Because it takes just too much energy to sift through the truths, half truths and lies that are laid before me daily. He weaves the truth and the lies together so skilfully that you begin to be taken in by it all.
And what it is that sucks me in and wants to somehow reform this man into the soothsayer of the century, I just don't know! Is it because I believe at some level that I could take him back if I could trust him? So all I have to do is turn him into a trustworthy guy and voila! Perfect man!!
But of course that's never going to happen! He just cannot stop himself lying to me at every opportunity. And I either counter his lies immediately with fact (which makes him fight back and me go into hyper stress heart palpitations), or I just make note of the lie and go and do my own verification quietly when I have a moment. And I'm usually right. And I no longer let him know.
I SO want him to be BETTER though. This nagging tug of war between my healing self who knows better, and my broken self who is so idealistic she believes ANYthing is possible. I guess my healing journey is now all about hearing the different voices of the conflicting parts of me and just be with them all for a while. I have been through a dreadfully traumatic few months and this is just part of the healing process. I can't expect myself to be brilliant at all of this yet.
He has now also started a blog. I don't have access to it. And he doesn't access mine. Better that way. This was a piece he sent me. It made me sad. Which, I guess, was the point:
FREEDOM LOST – The Narcissist Unravelled