Friday, 24 October 2014

The Truman Show and Narcissist Obsession

It's the weirdest thing, this recovery journey.  I seem to be able to have really buoyant and happy days, only to crash a few days later and get lost in my obsessive brain again.  I'm sifting through details and facts and lies and truths my Narc told me and trying to think about how I can find the evidence I need to be sure of the truth.

But I don't want to know the whole truth.  Each new piece I find out by mistake just rewounds me.  I don't even know whether it's a healthy thing to be scratching through the ashes to find evidence of a life that is past and lies that shouldn't be relevant any more.

And then I find myself begin to yearn again. Yearning for holding. Safety. Touch. Feeling loved. Feeling known. I find myself straying into scenarios with each of the boys that are in my 'playing' circle, wondering when I'll see each of them. Wondering whether I'll make love to any of them.  It's almost like a self-soothing thing my head is doing: "Don't worry Trudy, you will be held soon. Loved soon".  Ja. After my 100 days!!

But I found a great blog on Lisaescott this morning called 'Obsessing about the Narcissist'. It made me feel a lot better. Or rather a lot more 'normal'. Seems this happens to a lot of us victims of Narcs. We experience a 'Cognitive Dissonance' in that our Narcs play us so masterfully that we actually cannot lose the picture of the perfect man. Even though we have also experienced his evilness, it's often not enough. We carry both characters around in our hearts at the same time. We grieve the 'Knight in Shining Armour' and are devastated by the 'Evil One'.  But neither piece obliterates the other. So we are soulbroken from the abuse and betrayal and deceit, but heartbroken about the loss of the love we had.  One of the women who commented on the blog actually called the two fragments of her narc by different names to help her differentiate. So we obsess. Because our heads and hearts still can't quite figure out how different our experience vs reality is.

I remember that bizarre disorienting feeling after D-Day when you start to emerge from the web of lies surrounding you and experience the world as suddenly completely different. As if even the light has changed. At the time I likened it to emerging from the movie "The Truman Show". Truman sails his little boat out to sea - too many clues have started unsettle him and he gets to the point where he thinks he should see for himself what's out there.  The reality show (narcissistic) director throws everything he can at him to protect the Big Lie, but he persists. And as he heads out to the horizon, his boat hits the wall. He suddenly sees the whole lie for what it is.  And finds an exit. And walks off the set.

How's that for cognitive dissonance?! I felt like that was such a strong metaphor for my life. I had been working with this man for 5 years.  And loving him for a lot of that time.  I had the whole world created for me in pictures by him.  And when I finally chose to walk off the set, it was disorientating and bewildering beyond belief! I imagine Truman, even after discovering the horrific abuse acted upon him by making his entire life an illusion, would have yearned and pined for the 'Show'. Ached for a place where he felt happy and loved, even though it was all a big lie.

So I'm going to try to forgive myself for this obsessing. I'm still healing. Still moving forward slowly. The blog on Lisaescott says it's an important step to 'Get it Out'. Talk about it. Write about it. Create about it. Process it until it finds a place to rest, and I am able to walk forward less encumbered by the pain and the weight of it.

So this is what I'm doing here. Writing. Thinking. Confessing. Questioning.  It's a good process for me. I'll keep on doing it.

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