Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Calm After the Storm

Ugh. Yesterday was so very horrible! Obviously some very sore things raked up in that whole feeling of abandonment and rejection I was feeling. I'll have to work through those in therapy today.

Last night Berlin eventually connected in with me after a telecon he was on. And actually just stood in the fire with me. He saw me through my hurt crossness at feeling so very alone and abandoned last night. And was actually just kind and patient with me. He sat up with me until after 11, just talking and calming me. We left each other in a close and connected place. I sent him this pic about us both being cracked people where the light shines through. I felt safe.

I'm still confused though. Isn't that what lovers do for each other? Why would friends do that? Be angry and lash out like I was doing? And be calm and holding like he was doing? What's in it for friends? Lovers have the benefit of the deep and connected sex that follows time like that. Close and affirming lovemaking that reinforces connected ties. But friends?  Am I missing a beat about all of this? Has my fucked up family of origin  (FOO) stuff made it impossible to understand and decode this type of relationship?

Or is he missing a beat? Maybe his FOO stuff is blinding him to the fact that we are getting closer like that. And that becoming lovers is the inevitable outcome eventually? Or am I once again setting myself up for another round of 'No Trudy: we talked about this. We are not going to be lovers. Ever. I'm just not feeling it'?

I woke up wondering whether I should chat to him about us becoming friends with benefits. I am so craving that sexual intimate touch, and maybe that's what's messing with my head here. I thought we would get together sexually soon. But this seems to have stalled that. Because he's thinking that can only be if the two of us are 'in love'. And he's not feeling those fkn 'butterflies'. But what if we just become cool lover mates. Casual sex that can be suspended at any time if the other one finds another lover we want to be exclusive with for a bit. Would I even be capable of something like that? Or would that just me be settling for anything I can get from him?

I have no idea whether I'm actually in love with him, or just desperate for the affirmation of having him want me. That the fact that he's not desperate to get into my pants makes it some sort of badge of honour that I need to turn him? Flip - I really don't know. It's not like I feel the need to turn every man I know into a salivating sex machine. I'm not pining after Bush Man from last week at all - so it's not like I get like this with every man I meet either. How is it that I'm so unable to really understand and name my own feelings about this. More FOO fuckupness?

And maybe I'm just pushing all of this far too hard. He calls me 'Kopfmensch' which is someone who spends a lot of time in their head. Maybe I am that. And maybe that's OK. But maybe I should learn to let matters take their course. If he's going to want to be with me one day - than great - it will happen. And if I find someone else in the meantime who wants me, and I want him back, well then maybe I'll go there. Maybe if I hold it all more lightly, and try to control it less, it will become what it's supposed to become.

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