Friday, 9 January 2015

Pinch Me

A year ago today I was in Zanzibar. I took my whole team away for the holiday of a lifetime to reward them for an incredible year and create a unified team to tackle 2014 challenges. We thought we had a charmed year ahead of us. Our sales pipeline was full and we were going to produce our best results ever. I was deeply in love with John-the Narc and he was there with me, leading our team and setting us up for success. Once the team conference was over, John and I stayed on a few extra days alone to have some chill time alone together. It was beautiful, sensuous, loving and connected time. We walked and talked on beautiful beaches, made love and slept and read in beautiful island bungalows and connected and loved in that time. I thought I was in heaven. A beautiful start to a beautiful year.

And now, 1 year later, I'm alone in my hotel room in Madrid. I'm at my first conference of the company that has bought my company from me. I'm meeting all my new colleagues and bosses who are going to be part of my new life. John has gone. He lied, stole from, and betrayed me. I fired him and cleared him out of my life. I'm walking an average of 14km a day at the moment, and I'm feeling healthier and stronger than I have in years because I have been SO focused on healing myself and rehabilitating this body of mine. I'm on chemo, and eating a gluten free diet. My company is slowly recovering from the devastating blows that hit it this year, and my soul is slowly but surely moving into a better place.

And in my heart I feel everything. Still the deep sadness for the loss of my love, John, who didn't really exist as I believed him to be, but gone anyway. I'm still lonely. I am surrounded by clever, energetic, sexy men. And I feel even more the pain of living my life with very little touch. I'm feeling the lack of being held, loved. Intimate and beautiful connection. Sex. Any man who shows me the briefest bit of attention becomes, for a moment, a beacon of hope for me. And then I remember that these are my colleagues now, and that makes them off bounds. I'm not going to have another work relationship. Ever.

And even that is a shift in me. I see the feelings start to warm up in me, and I am able to tell myself to 'Step Away From That Colleague'..a level of self management that my poor damaged soul hasn't really been able to achieve in the past.

So here sits Trudy. On the brink of a completely new phase in her life. Still sad. Lonely. Wistful. But also excited. Creative. Blooming with ideation on the possibilities of my new job. Brimming with learning about what it means to be part of a global business. Glowing in the accolades I'm getting from my new colleagues about the work I have achieved in my company. Watching the culture and politics around me warily to see how the game is played in this company to make sure I position myself well.

John is my past. This is my future.

So much in 1 year

I can't really believe it!

Pinch me!

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