Friday, 20 February 2015

Searching for Sexual Clarity but all I see is Mist

So I've had a lovely two days with my Bush Man. He booked into a hotel in town and I just went to stay there with him, coming back to work in the days, and spending the nights with him. It was a warm and life affirming place. He really is a gentle and solid man. Strongly grounded and very content inside himself. A good energy for me to be around. A safe place to be.

We talked about so many things over dinner, and lying in bed together. And also talked the nature of 'us'. And 'us' is as I thought it would be: both of us, enjoying the connection, but with no expectations or strings attached. Sex. Intimacy. Warm companionship when we're in the same place. And not much else. Except some work. We will do some work together I think.

I got horribly sick last night during the night, which wasn't ideal with a new lover - waking up to your woman vomiting in the tiny loo can't be the most titillating thing ever, but to his credit, he took it in his stride, responding with kind compassion but not overfussy attention. I await blood results tomorrow to see whether I have Malaria or some weird virus - not feeling too grand today at all!

So what of my heart? Heart is fine actually. Still firmly in place, with my inner 5 year old not stirring with pain and abandonment stuff at all. So we're good there. Whew. Really good there. I kept my distance, and still remained present with him. I didn't give the baby away, at all.

But I now know I have a new thing to think through. Bush Man and I have still not managed to find our deep sexual connection space. Our sex is fine but not brilliant. And it was the same with Mark. And with Mark I wrote it off to 'first time' issues, and the same with Bush Man last time. But now I'm not so sure. I haven't had much experience in this sexual space with 'new' men, and only Bush Man and Mark are men I've slept with when I haven't been in love. Is it possible to have magnificent sex with someone when your heart isn't engaged? Or maybe I should be asking the question differently: is it possible for ME to have magnificent sex with someone when my heart isn't engaged?

The best sex I've ever had in my life was with John-the-narc. I believed at the time that it was just the most exquisite meeting of souls - that our lovemaking was so beautiful because of where it came from, deep in my heart. And his, I thought. But now that I know that he was seducing many other women throughout that time, I'm not so sure that the sex came from that place. At least not for him. He is the master seducer. And maybe he was just using his exceptional seduction and sexual skills to hook me in. Skills learned and perfected over the years through the frequent seduction and sexual manipulation of many many women like me. So while I thought we were deeply in love, and was abandoning all restraint and inhibitions with him, he was most likely orchestrating me - telling me everything I needed to hear; whispering his seductive siren song in my ear; encouraging me to let myself go for him. With him. And I did. And I loved it. I fell for it. But I loved it.

But what if it was all lies? What if everything he told me about what a magnificent lover I am; about how refreshingly natural and uninhibited I am in bed; about how incredibly sexy I am; about how intimate and soulful I become... what if all of that was just bullshit designed to manipulate me? As my new Psychic friend says - 'sex is always exquisite with the dark one'

Then I have a whole new learning to work with. I believed his picture of me. Of course I did - it was flattering and engaging. I wanted to be that woman. But what if I'm not? What if I'm actually not very good at this? What if the lovers I am with now, in the prime of my sexual life, are not impressed with my sexual 'skills'. Ugh.  Who am I, in my sexual journey? If I am going to be choosing people who are not dark and dangerous, but good and kind, how will I find my way into being able to experience sex like that again. I know I want that. It was incredible. I want that for me, and for the lovers I choose.

My shrink was talking to me a couple of weeks ago about the metaphor of the life cycle of a bean: there is a season for all of it's life stages. And when it has produced the plant that reseeds itself, it dies. And falls to the soil that held it, seeping life-giving nutrients back into the soil as it lies fallow for a while. And this is most definitely my fallow time. I know I'm not ready to be 'in relationship' with another deeply loved one yet. There is so much I need to untangle for myself still as I recover slowly from this.

I do need to find myself in my own strong sexuality again. I don't know who I am in that anymore, so dissonant is my head since John-the-Narc's mindfuckery. So I'll trust that I'll find it. I think I must keep asking myself the right questions. And try to have conversations with my close people about this. I have a feeling that the answer may find me in 'being' rather than 'thinking', but I'm that girl who needs to interrogate everything within an inch of it's life - so I guess I'll be doing more of that first.

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