The Narcissist Lies. All The Time.

This is today's advice for me.  Like the George Bush joke: if his lips are moving, you know he's lying.  DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAYS.

Because it takes just too much energy to sift through the truths, half truths and lies that are laid before me daily.  He weaves the truth and the lies together so skilfully that you begin to be taken in by it all.

And what it is that sucks me in and wants to somehow reform this man into the soothsayer of the century, I just don't know! Is it because I believe at some level that I could take him back if I could trust him?  So all I have to do is turn him into a trustworthy guy and voila!  Perfect man!!

But of course that's never going to happen!  He just cannot stop himself lying to me at every opportunity.  And I either counter his lies immediately with fact (which makes him fight back and me go into hyper stress heart palpitations), or I just make note of the lie and go and do my own verification quietly when I have a moment.  And I'm usually right.  And I no longer let him know.

I SO want him to be BETTER though. This nagging tug of war between my healing self who knows better, and my broken self who is so idealistic she believes ANYthing is possible.  I guess my healing journey is now all about hearing the different voices of the conflicting parts of me and just be with them all for a while.  I have been through a dreadfully traumatic few months and this is just part of the healing process.  I can't expect myself to be brilliant at all of this yet.

He has now also started a blog.  I don't have access to it. And he doesn't access mine.  Better that way.  This was a piece he sent me.  It made me sad. Which, I guess, was the point:

FREEDOM LOST – The Narcissist Unravelled

Nearly 55 years ago, I suffered a trauma – Absolutely no idea what it was – Don’t care !!

I was injured though - scarred for life as it turns out, and I grew up with a sense of dramatic insecurity which was marked by a feeling of emptiness and a lack of emotional connection.

Does that ring a bell ?

Obviously, I developed into a narcissist - but that’s no big deal really ………. except I didn’t know it until about two years ago !!

Nothing in this blog about “wounds”, or crappy parents though – I just want to bitch about the effect that finding out has had on my recent life journey.

-------------------------------

Before I knew (or cared) that I was a narc, I was very happy barging my way merrily through relationships, business partners, friendships and marriages. I got what I wanted, achieved what I needed …… and if you didn’t fit in, you could fuck off. - Perfect really ! - No sleepless nights, no guilt, no remorse.

How was I supposed to know that there was actually a void in my life? -  That I was actually seeking out that old emotional connection that wasn't met in childhood. – I was way too busy being a male chauvinistic pig bastard from hell (that’s a quote from my ex-wife, by the way). I couldn’t see beyond myself, but I didn’t need to. - I was the ultimate Alpha Male, at least in my own head, (and let’s face it, I didn’t care what you thought anyway) !!

My narcissism left me gloriously free to create carnage and devastation wherever I went – Completely oblivious to the collateral damage I was leaving in my wake – Blissfully immune – Effortlessly innocent and shamelessly blinkered.

Then the shit started. – Can’t put my finger on exactly how or why, but when a certain woman came into my world, I was suddenly outed !

Damn !! ………

She loved me, and needed me to love her ………  She cared, and wished for care in return. She was her own person – with her own feelings and her own position.

………… W.T.F !!!

-------------------------------

I don’t know how she did it, but she pushed past my bullshit and made me realise that the problems in my adult relationships were routed in my upbringing. - She somehow convinced me to commit to resolving the problems in my childhood in order to find a way to have a healthy adult relationship……and then, horror of all horrors, she made it possible for me to actually want to actively participate in the kind of emotional healing that would allow this resolution to take place.

Bottom line : She took away my idyllic, self-absorbed and egocentric freedom, and set me on a new and hideously terrifying path.  –  And I’m pissed off about that, because its bloody hard.

And I am also dreadfully sad too, because I now walk alone on this new journey

……….. the effort it took for her to selflessly change the course of my life was too much.