Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Don't you Want Me, Baby?

Feeling Beautiful.  Is this something that comes from deep inside yourself?  Is it completely constructed from one's own place of self esteem?  Or is it a co-creation?  Made by oneself and intimate partners who help you build your sense of your own 'Sexiness' in the world?

If it's a joint responsibility, then Hubby and me did a terrible job of creating Sexy Me! And for years he maintained it was my own lack of self esteem that did it.  And I thought his judgement of me was the problem!

I have felt ugly.  Unattractive. Too fat. Undesired.  Hubby would tell me that I have beautiful breasts. And sexy sexy curves.  But he was never able to call me a sexy woman.  There are parts of me that he really doesn't like.  And he is man that believes in factual honesty.  So he will never say he finds ME beautiful. Because in his mind that would be a lie.

We've had a bedroom and bathroom that are in the same open plan area for years.  And every morning I would wake up to the sound of his shower.  I could languidly turn over in bed, and, while snuggling my precious boys, feast my eyes on his beautiful body.  I loved every inch of him. He is sculpted and lean, and handsome.  Almost every day I would tell him how much I enjoyed my eyefest, and how sexy I found him.  I had to stop that eventually, because it became more and more obvious to us both that he would never be able to respond in kind.  If I walked past him naked in the mornings to start my shower, he wouldn't even notice my passing.  I felt sexually invisible to him.  It was a source of deep deep pain for me. I felt like the only time he could 'see' me and desire me would be when he needed sex.  At night. In bed. That then his lust and desire would overcome any 'issues' he had with my body.  And in our last year of intimacy, he actually used to read an erotic story to arouse himself and THEN make sexual advances on me.  I felt more and more undesirable. Until one day I just couldn't go there any more.

And when I started to make love to my lover, I immediately felt like a goddess.  He showered love and affection on me.  Told me over and over how much he loved every inch of me.  Would lie spooning with me at night with his hands holding my belly, telling me how womanly it made me.  The smell of me. The taste of me. All so natural and attractive and DESIRABLE. The inhibitions I had felt over the 15 or so years that hubby and me were intimate miraculously melted away.  I made love with abandon.  I found my inner sex goddess. I felt loved and wanted and desired.  He painted beautiful paintings of me (the one in this blog is one of those). Took photos of me from every angle imaginable.  Just lavished me with desirability and love.

Thank goodness it's the one thing I have been able to take with me out of that lover relationship.  I think that now that the sex goddess has awakened, she will no longer sleep.  I feel her in me now, even though I have nobody to share her with right now.

But the devastating moment for me was when I found out he had been cheating on me that whole time.  That Debbie, one of his cheating partners, felt every bit as sexy and beautiful as me.  That he had created her inner goddess at the same time as he was creating mine.  I do have that voice inside me asking "Was it all just bullshit?" "Is everything he said to me just part of his 'get laid' repertoire?" "Am I really that desirable woman, or is hubby's assessment actually more accurate?"

I guess how I respond to that little voice of mine is up to me.  I don't want to lose touch with that woman who reveled in her sexuality.  Now that I have tasted the goddess, I want to have her as part of me always.  I guess I'll know 100% for sure if she's with me still once I connect with my next intimate relationship.  And I hear the feminist cannot allow yourself to be defined by a man: find your own definition of you and live that truth.  I get that.  But somehow, goddess may only really come out when she has a chance to dance with someone.

I hope that will be soon.  Apart from my paintings, I am afraid I may lose sight of her.  How will I recognize her again if I don't see her soon?

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