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I don't really know what to do! I know my best friend would say "get the hell out of there! He'll hurt you". My shrink would say "go carefully".
I'm feeling like I am going carefully. I keep recognising patterns that we found when he was in Berlin - when we first met on Ashley Madison. I'm giving you that chat history so you can think it through for yourself - am I imagining this? Is he coming back?
Context: I'm working in Cape Town right now. I have a beautiful guest house here. Berlin stayed in it last week when he was down here, so he now knows it.
5 Mar 8:42 PM - Berlin: In the house now?5 Mar 8:43 PM - Trudy: Yup. My agent replaced the wine you guys flattened5 Mar 8:44 PM - Trudy: So I'm polishing it off solo5 Mar 8:44 PM - Trudy: Getting all morose5 Mar 8:44 PM - Berlin: :(5 Mar 8:45 PM - Trudy: This house is big and lonely5 Mar 8:45 PM - Trudy: I bought it as my John love nest5 Mar 8:45 PM - Trudy: Now feels empty5 Mar 8:45 PM - Berlin: Ach come on...5 Mar 8:46 PM - Berlin: It's a beautiful house5 Mar 8:46 PM - Trudy: I'm fine5 Mar 8:46 PM - Berlin: It's yours5 Mar 8:46 PM - Berlin: Fuck that guy5 Mar 8:46 PM - Berlin: He's an asshole5 Mar 8:46 PM - Berlin: Fact5 Mar 8:46 PM - Trudy: Just have managed to have people with me whenever I've come here since we broke up5 Mar 8:46 PM - Trudy: My first time alone5 Mar 8:46 PM - Trudy: He is5 Mar 8:47 PM - Berlin: Why didn't you tell me?5 Mar 8:47 PM - Trudy: But I guess it's healthy to grieve the loss of the reality I thought I was living in5 Mar 8:47 PM - Trudy: Tell you what?5 Mar 8:47 PM - Berlin: Could have stayed a bit longer5 Mar 8:47 PM - Berlin: Maybe5 Mar 8:47 PM - Trudy: That would have been nice5 Mar 8:48 PM - Berlin: But it's probably a good thing5 Mar 8:48 PM - Trudy: But I do need to face all this stuff5 Mar 8:48 PM - Berlin: For you to be there alone for a while5 Mar 8:48 PM - Trudy: Part of the process5 Mar 8:48 PM - Berlin: In Dante's Inferno (huge fires in our suburb)5 Mar 8:48 PM - Trudy: So much5 Mar 8:49 PM - Berlin: Damn, I'm a little pissed off with myself5 Mar 8:49 PM - Trudy: Why?5 Mar 8:49 PM - Berlin: Wanted to leave something for you5 Mar 8:50 PM - Berlin: Flowers or wine or both5 Mar 8:50 PM - Trudy: Well David took care of the wine5 Mar 8:50 PM - Berlin: But things got so hectic5 Mar 8:50 PM - Berlin: Also because of the fires5 Mar 8:51 PM - Trudy: You owe me!5 Mar 8:51 PM - Berlin: I seriously thought we'd have to evacuate...5 Mar 8:51 PM - Trudy: I'll remind you5 Mar 8:51 PM - Berlin: Yip I do5 Mar 8:51 PM - Berlin: I'm sure you will5 Mar 8:51 PM - Trudy: Scary stuff. .. The Valley smells like yesterday's braai today5 Mar 8:51 PM - Trudy: No fire at all though5 Mar 8:52 PM - Berlin: But what's the situation now?5 Mar 8:52 PM - Trudy: Wind died down5 Mar 8:53 PM - Trudy: I think the guys are containing and damping down5 Mar 8:53 PM - Trudy: Constantia Neck was burning this morning but ok now5 Mar 8:55 PM - Berlin: That's bad... Still want to go to Beau Constantia with you which is basically on Constantia Neck... Hope it's still there...5 Mar 8:56 PM - Trudy: Good. Then I'll hold you to that5 Mar 8:56 PM - Trudy: How's your day been?5 Mar 8:57 PM - Berlin: Constructive. Very constructive!! Love that!!5 Mar 10:07 PM - Berlin: By the way, pencil booked the main house for mid December5 Mar 10:08 PM - Trudy: Oh how wonderful5 Mar 10:17 PM - Berlin: Still watching TV?5 Mar 10:18 PM - Trudy: Naaa5 Mar 10:18 PM - Trudy: In bed5 Mar 10:18 PM - Trudy: Looking at the lighthouse5 Mar 10:20 PM - Trudy: You?5 Mar 10:27 PM - Berlin: Playing a game on my iPad...5 Mar 10:27 PM - Berlin: Thanks for being in my life Trudy5 Mar 10:28 PM - Trudy: :)5 Mar 10:29 PM - Berlin: If you'd be around I'd hug you now5 Mar 10:30 PM - Trudy: I'd let you!5 Mar 10:30 PM - Trudy: Might even hug back5 Mar 10:31 PM - Berlin: Seriously? You hug back???5 Mar 10:32 PM - Trudy: Only sometimes5 Mar 10:32 PM - Trudy: If you really deserve it5 Mar 10:32 PM - Berlin: ☺️5 Mar 10:33 PM - Berlin: Well... who deserves what...5 Mar 10:34 PM - Berlin: Are you in bed now?5 Mar 10:35 PM - Trudy: I am5 Mar 10:37 PM - Berlin: Look forward to our next drink somewhere5 Mar 10:37 PM - Trudy: Yes. That will be lovely. Maybe Sunday eve5 Mar 10:46 PM - Trudy: I closed up my blog today.5 Mar 10:46 PM - Berlin: Why?5 Mar 10:46 PM - Trudy: Also a long story5 Mar 10:46 PM - Trudy: Hard5 Mar 10:47 PM - Berlin: I know5 Mar 10:47 PM - Berlin: But why do you close it now?5 Mar 10:47 PM - Trudy: Have moved it 'offshore' where it will be completely anonymous5 Mar 10:48 PM - Trudy: Changed all the links5 Mar 10:48 PM - Trudy: So I'll lose all my followers5 Mar 10:52 PM - Trudy: Hi Trudy, I hope you are well and don't mind me contacting you, if you do then please let me know and I will refrain........there I was, going in to read my favourite inspirational blog when.............aaaargh! no! It's been removed!! I hope everything is okay? And would like to say that it has been a privilege to have a window on your life, your struggles and triumphs, your insights and raw honesty......it has been so hard not to comment when I've wanted to offer comfort or support or just say well done or how much I admire you, I've always had to pull myself away and remind myself that with the history we share being friends is not an option.........instead I have journeyed voyeuristically with you and am amazed and 'proud' of the cathartic strides you have made........you have also helped me tremendously in understanding Narcs and even aided me in scratching under the surface of my own unhealthy relationships......... I Thank you
And suddenly - we start moving into closer conversations:5 Mar 10:54 PM - Berlin: Hmmm...5 Mar 10:56 PM - Berlin: Now if you translate that from woman's talk to something a man can understand... Is that good or bad?5 Mar 10:57 PM - Berlin: The scary thing is... How does she know it's you?5 Mar 10:57 PM - Trudy: Oh. That's my problem5 Mar 10:57 PM - Trudy: It's good5 Mar 10:58 PM - Trudy: I sent her the link in the early days5 Mar 10:58 PM - Trudy: Because I was trying to help her5 Mar 10:58 PM - Trudy: John abused her badly too5 Mar 10:58 PM - Trudy: Coerced her into horrible sexual deviant stuff5 Mar 10:59 PM - Trudy: But that's why I've moved it5 Mar 10:59 PM - Trudy: I began writing it anonymously. And then I invited some of my precious people in.5 Mar 11:00 PM - Trudy: Like you for example.5 Mar 11:00 PM - Trudy: So it stopped being anonymous5 Mar 11:00 PM - Trudy: And a couple of my married men have stayed worrying they'll be exposed5 Mar 11:00 PM - Trudy: So it got unsafe for me and them5 Mar 11:01 PM - Trudy: So I've taken it out of friend domain completely5 Mar 11:01 PM - Trudy: And learned a few hard lessons about boundaries and things
5 Mar 11:06 PM - Berlin: Weird things we're doing here hey...5 Mar 11:06 PM - Trudy: Ummm.... I'm really interested in what you think is weird5 Mar 11:13 PM - Berlin: Going onto anonymous sites to just fuck... Chatting to people that don't exist and falling in love with them unintentionally... Chatting to people that do exist that fall in love with you unintentionally... Hurting them unintentionally... Becoming real friends... but thinking back to Skype chats in Berlin only a few months ago that seem years ago...5 Mar 11:14 PM - Trudy: Oh that! ???5 Mar 11:14 PM - Berlin: So you ask me what's weird...? 😊 Maybe you're right... It's probably normal...5 Mar 11:15 PM - Trudy: You're thinking back? ??5 Mar 11:15 PM - Berlin: I do those things...5 Mar 11:15 PM - Trudy: Those weren't Skype chats. That was skype sex😉5 Mar 11:16 PM - Trudy: I guess we all have our own normal5 Mar 11:16 PM - Trudy: And weird5 Mar 11:16 PM - Trudy: I feel free.5 Mar 11:17 PM - Berlin: You are free!5 Mar 11:17 PM - Trudy: And I don't really care how weird people think I am5 Mar 11:18 PM - Berlin: You just haven't really discovered it for yourself... Kopfmensch...5 Mar 11:18 PM - Trudy: I'm working on it
REALLY???????????5 Mar 11:19 PM - Berlin: Do you know how close you have become to me?5 Mar 11:19 PM - Trudy: Not really. You're hard to read5 Mar 11:19 PM - Berlin: Yes it is weird somehow...5 Mar 11:20 PM - Berlin: I'm hard to read for myself so that's nothing unusual...5 Mar 11:21 PM - Berlin: What I'm saying is5 Mar 11:21 PM - Trudy: So I won't know unless you tell me. .... I stopped trying to guess5 Mar 11:22 PM - Berlin: Thank you for being around that weird German guy...5 Mar 11:22 PM - Trudy: You're not weird Berlin5 Mar 11:22 PM - Trudy: Just human5 Mar 11:22 PM - Trudy: Which makes you interesting5 Mar 11:23 PM - Trudy: Like my profile pic5 Mar 11:23 PM - Berlin: Ditto5 Mar 11:24 PM - Trudy: All those cracks and shards letting the light shine in5 Mar 11:24 PM - Trudy: Where the art exists5 Mar 11:25 PM - Berlin: I'm very aware of that... Every time I see your profile pic I know exactly what you're saying...5 Mar 11:25 PM - Berlin: That's what I like5 Mar 11:26 PM - Berlin: Between us there are things we understand5 Mar 11:26 PM - Trudy: Yes5 Mar 11:26 PM - Berlin: That others don't5 Mar 11:26 PM - Trudy: Yes. You're right5 Mar 11:26 PM - Berlin: And I find it quite incredible5 Mar 11:26 PM - Trudy: Really?5 Mar 11:27 PM - Berlin: That we met on a fuck site5 Mar 11:27 PM - Trudy: *laughing*5 Mar 11:27 PM - Trudy: Not that incredible5 Mar 11:27 PM - Trudy: We do both really need to get laid5 Mar 11:28 PM - Berlin: Yes but hell that applies to 95% of the population even if they don't admit it...5 Mar 11:29 PM - Trudy: Ok then. I'll say it differently. We do both not mind admitting we need to get laid.5 Mar 11:30 PM - Trudy: And are not afraid to put ourselves on the line to get there5 Mar 11:31 PM - Berlin: Yip5 Mar 11:31 PM - Berlin: But I have to admit that my excitement has died down a bit...5 Mar 11:32 PM - Trudy: For the online pursuit?5 Mar 11:32 PM - Berlin: And you are part of the reason
He's talking about our story - I fell for him online and he abandoned me. Read up in the first story called 'Online Dating and Projection'5 Mar 11:32 PM - Berlin: You go onto a site to just fuck5 Mar 11:33 PM - Berlin: Then you get fucked around in all sorts of ways5 Mar 11:33 PM - Trudy: Yes. Horrible5 Mar 11:34 PM - Berlin: Only to discover that you seriously hurt someone yourself5 Mar 11:35 PM - Berlin: And quit the crap but end up with something very valuable...5 Mar 11:36 PM - Trudy: :)
OMG - He COULD have stayed....5 Mar 11:36 PM - Berlin: Are you still asking me what's weird?5 Mar 11:36 PM - Berlin: It's not weird5 Mar 11:36 PM - Berlin: It's surreal...5 Mar 11:36 PM - Trudy: I'm chuckling5 Mar 11:37 PM - Trudy: You're funny5 Mar 11:37 PM - Trudy: It is surreal5 Mar 11:37 PM - Trudy: But I do prefer that to a planned, orderly, predictable life5 Mar 11:38 PM - Trudy: This way there are mysteries5 Mar 11:38 PM - Trudy: Questions5 Mar 11:38 PM - Trudy: Angles5 Mar 11:38 PM - Trudy: New things5 Mar 11:38 PM - Trudy: The stuff of a rich and engaging life5 Mar 11:38 PM - Trudy: Even the very painful stuff has the sweet edge of vitality to it5 Mar 11:39 PM - Trudy: Really really feeling things5 Mar 11:39 PM - Trudy: Don't you think?5 Mar 11:39 PM - Berlin: Yes I do5 Mar 11:40 PM - Berlin: It includes digging deep5 Mar 11:40 PM - Trudy: YES!!!!!!!!5 Mar 11:40 PM - Trudy: My specialty5 Mar 11:40 PM - Berlin: And the amazing thing is that we can5 Mar 11:41 PM - Berlin: We have no obligations5 Mar 11:41 PM - Trudy: Yes5 Mar 11:41 PM - Berlin: No common friends or family5 Mar 11:42 PM - Berlin: But we understand each other5 Mar 11:43 PM - Trudy: And have survived some serious volatility with each other5 Mar 11:43 PM - Berlin: Even though we're both not easy and complex with lots of crap in our lives...5 Mar 11:43 PM - Trudy: Yes5 Mar 11:43 PM - Trudy: But that's the art again isn't it5 Mar 11:43 PM - Trudy: We're interesting5 Mar 11:44 PM - Berlin: I'm glad you sent that last message after I stopped contact5 Mar 11:44 PM - Trudy: That kicking down the door moment!5 Mar 11:45 PM - Trudy: Sigh.5 Mar 11:45 PM - Trudy: Yes5 Mar 11:45 PM - Berlin: Guess that's a female thing...5 Mar 11:45 PM - Trudy: Not really5 Mar 11:45 PM - Trudy: More a Trudy thing5 Mar 11:46 PM - Berlin: You had that instinct and knew something's wrong...5 Mar 11:46 PM - Berlin: Glad you have that Trudy thing5 Mar 11:46 PM - Trudy: :)5 Mar 11:47 PM - Trudy: You know you should be here next to me watching the lights across the bay5 Mar 11:47 PM - Berlin: So can you hear the fire crackling or are things calming down?5 Mar 11:48 PM - Trudy: We could be drinking wine and talking into the wee hours5 Mar 11:48 PM - Trudy: No more fire here5 Mar 11:48 PM - Berlin: Yes, actually it seriously ridiculous that we're not sitting there together!!!5 Mar 11:49 PM - Trudy: Then one of us would fall asleep in the middle of a sentence. ...5 Mar 11:49 PM - Berlin: The broadcaster now said they're happy to have the final film end of next week
Hahaaaa - just freaked him out for a second5 Mar 11:49 PM - Trudy: Get on a plane!!!5 Mar 11:50 PM - Berlin: After saying they need it early nxt week5 Mar 11:50 PM - Berlin: So I could have stayed....5 Mar 11:50 PM - Trudy: Yes well. ..road not travelled and all5 Mar 11:51 PM - Berlin: Damn my Lear jet is in service right now...5 Mar 11:51 PM - Trudy: I hate it when that happens5 Mar 11:52 PM - Berlin: Yes and my second one is with my mother... Inshallah...5 Mar 11:52 PM - Trudy: As it happens I'm not alone in my room
5 Mar 11:53 PM - Trudy: I am sharing my bedroom with a really annoying mosquito5 Mar 11:53 PM - Berlin: Holy moly so I won't disturb...5 Mar 11:54 PM - Trudy: You would have been a much more pleasant alternative5 Mar 11:55 PM - Berlin: I wouldn't suck your blood either... ☺️5 Mar 11:56 PM - Berlin: Which room are you in?5 Mar 11:56 PM - Trudy: Main5 Mar 11:56 PM - Trudy: With the en suite5 Mar 11:56 PM - Trudy: Best in summer. Cold in n winter5 Mar 11:56 PM - Berlin: Get that fan... Mozzies hate fans!5 Mar 11:57 PM - Trudy: Just remembered I have one5 Mar 11:57 PM - Trudy: Turned on now5 Mar 11:57 PM - Trudy: Your room is the coziest winter room5 Mar 11:57 PM - Berlin: The silver one?5 Mar 11:57 PM - Trudy: Ja5 Mar 11:58 PM - Trudy: I like it5 Mar 11:58 PM - Trudy: And the downstairs corner studio has the best shower5 Mar 11:58 PM - Berlin: You cannot imagine what it was like Sunday night there5 Mar 11:59 PM - Berlin: With the wind5 Mar 11:59 PM - Trudy: Oh gosh yes5 Mar 11:59 PM - Trudy: I've been here in gale force winds5 Mar 11:59 PM - Berlin: The walls were vibrating6 Mar 12 AM - Trudy: Blows the patio furniture into the road!6 Mar 12:00 AM - Berlin: Thought of the three little pigs...6 Mar 12:00 AM - Trudy: I'm sure6 Mar 12:00 AM - Trudy: It's scary the first time you experience it6 Mar 12:00 AM - Trudy: Nicer when you're not alone of course6 Mar 12:00 AM - Berlin: Of course6 Mar 12:01 AM - Trudy: Berlin the date just changed on my WhatsApp6 Mar 12:01 AM - Trudy: We're seriously up past bedtime6 Mar 12:01 AM - Berlin: Yip we are6 Mar 12:02 AM - Berlin: You sleep tight!6 Mar 12:02 AM - Trudy: You too6 Mar 12:02 AM - Trudy: Nice spending the evening with you6 Mar 12:02 AM - Berlin: Will do6 Mar 12:02 AM - Berlin: And remember to dream something beautiful!6 Mar 12:03 AM - Berlin: Hasta mañana!6 Mar 12:03 AM - Trudy: (kisses)6 Mar 12:04 AM - Berlin: (more kisses)
So now???? What is this. Friends? More than friends? Edging towards something new?
I suppose that's the fun of something like this: not knowing. Wondering. I'm afraid I'm imagining things again and I'll get hurt. But I'm also keen on playing it differently this time. I won't force a disclosure. Or any inkling that provokes a 'so what the fuck is this' conversation.
I want to take this slow and deliciously. And see if it leads anywhere nice.
Fuck I hope it's nice. And not disappointing for me. Again.
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