Monday, 26 January 2015

OK. Not Completely Goodbye

So Berlin responded to my WhatsApps yesterday. And we had this conversation:

25 Jan 5:18 PM - Berlin: The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Especially after all you've been through. But obviously I'm doing just that. Again. So I'll just shut up now.
25 Jan 6:30 PM - Trudy: I know. I know. I am sore. But it's me. I know that. This isn't your's.  It's mine.
25 Jan 6:33 PM - Trudy: I'm clearly still a lot more fked up than I realise. Humiliating. 😞
26 Jan 5:48 AM - Trudy: But don't stress. I'll take a few weeks out to get myself into a safer place. And I'll be back when I know I can be friends with you without complicating it like this.
26 Jan 5:48 AM - Trudy: Until then. .. I'll see you at meetings etc I guess.
26 Jan 5:49 AM - Trudy: Sorry Berlin.
26 Jan 8:59 AM - Berlin: No Trudy. I'd miss you if you disappear for weeks. You've become a very important and close friend and you know things about me that nobody else knows! And I'd miss those smarty pants comments about poisoning my body a.s.o... I'd love to have a glass of wine with you (although I usually have three when you have one...) But if you have difficulties to just be good friends... Can't you just switch that one feeling off so we can be buddies?
Ugh. I wish it was that simple. Already I'm reading this and thinking - Wine? YES! He'll get tipsy and realize he's actually in love with me and kiss me, and it will all be OK. How fucked up am I really???  Really really? Geez. So I can't say yes under those false pretenses. I need to be truthful. With him. With myself. And the truth is, I don't know if it's possible. I want it to be, so I can see him more. But that doesn't solve anything for my heart. I'll just keep hoping he'll change his mind, won't I?
26 Jan 11:29 AM - Trudy: Honestly?  I have no idea.
26 Jan 11:31 AM - Trudy: I have such a strong sense of you and me being together that when you say that's not happening I feel genuinely confused.
26 Jan 11:33 AM - Trudy: So I don't even know what to switch off about that.
26 Jan 11:35 AM - Trudy: And when you say we'll go out for wine I just get excited that we'll be together and you'll realise what I already know to be true.
26 Jan 11:35 AM - Trudy: And I don't know how to switch that off either
26 Jan 11:39 AM - Trudy: I didn't really buy your butterflies story.  Because I've said to myself that nobody can be sure until they've connected properly whether there is something between them. And you decided before you met me and I was headed into my darkest night ever. So how would you know? You fell in love with a phantom woman who designed every conversation to make that happen worth you. You didn't know for sure
26 Jan 11:39 AM - Trudy: And turn that back on me: I've met you twice in my entire life. So what makes me so fkn sure?
26 Jan 11:40 AM - Trudy: And the answer is: I just don't know.
26 Jan 11:41 AM - Trudy: And all of this is driving me crazy in my head. And my heart is so sore
26 Jan 11:41 AM - Trudy: And I have no idea how much of that is just pure projection and magical thinking on my part.
26 Jan 11:43 AM - Trudy: I need to see my shrink to help me unjumble all of this
26 Jan 11:43 AM - Trudy: Sigh
26 Jan 11:47 AM - Trudy: Sorry this is so intense.  I feel embarrassed about revealing this to you. But I need to be honest at the same time. Aaaggghhhh

I have no idea what happens next. He read some of my response. But hasn't replied for a few hours. He's thinking about it. Or too busy. Or something.

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