Gobsmacked

Well.  My John-the-Narcissist conversation yesterday had a whole roller coaster of emotional stuff as promised.  He started by telling me that the blog he sent me was NOT as a result of our conversation last week.  In fact it was written before last week's conversation. The 'stuff he'd learned' in our conversation was, in fact, a lot more profound than that.

What he realised in our conversation last week was that our relationship really is over. That he saw that my commitment to ending it and not reconcile was unwavering.  But mostly, that he realised that his expectation that I would just 'take him back' because he asked me to was narcissistic in itself.  That expecting me to simply 'try again' was unrealistic.

So he said he's been living with the understanding for the past week that we're well and truly over. And that we shouldn't see each other again. Because it's too hard for us both to do this.

He changed the way he does his beard.  He now has a goatee. It looks menacing.  It helped - seeing him looking different felt like I was no longer dealing with the man I loved, but rather another John.  One I could walk away from.

I felt sad.

Fighting him off as I have done over the past few months has always left the option open for us to be together one day if he 'improves'.  This kind of closed that down. There is no longer a plan 'B'.  Which is good. But I'm sad.

Of course a narcissist always has a twist in his tail: John then went over his interpretation of money owed.  I believe he owes me 1.5 million.  He says I owe HIM!  And he has been to revenue services and a lawyer and that I have fired him illegally.  But he cant remember his lawyers' name, and called the lawyer her and him in the conversation. Whatever.  Then he said he 'no longer remembers' asking me to do him a favour and put his Medical Aid cover through the company as part of his cost to company salary.  He says that was agreed by us. It wasn't.   I did him a favour and he think's it's cool to let me pay over half a million for this favour that he asked me.

I left. I told him that his convenient 'forgetting' was dishonourable.  If he really has the balls to go through with that, I know I will never forgive him.  And never speak to him again. I believe in the honour of my word. And a handshake.  And if he thinks it's OK to 'conveniently forget' something like that, then I never want to do business with him again.

But then. Fuck. I go to a meeting and find an opportunity that I know he would absolutely love, and be able to make a shitload of money from.  And even though it's something that I could probably also make money out of, I decided to hand him that opportunity.  Met him last night and passed it on.

He was grateful.  He said he knows I didn't have to do that.  So did I.  Is there something wrong with me that I would want to help him find his next wave even ON the day when he threatens to screw me in business?

Why are things never black or white for me?  Shades of grey everywhere I look!