2014

The Addiction kicks in

I called John last night.  A moment of weakness. Driving past his house on the way to dinner with a friend. The weight and stress of the day was heavy on my shoulders and I just called him.  Shouldn't have.  Needed to hear his voice. Craved his voice.  Clearly I'm still suffering under the regime of Stockholm syndrome - where I go to my abuser for comfort because its hard to get it in any other way right now.

We were kind to each other.

But that makes it worse I think.  That puts him back in my head again, and that old addictive yearning starts up again.

It's like sugar addiction: I've realised that sugar triggers my inflammation in my joints.  I need to avoid it like the plague.  But I am addicted.  And I can go for months without taking any sugar in at all.  But once I have a little...then BAM - the craving is back there, full blown again.  Then it takes weeks of self discipline to fight the craving again.   Alcoholics have it too.  And drug addicts.  A little bit of the forbidden substance ALWAYS kicks in the craving again and the addict is back to square one.

So here I am, waiting for his next attack to land.  And at the same time I'm pining for the comfort I so miss from him.  Such a tough place to be. Fearing him and needing him all at the same time.

'No Contact' is the advised route to go. I've been trawling the internet for months looking for sites that will help me deal with this. The Lisaescott site has a wealth of resources and advice.  It all starts with NO CONTACT. That would slowly wean me from my addiction and release me from my craving.  But I cant help thinking that if I keep in touch with him in our kind space, then I can help him see the error of his ways, and lead him gently to the point where we are able to part safely and kindly.

But even as I say this, the 'adult' voice in my head is telling me that that end point will never be achieved. There will always be another goal post, another challenge.  He will always damage me when I get close.  I am never safe.  The only way to escape is to flee.

But I don't.  If I'm honest with myself, I'm still standing next to an open door, hoping I'll be invited in.

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