Friday, 6 March 2015

Courageous Conversations

So I did educate Mark. After all. I finally got to the point where I needed to tell him I was feeling hurt by his behaviour so he had the choice to do something about it. So I sent him this. Simple. Real. Raw:

4 Mar 8:35 PM - Trudy: Ag Mark I'm struggling so much right now. I'm PMT so I know I'm more vulnerable and raw and feeling stuff more acutely than usual.
4 Mar 8:36 PM - Trudy: But I am getting genuinely bewildered at your lack of communication with me. Is it just you too busy to talk to me at all?
4 Mar 8:36 PM - Trudy: Or is something else going on that I'm missing?
4 Mar 8:37 PM - Trudy: It's sore for me. Really sore. I'm feeling discarded and sad.  And not having the courage to just say that to you 
4 Mar 8:37 PM - Trudy: I do miss you.
He didn't see the message for hour, and I could feel how sore this was for me. Waiting. Late at night he finally checked in:

4 Mar 10:05 PM - Mark: Hi
4 Mar 10:05 PM - Mark: Sorry about that
4 Mar 10:05 PM - Mark: Please don’t take it personally
4 Mar 10:05 PM - Mark: Not doing it to hurt you
4 Mar 10:07 PM - Mark: I am hectically busy and generally gatvol of people.
4 Mar 10:08 PM - Mark: Have a few personal issues to deal with when I have me time as well
4 Mar 10:12 PM - Mark: Talk to me
4 Mar 10:13 PM - Trudy: Not sure what to say
4 Mar 10:13 PM - Mark: What are you so vulnerable to my comms?
4 Mar 10:14 PM - Mark: Or lack there of
4 Mar 10:14 PM - Trudy: I wrote a blog about it. You feel like reading it?
4 Mar 10:15 PM - Mark: Yes but we need to talk about the blogs because I am still feeling a bit worried about my wife. But can do when we see each other tomorrow
4 Mar 10:16 PM - Trudy: Ok. I'll send you today's link.
4 Mar 10:16 PM - Trudy: I want to protect you and your marriage completely Mark
4 Mar 10:17 PM - Mark: I know. Never doubt that
4 Mar 10:19 PM - Trudy: Here.  You'll have to brace yourself. ..I haven't sanitised my thoughts to be kind to you in it. ....
4 Mar 10:20 PM - Mark: LoL. I am sure. I hope it is being therapeutic like you intended
4 Mar 10:20 PM - Trudy: This one is short. I hope it helps you understand what's happening to me
I sent him "The Layers Under the Ache"
4 Mar 10:36 PM - Mark: Eish what can I say. Sorry that you feel that way. No intention to hurt you but we are different people and you hurt yourself by imposing they way you would respond on me and assuming if I don’t respond it is because I don’t care.
4 Mar 10:36 PM - Trudy: I know
4 Mar 10:36 PM - Trudy: You can see I am owning that
4 Mar 10:39 PM - Mark: You are right I will respond when I am ready. But that’s the same from everybody and I am comfortable with being treated like that. These messaging apps makes it very hard to manage ones time and I refuse to be controlled by comms when it suits others not me
4 Mar 10:40 PM - Trudy: I think I also put out a tough, ballsy message. I find it so hard to show when I'm feeling vulnerable. So I set us both up to hurt me
4 Mar 10:43 PM - Trudy: Mark I'm not sure how to handle it when I do feel I need to talk to you. Business or personal. I asked you to call me a week ago because I'm conscious of not imposing on your contacts without bouncing it off you first. So I start getting more and more anxious because I don't want to cock it up.
4 Mar 10:44 PM - Trudy: So I ask for some phone time when it suits you. And then I get nothing from you.
4 Mar 10:47 PM - Trudy: So I'm really so conscious of not imposing on your time that I back off completely. Until I get so anxious that I start to nag
4 Mar 10:47 PM - Trudy: And I fkn hate nagging.
4 Mar 10:47 PM - Trudy: And that's when I start to slide into personal wounding space.
4 Mar 10:48 PM - Trudy: Takes days
4 Mar 10:57 PM - Mark: Remember when you were still with John how unavailable you were to the world while at his place. This is the same thing. Its not a unique situation
4 Mar 10:58 PM - Trudy: I'm going to have to practice boy direct language with you.
4 Mar 10:58 PM - Trudy: That was me asking in a girl way
4 Mar 10:59 PM - Trudy: And I do remember being unavailable.  I get that.
4 Mar 11:00 PM - Mark: Don’t get me wrong. This is not me getting back at you. It never bothered or hurt me. But what I am trying to say is you are taking it way too personally
4 Mar 11:02 PM - Mark: Multi media is a pain because people expect others to be available on the other side because there is a gsm or internet connection. And that’s not right.
4 Mar 11:02 PM - Trudy: I guess that's another girl thing. I'm sometimes bulletproof. And sometimes raw
4 Mar 11:03 PM - Trudy: Yes Mark I agree in general. But I don't really see you and me as 'people'. We're really good friends.
4 Mar 11:04 PM - Mark: I told my business partner the other day that I have been quiet enough about people complaining about me not answering when they call. But me keeping quiet when they take phone calls while in a meeting or facetoface discussion with me. Because I think that is much much more rude
4 Mar 11:04 PM - Trudy: Do I do that?
4 Mar 11:06 PM - Mark: Jaques and I have been "best friends" for almost 20 years. And speak to each other every now and then when both of us are available at the same time. I know that him not calling me or visa versa is not personal and have nothing to do with our friendship
4 Mar 11:08 PM - Mark: So those are MY standards whereby I live. I respect the fact that other people have other standards but then they must live by them. I am not going to change to fit in with other peoples standards and don't expect then to fit in with mine.
4 Mar 11:09 PM - Trudy: So maybe this will help. I'm actually usually just fine with you and me not being touch for ages. I don't usually take it personally. And I'm always delighted to hear from you when you do touch base.
4 Mar 11:10 PM - Trudy: I'll try to be more direct and clear when I do need you to connect with me.
4 Mar 11:10 PM - Trudy: And maybe you could help manage my expectations when you can't do that
4 Mar 11:12 PM - Mark: I need to learn to respond. With things like "no" or "noted" instead of not calling or noting in my head. So will work on that for you and others
4 Mar 11:12 PM - Trudy: When I disappeared into Johns world for the weekend I always told you before I went. So you would never experience me just baling on a conversation and ask that you wouldn't send me any communication that would trigger a tirade from John
4 Mar 11:15 PM - Mark: You did communicate it well. But it didn't change that others might have wanted your attention during those times and could get it, so had to deal with it.
4 Mar 11:16 PM - Trudy: Mark you were the only threat there
4 Mar 11:16 PM - Trudy: I stayed in touch with the rest of the world. ...
4 Mar 11:17 PM - Trudy: You I actually wanted
4 Mar 11:17 PM - Trudy: And John obviously sensed that. So his radar was way up on any message that arrived
4 Mar 11:19 PM - Mark: And my wife is equally sharp and therefore why I need to wipe the written clues and cool the relationship. Because if we do want to continue working together, we have to assume that she well meet you and sense just like John AND our colleague did. And then she will start digging
4 Mar 11:20 PM - Trudy: Totally.
4 Mar 11:20 PM - Trudy: And I think I should try stay off her radar as long as I can.
4 Mar 11:23 PM - Mark: Until you have a guy in your live who absorbs that attention from you so that that energy is channelled in a different direction and she will pick up on that instead of me. Our colleague noticed the familiarity long before the blog. I think the blog just confirmed. So will my wife.
4 Mar 11:24 PM - Trudy: I read the 'cool the relationship' words only now. I'm trying quite hard to make that happen. I know it needs to. I agree it will come when I do get to this place.
4 Mar 11:24 PM - Trudy: But I keep choosing unavailable men. ...
4 Mar 11:25 PM - Trudy: So even though I'm out there,  my soft place is still here. With you. I'll get better at it. ...
4 Mar 11:26 PM - Trudy: We both need me to
4 Mar 11:29 PM - Mark: Trudy, we are friends and colleagues. In that order. You were firm about the fact that it’s nothing more important. So I was also out there. Just keep me out there. You should be protecting the small Trudy girl from this until you are ready to commit and find someone ready to commit.
4 Mar 11:30 PM - Trudy: I know. You're right. But like you say. .. I'm awesome. .. Not perfect. ...
4 Mar 11:40 PM - Trudy: You are teaching me things every day. You are much better at boundaries than me
4 Mar 11:42 PM - Trudy: And actually you are becoming my very first real proper male friend.
4 Mar 11:42 PM - Mark: I am not better. Just luckier
4 Mar 11:42 PM - Trudy: I fucking love that
4 Mar 11:43 PM - Mark: That's an honor. Not sure I am worthy.
4 Mar 11:43 PM - Trudy: Mark
4 Mar 11:43 PM - Trudy: Fuck
4 Mar 11:44 PM - Trudy: Worthy! !!!!
4 Mar 11:46 PM - Mark: Lol. Just don’t make that another "emotional" connection. Because the only way to feed the emotions of a connection is through some sort of duel commitment. And that’s different from friendship
4 Mar 11:46 PM - Mark: ......well for me it is.
4 Mar 11:46 PM - Mark: Lol
4 Mar 11:46 PM - Trudy: I think girls are a bit different
4 Mar 11:47 PM - Trudy: I have very deep emotional connections with my girlfriends.
4 Mar 11:47 PM - Trudy: It's how we love platonically
4 Mar 11:48 PM - Trudy: Mark we'll figure it out. I trust us. And we'll cock it up sometimes too
4 Mar 11:48 PM - Trudy: We're learning stuff.
4 Mar 11:49 PM - Trudy: I trust us to fix shit when we break it and protect us through that
4 Mar 11:49 PM - Mark: Cool. Now lets go sleep. Been a long day and tomorrow long again
4 Mar 11:49 PM - Trudy: Just like we've done today
4 Mar 11:49 PM - Trudy: Yup
4 Mar 11:49 PM - Mark: Nighty night
And suddenly all is well with the world for me. I love him so dearly. And I'm s glad I was able to be just honest with him. He didn't let me down. He became present for me for a while. And didn't humiliate or hurt me. Good man. Such a good, good man!

No comments:

Post a Comment