Monday, 2 February 2015

Letting Go

I'm trying to apply girlfriend rules here. I have to. Berlin has been very clear that we're in the friend zone and that we're not going to be dating material. I've accepted that and have done my best to respect it. So not boyfriend rules. Girlfriend rules.

So if my girlfriend and I said we would try to get together over the weekend for some wine, and she said to me that Friday wasn't going to work but we'll see how to fit it in on the weekend, then I guess I'd be expecting we'd meet up some time on the the weekend. And if I told her that it was my weekend with my kids because husband was going away with his girlfriend so I would need some notice so I could plan around managing my kids, she would probably give me some sort of idea of when that might (or might not) happen so I could start thinking through my options.

What a girlfriend wouldn't do, I don't think, is just not do it. Just never refer to our potential wine time and let me find out the long, drawn-out way, that its not going to happen. So I find out by Saturday evening that it's not going to happen on Saturday because it didn't. And then find out by Sunday evening that it's not going to happen then either. That the weekend would pass and my friend and I weren't going to have a drink together at all.

Because a girlfriend would know I would be counting on that time together because I have already told her how starved I am of connection time at the moment. And how much I need time with my friends right now. And, if for some reason she couldn't see me, she would have told me, apologising and demonstrating her own regret. And give me time to try to connect with another friend - set up time and have some connection time that I so badly need.

I suppose the one difference between Berlin and another 'girlfriend' is that I would have asked. Again. 'Hey - are we still going to have that wine'? And he would have had to respond. But I couldn't do that. I'd put myself too much out there by asking for the time so soon after our last connection.  So it felt too vulnerable for me to follow it up when it was being so obviously ignored. And our last conversation was hard and awkward and so so so vulnerable. I just couldn't find the strength to put myself on the line again and set myself up for more rejection and 'Trudy Please...' conversations.

So I really am going to treat this the way I have when other girlfriends have demonstrated their lack of intent and care of me and my time. I'm just going to let it go. No big confrontation No putting myself out there for more humiliating conversations. No more trying to insert myself into his life when he clearly doesn't really mind if I'm there or not. If he really wants me in his life - I'm sure he'll make the effort to come and fetch me. And if he doesn't - well then I'm doing the right thing by defining my boundaries better for myself.

I must move on - putting my time and thought and emotional energy in a place where it will matter more.

And try move past how very sore it feels.

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