Monday, 22 September 2014
Shedding My Narcissists
My second husband is NOT a Narcissist. He's actually a lovely man. We had about 15 years of pretty good going in our marriage. Produced two lovely sons. Raised my firstborn together, even though he's not the biological dad. We were a really good unit. Successful in many ways. Built a business together. Acquired a property portfolio. Raised 3 very solid and talented boys. Contributed to our community. And then our marriage wasn't good any more. So so many reasons for that. I'm sure I'll explore those in the course of the blog.
Very long story short: we agreed to part ways. But only in our intimate and sexual lives. But we (or mostly I) believed that we are such a strong and successful family unit and team. We're economic partners, good parent partners, good family partners. Separating ourselves geographically from each other would wreak so much more damage on our family and it's community. Couldn't we, I reasoned, find a way to co habit and see other people? Keep the good of our marriage together, and just find alternatives to the parts of us that were broken?
Hubby agreed. With reservations. I took a lover first. My business colleague. A narcissist. Hubby hated him. He has nearly succeeded in killing me. He is the ex-lover now. Then my husband took a lover. A lovely woman. Dear friend of mine. She's great for him I think. I'm struggling with it a bit. Lots more on this later too.
I started therapy about 18 months ago. My ex lover and I were working together. Had been for almost 4 years. He was systematically destroying me and damaging my health in the process. I was too used to dealing with dysfunctional people to realize how much danger I was in. My therapist feared for me. I stayed with him anyway. That turned out to be a really bad call on my part.
But I have been really really good at systematically eliminating the other Narcissists from my life. Closing business relationships. Moving on from dysfunctional friendships. Letting dysfunctional family relationships lapse. I guess I was really practicing for the big one. Removing ex-lover. Lets Call him John. I don't really want to 'out' myself or my family and friends, so I'll make up names to protect both the innocent and the guilty for now.
Shedding my Narcissists has been the hardest journey of my life. It's taken me a long time to see what horrendous damage my relationships have inflicted on me in my life. The nature of Narcs is to suck the energy out of people like me - we're good 'Narcissistic Supply', which means we're really good at helping the Narcs feel good about themselves. Most of us have been trained from birth to get it right. Our primary relationships are abusive and dysfunctional, and that makes it all feel normal. We're a bit bored when we meet normal people. But let someone come near us full of damage and cracks....BAM - we're interested and we light up like a Christmas House! Moths to a flame!
At 46 I am now suffering from two autoimmune diseases. Hashimotos and Rheumatoid arthritis. I really believe that both of these have become my reality because of the severe stress and trauma I have suffered in my life as a result of the Narcissists I have kept on choosing to hang out with. And now, my most extreme relationship ever, the one with ex-lover, John, seems to be the most hectic. I have been off work for 6 weeks, two of which were spent in hospital, trying to recover from his emotional and psychological bullying and abuse of me.
I will tell many stories about these relationships over the course of this blog. I really want to write my way to a stronger, healthier and more hopeful place. I believe I am a strong and good woman in the world, and I want to give myself the space to find my next life phase. It has to be different. I have to be different. I have to run my life and my relationships so differently that I impact everything with the change.
Popperist theory postulates that "Everything you have ever learned is enough to have brought you to this moment. But it's not enough to take you forward". My doc has warned me that if I don't find a new approach to life and work, I am not going to live a very long one. This event that landed me in hospital was very close to a heart attack. Change now. Or die.
I guess change is the way!