Sunday, 18 January 2015
Really! At Last!
And it was lovely! No strings attached. Warm and affirming. Free and happy. Open and comforting. I actually didn't know I had it in me - to be able to be in that physically intimate space with someone and NOT connect into a deep and complicated space.
I met a clever Environmental Scientist on a conference I was leading this week. We met at breakfast as we were in the same bed and breakfast joint. He offered me a lift to the conference venue and we ended up sitting next to each other during the sessions. At some stage in the afternoon, our arms brushed. And some sort of chemistry started cooking. Another 'innocuous' brush here and there, and that chemistry escalated. Like there was a magnet between us. Then more intentional touching, still, of course, invisible from the rest of the conference delegates.
By dinner he was sitting up close next to me (in a booth where all of us were squashed and up close, granted, but not all of us were surreptitiously touching fingers and thighs under the table). We drank and talked and laughed with our conference colleagues, and played tentative sexy touch games under the table. It was playful and light. Nothing heavy at all.
I suddenly realised I had had far too much wine for my own good, said goodnight to everyone, and headed home with a friend of mine. On the way home I saw lights in the rear view mirror (was a very remote venue, so unlikely to see that at that time), and wondered if it was him. Thought about whether I wanted it to be him. Decided that I was happy if it was him, and would let the evening unfold the way it took itself. By the time I had let myself into my room, there was a knock at the door. I opened the door and he stepped in and kissed me. Then he said "I thought you may need someone to put you to bed". I smiled. And closed the door behind him.
And we made love. Again - not the mind blowing soulful sex that comes from deep connection, but rather 'good enough' sex. We had hardly shared 10 sentences with each other directly since we'd met - all conversation had happened in group contexts, but we still found a comfort and rhythm with each other that surprised me. It was like all the terms of our engagement had been communicated in touch and nuance, and no words were necessary - no discomfort felt. And it was just so incredibly lovely to touch and be touched after all these months of touch free desert. I just didn't want to stop touching him and kissing him in his neck, and back, and face and running my hands all over his broad hairy chest. Feeling this man under my hands with all his hardness and solidness and masculinity was just like a dream.
We lay together for a few hours in the too-narrow 3/4 bed, and he eventually left me to sleep away the last few hours before morning.
He came to me again the following night. Earlier this time. Less alcohol in both our systems. Both of us almost falling over with tiredness after a full day's work on only a few hours sleep from the previous night. We got into my bed, naked, and just held each other for a while. He played me some Leonard Cohen music that he loved on youtube on my phone, and we talked a bit, just holding each other, until we fell asleep. And then, once we had rested, we woke up in the early hours and made love again. Slower this time. Better. Warmer. No rush. Just nice.
And then it was time for him to leave my bed as the daylight started creeping in. He kissed me.
We spent the rest of that day working in the conference space, and when the conference ended I had to leave very fast - I had 4 hours of driving to get to the airport through very remote rural country, so couldn't dally about. I collected all my luggage about me, and rushed to say goodbye. He looked at me with his lovely blue eyes and I said "I have to go now. Goodbye" And smiled.
"Goodbye" he said, with a matching smile.
And that was all.
No numbers exchanged. No 'I'll call you'. No 'let's do this again sometime'. Nothing. And that was as it should be. It felt right.
To just walk away with a secret smile.