I met up with him a couple of days ago between my family holiday and heading up here to Dubai. We had a happy and comfortable afternoon connecting, drinking wine and just enjoying each other's company. I like him. He's clever and interesting and warm. We were at it for 3 hours and reluctantly finished up when the restaurant had cleared away ALL the tables.
Near the end of the conversation I got into a little bit of a sore place when I said something about my ex-narc John. Too much wine and a big cocktail of PMT hormones and suddenly I was fighting back tears. I just felt the John stuff in a sore and vulnerable place and showed that vulnerability to Berlin. He was kind and gentle to me.
When we left we hugged goodbye. Wow. Just being held by him for a few seconds nearly broke the whole dam wall of tears - I can't remember when I was last held like that. Just for a few fleeting seconds I felt home. He's big. And surrounding. And strong. I suddenly felt all my vulnerable energy pouring out of my soul. I caught myself and pulled it back. In time, I thought. I stepped back from him and we were suddenly looking into each other's eyes. He has the most beautiful blue eyes that a girl could get lost in, and maybe I did lose myself for a bit. He said he felt sadness in me. Was there anything I wanted to say to him? There wasn't. I knew my sadness was about John. Not Berlin. I told him we had a long time ahead of us for any conversations that needed having, and that I was not sad about him.
We parted and headed off in different directions. I messaged him a bit later.
30 Dec 2014 9:15 PM - Trudy North: Thanks for that.
30 Dec 2014 9:15 PM - Trudy North: Sorry I got a bit emo on you there. ...
30 Dec 2014 9:16 PM - Trudy North: That was a very cozy safe feeling goodbye hug. Needed that.
30 Dec 2014 9:26 PM - Berlin: Trudy I don't want to make you sad!
30 Dec 2014 9:27 PM - Trudy North: You didn't
30 Dec 2014 9:27 PM - Trudy North: Really
30 Dec 2014 9:27 PM - Trudy North: I AM sad
30 Dec 2014 9:28 PM - Trudy North: I'm recovering from a hectic space. ..
30 Dec 2014 9:28 PM - Trudy North: And I sometimes still don't have my shit together.
30 Dec 2014 9:29 PM - Trudy North: Just talking about it and being in a gentle space with you just brought up some of the tough feelings. But not you. Really really not you
30 Dec 2014 9:46 PM - Berlin: Good. You OK There? Got karate kid around?
30 Dec 2014 9:51 PM - Trudy North: I'm fine. Mom in law here too
30 Dec 2014 10:35 PM - Berlin: Good. Can she also do karate?
30 Dec 2014 10:45 PM - Trudy North: Hahaaaa no. But she's scary with her knitting needles!
30 Dec 2014 11:15 PM - Trudy North: Hey where are you? Talk to me.....
30 Dec 2014 11:27 PM - Trudy North: So I'm trying to find you a couple of my blogs to try explain a bit about where I'm at. Please read the ones I send you. ..It feels important to me that you do. I'm not really sure why. None of them are about you, so don't worry. ...And I sent him 5 blogs. 5 Blogs that I thought would help him understand my sadness now. Give him some idea of the road I've walked. I wanted him to hear me. Empathise with me. Stand with me and maybe contain and hold me a bit.
30 Dec 2014 11:28 PM - Trudy North: It's like i need you to understand a bit more about where I've come from and that emo stuff i couldn't bottle up today. ..
30 Dec 2014 11:30 PM - Trudy North: I'm coming out of a very emotionally abusive relationship with a very cruel narcissist. I think your dad may have been one too, by the way. .. so see if you recognise anything that may be useful for you. ...
These are the blogs I sent:
It's not a normal breakup when there's a Narcissist in the Room
You Underestimate Narcissist pathology, Trudy
Allowing me to Grieve
30 Dec 2014 11:49 PM - Trudy North: ok. I've bombarded you enough. Sorry if it's too much for you.
30 Dec 2014 11:51 PM - Berlin: Trudy?
30 Dec 2014 11:51 PM - Trudy North: Yup
30 Dec 2014 11:52 PM - Berlin: You're torturing yourself
30 Dec 2014 11:52 PM - Trudy North: Maybe.
30 Dec 2014 11:52 PM - Trudy North: I'm off all the pills that kept me quite numb for months
30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Berlin: You will never understand these people
30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Berlin: I won't either
30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Trudy North: I'm starting to feel again and it hurts like
30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Trudy North: Like i don't have a word for
30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Berlin: It's important to know that they are there
30 Dec 2014 11:54 PM - Berlin: And to warn others like you warned me
30 Dec 2014 11:54 PM - Trudy North: Did you read my bits i sent?
30 Dec 2014 11:54 PM - Berlin: And saved me from a lot of pain!
30 Dec 2014 11:55 PM - Berlin: But it's also important to accept that it's a vicious world out there
30 Dec 2014 11:55 PM - Berlin: But also a kind world
30 Dec 2014 11:55 PM - Berlin: With kind loving people
30 Dec 2014 11:56 PM - Berlin: You are one of them
30 Dec 2014 11:56 PM - Berlin: That made you a target first
30 Dec 2014 11:56 PM - Trudy North: :(
30 Dec 2014 11:56 PM - Berlin: Now you can help others like me and I will too
30 Dec 2014 11:57 PM - Berlin: You're a great person Trudy!!!
30 Dec 2014 11:57 PM - Trudy North: Tx Berlin
30 Dec 2014 11:57 PM - Berlin: I consider myself lucky to know you!!!
30 Dec 2014 11:58 PM - Trudy North: Hahaaaa... Let's see what you're saying in a year's time. .
30 Dec 2014 11:59 PM - Berlin: The same thing. Truth is truth. Might be pissed off with you here or there and vice versa but we're still on the same wavelength
30 Dec 2014 11:59 PM - Berlin: And you saved me
30 Dec 2014 11:59 PM - Berlin: After I hurt you
31 Dec 2014 12:00 AM - Berlin: I won't forget that!!!!!
31 Dec 2014 12:01 AM - Trudy North: I'm going to breathe and say nothing because i don't have words right now. ...And that's the truth - I'm crying. And crying. I don't quite know why but the tears are flowing after months of desert. I can't find words
31 Dec 2014 12:03 AM - Berlin: Breathe... We're not in a slam poetry contest or whatever they call those things...
31 Dec 2014 12:04 AM - Trudy North: Please read. It's important to me.
31 Dec 2014 12:06 AM - Berlin: I'll do that Trudy!
31 Dec 2014 12:07 AM - Trudy North: Thank you Berlin.
31 Dec 2014 12:10 AM - Berlin: They say all sorts of weird things about Germans but one of those rumors is true. If we do something, we make sure we do it properly! It's in our DNA. Applies to friendships too by the way
31 Dec 2014 12:11 AM - Trudy North: I'm glad. I could do with some of that. Friendship stuff.
31 Dec 2014 1:00 AM - Berlin: I know you need more Trudy...Whaaaaaaat? What does he mean? from him? From anyone? What is he thinking??? Is it true? Do I need more from him? Is that what this is? Me reaching out, asking him to 'read me' because I need him to 'get' me? Maybe to love me?
31 Dec 2014 1:01 AM - Trudy North: Actually I need to be more for me.
31 Dec 2014 1:01 AM - Trudy North: I just haven't completely figured that out yet
1 Jan 5:28 PM - Trudy North: Hey Berlin. Did you read those blog extracts I sent you?
1 Jan 5:35 PM - Berlin: You sent me so much Trudy and our WhatsApp conversation is endless! Haven't managed to go back far enough to find them yet. Would be easier if you could send me links via email...
1 Jan 5:39 PM - Trudy North: Ok. Will do.