Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Bush Man Returns

Tonight's the night! Bush Man is flying into my town for a two day conference. He'll be landing this afternoon and we have a date for this evening. I'm so looking forward to it. Firstly because seeing Bush Man means I'll probably be able to have some SEX! And it's been a while. And I'm so craving some holding touch and feeling some strong arms around me.

Also because I'm looking forward to getting to know him a bit. Hahaaaa - we really didn't talk much last time when we met. And I know this may offend  you, but I really don't mind not knowing him very well. It felt so very freeing to just give in to that carnal pleasure of lovemaking last time, even though we didn't know each other well enough to have that mind-blowing-lose-yourself sex. I can feel at the core of me that he's a good and gentle man, and that he means me no harm. And that this sexual connection we fell across is just as healing for him as it is for me. He needs the touch and holding time as much as I do.

We haven't talked at all since last time we were together, except to make the logistical plans for today's hookup. And I haven't minded that either. One or two days out of last time, I did feel a bit  irritated that he didn't track me down to say "that was lovely, thanks'...or something. But I soon let it go, and I just feel delighted that we'll meet up again.

So what of my heart in all of this? Where is my needy love-starved little 5 year old? Because normally she'd be at the rear view window sobbing for the potential caretaker as she watches him disappear from view. For some reason she's not anxious about this. Neither is she crushing at this man and getting lost in a sea of needy longing. She seems to be curled up with wide eyes, just watching to see where this will go. It's like she's not involved in this one, as if Bush Man and me are an entirely adult connection with none of the child longing deep stuff in play at all.

So the next few steps with him will be important. Can I spend an evening dinner date without engaging my heart? Will getting to know him better hook me in? I don't think so somehow - he's a very intelligent and earthy man, both qualities I'm really attracted to. I actually can't go there if the man isn't really clever. But somehow he's not got the sparkle that I usually love seeing in my men. Unless it's a deep seated sparkle I haven't seen yet. In fact he reminds me a lot of my husband, who also took a while to grow on me, rather than there being an instant 'YES' connection.

On the other hand, though, I think I really need to be highly suspicious of my instant 'YES' responses to men. I think those may still come from my 'bad man' picker, and be a very reliable narc-sniffer actually. That instinctive thing that draws me to people like moths to a flame - I think I should hold myself back every single time I feel that. And notice, just for a moment, and ask myself why the tide compels me towards that person. Because maybe it's a rip tide, sweeping me back into dangerous places where I might ultimately drown if I don't manage to escape it's clutches.

And then there's one more layer I must hold carefully tonight too. What of Bush Man's heart? I am doing all this work to hold myself back, because it's what I want with him, and because I'm assuming that's what he wants too, mostly because he hasn't communicated anything else to me. But that could be his way - that words don't actually come easily to him. That he has thoughts and intentions about us that I don't yet know or understand. I need to be careful with his heart if I'm intending to hold this relationship lightly, and in my head at the moment, purely for some sexual connection and physical intimacy time.

So I get to have some loving nurturing sex tonight. I need it. I'm going to put my whole being into enjoying it. And see how well I am able to hold my own heart through it.

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