Monday, 26 January 2015

I'm so Fucking Lonely

I don’t really know what triggered it. Obviously all this emotional stuff with Berlin is hurting me. When I suddenly realise that I really feel a lot for him and he really just doesn’t for me – I guess that’s a big rejection and abandonment moment for me. So maybe that’s it. I don’t deal rejection and abandonment well. I had a beautiful dream about me and this boy in my secret heart, and now it’s ruined. And spread all over the pavement like a broken egg. And I’m so fucking sad about that. Because I’ve been alone for too long now. And I thought I had found someone who would love me. But I’m wrong about that. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I just got home to find my teenager didn’t go to school today. Because he was too tired from the survival camp he went on this weekend. And I crapped on him from a dizzy height because I thought he should have gone to school. And he slammed himself into his room. And he’s in such a fragile space right now that I am now miserable I crapped on him.

And then I went to my room and stared at the ceiling for a while. And I could feel myself starting to crumble. So I went into my son’s room and lay with him for a while. I couldn’t stop my own tears from falling and I just cried quietly into his pillow, although he didn’t know I was crying. And I realised that I am so fucking lonely. I need to be held by someone. Now. Today.

But there is nobody. I asked Berlin if he would see me. He blew me off – too much work. "Trudy Please.."begins his 'I'm too busy for you' message. Mark is buried in a business rescue project he’s busy with – no help there. My best mate in town has just started a new job and just can’t juggle that and single motherhood right now – she just doesn’t have time. And my CEO’s dad is dying, and he needs him much more than I do. And if anything HE needs ME. But he’s not reaching out either. And my Stellenbosch Banker? Well I can’t see myself reaching out to him to say I’m drowning – we don’t know each other well enough yet. And my Cape Town best mates? Both buried in work and not really even up to replying to my messages. And I don’t want WhatsApp conversations right now. I need a REAL PERSON who gives a shit about me to just HOLD me for a bit.

And I’ve suddenly realised that it’s been more than a month since I had a real live conversation with ANYBODY like that. I’ve been all over the world and I’ve been out there doing my thing. And being a businesswoman. And being a mom. And being a fearless traveller. And facilitating workshops. And even shagging a strange boy. But I’ve been all in my head about all of it. Stuck having conversations with myself, and abbreviated WhatsApp relationships with everyone I care about.

I NEED MY FRIENDS. And nobody is out there. And I feel so fucking lonely I could jump off a building right now.

I’m so fucking sad.

And all the stuff that I’ve learned about reaching out to my friends I JUST CAN’T DO RIGHT NOW.
I HATE how this feels inside me. My kids need me and I have NOTHING for them.

I have nothing for me.

Poor Trudy.

Poor sad, lonely Trudy.

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