Thursday, 5 March 2015

Better Boundaries

I began this blog as an anonymous exercise. I wanted a space to think and explore the newness that I am becoming. Like a journal. It started as a real journal - my pink book where I began to write myself well. And when I progressed to this blog space, I intended to keep it as just mine. But when I was a few blogs in, I shared one or two of them with John-the-Narc. Not URLs, but emailed copies of the texts. People can search paragraphs and find the blogs they came from. My Secret Space was no longer completely contained and safe. I didn't mind.

Every time I had a close and intimate connection with a friend or potential lover, I let them into my blog. Precious people: people I care about deeply in one way or another who I wanted to share myself with. I wanted them to journey with me somehow - see me. Understand me. I let them in because it felt safe. Or I imagined it to feel safe - being able to share my deepest secrets with people I know and love.

But I think I was naive. As people began to share and distribute my blog URLS with friends, they themselves became nervous of what I was writing, especially, of course, the boys that I was intimate with. And my girlfriends who would share intimate stuff with me - I would think it through here, and suddenly they would be terrified that they would be 'seen' by others that they had shared the link with. And even though I have disguised them, they feared they would be recognised because they had identified themselves in my blog to other people. It was becoming less anonymous.

And so they started putting restrictions on me about what I could and couldn't share on this blog. And I kept on agreeing and changing because I never ever want my own process here to cause negative consequences for these people that surround me. So I've edited names, details, stories, and anything else I can to make sure they're safe. But they didn't feel safe. And actually - this process is supposed to be about my own journey and safety, something I started compromising to make it safe for them - which is not healthy self care behaviour.

And also - the reason they don't feel safe is because I opened this blog to my friends in the first place. That was my mistake - sharing it with anyone who actually knows me. And the last piece of feedback came from a friend this morning who suggested I abandon the blog and go back to writing in a journal - she felt that processing my anger towards my lovers and boys here, where they could access it at any time, is one of the reasons they avoid me. Because it's hard to read my unsanitised anger directed at them here. I have no fucking idea if she's right - I felt really knocked over by her suggestion that I stop doing this thing that has been the most important healing thing I have ever done for myself. I wanted to cry with the sadness that she didn't realise how absolutely critical this is for my journey back from the edge. That just suggesting, in a sentence, that I abandon it felt so very dismissive of me.

But at the same time I had to acknowledge that I have compromised my own boundaries here seriously. Which, of course, is another typical trait of children of Narcissistic mothers. I was just too ready to share parts of myself with the world, and let people in. So I have created a situation where my own safety is compromised, and created a fear in me that I've done wrong. Been bad. Because I didn't do this right. And so echoes more Narc mommy stuff into the subtext of my feelings.

So I've stopped. I've changed the name of the blog and the URL to get here. Nobody who accessed my blog through links I have sent will ever be able to find it again. I'm starting everything new again. New URL. New name. New links. So that this space is once again sacred.

And only fellow journeyers will find me, and read along with me as I learn more and more lessons about how to design my next phase. Build better boundaries. Keep myself healthy and safe. You who come here through the journey of cyberspace, seeking the answers I have sought. Fighting the demons I have fought. You will walk with me along this journey.

And I will be safe again.

Protecting my own boundaries.

Keeping my own secrets.

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