Saturday, 27 September 2014

Stress makes me Sick and How Much can One Girl Take?

At 46 years old I'm statistically right in the middle of my most stressful 2 decades ever. They say that people in their 70's most often seem to be happiest - a golden decade.  But 40's and 50's -  reality bites!

I hate being a statistic.   Even more, I hate being the statistic that matches the norm.  I've always tried to be ahead of the curve: started my business at 27; one of 4% of small businesses that made it past the first 2 years; first person in my family to start a business etc....

But I am a statistic.  This is the year I landed up in hospital with my heart going ballistic and not being able to breathe with 'atypical asthma'.  Pulminologist says it's because I'm too stressed.  Hmmmm.  I paid a lot of money for that diagnosis, not to mention the 9 days in hospital.

Look, you have to know that I am the most resilient person I've met!  I have always prided myself in my ability to take life's knocks on the chin, learn the lesson, and get right back out there and face the world again.  I don't hide.  I tell the truth.  I have brave conversations, and I take calculated risks in my business life.  I'm outspoken about my opinions and courageous in the way I live my life.  You would never have heard me bemoaning my lot.  I'm strong and positive and optimistic about life.  I live with purpose and believe in the half full glass any day of the week. I am the one you would depend on in a crisis.  I have held my company safe through many crises over 18 years and led and inspired my people to hold strong.  Life does not get me down.

Maybe that's been the problem.  Maybe my ability to always land on my feet has meant that my body has taken huge internal strain while I've been out there, holding it all together, no matter what?!

Maybe It's suddenly decided that it's too much.  And than now is the time to put it all down for a while, and regroup.  because nobody should be trying to carry all of this. Not even me.

Lets' see: what are the things I'm dealing right now that could be causing stress?

  1. Moving house. (temporarily into my dad's place for a couple of months while hubby gets our ACTUAL temporary house habitable.  We'll stay THERE for a year waiting for our REAL house to be built).
  2. Renovating temporary house.
  3. Building 'actual' house.
  4. Financial crisis - business bleeding cash- no longer able to fund it: facing bankruptcy and the loss of everything I've ever worked for, and my family's lifetime security.  And the houses I'm trying to build and renovate!
  5. Retrenching half of my workforce, and needing to look each of them in the eyes and tell them I no longer have work for them.
  6. Husband earning less as he depends on my business for billable work.
  7. Dealing husband and my 'split'.
  8. Navigating this new 'open marriage' plan.
  9. Dealing my husband falling in love with his current girlfriend.
  10. Dealing my lover cheating on me.
  11. Dealing breakup from my lover.
  12. Dealing the aftermath of narcissistic abuse from my lover: recovery is sore and slow.
  13. Dealing my lover threatening to sue me for wrongful dismissal from my company.
  14. Dealing the sale of my company to various buyers.
  15. Dealing all of this while battling with my health: Hashimotos and Rheumatoid Arthritis which are both chronic autoimmune diseases, one of which I take chemo for, once a week.
  16. Dealing being in hospital and booked off work for 6 weeks while all this is happening.
  17. And then just being a mom to my precious boys and trying to keep them stable through all this change.
  18. Oh yes - I didn't mention my son breaking his leg at rugby in the middle of all of this.
Any one of these things happening to someone would be enough to knock that person over for a while.  All of them happening at the same time seems impossible for almost anyone to deal.  I think that landing up in hospital unable to breathe is quite a normal response after all of this.

Would you believe that the majority of my pain and anguish is still going towards trying to deal my breakup with my lover, his cheating on me, and extricating myself from the debilitating narcissistic abuse dance I have with him?  80% Narcissistic abuse recovery. 20% the rest.  I feel exhausted even just having written this post, and for the first time created this list of all the stuff in my life that I'm trying to deal.

I think I'll stop now.  Time for a rest.  I'll reflect a bit more tomorrow, I think. 

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