Thursday, 1 January 2015

Trudy, did you just try give the Baby Away again?

Ugh. Flip. I'm just feeling so sore right now. Just took a serious sucker punch to the stomach which I really should have seen coming.


I met up with him a couple of days ago between my family holiday and heading up here to Dubai. We had a happy and comfortable afternoon connecting, drinking wine and just enjoying each other's company. I like him. He's clever and interesting and warm. We were at it for 3 hours and reluctantly finished up when the restaurant had cleared away ALL the tables.

Near the end of the conversation I got into a little bit of a sore place when I said something about my ex-narc John. Too much wine and a big cocktail of PMT hormones and suddenly I was fighting back tears. I just felt the John stuff in a sore and vulnerable place and showed that vulnerability to Berlin. He was kind and gentle to me.

When we left we hugged goodbye. Wow. Just being held by him for a few seconds nearly broke the whole dam wall of tears - I can't remember when I was last held like that. Just for a few fleeting seconds I felt home. He's big. And surrounding. And strong. I suddenly felt all my vulnerable energy pouring out of my soul. I caught myself and pulled it back. In time, I thought. I stepped back from him and we were suddenly looking into each other's eyes. He has the most beautiful blue eyes that a girl could get lost in, and maybe I did lose myself for a bit. He said he felt sadness in me. Was there anything I wanted to say to him? There wasn't. I knew my sadness was about John. Not Berlin. I told him we had a long time ahead of us for any conversations that needed having, and that I was not sad about him.

We parted and headed off in different directions. I messaged him a bit later.

30 Dec 2014 9:15 PM - Trudy North: Thanks for that.
30 Dec 2014 9:15 PM - Trudy North: Sorry I got a bit emo on you there. ...
30 Dec 2014 9:16 PM - Trudy North: That was a very cozy safe feeling goodbye hug. Needed that. 
30 Dec 2014 9:26 PM - Berlin: Trudy I don't want to make you sad! 
30 Dec 2014 9:27 PM - Trudy North: You didn't
30 Dec 2014 9:27 PM - Trudy North: Really
30 Dec 2014 9:27 PM - Trudy North: I AM sad
30 Dec 2014 9:28 PM - Trudy North: I'm recovering from a hectic space. ..
30 Dec 2014 9:28 PM - Trudy North: And I sometimes still don't have my shit together.
30 Dec 2014 9:29 PM - Trudy North: Just talking about it and being in a gentle space with you just brought up some of the tough feelings. But not you. Really really not you 
30 Dec 2014 9:46 PM - Berlin: Good. You OK There? Got karate kid around? 
30 Dec 2014 9:51 PM - Trudy North: I'm fine. Mom in law here too 
30 Dec 2014 10:35 PM - Berlin: Good. Can she also do karate? 
30 Dec 2014 10:45 PM - Trudy North: Hahaaaa no. But she's scary with her knitting needles!

I got ready for bed. Still holding that really sad feeling, all connected to PMT, I found the next day, but sad all the same. I was surprised but also pleased at the sadness - I was able, at last to read through some of my earlier blogs and cry quietly to myself in my bed - I haven't been able to do that for a long time. But I was also feeling uncontained and lonely. And somehow, Berlin had struck a chord with me - I had felt held and safe and heard, and I didn't want it to end. Suddenly I needed my friend to stand by me in my sore place. But I think he was still convinced that I was sad because of him. Was I? I don't think so.

30 Dec 2014 11:15 PM - Trudy North: Hey where are you?  Talk to me.....

But he wasn't there. I carried on reading some of my tougher blogs to myself. And I was just getting deeper and deeper into a place where I needed to be heard. Feel seen. I feel like so much of this journey has been inside me, shared only with my shrink, and you, my Pink Book. And suddenly I wanted someone to stand with me in the fire, just for a while, and hold me while I shed my tears. Not a lover. Not an intimate person. Just someone who I could trust with these truths who would hold me and not judge me.

30 Dec 2014 11:27 PM - Trudy North: So I'm trying to find you a couple of my blogs to try explain a bit about where I'm at. Please read the ones I send you. ..It feels important to me that you do.  I'm not really sure why. None of them are about you, so don't worry. ...
30 Dec 2014 11:28 PM - Trudy North: It's like i need you to understand a bit more about where I've come from and that emo stuff i couldn't bottle up today. ..
30 Dec 2014 11:30 PM - Trudy North: I'm coming out of a very emotionally abusive relationship with a very cruel narcissist. I think your dad may have been one too, by the way. .. so see if you recognise anything that may be useful for you. ...
And I sent him 5 blogs. 5 Blogs that I thought would help him understand my sadness now. Give him some idea of the road I've walked. I wanted him to hear me. Empathise with me. Stand with me and maybe contain and hold me a bit.

These are the blogs I sent:

Emotionally Naive

It's not a normal breakup when there's a Narcissist in the Room

You Underestimate Narcissist pathology, Trudy

Interpreting Dreams

Allowing me to Grieve

30 Dec 2014 11:49 PM - Trudy North: ok. I've bombarded you enough. Sorry if it's too much for you. 
30 Dec 2014 11:51 PM - Berlin: Trudy? 
30 Dec 2014 11:51 PM - Trudy North: Yup 
30 Dec 2014 11:52 PM - Berlin: You're torturing yourself 
30 Dec 2014 11:52 PM - Trudy North: Maybe.
30 Dec 2014 11:52 PM - Trudy North: I'm off all the pills that kept me quite numb for months 
30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Berlin: You will never understand these people
30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Berlin: I won't either 
30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Trudy North: I'm starting to feel again and it hurts like
30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Trudy North: Like i don't have a word for 
30 Dec 2014 11:53 PM - Berlin: It's important to know that they are there
30 Dec 2014 11:54 PM - Berlin: And to warn others like you warned me 
30 Dec 2014 11:54 PM - Trudy North: Did you read my bits i sent? 
30 Dec 2014 11:54 PM - Berlin: And saved me from a lot of pain!
30 Dec 2014 11:55 PM - Berlin: But it's also important to accept that it's a vicious world out there
30 Dec 2014 11:55 PM - Berlin: But also a kind world
30 Dec 2014 11:55 PM - Berlin: With kind loving people
30 Dec 2014 11:56 PM - Berlin: You are one of them
30 Dec 2014 11:56 PM - Berlin: That made you a target first 
30 Dec 2014 11:56 PM - Trudy North: :( 
30 Dec 2014 11:56 PM - Berlin: Now you can help others like me and I will too
30 Dec 2014 11:57 PM - Berlin: You're a great person Trudy!!! 
30 Dec 2014 11:57 PM - Trudy North: Tx Berlin 
30 Dec 2014 11:57 PM - Berlin: I consider myself lucky to know you!!! 
30 Dec 2014 11:58 PM - Trudy North: Hahaaaa... Let's see what you're saying in a year's time. .
30 Dec 2014 11:59 PM - Berlin: The same thing. Truth is truth. Might be pissed off with you here or there and vice versa but we're still on the same wavelength
30 Dec 2014 11:59 PM - Berlin: And you saved me
30 Dec 2014 11:59 PM - Berlin: After I hurt you
31 Dec 2014 12:00 AM - Berlin: I won't forget that!!!!! 
31 Dec 2014 12:01 AM - Trudy North: I'm going to breathe and say nothing because i don't have words right now. ... 
And that's the truth - I'm crying. And crying. I don't quite know why but the tears are flowing after months of desert. I can't find words
31 Dec 2014 12:03 AM - Berlin: Breathe... We're not in a slam poetry contest or whatever they call those things... 
31 Dec 2014 12:04 AM - Trudy North: Please read. It's important to me. 
31 Dec 2014 12:06 AM - Berlin: I'll do that Trudy! 
31 Dec 2014 12:07 AM - Trudy North: Thank you Berlin. 
31 Dec 2014 12:10 AM - Berlin: They say all sorts of weird things about Germans but one of those rumors is true. If we do something, we make sure we do it properly! It's in our DNA. Applies to friendships too by the way  
31 Dec 2014 12:11 AM - Trudy North: I'm glad. I could do with some of that. Friendship stuff.  
31 Dec 2014 1:00 AM - Berlin: I know you need more Trudy...
Whaaaaaaat? What does he mean? from him? From anyone? What is he thinking??? Is it true? Do I need more from him? Is that what this is? Me reaching out, asking him to 'read me' because I need him to 'get' me? Maybe to love me?
31 Dec 2014 1:01 AM - Trudy North: Actually I need to be more for me.
31 Dec 2014 1:01 AM - Trudy North: I just haven't completely figured that out yet
And then follows two days of conversation about everything but this. I leave South Africa and head for Dubai. He chats to me and keeps me company on the trip over WhatsApp. He suggests places to see, things to do. I do them and send him pics. But nothing about my blogs. And my period starts and I realise why I felt so very sad and undone for a while. Not that the feelings weren't there, but more that they were spilling out of me so easily during that time.

And for days I'm too afraid to ask what he thought of my blogs. I want him to tell me. Say something that will let me know he gets it. He sees me. But nothing.

So this afternoon, I finally plucked up the courage to ask:

1 Jan 5:28 PM - Trudy North: Hey Berlin. Did you read those blog extracts I sent you?

1 Jan 5:35 PM - Berlin: You sent me so much Trudy and our WhatsApp conversation is endless! Haven't managed to go back far enough to find them yet. Would be easier if you could send me links via email...

1 Jan 5:39 PM - Trudy North: Ok. Will do.

He hadn't read them. He hadn't read them. He was not curious or caring enough to make good on his promise to me that he would. Was I not clear enough about how much I needed him to read me? To see me? I asked and asked. I pushed the point. He didn't want to. Just that. If he did want to, he would have.

And this is where my heart breaks. Fkn again. Because I believed him when he said he would do this for me. I thought he was interested enough in me as a human being to care about this if it was that important to me. But not. He didn't get it. Didn't want to get it. Reading those blogs together would have taken maximum about 20 minutes at most. And I know I would have done that for him if he'd asked me to.

And I just suddenly felt terribly alone again. Alone and abandoned and sad. Again without anybody in the world who would give a fuck about how very sore all of this is for me. Who would just hold me safe and pat my head for a while. So I can feel safer. Better. Calmer. A little more loved.

But I also know I did it again. Like I was saying in my blog "Don't try give the Baby Away". I tried to give the baby away to Berlin to hold. I know I must not do that. I clearly haven't learned how to exist without trying to palm her off on people instead of just holding her myself in her pain. Shushing her gently until she calms down and nods off. Feeling safer because I have done the holding.

So I'll have to get back to that then. Backing off Berlin again for a bit. It's just too close and too sore, and I seem to get into having unrealistic expectations, or rather unmatched expectations of what our friendship would be. 

So I'm sore and I'm reluctantly picking up that baby who has been howling on the pavement for 3 days. She's mine to hold. 

Not Berlin's. Not Berlin's.

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