Friday, 13 February 2015

Fighting the Attraction

I've been working in Cape Town and Stellenbosch for the last couple of days. This is one of the more beautiful parts of the whole world - Table Mountain, the fold mountains and the wine lands mean that almost at every turn you are looking at something beautiful. Yesterday Mark and I were working with some clever people to co-create some amazing community rehabilitation work and we were sitting in the gardens of a beautiful wine farm. Huge oak trees. Beautiful gardens. Felt so decadent, and yet the work we were doing was so very creative with the potential for very significant impact!

Watching Mark in 'flow' as he worked with the team was stirring some very strong feelings of attraction in me. His white shirt, unbuttoned just enough for some very masculine tufts of hair to peep out. That beautiful wide chest. His roguish flirtatious smile that charmed all the ladies...That brain of his that seems to never stop. Sigh - slay my heart - how can a girl help but to melt a bit at that? I must confess I did send him a little flirtatious text some time in the day saying how hot he looked in the white shirt. He responded with a 'Don't do that LOL' message , and a 'Ditto'  - so he liked my white shirt and jeans combo too?

But of course that's all it will be - warm and playful flirting. Because it's out of bounds. But I did realise that spending so many close days with him was weakening my resolve just a bit. And last night we took a client out for dinner together. Mark was regaling us with a few of his 'couple' stories and I suddenly felt a pang of jealousy move through me - I envied her. Wished he were mine.

But I know I don't really want him as just mine. I love him and his soul. But he'd make a terrible life partner. He has so very many passions in life that take his attention. He works like a demon. And I could see that as his wife I would have become sad and lonely and resentful with him because I would never have got the time and intimacy from him that I know I need. So in fact having these intense working times together once every few months is probably the ideal way for he and I to enjoy being in each others' lives. Lots to talk about, think about, debate about, and then time out for months to live the other parts of our lives.

So spending this many days together working side by side is probably a bit much for me. I do find my heart softening a bit and the risk of developing an unrequited crush on him again is too risky. So best to step back and focus on the other wonderful people in my life a bit so I don't get hooked in again.

Today I find my way back into Cape Town to spend the weekend with my other bestie. I'm so looking forward to that soulful girltime.

And I'll use that time to surround and protect this little girl of mine who is clearly coming up again seeking the love she needs from Mark. Not there, my child. Just here. With me. I'll hold you.

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